Chapter Two... The Vanishing Allusion to Book Two
Larry awoke to find himself in the doghouse. Literally. Ever since he had woken up on the Dumleys' front porch an unspecified number of years ago, they had despised him and him they. When his disgustingly ugly Aunt Penelope had discovered him on the doorstep, she had the biggest hernia ever recorded in the history of Britain. When her lard-butt of a husband, Virgil, saw him, he simply died and, after being resuscitated, spent the next year on life support. All of this could have been wonderful if it weren't for their daughter, Daisy. She was the biggest, fattest, meanest, and most repulsive girl that God ever profaned himself by creating and she was madly in love with Larry. She didn't care that Larry was her cousin and, apparently, neither did her parents. The fact that they hated Larry more than anything else didn't seem to stop them from forcing him to hold Daisy's hand and kiss her in public.
While he was in the doghouse this morning, it wasn't that which made this particular day so special, for he had lived in the doghouse since he could walk. What made today different from every other day of his miserable life was that it was Daisy's birthday. This meant that they would be spending the day at the local zoo terrorizing all of the unsuspecting animals. While this might have seemed like a nice break from the fifty page list of chores Larry was given by his Aunt Penelope every day, it also meant that he would have to endure an entire day of Daisy swooning over him.
"LARRY, GET YOUR SCRAWNY BUTT IN HERE AND SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO DAISY WITH US!!!!" said the piercing voice of his Aunt Penelope. He lifted himself up and dusted away they hay from his pink bunny pajamas that had been handed down to him from Daisy. There wasn't much to Larry. He was rather small for his age with jet black hair and green eyes over which he wore circle-rimmed glasses. He called back to Penelope that he was coming and ran into the house as quickly as he could so that none of the neighbors would see him in his pajamas.
He entered the house to see a mountain of presents numbering in the hundreds of thousands. "How many presents are there, daddy?" asked Daisy
"Two hundred thousand five hundred twenty one," he said proudly, apparently in ecstasy over the fact that he could count that high."
She began to cry uncontrollably. "But last year I had two hundred thousand five hundred fifteen."
"Sweety... we bought you six more presents than last year."
She stopped crying and pondered this for a few minutes. "Oh!" she said happily and began ripping them all open.
When she had finished, Larry was forced to give her eleven birthday kisses and sing Happy Birthday to her as a solo while still in his pink bunny pajamas. Feeling completely humiliated, Larry dressed himself and prepared for his long day at the zoo. His Uncle Virgil strapped him to the roof of their station wagon and he tried his best to avoid swallowing too many insects as they drove along. Finally, after only swallowing a record low of ten flies, six beetles, and one load of bird droppings, they arrived at the zoo and Larry was forced to hold Daisy's hand as they trudged along through the various exhibits. It was a very nice Saturday afternoon and the zoo was crowded with happy children and their families. Larry watched the other people pass by him longingly, wishing he could escape the terrible life he lived. His longings were cut short, however, whenever Daisy began to cry and complain after only being at the zoo for a total of five minutes.
"Mummy! I'm tired and hungry and sweaty, and this place is boooring."
"But Daisy Dookie Dairy Delivery Darling, you've been looking forward to coming to the zoo for weeks."
"I don't care. I hate this place. All of the animals are stinky and ugly and I want to go to the gift shop and buy a stuffed giraffe."
"Oh Sweetie Snookie Slurpy Slug, don't you want to go see the real giraffes first?"
"No. Take me to the gift shop NOW!"
Virgil made a strange noise which Larry assumed was a laugh. "That's my little girl. She knows what she wants."
And so, having seen a total of zero animals (unless you count the ones Larry had swallowed), they made their way to the zoo gift shop. But then, as they approached the hut-shaped shop in the middle of the park, something caught Larry's eye. Conveniently placed right beside the entrance to the shop, as if only there to help deepen the plot of this so far pathetic story, was a large glass tank containing a giant anaconda hanging from an obviously fake tree branch. A small queue of obnoxious children surrounded the tank, pressing their faces against the glass and slobbering all over it.
Larry watched the snake with great pity and somehow felt he knew what it was going through. And then, so quickly that there is no other way to describe it than fast, the snake lifted its head, looked at Larry, and stuck out its tongue. Larry blinked, quite certain he had imagined it, and then the snake began making faces at him and slobbering all over the inside of the glass. Dumbfounded, Larry asked the snake, "Are you alright?"
