Chapter 138
December 22nd, 2020
Logan stepped through the door of his Eaton place apartment, desperately hoping Odette would be out somewhere. He'd had a long day, and since last night hadn't gone exactly admirably with Odette either because she'd once again planned his life for him. Some dinner with her New York friends after Christmas. Hence the main thing he hoped for was a quiet evening - some peace and quiet before the Christmas mayhem, or rather endless small-talk, would commence. At least he was seeing his sister in a few days - the knowing giving him a glimmer of hope.
But no such luck. Odette was in the kitchen, unpacking what smelled like miso, possibly along with sushi.
"Hey," Odette greeted him, sounding surprisingly positive all things considered.
"Hey," Logan exhaled, and removed his coat carefully, the right side of his chest aching from what he'd just had put into his skin.
There were not many things he took days off for these days, and that day had been the worst he'd felt in a while. Odette had just recently tricked him into having unprotected sex with her, hoping to get pregnant and it was safe to say he felt used, almost violated, and the loss of control he'd fought so hard to deal with with other methods than working out until his body gave in was barely there anymore. So after having forced himself into a meditation workshop this morning - which he'd tried to convince himself would count as a work out, which hadn't done much to his need to take the edge off, he'd made the call, offered to pay his default tattoo artist generously and gotten his appointment pushed up. He'd called in sick at work. Even Marjorie had trouble believing him when he'd first called, he hadn't called in sick in years.
"I got your favorites from Dinings SW3," Odette offeredmaking Logan raise his eyebrows unconsciously. A peace offering perhaps? The place did have the most amazing yellowtail nigiri with Japanese mustard and one of the best sashimi omakase he'd ever had. But he wasn't hungry, having not felt like much the entire day except water. Tattoos had another benefit too - they stopped him from drinking alcohol, as one wasn't supposed have any to during healing.
"Thanks, maybe later," Logan sighed. "I could use a shower," he added and headed upstairs without further discussion. He just couldn't deal with her tonight. The standard excuses would be he had work to do though he knew that excuse wouldn't last him long as Christmas was approaching and they were flying out tomorrow.
"Okay," Odette replied, disappointedly.
He headed for the bathroom and undressed, throwing every piece of his wardrobe into the laundry shaft. Whatever happened to his clothes from that moment onwards - he had no clue. The maid, who usually came when he wasn't around, took care of everything.
His neck felt a little stiff, his position, laying on that table for nearly five hours had left him with that unpleasant side effect. Frankly, he would've felt like going running still, but he knew better to avoid that, knowing he was probably going to want to push himself further than was good for him.
He looked at his new addition - the wolf on his chest, covered in protective tattoo film, already beginning to look a little nasty underneath that film. It was a completely normal process with the film, he knew it. But using these large films instead of something less permanent gave him a lot more freedom, not having to clean and cream it seversl times a day for a while. And so far all of his tattoos had healed beautifully with this same method.
The shower felt incredible against his skin, washing off some of the heaviness he'd carried with him throughout the day, and the dull ache on his chest fed his urge to numb his mind.
He stepped out of the shower, and saw to his disappointment Odette applying some kind of a serum to a small blemish on her cheek. He could already feel her eyes on him through the mirror as he quickly covered himself up, feeling even a little harassed in this moment - she was intruding in his space - married or not. The way she dropped the pen-like applicator into the sink let him know well that she'd noticed it.
"Logan!" Odette scolded him. "We talked about this, you're going to end up looking like some drug-dealer is you keep this up!" she added.
"I honestly don't care what you think," Logan argued and dried himself off as quickly as he could, and continued to put on some casual home-wear.
"I read about those - there are all these heavy metals in those inks, it's not good for you," Odette said and went on about cancer and problems with taking skin grafts what Logan really wasn't interested in hearing. "And can you just imagine showing up with these at your mother's pool party in the summer, or worse at my parent's villa when we go in August like we promised! How am I going to explain this?!" Odette continued, gesticulating firercly at his tattos that he quickly covered up with a t-shirt. "You're embarrassing me and…," she began to say, and Logan was pretty sure what she wanted to add. Odette had enough sense not to mention the child that she was trying to make happen without getting him to agree to it first.
