Chapter 145
March 23rd, 2022
Rory was rushing back to the second floor of Chilton's main building, needing to go pick up her laptop, purse and jacket real quick from her classroom before heading off. She'd just been stuck in a meeting of the past hour and a half - advising the booster club on the spring fundraisers of all things. She was no stranger to event planning, but already after a couple of years this got dull - sure one could boost up an event with performers, venues and fancy food - but all in all it was just the same people, mostly everyone with a kid in this school or the alumni donating money when in theory the money could've just been charged from them by tuition and regular donations. But apparently this way people got something in return - like their children's education wasn't enough.
But she pushed all that happily aside, knowing Logan was waiting for her outside to drive her to couple's therapy. They now went once after every three weeks or so, Logan having a private session as well in between, and this balance seemed to be working for them. Hence she really didn't mind going, it no longer felt like digging for trouble, but almost like having someone to check in with and make them see some things from another angle.
"Sorry," Max said, having been on his way down in the opposite direction, as he came from behind the corner, nearly bumping into Rory.
"Sorry," Rory reflected, almost simultaneously, having not been paying too much attention either.
"You look like you're in a hurry? I was actually looking for you," Max said, halting her for a second.
She felt a little out of breath, having taken the stairs too quickly. "Kind of, I have an appointment," Rory replied.
"I just wanted to check in about the fall semester - Mr. Cavanaugh is considering retirement and I need to chart who'd be able to take on what, before I start looking for someone new. It's all kind of tentative right now - it's not like it's the first year he's threatened to leave," Max explained with an amused grin.
Normally Rory would've gladly offered to pick up some of the work, wanting to prove herself or maybe even do some group projects across classes. But with this tiny little possibility in her belly she really was not jumping at the opportunity at this point. Saying anything felt too open, too fragile. Already more people knew than she would've liked. At the same time Rory didn't dare to hope too much - what would've been worse than an empty fall schedule when there was nothing to clear her schedule for.
"When do you need to know?" Rory asked.
"When you can? In a couple of weeks?" Max replied with a shrug.
"I'll try," Rory replied, and she was pretty sure Max was able to tell she wasn't quite herself. She didn't want him thinking this had something to do with getting married. Some that seemed worse than thinking she was expecting. She didn't want to be defined by being Logan Huntzberger's wife, even if the meaning of that title was way different than it would've been a decade ago.
She made a less than graceful exit, nearly stumbling into a wet floor sign, and made her way onwards to her classroom to pick up her things.
With a deep sigh she sat into Logan's car a few minutes later, the two of them already running a little late. She put her things on onto the back seat, as she got comfortable.
"Long day?" Logan asked, and kissed her quickly in greeting.
"The longest," Rory sighed. She felt and probably looked tired too.
"I texted Birdie we're running late, she said it was fine," Logan explained, not really needing to. They'd gone from calling her Dr. Riggs to Birdie more and more often now as they'd gotten to know her and she didn't seem to mind. Besides, they were paying so at worst it was their time that they were losing.
"Good," Rory replied, and began to unwrap the chicken wrap Logan had placed in the cupholder for her to grab, as had become their thing, knowing Rory would be starving after a long day at work.
"So I met with Tristan today," Logan began, as they pulled onto a straight road, enabling him to talk while driving.
"Yeah?" Rory mumbled, chewing her food.
"He has a pretty good idea," Logan explained. "He essentially wants to develop an app for doctors - pill identifier, dosage calculations, drug interactions - things like that," he added and went on to explain how Trisan knew exactly what the current programs and apps lacked - where they failed and how it took right now several apps to get the end result one wanted. Logan was under no impression it was a competitive marking Tristian would be getting into, but what he did know was how the development of these types of projects went. Logan knew people - people of money, influence and knowledge, as well as those who could actually make this happen by having the right skills. And he'd already told Tristan exactly whom to contact.
"You sound like you have the 'buzz'," Rory commented, using her grandfather's words from decades ago.
"I don't know - kind of?" Logan replied, not too surely. He was definitely feeling some new type of excitement. "I mean, it's not really my thing - I might invest a bit - if that's okay?" Logan added, unsure if he needed to run it by her.
Rory shrugged, not really minding. She liked that they both had their money and didn't really need to run everything by the other all the time.
"But money is not really what he came asking me for, he doesn't need it. It's just easier for him to continue, saying he already has an investor. But I got that feeling that I was needed. It just felt exhilarating. Just giving advice like that. I was talking about what I knew and the gears just began going in my head. It's just so different from what I do now - right now my work is essentially selling a service, but it takes a lot of energy and doesn't give me the same feeling today did," Logan explained. "I guess I realized that once I got my own business up and going it lost some of that spark I started with," he added.
"That spark is always good," Rory commented, swallowing another bite, and drank a few sips of water. She was listening, and his excitement wasn't lost on her, but she was tired, and it showed in her responses.