"Of course I'm not alright. I'm stuck in a tank barely big enough to hold me, I only eat when my keeper remembers to feed me, and I spend all day making faces at these retarded kids and wishing I could bite their ugly heads off."
"Are you... talking?"
"No, I'm practicing for my debut in a Broadway production... And I thought maybe you weren't as big an idiot as the rest of these yo-yos."
Larry was so angry and insulted that he didn't even know what he was happening but there was a sudden flash of light and, when his eyes readjusted, the glass tank had vanished and the snake was writhing on the ground bleeding, having been impaled by the fake tree. He didn't know what had happened but he was almost certain that it was somehow his fault and it gave him a great swell of satisfaction.
Of course, that was before he felt a great wallop upon the side of his head. His Aunt Penelope and Uncle Virgil both struck him at the same time from different directions and it sent his head in such a flutter that he felt he would never see straight again. "Watch where you're walking you idiot; you nearly tripped poor Daisy," said Penelope.
"Didn't you see what happened to that snake?" asked Larry.
"We have better things to do than to goggle over... OH!"
It seemed that she finally realized that where there used to be obnoxious children torturing the caged reptile there was no longer a cage or a snake but simply a crowd of horrified little brats. "What... what... what have you DONE??"
Larry looked at them in disbelief. Even though he suspected that it was somehow his fault he couldn't imagine how they could blame the vanishing glass on him. "What do you mean? How could I have...?"
Virgil suddenly turned bright red and then purple and then a terrible shade of blue before he finally had a heart attack and collapsed on the spot. Daisy began to kick him as he lay on the ground, crying about how he'd ruined her birthday party and Penelope continued to shout profanities and threats at Larry. The zoo became an absolute riot as more people began to notice the now dead snake and Virgil lying unconscious. By the time rescue personnel were able to clear a path to get to Virgil he had already come to and began to berate Larry again.
The ride home was far more miserable than the ride to the zoo. Aside from the fact that he had swallowed at least eight loads of bird droppings, forty-six beetles, nine hundred flies, and even a very angry bee that stung his stomach five times before finally giving in to its death, Larry had the foreboding feeling of facing his punishment when they arrived. With the way his day had been and with what he had to look forward to, Larry found himself thinking fondly of his dog house where, aside from being cold and uncomfortable, at least nobody was around to treat him, well... like a dog.
Larry awoke to find himself in the doghouse. Literally. Ever since he had woken up on the Dumleys' front porch an unspecified number of years ago, they had despised him and him they. When his disgustingly ugly Aunt Penelope had discovered him on the doorstep, she had the biggest hernia ever recorded in the history of Britain. When her lard-butt of a husband, Virgil, saw him, he simply died and, after being resuscitated, spent the next year on life support. All of this could have been wonderful if it weren't for their daughter, Daisy. She was the biggest, fattest, meanest, and most repulsive girl that God ever profaned himself by creating and she was madly in love with Larry. She didn't care that Larry was her cousin and, apparently, neither did her parents. The fact that they hated Larry more than anything else didn't seem to stop them from forcing him to hold Daisy's hand and kiss her in public.
While he was in the doghouse this morning, it wasn't that which made this particular day so special, for he had lived in the doghouse since he could walk. What made today different from every other day of his miserable life was that it was Daisy's birthday. This meant that they would be spending the day at the local zoo terrorizing all of the unsuspecting animals. While this might have seemed like a nice break from the fifty page list of chores Larry was given by his Aunt Penelope every day, it also meant that he would have to endure an entire day of Daisy swooning over him.
"LARRY, GET YOUR SCRAWNY BUTT IN HERE AND SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO DAISY WITH US!!!!" said the piercing voice of his Aunt Penelope. He lifted himself up and dusted away they hay from his pink bunny pajamas that had been handed down to him from Daisy. There wasn't much to Larry. He was rather small for his age with jet black hair and green eyes over which he wore circle-rimmed glasses. He called back to Penelope that he was coming and ran into the house as quickly as he could so that none of the neighbors would see him in his pajamas.
He entered the house to see a mountain of presents numbering in the hundreds of thousands. "How many presents are there, daddy?" asked Daisy
"Two hundred thousand five hundred twenty one," he said proudly, apparently in ecstasy over the fact that he could count that high."
She began to cry uncontrollably. "But last year I had two hundred thousand five hundred fifteen."
"Sweety... we bought you six more presents than last year."
She stopped crying and pondered this for a few minutes. "Oh!" she said happily and began ripping them all open.
