Disclaimer: I do not Inuyasha….but if I did...id have enough money to get rid of my brother

A screwed up Fairy Tale

By: Sam

The next morning Kagome woke up by the sound of frantic pounding on her door. Before she could even open her eyes Inuyasha had burst into her room, his face gone white.

"My dad...my dad wants to see us this afternoon!" he said breathlessly.

"Well...what's wrong with that?" Kagome asked raising an eyebrow.

"My dad wants to see us!" he said emphasizing the 'see' as if it made a difference.

She rolled her eyes. "Inuyasha…go back to sleep"

"You don't understand!" he persisted "The last time he summoned me he told me I was gonna marry YOU!"

Kagome sat up and glared at the hanyou. "Inuyasha…have you ever played dodge ball?" she asked, her eyebrow twitching.

He stared at her and nodded. "Yeah but I'm not very good…oh crap"

A number of objects, including a shoe, a pillow (and somehow a rock) hit Inuyasha's head before he reached the floor.

When he finally reached safety from Kagome's surprisingly strong arm (and consciousness) he rubbed his skull and felt something on his head. Taking if off he saw a...bra! Inuyasha stormed back to the bedroom door and shouted. "What do you think you're doing throwing your b...br...br...br..." He paused and stuck out his tongue. What is up with my mouth?

"What Inuyasha? My bra?" asked Kagome.

He nodded.

"Yes, I put that around my breasts" she said, posing with it over her chest. "Haven't you ever seen one before?"

Inuyasha fainted.

xxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxx

20 minutes later the young couple was in their living room, waiting for the King's grand entrance. Inuyasha, looking like a nervous wreck, and Kagome looking homicidal. Inuyasha soon looked homicidal as well when he saw who accompanied his maid.

It was none other than Sesshoumaru and Kagura Takahashi.

"What are you doing here?" Inuyasha spat through clenched teeth.

"Little brother, I'm not any happier to be in this...disgusting place you call a home than you are having me here."

"Whatever" Inuyasha said rolling his eyes. "Where's his royal tard head?"

"Sadly, Inuyasha, I have not yet mastered the art of mind reading, so like you, I have no idea what your father has planned for us."

Kagome watched the brothers and rolled her eyes. "I hope our kids don't end up like this..."

"Hah! Like I'd want to have kids with you!"

"Although I pity your wife Inuyasha, I think that's a must. That or she could go to a sperm bank." he turned to Kagome. "I think the latter option is better. You don't want your children coming out retarded."

Kagome giggled.

Inuyasha glared at Sesshomaru. "Well, at least my first time wasn't with a guy…"

Kagura's eyes widened "Yeah, I don't think I'm having children with you...Sesshomaru, sorry…"

"No! Kagura! You don't understand! I was 17…I…I was drunk.."

"Of course you were…" Inuyasha said sarcastically.

Kagome burst out laughing. "No, go on" she said when they stopped to stare at her. "You guys are HILARIOUS"

Kagura scoffed. "You've seen nothing yet; these morons have spent hours fighting over whose hair is shinier."

"Which, of course is mines" Inuyasha bragged.

"I beg to differ bro, mines is definitely shinier.." Sesshomaru retorted.

Kagome cracked up again, after which Inuyasha took a vow of silence.

"So...was yours also an arranged marriage Kagura?" Kagome asked to break the silence.

"Do you honestly think I would pick this guy if it were up to me?"

"Kagura, I thought..." Sesshomaru questioned.

"HA!" Inuyasha said, putting his arm around Kagome and forgetting his vow of silence.

"At least mines thinks I'm hott!"

"I do?" Kagome questioned

Sesshomaru chuckled. "At least mine finds me smart"

"Are you okay?" Kagura asked.

"Children, children," chuckled the king. "Can't we all just get along?" he asked, making his grand entrance.

"Fat Chance" Grumbled Inuyasha.

The adults sat on the 'royal' couch and listened to their 'royal' elder.

"The reason I called you here is because I have a very important announcement, Ok?"

"As long as I don't have to marry another stupid guy, I'm fine" Kagome replied

"Hah, like anyone else would take you," said Inuyasha.

Sesshomaru laughed. "I'd watch my mouth or you'll end up single forever"

"I wouldn't be talking" Kagura replied.