"It just got me thinking maybe consulting is indeed something I should be doing rather than selling," Logan said, playing with the thought of a career change. He was always adventurous like that - but in his defense he'd always had the luxury of small side projects even if he had been pushed through that one door while others assumed everything was wide open for him throughout his life.
"Yeah, but what about Honor?" Rory asked.
"What do you mean?" Logan didn't quite follow.
"I mean she's kind of stuck at the company, doing what you were supposed to do. And I don't know… I guess I imagined you'd maybe find some way to help her turn that place around, mold it into something more 'you' in time. I mean - don't get me wrong I don't want you to get sucked up in it, I don't want you over in London every month for weeks on end, but I don't know..." Rory said, shrugging lightly.
"She's not stuck there - the last time I heard she was doing pretty well," Logan replied.
"Well.. she is handling it. She's handling it like a mom - it's something that needs to get done, despite everything. But I wouldn't be so sure she's enjoying it. She just got pulled into it because you…," Rory said but stopped in her tracks, realizing she was about to compare Logan to something she didn't really want to compare him to.
"Where did that just come from?" Logan replied, feeling like they'd just started their therapy session early. He really wished he wasn't driving to talk about this with his full attention.
"I'm sorry - I know you had to leave, for the sake of your health. I know it was the thing to do in your situation, I'm not blaming or guilting you for that" Rory replied. "But what I mean is that Honor wasn't really given an option either," she added. "This is what moms do - I see it maybe better than you do because of it. We suck up the sleepless nights, the explosive poo across their backs, being touched out, the boring and off key recitals, cleaning up the kid's messes… " Rory listed. She'd been stuck thinking a lot about what I'd be like doing this again, not everthing being all cute in her mind - in part it was self protection too. Naturally, these things were nothing new to her, but her excitement was balancing out with how much harder this was going to be with two kids.
"So what you're saying is like I'm the child here?" Logan noted, clearly not happy with this development.
"No, not a child - but I do think the analogy applies. She might not even think that but it's in her DNA to care for you, to keep it going… in part for you. She isn't just doing this for her kids or herself. She's acting out of responsibility," Rory explained.
"But I also think it was unfair that she wasn't given this chance before. She was just discredited because she might have had more interest in fashion and music than the business side of the company, just because she is a woman. I think that's a valid point too," Logan argued.
"All I am saying is that while I love that you are excited about something, I don't think you should jump into anything vast before you've really talked to her. I know you've talked about this before and she seems to have a handle on things, but I am just saying that maybe she's not telling you how trapped she really feels in doing those things," Rory explained. She'd noted something in Honor the few times they'd seen each other, even if briefly, just sort of sadness in her.
"I've told her to sell several times," Logan replied.
"But I don't know… I just got the feeling she's holding up the fort for you. I think she and I both agree that you were too good at it to fully sell it. You worked so hard on it, and yes, I get it totally that it wasn't quite what you wanted to do. But that was all then your dad was alive. Now I just think… I don't know - maybe there's some way to rebuild it? Improve it? Change it's course?" Rory suggested, hesitantly. She wasn't even sure what would've been a viable possibility.
Logan felt a little disappointed hearing that, and the rest of their journey passed largely in silence. It was definitely something Logan needed to talk to Honor about, again. But he could just feel this reluctance towards anything with the HPG still. It wasn't that he hadn't addressed the topic at therapy himself - but it was just there didn't seem to be anything healthy in the idea of returning, even in a small capacity.
The two sat down on Birdie's couch, with a bit of a sigh, perhaps a few more inches of distance between them than usual.
"What's wrong?" Birdie asked out front.
"We just had a small argument, disagreement… not really even an argument in the car," Rory confessed.
"Something you want to talk about?" the therapist asked, looking at one after the other.
"Not content wise, I think - but I guess I feel a bit blindsighted she thinks that way, and that she hasn't really told me before," Logan confessed, adding nonetheless and explanation after realizing Birdie would need some context - "It's about my part in the HPG - how she thinks my sister is taking the fall for me, cleaning up my mess and I me jumping from project to project is frivolous and childish."
"I didn't say that," Rory argued, feeling he was putting words in her mouth.
"But that was how it sounded," Logan replied.
"I don't think you're a child or that what you do is childish, I just think your sister's reaction to what happened was kind of like treating you as a child or someone who needed looking after. I don't see anything wrong with that. I love that you're excited, buzzed.. Whatever you want to call it. I just think before you jump into the next thing and dump that on one of your lower level managers, you should talk to Honor properly and figure out what to do, not just leave it sitting in limbo," Rory explained.
"I am going to do that," Logan assured.
"Good," Rory shot back, the argument coming to a halt.
"Anything left in you that you feel you need to get off your chest before we continue?" Birdie asked.
