AN: There's some weird going on with the reviews again. I got a couple of notifications yesterday but they're not up on the site/app, but I am not sure if there were any others. Do tell, if you don't like something as well. Maybe yesterday's chapter was just too much? I take negative critisism pretty well, so don't worry - it'll just steer me in the right direction.

And thanks to all of you have written me ideas on what else to cover, and I am fully aware I've left some things untied (MV house, porsche, Gigi's lovelife, the book), but this has been intentional and I promise I'll get to them, I've been saving them. Also - totally get that this story is not jumping straight into the wedding and babies, but this just isn't that kind of a story (milestones vs the journey) and those things will come even if this will be the longest fanfic ever :D. And I absolutely get that that might be costing me some readers, and I understand. It's not everyone's cup of tea. Those who are still with me - thanks for sticking around. It means a lot.


Chapter 175

May 5th, 2022

This was becoming a routine. Like going to the dentist once or twice a year, like getting a physical, or like doing one's taxes - not that either of them had done that by themselves. It was almost as inconvenient - being a long drive out of their way. And certainly always a little painful, even if just as a reminder that they had things to work on and that they weren't perfect. But independently they both also didn't quite trust themselves with this just yet to stop going either.

"So what's been going on?" You mentioned you were going out of town," Dr. Riggs asked, as Logan and Rory had settled on her couch that Thursday evening.

"I was," Logan replied, leaning back against the couch, looking pretty relaxed. The room had that effect, which was probably why coming rather than feeling torturous, felt cleansing.

"And I have...I have been not handling things terribly well these days," Rory exhaled, self-critically.

"And well... I feel like I haven't exactly helped. Nor do I really know how to help," Logan admitted, and at that Rory squeezed his hand that lay there between them on the couch, causing Logan to cast a little one-sided appreciative smile towards her.

"What happened? How about this - Logan, why don't you tell me what you think she's going through and what is your part in this," the therapist encouraged, turning things around a little.

"Well… I went to London to help my sister out with some business. By accident I saw my ex, and I felt relieved to discover that I was past for the majority of the anger towards her," Logan said and exhaled. "The circumstances helped - she was in an unexpected, fragile, position. Needing my help, essentially. And I helped. We talked a little, I helped her care for her child for a couple of hours," Logan described. "She got a broken arm," he explained, sensing some context was lacking. "And we parted on not terribly warm, but still friendly terms, and she promised to ship over some of my things that she still had packed up in boxes somewhere," he added.

"And what's going on with Rory…," Logan began, continuing to speak. "I guess even before that happened she'd been feeling a little overwhelmed with work, the idea of the baby, her daughter not being too keen on the fact that there's going to be a baby. And I guess she's just trying to figure out what she should do with her life. I think she's already making very good progress, even though she doesn't seem to think that. I think it's great she's choosing to take it slow after the baby comes, I love that she's been writing, even if just a little. Whatever it turns out to be, I think her voice shouldn't be kept hidden," Logan elaborated.

"And since then?" Dr. Riggs asked.

"I guess I'm sensing insecurity from her side. About whether going to London, talking to Odette, changed my mind on what I want," Logan explained, feeling like bringing up the discussion on whether or not to bring up him giving Odette their address was no longer really significant. If anything, that might have actually sounded like he was trying to pick on her, and he certainly was not.

"Has it?" the therapist asked Logan.

"I realized I don't necessarily hate the family company, the legacy, as much as I thought I did. It was the negative connotation that came with my ex that made that so much worse. But it wasn't the root cause of my problems and I do feel relieved that I've faced Odette and talked things out. It's a relief to know she's not holding a grudge and essentially we both got what we wanted even if it wasn't pretty at the time," Logan explained. "But when it comes to Rory - no, it hasn't," he added.

"Rory, how do you feel hearing that? Has he got it right or is there something you'd like to add?" Birdie encouraged.