"Now!" the king said loudly. "Be quiet all of you or I'll be forced to put you in time out"

Rolling his eyes, Sesshoumaru said, "Father, we are not 5 anymore."

"No? Well, you could have fooled me."

Inuyasha chuckled.

"You especially, Inuyasha" the king said.

Inuyasha flattened his ears onto his head and kept quiet.

"As you all know, I have to pick between these two...uh...unique gentlemen to be King"

"We know the obvious choice there" Sesshomaru said.

"Neither," said Kagome quickly.

"AND SO" the king continued
"

Will you just get on with it?" demanded Inuyasha.

"I'm TRYING to if you'll just SHUT UP!"

"Then go ahead" Inuyasha said smartly. "I NEED TO FIND THE EASIEST WAY!" The king screamed.

"What's that? Eanie, Meanie, Miny Mo?" Kagome said flatly.

"Actually" the king continued loudly "A tournament"

"Poker?" asked Sesshoumaru hopefully

"Poker?" screeched Kagura. "You lost a million dollars the last time you played poker!"

"Well that's OBVIOUSLY NOT IT" The king yelled. Inuyasha chuckled again.

"Then, maybe horseback riding" Kagome suggested

Sesshomaru scoffed "Last time we tried THAT Inuyasha got a rather...large boo-boo in a really vulnerable area"

"No one ever told me you weren't supposed to grab the horse by its ears," grumbled InuYasha

"ANYWAYS: It's a tournament, with many especially picked courses
that determine who would serve as a better king" the king continued, losing his patience.

"Like a giant maze?" asked InuYasha. "I've always wanted to go in one of those"

"Yes, please, I'd LOVE to see him get stuck…I mean…go in one of those!" Kagome said eagerly.

Sesshomaru laughed. "Like a tiny mouse, yes I rather like that idea."

"Can we fill it with lions and tigers and bears?" Kagome continued with a grin, spacing out into her own Inuyasha-torturing world.

Kagura smirked. "I'll go for it if Sesshomaru does it too."

"There will be NO maze!" shouted the king "What bloody good does a maze do in determining the better king?" he said exasperatedly.

"Well, he COULD get lost in it!" Piped up Kagura

The king rolled his eyes "Maybe it's a better idea to put ALL of you in there." He grumbled.

"While blindfolded and duct taped. With a horde of rampaging elephants set loose." Kagura smirked, looking at Sesshomaru evilly.

"I'll just live forever. Forget this king business" the king said to himself.

"But I want to be king!" whined InuYasha

"With you as King, the kingdom will run away" Kagome said dryly. "And I'll go with it"

"Which is why I would make a better choice"

Kagura rolled her eyes. "Why? So you can lose the kingdom in a game of poker? "One bloody game of poker and it goes downhill.."

"I million dollars Sesshomaru! 1 million! That's money for the poor!"

"It was only 1 million dollars."

"One? It was one million last week. 2 million with the week before, Shall I continue?" She demanded.

Sesshomaru pouted.
"Oh and my favorite was last month, When you almost bet ME" She added. "If I hadn't come in time, I'd belong to Joe: whoever THAT is!"

"I had a pair, it was a guaranteed win," defended Sesshoumaru
"A PAIR! You were going to bet me on a PAIR?"
The king out let out a heavy sigh

"Do you even know how to play poker?"

"Yes I took lessons!"

"From who? A squirrel?"

"But squirrels are cute!"

"THAT'S IT! FORGET EXPLAINING! IM BLOODY OUTTA HERE! THE TOURNAMENT STARTS NEXT WEEK! ADIEU AND GOODBYE!" The king screamed, losing his patience and storming out of the room.

"Kagome, what does adieu mean?" whispered InuYasha

Kagome rolled her eyes. "It means your not king."

"But I wanna be king."

Sesshomaru rolled his eyes "Here we go again..."
The king suddenly stormed back in, a big slap mark on his cheek
"What are you still doing here?" Inuyasha questioned.
"Your mother…insists I explain this tournament to you in further detail"

The king immediately passed out tootsie pops to the four "adults".
"CANDY!" cheered Inuyasha.

"Good, perhaps that should occupy you lot while I talk," sighed the king in

relief

"The tournament" the king began, looking at them as if waiting for an interruption. The only sound he heard was the sound of four adults happily sucking on their tootsie pops.