The two shook their heads.
"So what else has been going on?" the therapist asked.
"Well, we do kind of have some news, but as it is very early we're sort of tentative about that," Rory said, placing a hand on her belly.
"So no congratulations yet, I assume," Birdie noted but smiled friendlily.
Rory nodded, thankfully. She didn't want it to become central to their sessions, but it was another step in their relationship and an important background detail in case she ended up fleeing to the bathroom or when they talked about parenting issues.
Rory told the therapist about this little stunt Em had pulled recently and got some input from the therapist how to serve the topic to Jess when she met with him the following day. She also went on to explain about the uncertainty with making plans for the fall based on what Max had just asked her a short time ago and that gave also Logan some insight into how difficult it really was to be a working mom, or a working mom-to-be which he hadn't quite seen from this angle before.
"There's one more thing," Rory began, feeling like she was doing most of the talking this time. "It's also very recent - and maybe this isn't even a topic for couples therapy so much but something for my therapist whom I haven't seen in a while, but I guess… I want to confess it here rather than alone because I am not sure how he'll react," Rory explained.
"What's the worst that I've ever reacted?" Logan felt a little offended.
"Well just with Em around," Rory hid behind a convenient excuse. She was just scared.
"Well what is it?" Birdie encouraged.
Rory took a deep breath. "When I was picking up Em on Sunday, I sort of had a little nauseous spell. And Jess was there, and he sort of figured out the possible cause… he's seen it before so... And I guess there was just this odd, kind of intimate moment…. I don't want you to feel jealous or upset because I can't erase the fact that he knows me well," Rory explained.
"Intimate, how?" Logan asked, cautiously.
"He held my hand, massaged me. You know - pressure points. It really helped," Rory replied but she couldn't shake that it had felt a little more intimate than it would've felt with just a friend too. It was very borderline, and had lasted for several minutes before Lisa returned.
"So - Logan, how do you feel about that?" Birdie inquired.
"Um…," Logan pondered. "Naturally I would prefer it if there wasn't some guy in the vicinity who knows my fiance better than me, who knows how to make her feel better, who clearly has some connection to her that I've yet to achieve," he continued, showing his offendeness a little. "But as this clearly wasn't sexual and I don't see Rory changing her mind and going back to him, I am mostly just hurt that you didn't think you could just tell me, or better yet - just teach me. I wish she'd tell me about early pregnancy and what it was like, what helped, what didn't. I want to learn not be pushed away because it's all new to me, or because it's scary," Logan confessed, calming down a little as he spoke. It was scary for him too - though a little incomprehenable still - but not quite the same as for Rory.
"Rory, how do you feel after hearing that?" she asked.
"I'm sorry…," Rory apologized but didn't really answer the question. "It was just awkward, I didn't know how to bring it up. This here just… this feels like a safe space. And the beginning of the week had been busy," Rory explained, her reasons sounding more like excuses. She didn't know why she was scared to tell him things sometimes, still. But she'd figured if she told him things here rather than not at all, it was better, even if that concept was a little naive and stagnant.
"But how does that make you feel?" the therapist repeated.
"Like I am failing at this? Like... I don't know why it's so hard for me to bring sensitive things up. I know we've already made improvements, but it's still hard. And I hate that I make him feel like that," Rory replied.
"This is not failing, it's a shortcoming at best," Logan soothed her.
"So why is it that you're not eager to tell Logan about your earlier pregnancy," Birdie said, saying it in singular form on purpose not to stir up the pain too much. "I mean there's got to be things that are not so painful too, right? Funny things, weird things, cool things...," the therapist added.
"Because it was intimate - the pregnancy, I mean. And I don't want to compare them too much," Rory replied.
"The pregnancies themselves or the men?" their therapist asked.
"Both," Rory replied. "The pregnancies because so much could still go wrong and I am scared to for one, this early at least," she admitted.
Logan scooted over and took her hand right then. He didn't want her to be scared all by herself, even though he'd told her time and time again, but he was beginning to sense that there was more to it than he probably was able to comprehend.
"And I guess I feel that if I compare the men - I'm discrediting Em's existence in a way. I am way more together now than I was back then, I am not as desperate. I'm not healing from the loss of a baby or the loss of Logan… it's just unfair, and that even if Jess was pretty incredible helping me and making me feel better when I didn't," Rory confessed. She felt like she was already treating this baby somehow differently because of all of this.
"Then teach me," Logan replied, kissing the hand that he was holding. While he wasn't happy with this train of thought, he took what he could from it.
AN: It's a crazy week. But do review please, it helps to lift my mood so much.
Also - if there is any particular scene from the past that you wish I'd include, do tell me - I have plenty coming, but I want them to carry different moods not just the angst (which comes easily to me). I have plenty planned, but I always have room for a few detours.