"He keeps assuring me that we're good, that he isn't going anywhere. And I know he loves me, I totally do," Rory described, looking at Logan as she said it. "And of course that's good to know," she added, clearing her throat a little. "But I guess… maybe… maybe he doesn't get how deep-rooted some of these worries are. I am a mess, I've been a mess for years and now with the added load of baby hormones… I struggle to really understand where I end and the hormones begin," she confessed. "I even had a nightmare about all the ways I've been dumped or walked out on last night. But pregnant women get crazy dreams, so maybe that's way" she added, causing Logan to frown that he was just now learning about this.

"Rory…. You're not a mess. You keep saying it as if that's something that would drive me away. I've seen your panic attacks, some at least - and you handle them better than most. You're so much stronger than you give yourself credit for," Logan just had to say. He had her own mother's behavior for reference here.

"Let's let her finish," Birdie encouraged Rory to continue.

"I don't even know what to say…," Rory said, not knowing where to begin elaborating. "Most of my life I've had experiences of people walking out on me. And that despite their promises and love for me. Exes, my dad… even Logan, and no I don't want to stir up those emotions more than we have to right now - we both know how much that hurt, both times," she continued. "So I do recognize it as a problem and perhaps one thing that I've grown to see now is that the way we ended things the last time with us and the way I ended things with Jess the last time - they were part of a pattern too. I was the one saying 'enough' and that was empowering. I took the leap despite feeling very powerless. And I know it sounds awful like that," Rory explained.

Logan hadn't really thought of it like that, but he got it. His self-composure, both times, had been had a very similar function. Maybe they were more alike than they thought?

"Self preservation, perhaps?" Dr. Riggs suggested.

"I guess," Rory agreed.

But learning how ending things with him and with Jess had been something empowering for her also brought out another type of emotion in Logan.

"So what - you're self-sabotaging this? Us?" Logan budded in again, dissapointedly. But he didn't sound mad, it just sounded so unbelievable to him.

"I'm trying not to, but honestly I don't know if this insecurity is part of it or not," Rory shrugged, apologetically.

"Let's just let her speak some more, shall we?" Birdie steered them back on the track.

"I guess I kind of liked the idea that you retreated to me after your divorce, to Hartford, without having any other place to go. Not counting your sister's or Colin's or something like that naturally. It sounds controlling and probably not healthy… but without that other 'home' I felt you were here to stay, I felt more secure. Now with the world open to you - I can't help to feel that you'd just one day not want this anymore, not want this mess," Rory explained, fighting her tears. "And with Em not wanting to share me with the baby, I just worry that this decision to have the baby, to marry you will ruin our mother-daughter relationship. That I'd never be able to be there for her 100% like my mom was for me and this way she'll eventually leave just as mom left my grandmother. Or when I'm not able to handle it, Jess, who's moving to Providence, far away, will get full custody and I'll end up repeating the same pattern on her as my dad did with me," Rory blurted, sobbingly.

Logan certainly didn't like hearing this but he was also surpised by how rapidly hat had escalated. Like emotions being released from behing a dam. But he knew spiraling thoughts when he heard them.

"I'm sorry - I hate this…," Rory apologized for her tears.

Suddenly Logan felt a bang of guilt for not having told Rory about the tentative idea of moving HPG to New York City and beginning to work there more regularly. He hadn't made up his mind yet, and he wanted to figure out where his other company was going, and also consider some of his other options like his consultancy idea, which he had hope to involve Hugo in as well. But he realized, he'd be playing right into her insecurities the longer he waited with this and the more made the decision was from his end.

Wordlessly, Logan rubbed her back, not wanting to see her in tears like this. She was right in a way - being a constant emotional wreck wasn't doing wonders for their relationship. But it wasn't like she was sitting home dwelling on it. She was here, trying to seek answers and getting help. They were here, weren't they? So Logan chose to believe it would to get better.

"You are my 'home'," Logan hummed and kissed her temple, holding her.

"I'm not really one to put labels on things, so I won't," Birdie began. "But Rory, if there's anything positive in this that you could focus on - its that you pretty much have mapped out the root-causes of your issues which are related to abandonment, feeling unloved, but not loved enough. Love not being unconditional in practice, despite what people have said," she reflected. "The downside here is that there's no magic fix. There's no drug to take beyond the usual antidepressant selection which really isn't recommended in your conditions. There's no one thing Logan can tell you to make your brain believe it, it is something that has to come with time and by Logan simply proving you wrong long term. You're also pretty good at listing causal effects which sure, possible in theory, but statistically at least - not very likely. I recall from former times how you're a big maker of lists, right?" she asked.