"Begins next week," he continued, satisfied with him.
"Daddy"

"Yes Inuyasha?" the king asked, more than a little ticked off.

"How many licks does it take to reach the center of a tootsie pop?"

"I don't know...Inuyasha...count"

"Ok! One...lick! Two…licks!" Inuyasha looked entertained.

"It starts next week and it tests your skills"

"Um kagome? What comes after two?"

"3" she said coldly.
"Thank you... 3 Lick! 4 lick! 5lick!"
"It lasts 3 months and the women will also participate"

"WHAT?" Kagura yelled.

"Why?" Sesshomaru asked calmly.
"HAHA!" Inuyasha said with his lollipop still in his mouth.

Kagome looked about ready stick the lollipop up Inuyasha's butt.

"11 LICK, 12 LICK!"
"I will stick this up your ear if you don't stop it now," Sesshomaru shouted.

Kagome whiplashed and looked at Sesshomaru It's as if he read my mind…

"Thank you Sesshomaru. Now! It lasts 3 months and the first event..."

"Thirteen..." crunch! "Ow...I think I chipped a tooth"

The king looked crestfallen.

"Daddy, why are tootsie rolls so damn hard?"
"Dad? Why is Inuyasha so damn Stupid?" Sesshomaru asked.
"POTTY MOUTH NOOBS!" Kagome screeched.

"Dad?"

"Yes Kagura!" he asked.

"My tootsie pop went bye-bye"
"I accidentally dropped it in Inuyasha's hair"
"What!"
"Daddy!"

"He's touching me!" Kagome whined as Sesshomaru began poking her.
"Um, it's ok, I can get it out. Let's see...oops," giggled Kagura.
"I think I just got it more stuck"
Suddenly, the king got a wickedly…happy smile on his face
He walked out of the room and came back in with a bucket of chocolate
20 minutes later, 4 chocolate covered adults sat in the living room of a small palace, pouting their butts off.

"Um, this might be a bad to say...I'm kind of allergic to chocolate" said Kagome sheepishly.

The king splashed water on her.

"Thank you"
The queen burst into the room angrily "ARE YOU DONE YET!"

"Well...you see..."
The queen took the king by the ear and sat him down next to the rest of the "adults'

"Honestly, he can deal with a kingdom but not with kids..." she grumbled
"We're not kids!" Kagura protested

"You could have fooled me" retorted the queen
"Oooh Kagura's in trouble!"
"Sesshomaru shut up this instant!"

Sesshomaru pouted and hung his head. "Yes mommy"

"As I was saying the tournament lasts for 3 months and the first event, which is next week Wednesday, will be held in town square"

"Why are we having a tournament?" asked Inuyasha suddenly

"Excuse me" the queen said, before walking out of the room and returning with a pair of scissors

"Inuyasha, do you love your hair?" She asked suddenly.

Inuyasha's eyes widened before he grabbed his chocolate covered hair protectively."Yes mommy, and I love you very much"

"Suck up," coughed kagome

"Kagome, do you like your hair?"

"Yes" she said sheepishly. She raised her hand.

"Yes Kagome?"

"Why'd you have to have such a stupid son?" Kagome responded.

"I'm sorry my dear, we dropped him on his head when he was a baby"

Inuyasha rubbed his head.

"And why do I have to marry him?" she asked.
"We drew your name out of a hat" the queen said apologetically.

"Nuff said, proceed" Kagome said, looking mournful.

"Besides, Kagura would have killed him by now and the kingdom would have been lost in a game of poker" she said, looking at Sesshomaru pointedly who found a spot on the wall to look at.

"As I was saying, the event is a simple twister competition, just to decide which team will participate first"

"Except its twister in a pool"
Kagura's hand shot up. "Why in a pool?"

"Simply because we would like to test your agility"

"What does agility have to do with being king?" Inuyasha asked.

"It's entertainment" the king said matter-of-factly.

"Honey, you weren't supposed to tell them that!" admonished the queen "But, after all, they have no power. So see you next week." She added as a second thought. "And now I and the king are late for an afternoon engagement of 'Air Bud', so Toodles!"

EnD ChApTeR

Ok sO yeS tHaT iS tHe EnD Oof tHiS vErY pOiNtLeSs ChApTeR, hOpE yOu EnJoYeD tHe HuMoR!

ReViEw!