"You already have control of my time, my money… and don't start speaking of having your own, we all know how you prefer to spend mine, you use me to get whatever you want. You have no say in what happens to my skin!" Logan argued, fiercly.
"Oh don't be so dramatic!" Odette exclaimed, rolling her eyes. "Tell me please how you are not controlling me!" Odette challenged him. "You're stopping me from having the family that I've been talking about for years!" she continued, and along those lines the evening continued. Accusations, badmouthing, offending - you name it. That's how bad those fights had gotten - not really picking words or holding back.
Anyone in their right mind would've told them to get that divorce already. But there weren't really a lot of close friends who knew about their fights, except for Honor and even she knew just bits and pieces. They'd isolated themselves form a lot of people over the years - they were together and couldn't stand each other, but they also leaned on each other more often than one liked to admit. Who else did he really have? They'd both give up former lovers for this. Logan was in no such condition these days to fight with anything beyond his words. Getting a divorce required being all together himself first. So this was why fighting had become a sport.
March 5th, 2022
After the dinner the walk back to Logan's car passed in silence. There was no giggling, no physical contact - though one could put the latter down to the air having gotten rather crispy, and keeping one's hands in one's pockets really seemed like the sensible thing to do.
The dinner hadn't been particularly eventful - no big drama, nobody calling anyone out on being a bad parent - just simple and casual discussions which at least proved that they could indeed put the past behind them and keep it civil. On the surface at least. Though everyone knew that this wasn't going to be something to be repeated on a voluntarily basis if they could help it or had a good reason for it.
But at the same time as all of it had appeared very neutral and civil, to those who actually saw the deeper layers in each-other, the night had just felt oddly cautious, tense and confusing. Rory had been watching her words like a hawk, while Logan and Lisa took on most of the banter - their joint friends, the love for dogs and travel topics taking over the evening's conversation to a significant extent. Hell - they'd even had Costa Rica to talk about in depth, Logan having been there at least a dozen times. And the way Lisa was pretty sexy with her hair pushed aside like that, and the way she'd gotten very seductive - mostly towards Jess - but still, had also given Rory plenty to grit her teeth on. But even as Rory had tried to share her own experiences, she'd very obviously censored what she said and how she said it, knowing Jess had never really had much luck with such privileges.
"So, what was that about?" Logan asked, his tone being calm but puzzled at the same time, as they walked down an almost empty street, past shops that were now closed for the day.
"What?" Rory asked, having briefly gotten distracted by something in a store window.
"Hmm.. where do I start?" Logan pondered, sounding still calm but more annoyed.
Rory stopped at her path. "If this is about the glass of wine…?" she replied. Her preliminary thought when taking that first large sip had been the effects on her body and the reaction of Jess, being almost certain he'd noticed if she didn't. But somehow - she hadn't really thought about Logan's thoughts on it. She'd been too stuck in her own brain, just trying to keep calm.
"Well yeah, that too, but…," Logan began, having definitely had a few opinions on that matter too, but it had truly been just one glass, and they didn't even know they were expecting yet and wouldn't for a while. He even remembered Honor allowing herself a glass of champagne at the end of one of her pregnancies once or twice.
"I didn't want Jess to make a big deal of it. He would've noticed - maybe even asked about it. I could just imagine this huge line of questioning and accusations. I didn't want to go there," Rory explained.
Logan didn't quite know why Jess would accuse her, but he didn't want to start asking about it right now. Clearly there was something there.
"You could've just said you're cutting back on alcohol, in this modern age that's hardly material for accusations or whispers on pregnancy, even if he did suspect. There are a million white lies you could say. Anything from a headache to some medication you're on," Logan added, only now realizing that this had actually bothered him more than he'd realized.
"You're right, I guess… I just didn't think of those options at that moment. Honestly I just panicked for a moment there," Rory apologized. "And now I'll keep fretting for two weeks whether it was my fault that the test is going to say a big bold 'no'," she blamed herself.