Rory nodded.

"So try to map out those thoughts as a mind map of some sort - what are possible outcomes of something happening, but don't just list the worst case but also list the positives and intermediate outcomes. Your daughter, for example, could fall in love with the baby the minute she lays eyes on her and all will be well. Yes, it is always possible you're marriage won't last, but it's also equally possible you two will be 95 and retiring in Florida or something," she added in a lighter mood. "As you do that you'll also be able to see a number of things you can do to steer these paths towards the more positive outcomes. With your child this could mean spending more time with her, with Logan - is putting your trust in him more and recognizing the moments when you don't and telling yourself to not make snap decisions unless you're sure it's what you really need not just thoughts rooted in insecurities. And yes, I know it's hard - but he's already in therapy with you. In my experience men who are not committed or intend to make things last - they wouldn't bother. This is the harder path, the easier would be quitting. If he couldn't handle the hard part, would he really be here in that case?

"I guess he wouldn't," Rory exhaled, having calmed a little. Logan kissed her temple again.

"And it's up to you, Logan, to not be distraught if she has some set backs. There'll be moments when she's not feeling the greatest. When something you did, even if unintentionally, or if there's a set back with her daughter, or your other child - also possible. You just need to know that not everything she says or does is what she really means. But you have the knowledge that many of those things are rooted in the fear of being walked out on," Birdie explained.

Logan nodded along, having already figured as much.

"Rory, you need to tell him what you feel, what spiral you're going down on if you feel bad - because he might just see the surface of it. Reflection excersises help - just like we did now. You talk, he'll listen and then he'll try to tell you how he understads what you're feeling in return. You confirm or specify. You either solve it or your repeat it," Dr. Riggs suggested.

"Okay," Rory sighed again, not feeling terribly proud she'd cried again.

There was a brief silence, everyone gathering themselves again.

"Can we do a play through with something here? With the positive and negative scenarios, I mean," Logan suddenly asked.

"Sure," the therapist replied. But Rory genuinely looked scared, sensing something coming.

"So I haven't gotten around to tell you this yet because I wasn't sure if this is something I wanted to do yet. I am still not sure… but just as I now feel like this could be sensitive type of information, I'd rather do it here. Is that okay?" Logan explained.

"Okay," Rory replied, nervously.

"This was never meant to be something to drag the rug from under you and it shouldn't, but I think I can imagine you thinking the worst of this, and maybe it'd be good to discuss these scenarios through here," Logan added, picking his words carefully.

"Just what is it?" Rory asked.

"Honor, my sister, who I believe you know too," Logan began, explaining to their therapist. "Honor and I discussed what we should do with the company and as neither of us wants to keep commuting between London and home, one option that we discussed was the possibility of moving part of the management to our New York office. But since she believes it'd be easier to convince the board to agree on the benefits of this move, it'd mean I'd need to step back into the company at least in some capacity. This would give Honor the necessary leverage. And this would also mean me accepting my father's inheritance," Logan explained and took a deep breath.

"So you'd be working in the City?" Rory reflected.

"As said - right now it's either that or Honor moving to London permanently. But all I did was promise to think about it. And this is not something that would ever happen at the snap of the fingers - we're talking six months to a year, maybe even more. But I think what matters here is that in no scenario do I plan on causing our relationship, our future marriage any harm by doing this. I don't want to be like my own, largely absent, father either," Logan replied.

"So Rory, how do you feel hearing this? What kind of thoughts come to your head?" the therapist asked.

"Well you working in the City definitely doesn't have the nicest vibe to it. Because of the image of your dad mostly, but also because Jess used to work in Philadelphia, often being away weeks on end. And I don't want to be your Betty to your Don Draper either," Rory added, trying to sound humorous but didn't quite feel it and it showed.

"I wouldn't be gone that much. I'm talking part time - few days a week," Logan tried to add, but Birdie cautioned him to hold off for now.

"Have you had infidelity issues in the past, I'm not sure if we covered that?" the therapist asked.

