Chapter 15: Pretty Lies and Ugly Truths
Starfire stiffened underneath him as the silence dragged on. She didn't know what to say or think, the pounding in her chest indicating he indeed heard correctly.
"Star?"
She averted his eyes and tried to find the words that escaped her.
"Speedy," she pleaded but he ignored her.
"Do you still love him?" he asked, shell shocked.
Her aghast look prompted him to answer his own question.
"You still love him," he said, gutted.
"Speedy, no. I—"
Once hovering above her, he retreated quickly, the sheet dragging with him to pool around his waist as he sat back. He looked more than put out as he gazed above her, robotic in his movement as he swung his legs over the edge of the bed.
Starfire quickly followed him up from her lying position, sitting next to him and cursing herself for such a slip-up.
"It was a mistake! I apologize! Roy, I did not mean it—"
"Please, don't call me that and don't lie. It only makes it worse," he said, his voice agitated and mixed with deep hurt. He got up from the bed then, avoiding her attempts at touch as he searched the room for his pants, overturning the piles of clothes on the floor until he fished them out. He pulled on one leg quite aggressively, almost falling over in the process, but caught himself on a chair. Using it for support, he attempted to pull the other leg on. He continued, saying, "You're supposed to see this guy again in a few days, Star! What am I supposed to think?"
"You believe that I would do the running away with him? He despises me, Speedy."
"Because of me, but that's not the point. You still have feelings for him," he huffed, finally pulling on the leg, zipping the zipper, and hastily grabbing the remainder of his clothes, not bothering to put them on. "I never stood a chance," he sneered.
She floated up to block him, fury burning in her eyes momentarily and arms across her bare chest, giving Speedy brief pause.
She dropped to the ground, stubborn in her position in front of the door. "Do not assume my feelings. It is you that I am with. It is you that I have chosen to give everything to these last few weeks!"
Speedy eyed her. Taking in everything that she was and the words she just said, he spoke his next words softly, anger still seeping in. "And what are these feelings? Given our agreement, what am I exactly? Promoted from casual boy toy to fuck buddy?"
Starfire winced, the words slicing her deeply, but she persisted. "No! I feel greatly for you. Just because I wish to take it slow in terms of defining our relationship, does not diminish what we just shared." She took a step forward, closing the gap between them. "I am merely protecting myself. You know how integral Robin was in my past, and yes, still in my present. But I wish for you to be a part of my future, even though I am terrified of what it will entail. That my heart will be broken once again."
He paused, looking directly at her, his features softening as he saw tears spring to her eyes. Her admissions brought hope but also hurt and so many concerns.
"I am scared, too," he admitted, running a hand through his hair. He sighed, saying, "And I want that future as well. But you need to be honest with me now. I've seen the way you look at him. How you search for him when he's around. How you light up when you talk to him. Can you really look at me and say that you don't love him? I need to know, Star."
Tears slid down her face, but she did not attempt to brush them away, instead staring at him bare and raw before him.
"I cannot," she barely whispered, the ugly truth finally being set free.
He nodded, a grimace on his face. "That's what I thought."
She thought he would stalk out, like all the other times she had a conflict and had been left alone. But instead, he dropped the clothes in his arms and wrapped them around her as if to protect her from all the turmoil that was inside.
She broke down then. Tears ran freely down and soaked his bare chest.
He didn't deserve this. They both didn't.
"I am so sorry, Speedy."
He kissed her hair, feather-light, placing his chin on the top of her head. She could hear his heartbeat as she clutched at his back, steady and measured.
"Me too, Star. Me too."
Time lurched slowly over the next few days.
On the first day, Starfire lay in her bed, not feeling especially sociable. Though to put it more honestly, she felt downright miserable. It was excruciating in that Starfire had felt she had undone everything with two simple words and a hard-to-swallow confession that had surprised even her.
After their hug, Speedy had declared that he needed some space and that he would talk to her more when he was ready. He was kind about it but didn't look back as he exited her room, a pain slicing her with fresh anxiety that things would never be the same between them. That the buildup that promised so many great things had had all the air let out of it, nothing left but for one to suffocate.
And that's what she did. Battling the onset of panic attacks all day, she did as he requested and did not try to contact him, though it killed her inside.