When she had finished, Larry was forced to give her eleven birthday kisses and sing Happy Birthday to her as a solo while still in his pink bunny pajamas. Feeling completely humiliated, Larry dressed himself and prepared for his long day at the zoo. His Uncle Virgil strapped him to the roof of their station wagon and he tried his best to avoid swallowing too many insects as they drove along. Finally, after only swallowing a record low of ten flies, six beetles, and one load of bird droppings, they arrived at the zoo and Larry was forced to hold Daisy's hand as they trudged along through the various exhibits. It was a very nice Saturday afternoon and the zoo was crowded with happy children and their families. Larry watched the other people pass by him longingly, wishing he could escape the terrible life he lived. His longings were cut short, however, whenever Daisy began to cry and complain after only being at the zoo for a total of five minutes.
"Mummy! I'm tired and hungry and sweaty, and this place is boooring."
"But Daisy Dookie Dairy Delivery Darling, you've been looking forward to coming to the zoo for weeks."
"I don't care. I hate this place. All of the animals are stinky and ugly and I want to go to the gift shop and buy a stuffed giraffe."
"Oh Sweetie Snookie Slurpy Slug, don't you want to go see the real giraffes first?"
"No. Take me to the gift shop NOW!"
Virgil made a strange noise which Larry assumed was a laugh. "That's my little girl. She knows what she wants."
And so, having seen a total of zero animals (unless you count the ones Larry had swallowed), they made their way to the zoo gift shop. But then, as they approached the hut-shaped shop in the middle of the park, something caught Larry's eye. Conveniently placed right beside the entrance to the shop, as if only there to help deepen the plot of this so far pathetic story, was a large glass tank containing a giant anaconda hanging from an obviously fake tree branch. A small queue of obnoxious children surrounded the tank, pressing their faces against the glass and slobbering all over it.
Larry watched the snake with great pity and somehow felt he knew what it was going through. And then, so quickly that there is no other way to describe it than fast, the snake lifted its head, looked at Larry, and stuck out its tongue. Larry blinked, quite certain he had imagined it, and then the snake began making faces at him and slobbering all over the inside of the glass. Dumbfounded, Larry asked the snake, "Are you alright?"
"Of course I'm not alright. I'm stuck in a tank barely big enough to hold me, I only eat when my keeper remembers to feed me, and I spend all day making faces at these retarded kids and wishing I could bite their ugly heads off."
"Are you... talking?"
"No, I'm practicing for my debut in a Broadway production... And I thought maybe you weren't as big an idiot as the rest of these yo-yos."
Larry was so angry and insulted that he didn't even know what he was happening but there was a sudden flash of light and, when his eyes readjusted, the glass tank had vanished and the snake was writhing on the ground bleeding, having been impaled by the fake tree. He didn't know what had happened but he was almost certain that it was somehow his fault and it gave him a great swell of satisfaction.
Of course, that was before he felt a great wallop upon the side of his head. His Aunt Penelope and Uncle Virgil both struck him at the same time from different directions and it sent his head in such a flutter that he felt he would never see straight again. "Watch where you're walking you idiot; you nearly tripped poor Daisy," said Penelope.
"Didn't you see what happened to that snake?" asked Larry.
"We have better things to do than to goggle over... OH!"
It seemed that she finally realized that where there used to be obnoxious children torturing the caged reptile there was no longer a cage or a snake but simply a crowd of horrified little brats. "What... what... what have you DONE??"
Larry looked at them in disbelief. Even though he suspected that it was somehow his fault he couldn't imagine how they could blame the vanishing glass on him. "What do you mean? How could I have...?"
Virgil suddenly turned bright red and then purple and then a terrible shade of blue before he finally had a heart attack and collapsed on the spot. Daisy began to kick him as he lay on the ground, crying about how he'd ruined her birthday party and Penelope continued to shout profanities and threats at Larry. The zoo became an absolute riot as more people began to notice the now dead snake and Virgil lying unconscious. By the time rescue personnel were able to clear a path to get to Virgil he had already come to and began to berate Larry again.
The ride home was far more miserable than the ride to the zoo. Aside from the fact that he had swallowed at least eight loads of bird droppings, forty-six beetles, nine hundred flies, and even a very angry bee that stung his stomach five times before finally giving in to its death, Larry had the foreboding feeling of facing his punishment when they arrived. With the way his day had been and with what he had to look forward to, Larry found himself thinking fondly of his dog house where, aside from being cold and uncomfortable, at least nobody was around to treat him, well... like a dog.