"Yes and no, I guess," Rory sighed.

Birdie encouraged them to continue.

"When we broke up the first time, well technically we just stopped seeing each other and I didn't formally break up with her. I had never been in anything serious before her and I figured we were indeed broken up, and during those months there were some girls. She found out later after we got back together and she was hurt and offended, naturally," Logan explained.

"But we worked it out. And I kind of got my revenge by kissing my ex, but I regretted it the second I did it. And then later… during our affair we had others, but we were knowingly not exclusive then," Rory explained, truly not holding a grudge about this anymore.

"That was just what I took from your Don Draper reference," Birdie explained, sounding a little confused.

"I don't think that… not really. Or I don't know, maybe. I guess I am more concerned about late nights and staying over at the city, drifting apart because of it than that. But it would definitely be a scenario I'd worry about on some level if I felt like we weren't on the same page for a longer period of time," Rory explained. "And with the baby and Em - I think I'd feel very similar to how things were with Jess. He too was away a lot, I was feeling lost and alone with a baby at home. So, no, I don't really like the prospect," she added, honestly.

"But let's try to put a more positive spin on it," Birdie encouraged.

It took Rory a minute.

"I would just be away a day at the time, two max if something runs late. And I would in total just work part time. I'd help out with the baby," Logan began to pitch in.

"Why don't we let Rory tell us what she sees as the more positive scenario first," the therapist encouraged her.

"Sorry," Logan added, having been very eager to provide content.

"It's fine," Birdie replied. "Rory?" she added.

"Okay, so best case. Logan would be away a lot less than Jess was, just brief business trips essentially. I might feel better with this baby as I don't have as much guilt connected to him, less grief… I also actually know what I'm doing this time," Rory said, laughing a little, recalling well the midnight confusion she'd felt the first time Em had had a fever or when she wouldn't go to sleep. "And I do want to see Logan as a father, and I can tell he's so caring and he would be absolutely amazing with him," Rory explained. "Maybe if Em is at Jess' I could sometimes even come along to the City and the baby, especially if we got some smaller place there," she suggested. "But it couldn't be a lot since I need to think about Em's school," she added.

"Keep it positive, Rory," the therapist encouraged her to continue.

"I do want Logan to do what he does well and enjoys. He gets that spark in his eyes when he's at the right path, I've seen it. At best case scenario that is it and he is happy. And if he did want to work more, I guess moving would also be an option, though it would make Em's commute to Jess' longer," Rory discussed.

"You forget we'd have plane and helicopter access," Logan couldn't help himself.

"Yeah, and there's climate change," Rory commented, with a light chuckle. "But I guess seeing him happy, in peace with the past, would be good. I know that what you do now has that big fish in the small pond effect…," Rory admitted.

"And if he starts being too much at work, can you think of some solutions for those issues?" Dr. Riggs asked.

"Talking for one," Rory replied, feeling like this was kind of like a quiz. "Me moving there or closer at least, him changing things around, working more over Zoom, or stepping out of the company," she added. "And it's not like I haven't gotten a reference from the time when I lived in New Haven and Logan in the City, and it kind of worked. Though I wasn't a mother then, it's different with kids and if I don't have a similarly-paced career at the same time," Rory added.

"Logan, how do you feel about this step now that you've heard her concerns," the therapist asked.

"I wouldn't be doing any of it lightly. Honestly if I could be home with the baby the first year or something, I wouldn't mind that one bit, I'd prefer it actually. I don't want to become my father, and I have every intention of avoiding that from happening. And I want Rory to be the one to remind me of that," he said, squeezing her hand. "And I just need Rory to know that even if she chooses to do something else - something that isn't measured by journalistic prizes or number or work hours, she'll never mean the same to me as my mother did to my father, and she probably knows more what I mean than you do," Logan added. "I want to come home to her, I want to see her, talk to her, and our kids," he added, the plural slipping out of his mouth by accident.

"I'll keep assuring her with words and actions that I'm not going anywhere, not unless you tell me point blank that you don't want me around. With all the hurt that we've been through, I just wouldn't do that to you again. I won't," Logan assured, looking at Rory, his words almost sounding like vows.