Why was it Robin's name that had slipped through her lips so easily? That was the question that needed answering, the moment haunting her so she could not get any rest (not that she thought she deserved it, the thought of that moment making her stomachs twist). Try as she might to repress her feelings over the last few months, she should have known that it would not be possible. Emotion was tied to her Tamaranean roots and that was something she could not hide or bury. And with love being the strongest emotion one could feel, it was not something that could be easily destroyed. Tears leaked from her eyes as she succumbed to another bubble of panic, thinking she might always be doomed to feel this way, conflicted in the worst way as to what action to take.
Robin was her dearest friend, a person in the past she could always count on and ask any question that came to her mind. He had seen her for what she was and helped her grow into who she was now: as a hero, as a citizen of Earth, as a friend, and as a lover. He was comfort and truth and goodness. He had permanently left beauty marks on her in their best of times, scarring her during the worst. Especially with the great turmoil she was feeling now, it was hard to revisit those scars, hard to forgive when he had turned out the light when it was supposed to be a joyous beginning of their relationship. Even if there was something to rekindle, that flame would need a lot of work, a lot of coaxing to relight what once was. Was it worth the risk? Was it what she even desired? The message he had sent might give her the insight into what she needed, what was even possible.
But still, she did not press that button.
That was a point of no return, while Speedy occupied the other half of her, mind, body, and soul. He didn't deserve more hurt and betrayal as he had inherited her at her worst, a broken state in which she thought she might not recover. Still hadn't, obviously. So patient and kind and funny. He was an unexpected surprise that had caught her off guard. Not expecting to feel so deeply again for another, it was so easy with him, an effortlessness that made a relationship for once not feel like work. Though not quite love yet, it was potential. It was laughing at his silliness and calming him down when he occasionally got hot-headed. It was lightheartedness and the hope that shown in both their eyes. Now, that hope was misplaced, but hopefully not lost.
She continued to wallow in these thoughts, trying her best to reflect more on her true feelings, mentally sorting the pros and cons into boxes, making lists, and running every scenario again and again. Round and round and round. But when it came to matters of the heart, it did not abide by rules. More like an intricate web, feelings, memories, and desires were woven to ensnare her, leaving her marred.
Eventually, she found sleep, her emotional outpour leaving her exhausted.
On the second day, she ventured out, not one to survive alone and in the dark.
Stepping into the common room, she was greeted by the rest of the team, they not clued into what had occurred.
"These are lovely," Bumble Bee mentioned in passing as Starfire ate her first meal in 24 hours. Bee pointed to the flowers on the kitchen table and Starfire absentmindedly nodded, ducking her head down as to deter this conversation. Bee continued, however, thinking Starfire was just being coy. "Did you guys have a good time? I'm assuming so since I haven't seen you or Speedy since date night." She wagged her eyebrows suggestively, wanting to know the tea while Aqualad and the twins played a video game on the couch, oblivious to their conversation.
Starfire sighed, not up for gossiping but wanting to be honest. "It was perfect," she finally got out, though not in a typical joyous, Starfire manner that was expected.
Bee, now sensing her melancholy state, prompted, "But?"
"But I ruined it," she finished, eyes tear bright as she gazed down into her cereal bowl. She immediately blinked them away, but it was too late as they were seen by Bee.
"Oh, no, Star. It's ok," Bee said, immediately flying over so that she was beside Starfire and resting her hand on her shoulder. "I'm sure that's not the case. Do you want to go somewhere else to talk?"
Starfire feebly nodded, walking with Bee to her room.
As the door slid shut behind them, Starfire took in the setup of the room for the first time. Outfitted with sleek black furniture and yellow accents, it was a perfect blend of Bee's personality and modernity.
Sitting down on her bed, Starfire immediately started to spill her guts, filling her in on the date from the beginning. Bee swooned as Starfire set up the scene and talked about their conversations, how it was more than she had ever expected and that everything fell perfectly into place for them. Getting to the end of the night, Starfire blushed furiously, trying to skip over their rendezvous in the bedroom as quickly as possible, though Bee demanded the dirty details. Bee was stopped in her teasing, however, when Starfire stalled, finally confessing her transgression.
"Yikes," Bee said unintentionally, Starfire's face falling. Bee became more sympathetic, patting her hand in comfort before saying, "Star, this can be fixed. I think you and Speedy just need to talk more. You haven't seen him since the date, right?"
Starfire nodded. "Truthfully, I do not know what to say. And he said he required the space. I am trying to respect his wishes."
"Ah, I see," Bee said, trying to think of a solution. "With you leaving tomorrow it doesn't make this any easier," she mused. "Maybe it would be better to sort things out with Robin first before you approach Speedy again, anyway. Either try to cut that emotional tie or restart what once was there. It sounds like there are some lingering feelings, whether you want to deny it or not."