"Oh come one… that's not what I am trying pin on you. It's probably nothing and the last thing you need to do is put that kind of pressure on yourself," Logan continued. "But we're getting side tracked here," he added, shaking his head.
"What then?" Rory asked, shrugging demonstratively.
"Did you even notice yourself tonight?" he said, his tone changing from mildly annoyed to accusatory.
"What? It was an awkward night, I certainly didn't plan on it," Rory shrugged, making her eyes wide. Sure, she knew she'd struggled, not at all feeling verbally adequate. But then again she was always much better in writing than in oral debates, especially now that she felt she was out of practice, her work usually allowing her to stick to fairly rehearsed lectures and arguments.
"You acted like you were ashamed of me, like you were ashamed of our life! It's either that or you were censoring everything I say - like any mention about having life a different kind of life from Jess' and yours was something to be ashamed of," Logan huffed.
"Logan…," Rory replied, the pitch of her voice dropping as if begging him.
"You couldn't say a single positive adjective about our home?" Logan continued, still not quite believing how she'd spoken about it.
"I wanted to stay neutral. What was I supposed to say? That I feel like I finally have the home I was supposed to have? I wasn't going to rub in that we've had sex in almost every room in the house, was I?" Rory explained loudly, exaggerating at the same time.
Some random older woman with her pomeranian passed them by, catching every word of her last sentence, making Rory consider for a moment maybe out there wasn't exactly the best place to have this conversation.
"Why are you ashamed to admit that you're happy? You are happy, aren't you!?" Logan huffed.
"Oh come on…," Rory groaned. "Of course I'm happy, what part of this day have I not proved to you how happy I am, except for that unfortunate dinner?" she asked, and turned, and continued to walk towards their car, wanting to go home.
Logan followed her a few steps behind her, he really couldn't disagree with her in that point. Rest of the day had been great. But he was annoyed nonetheless. What he was genuinely most concerned about - was that at this evening for the first time they hadn't felt like a team - if anything Rory had been Jess' team, Rory protecting him and siding with him on several occasions. Jess had been a champ, if he could call him that, and give him nothing to worry about though and mostly just focused on Lisa. Logan could only imagine that the evening hadn't exactly gone according to plan for them either. But still - seeing Jess and Rory sitting side-by-side hadn't been easy.
Logan unlocked his car.
"And you know what - if we are now doing this…? What were you doing being so 'friendly' with Lisa!?" Rory shot back just before she was about to get in the car.
"I was just being sociable," Logan rolled his eyes.
"All puppies this… and Costa Rica that, you sounded like you were five seconds away from taking your top off to show off your scars," Rory argued in a mocking tone.
"What!? I'm not supposed to talk if I can think of unawkward things to say unlike you?!" Logan huffed.
"Yeah, but it's the way you said it!" Rory said, sounding a little sad as she said it, and wanting to have the last word, got into the car and slammed the door shut after her. She was jealous, she couldn't deny it.
Logan sighed and got in the car reluctantly, and during the very short drive back home the silent tension could be cut with a knife.
Logan hadn't realized he'd done anything beyond mingling - this mode was what he was accustomed to whenever he was in company that he didn't really want to be. Which had been a lot in the past. It had been the same with Odette's friends, her father's business small-talk that somehow never got anything done - not the things he wanted to see happen at least. He could even think back to his own wedding day, five years almost to a day. Just put up a good face and focus on things incommon - his father's words of wisdom to him since he was 8.
Even Rory's body language was defective, her hands crossed across her waist and a pout on her lip, the genuine kind.
The only sentence Logan said as they got home was - "I'm taking Loki out," knowing he needed to take him to his evening bathroom break.
Rory just huffed, and hurried up the stairs.
Logan had gotten silent treatment a lot, he was used to it and with Odette, and most times, he'd preferred it. But here it felt frightening.
