Chapter 3… The Letters from an Undefined and Quite Determined Nobody
Penelope and Virgil were so angry with Larry about the riot at the zoo that by the time his punishment was finally over, the unspecified time of year that this story began in had ended and his sixth grade school year was fast approaching. The only times he had been allowed to leave his doghouse were for Daisy's daily tea parties with her dolls in which he was forced to wear a tutu and a pink bonnet for her amusement.
It was only on the second day following the end of his punishment that Larry walked into the house and was overpowered by shocking pink balloons and streamers that plastered the entire kitchen. In the middle of it all was an equally pink Daisy and her parents. Almost afraid of what the answer may be, Larry asked, "What's all this for?"
Penelope sneered, clearly in pain because of the sound of his voice. "It is a celebration you disgusting waste of skin. Daisy is starting sixth grade and will be attending the highly prestigious School of Learning for Overwhelmingly Bratty Girls."
Although still in shock about the color of the house, Larry couldn't help but smile, "So, she and I will be going to different schools next year then."
Virgil broke into a malevolent smile and quickly began to turn many different colors with wicked happiness. "No."
Larry froze. "No? But… you said that she was going to that all girls' school."
Virgil was beginning to look in serious danger of having his fifth heart attack of the week. "She is… And so are you!" Clearly, the bliss of it all was simply too much for him because he finally collapsed.
Larry looked to Penelope, "You… you're kidding. There's no way. They would never let…"
"Shut up you stupid hairball. We couldn't possibly send Looky Loosy Lovey Licky Limey Lootle to a strange place all by herself. We reviewed the rules of the school and there is no rule against boys attending. However…" She began, and by the look she gave she too seemed to be trying painfully to contain her bliss, "They do have very strict rules on the dress code."
His eyes bulged in horror, knowing what was coming.
She pulled from behind her back a putrid purple checkered knee skirt and a pink button shirt that could not possibly have matched less with the skirt. "You will be wearing these."
Daisy screamed in absolute ecstasy, "OH Larry! We're going to have so much fun! I heard that they teach you how to be a prim and proper lady at that school. I'm so excited. And I'll be the only girl there with a boyfriend so all the other girls will be so jealous!"
Larry was saved the pain of coming up with a response by the click of the morning post being delivered. "I think I'll go and gather the mail." He walked as slowly as he could to the door, thinking about how horribly embarrassed he would be on his first day of school. He reached the door and bent down to pick up the mail when he noticed an odd piece of mail lying on top. It was fluorescent green with hot pink lettering on the front in which the address was written.
L.Rotter
The Dog House
Number 4 Private Drive
Thank You Very Much
Britain
Larry was quite taken aback. He had never received any mail before in his entire life and he was quite sure that not a single soul that might care to send him any even existed. He picked up the mail and began to walk slowly back to the kitchen, eyeing the strange letter addressed to him. He set the rest of the morning post onto the counter, opened the letter, and was just about to read it when it was suddenly not in his hand any longer.
"Who told you that you could read our mail?" snapped Penelope, holding his letter in her greasy boney hand.
"It was addressed to me. It even has my doghouse on it."
Penelope sneered the most horrible sneer she could muster and directed it at the innocent piece of paper in her hand. Her eyes began to bulge terribly until Larry was almost certain that they were going to explode and she finally began to let off some of the pressure by wheezing a high pitched and painful wheeze. The sound was so unbearable that it caused Virgil to wake up and then pass out again. She turned to Larry.
"There has been a mistake. This letter is not for you."
"Yes it is. How could there have been a mistake?"
"Silence! It is a mistake. I will destroy the letter and you will never speak of it again. Do you understand?"
Larry was awestruck. He had finally been recognized by someone as a human being and she was telling him it was a mistake. At a loss for words, Larry finally nodded and went back outside to his doghouse.
The next morning, Larry painfully made his way into the kitchen, still thinking longingly of the letter addressed to him. "Who could have sent it?" he thought, "it's not like anyone even knows I exist."
He sat in silence, trying to think about the soggy cereal and nearly sour milk he had been given for breakfast, but even the dreadful taste of his food couldn't compare to how badly he wanted to read the letter; or at least know who had sent it.
Virgil glared intently at Larry throughout the meal while Penelope simply seemed to be trying to avoid him completely. "Daisy Dumpling Doodle Dinkle Duffer Darling, could you please go and get the mail for mummy and daddy?"
Daisy mustered a look on her face which anyone who didn't understand the situation would have believed resulted from learning that her family had been chopped to bits by an axe murderer and baked into the pie which she was having for breakfast. "WHAT? NO MUMMY, DON'T MAKE ME DO IT, PLEASE!" she screamed, and then burst into uncontrollable sobbing.
Penelope then burst into tears with her, apparently aghast with herself for asking her precious daughter to do such a terrible task. "Oh Precious Poodle Pumpkin Picking Peddler, Mummy is so sorry! I will get the post. Here, have another slice of pie my darling."
Daisy glowed with ecstasy and began to ravage her pie like a famished animal that had just crossed the frozen tundra without food or water.
Penelope went to the mail slot and grabbed the morning post, flipping through it quickly to see if she had been lucky enough to receive her neighbor's mail today so that she could pretend to open it by mistake before returning it. Instead, she screamed a deadly and terrifying scream that shattered every window in the house and sent Virgil into seizures. "IT'S ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE BLASTED BLOODY LETTERS!"
Larry jumped from his chair and ran to the door. "Give it to me!" he exclaimed. "It's not a mistake; it can't be!"
Suddenly, the house began to rumble and through the shattered windows burst hundreds of thousands of owls of every color and size imaginable, each carrying a letter identical to the one in Penelope's hand. Virgil had fifteen heart attacks and then continued his seizure, Daisy began to jump up and down demanding more pie, and Larry tried desperately to grab one of the many letters but Penelope, in a stroke of fervor and intensity only possible when something as important as continuing Larry's misery is at stake, grabbed him by the ear and tossed him easily onto the station wagon outside and whisked her nearly dead husband and sobbing daughter into the backseat. Within two seconds flat they were all zooming down the road, moving as far away from the house as possible.
They continued to drive for the rest of the day and through the night and the next day as well until they came to the sea.
When they finally stopped, Penelope, apparently still in her same fit of rage, flung the door open so hard that it ripped from the rest of the car and flew haphazardly into the roaring waves. She then gave them all a look so severe that Virgil, who had just seemed to finally be recovering, returned to his heart attacks, strokes, and seizures and Daisy screamed her bratty little head off while Larry remained strapped to the car, so covered in insects and bird droppings that no one, including himself, was able to tell what his reaction was. "Stay here," she growled and walked to a tiny hut beside a pier with several small boats moored to it. After several moments she returned with a small silver key and a tank of gasoline. "Get in the boat."
"But MUMMY!" screamed Daisy, "WHY?"
"BECAUSE I SAID SO YOU LITTLE POOKIE PUDDLE PUSHER PUMPING PRETTY POODLE! NOW GET IN!"
Daisy was so shocked that she moved silently and sat peacefully in the first boat on the pier.
"YOU TOO YOU WALKING MEDICAL IMPOSSIBILITY!" she screamed to her husband who had now simply gone unconscious. When he remained immobile, she again mustered up her otherworldly strength and flung him out of the car and into the boat which nearly sunk upon the impact. She then did the same to Larry without so much as a word and then moved herself to the boat, poured in some gasoline, inserted the key, and started it painfully after several tries.
It struggled forward and somehow made its way steadily away from the shore before the engine finally exploded, the boat sank, and they all used Virgil's motionless body as a flotation device.