That was the thing she liked about Bee. She was always blunt with her assessments and did not spare her feelings.
"That is the problem. There will always be feelings there. For the both of them."
Bee sighed, saying gently, "It's not a bad thing to be capable of feeling for more than one person at a time. Your problem isn't stopping your love for one or the other. I think you need to figure out which potential love is worth more in pursuing further and move forward from there." Bee looked into her eyes, driving home her point. "I know that's easier said than done and I'm not envious of your position, but it'll work out in the end. You'll see. I would take this break that you are going on and use it to sort out how you feel." She then paused, asking, "Robin's not going to be there is he?"
Starfire shook her head. "No, I was told he would be in Gotham for the majority of the week."
"Good," said Bee. "Take this week to enjoy the holidays and maybe talk to Raven. She might have different insights as well." Bee slung her arm around Starfire's shoulders. "No matter what happens, we got your back. We'll make whatever you choose work."
Bee's words stuck with her, she a much-needed sounding board that gave her some direction forward.
Comforted by her friend and the promise of a new week ahead, she slept dreamlessly that night, for once not taking any of her worries with her to the other side.
On the third day and final day, things changed.
Starfire methodically packed her bags, her large duffel stacked with extra uniforms and civilian outfits. In slightly better spirits, she slung the strap over her shoulder and journeyed to the common room to give her final goodbyes to the group for the week.
Stepping into the room, she was surprised to see that all the boys, including a certain one, were happily playing a board game at the coffee table. Laughing at what seemed to be Speedy's misfortune, Mas y Menos high-fived one another.
"Rigged," Speedy declared. "This is totally and utterly rigged."
"You're just butthurt," Aqualad said, grinning madly as he dealt the fake money to the twins.
Bee, spying Starfire's entry, flew from where she was observing their game and over to the alien. She coughed loudly, getting the boy's attention so their heads turned toward her.
"Oh, is it that time already?" Aqualad said, looking at the clock. He got up, the twins following behind as they jumped over the couch to the other side. Speedy, seemingly more reluctant, stood and walked around the sofa instead, leaning on its back with his arm crossed and not looking in her direction.
Bee latched onto her first, giving her a tight squeeze then releasing. "We'll miss you, girl. Remember what I said and have a good Christmas." She gave her a wink then, stepping back as Aqualad gave her a brief hug next.
"Happy Holidays, Star, and have a Happy New Year."
Starfire smiled at his kind words until he was quickly ousted as the twins rushed in, peppering her with hugs and kisses. "Feliz Navidad, nuestro amor," they chanted and she squeezed them back in return. After a few long minutes, she untangled herself from them, giving them one last pat on their heads.
"Saving the best for last I see," Speedy said, diverting her attention so it was fully on him.
Turning to look at him fully for the first time in serval days, his signature half smile was missing as he continued to lean on the couch, too cool for school style. It was obvious he was more somber than usual and trying to play something off.
Starfire crossed her arms, feigning indifference as she strolled up to him.
"One could argue the opposite," she teased back, but it fell flat on her lips.
He gave a small smile then, standing up straight.
What he did next surprised her.
Crushing Starfire to his chest, he encased her in a bear hug that lasted a few seconds, his face buried in her hair. She took in his smell, his strength, all of it. It was comforting to be near him again as her arms slid naturally around his neck.
"Don't go falling for any suave, masked men out there, ok?" he said jokingly and only for her to hear.
Releasing her at last but not letting go of her waist, he pecked her cheek and eased her down so her feet were now firmly on the ground. She wasn't quite sure whether he was actually joking or not as a strange look flickered then disappeared on his face again.
Before she could reply, he continued. "I still want a call occasionally," he said so now that the others could hear, his mood uplifting. Relief swept over her and a breath she didn't know she was holding released. Even though his smile was laced with a tinge of sadness, it was all for her. "You did pinkie promise."
She smiled back, hopeful. "Every day," she promised.
"Ugh, please. Enough with the flirting," complained Aqualand, breaking the moment. Sending Aqualad a glare, Speedy let go of her waist and stepped back as the group went to hug her one last time. The action left Starfire partially unsatisfied, but she was eternally grateful they would be able to leave things on a lighter note.
One group hug later, she turned to leave, her ride arriving. Saying her last well wishes and waving goodbye, she cast one more glance behind her.
Speedy stared straight at her, the slightest look of pain on his face as he gave a small wave and nod in her direction as the doors swished closed.