He was out in the back yard with Loki when he saw their bedroom light turn off, indicating Rory had gone to bed. Briefly he considered - was he welcome or was he better off finding his place in the guest room for the night. Was this a fight to be continued? Or buried? With Odette, they never really solved anything - everything got just carried along for what had ended up being years without really dealing with any of it. The main reason had been that there were no answers and there was no will, no strength to fight for any resolution. But this also meant that he was out of practice, almost feeling like he lacked the mental tools to solve this. But the last thing he wanted to do was go back to something he'd had with Odette.
He made his way back indoors, calmly, and took Loki to his room that now lacked Em, but he knew that there were nights like that by now, and after stroking him a few times along with a few deep breaths of his own, Logan returned to their bedroom, noting Rory on her side facing the window. He couldn't quite tell whether she was asleep, but he tried to keep it quiet while he washed his face and teeth.
Logan's heart beat rapidly, feeling nervous, getting into bed. It was a big bed, he could've easily slept in it without Rory feeling his presence significantly, but still. There had been a few times with Odette, where he'd woken the monster in her at such attempts. Even if they were fairly innocent ones.
There was just silence for what seemed like the longest time, as Logan just stared at the ceiling and the shadows the tree in their backyard left on it due to the bright moonlight outside.
Suddenly, but slowly, Rory turned.
"Do you think Birdie would be proud?" Rory said, quietly, still struggling a bit concerning what stance to take. She hoped he was still awake. She wanted to reach out her arm and touch him, but she hesitated.
"I don't want to fight you," Logan whispered.
"I don't want to fight you either," Rory replied, and felt Logan turn to face him and edge closer to her, touching her hand by accident. But it was the physical assurance that she needed to dare to touch him, even if at this point it was just placing her palm on his chest. He put his hand on hers, just holding it.
"I'm sorry I accused you. I know it was a weird night, it couldn't have been easy. You were caught off guard… but I do think you shouldn't tip-toe around Jess so much," Logan replied, feeling his fault in part.
"I know you were just mingling.. I just felt attacked, I shouldn't have accused you either," she said, apologetically. "I just know how easily people can mistake your interest as something more," she added.
"But she didn't. And you don't need to worry about him either. He's fine. I could tell he was fine," Logan replied, assuringly, having noted that Jess seemed a lot more enchanted by Lisa at this point and hadn't probably paid half as much attention to Rory as she'd probably assumed he had.
"I feel I pushed the fight, I almost felt like we were supposed to push it," Rory explained.
"I can't say that Birdie's words didn't cross my mind either," Logan admitted, referring to their therapist. Thinking back he could think of a number of ways to address the topic that wouldn't have led to such harsh statements and angry tones. He could've just explained what it had looked like to him, he could've made a joke of it, though he could understand that he would've hid some annoyment if he'd chosen that course of action. In a way it felt good to have expressed what had bothered him, but he wasn't terribly proud of the way, nonetheless.
"Let's not fight again because someone tells us, okay?" Rory asked, and snuggled closer to him. His arm wrapped around her shoulders and pulled her closer to kiss her hair.
"You got it," Logan replied.
"We haven't really fought a lot ever, have we? We've had arguments, we've debated things, we've made pro and con lists… we've been disappointed in each-other, maybe just a few times, and if I do say so myself the responses at those times were well-deserved on both accounts," Rory continued, thinking of both sides here.
"I guess we haven't, but you know as well as me that we haven't talked enough. So I don't think Birdie was wrong to tell us to express what was bothering us, even if it seems inconvenient…," Logan explained, now realizing that rocking the boat a little wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.
"I guess. I guess... when it comes to Jess, I'm still feeling a little guilty and that was why I said those things… I feel like he deserved better from me, and it just feels bad being around him and being all happy," Rory explained.
"I think he's happy. As am I. And I want you happy," Logan said, stroking her back gently. "I also think Bunny Barnes is going to have a field day on her phone tonight knowing this much information on our sex life," Logan added, sneakily, hinting at the one line Rory had said a little too loudly when the woman with the pomeranian had passed them, having unlike Rory recognized the woman to be one of her mother's dear friends.
AN: Bunny Barnes was one of the mom's at the all-male Yale meat market that Emily threw Rory. I'm not liking writing conflict much... but I hope it was okay.
