OOOO

Ch 4

Perhaps it was the pressure that Mikey had gotten from his Father, right up to his departure, or perhaps the stress of waiting to hear about the job offer, that had set Mikey in an irritable mood that Friday evening. But when the bittersweet news arrived that he could have the job in Pensacola if he wanted it, Mikey wasn't sure how he should break the news to Cathy. On the one hand, it would mean that he would have to move far away. He didn't know if their relationship could survive that.

When Cathy arrived home, he calmly informed her of the 'good news.' She had congratulated him, but he had seen something else in her eyes. Fear.

"So I guess that means that you're going to be moving across the country," she told him.

"You could always come with me," he suggested to her.

"No, Mikey, you know I couldn't…"

"But why?"

"Mikey, I've got my own career to think about. I've seen no offers of suitable jobs in or even anywhere near Florida."

"Cathy," Mikey continued, starting to get frustrated, "This is the job of a lifetime, you know that. I have to take this job if I want to make anything of my life."

He had not meant to say it that way, but Cathy had perceived it that way and the hurt was evident on her face.

"Yeah, well it's obvious that you've got no room in this life for me!" Cathy accused him.

"C'mon, that's not what I meant and you know it. Would it really be such a bad thing? I'm sure that you could find something…"

"Mikey, I'm only just out of college. You're far more likely to get something. You've been active in the Navy for years."

"What this is really about is the issue of moving across the country. You're going to have to move away from DC at some point, being in the Marines. Why not now?"

"I don't want to do that, unless I have no other choice. I'm settled here. Do you really want me to do that? Move across the country on whim?"

Mikey gave her a pointed look and Cathy quickly clarified, "The whim of a job, I mean, not the whim of a relationship. What we have means the world to me and I believe in it more than anything."

After a moment of silence, Cathy spoke up again.

"I love you, Michael, but you forget that I've already done this sort of thing before; that's how I spent my entire childhood. I need some stability, now."

"But was it really be so bad? I mean, the whole family issue aside. You did manage to adapt. Think about the advantage that you got over all the other people your age, who stayed in one place. You learned how to speak eight languages, you got to meet lots of people from different cultures and backgrounds…"

"But don't you realize? I would have traded it all in, in a second, if it meant that I'd have had the stable family life! It wasn't all meeting new people. Do you know how lonely that kind of life was? I didn't make new friends…my abductors made sure of that…in the end, I stopped even trying…"

Cathy wrangled with her common sense as she contemplated going on with what she was going to say. On the one hand, she had never told any other person this, even had trouble admitting it to herself sometimes and was worried about what Mikey would think of her once he knew. But on the other, she needed to salvage this relationship that was quickly going down the drain.

"Mikey, I was barely seven years old when I began to see the futility of my situation. I thought that I was never going to escape or make anything of my life…I was drowning in depression and I could only see one way out of it. Do you know that I seriously considered taking my own life, because it was the only way I could see of escaping? It would have been so easy to slip into the school infirmary and grab a bottle of pills and swallow them …or jump off the nearest bridge and let the river carry me away…Once, I even found myself sitting on the wall of the bridge I crossed on my way home from school…but I managed to realize just what I was about to do and I forced myself to climb back down… At seven years old…"

Mikey just stared in disbelief, lost for words.

Cathy kept her eyes to the ground, afraid to look up into Mikey's eyes, afraid of what she might see there.

"Cathy…Baby," Mikey finally managed to speak up, "You never have to worry about anything like that, again. I'll always be here for you, I'll never leave you…"

"Is that dependent on me going with you?" Cathy questioned.

"Why is this bothering you so much? I guess it…it wouldn't be such a bad thing for me to leave and for you to stay here…It would only be for a while…"

"Mikey, how often do you think that we're going to be able to see each other?"

"We'll make time…"

"This is across-country that we're talking about here, not across state! Where are we going to get that kind of money and time when we're both on active duty? And how is our relationship going to survive on occasional telephone calls?"

"We can do this, Cathy, I know we can! What we have is so special, so strong. Our relationship can stand a bit more separation…"

"Mikey, if we're apart, there is no relationship! Don't you see? I'm here, you're there…we're no different than two average people who've never even met each other. Why can't you understand that!"

"Why can't you understand that this is all I've ever wanted?" Mikey interrupted, hurting too much to consider the pain that Cathy must also be feeling, "You and me! Together…But you're just not willing to give us the chance…"

"Michael," Cathy emphasized, again, "I love you, for goodness sake! Just because I'm not willing to move across the country, it doesn't mean that I love you any less. But my family's buried here. Do you expect me to turn my back on them?"

"Now who has no room in their life for who?" Mikey threw back at her.

"Hey! That is not fair! I loved my family. I still do, but I've moved past that, now. I'm just not willing to forsake them altogether, that's all I'm saying. Yes, I love you more than anything, but I can't leave behind everything else I've come to know and love."

Mikey spoke up in a moment of bitterness, "I should have known that you'd have to destroy this relationship. You've destroyed everything else you've ever…"

He quickly bit his tongue. Mikey knew in his heart that he didn't mean it and was bitterly sorry the moment that he spoke those words, but they were already out of his mouth and he couldn't take them back.

Cathy just stared at him in hurt silence for a minute, as tears started to glisten in her eyes.

Then, quietly, she spoke up, "Because most of the people who have been in my life are dead? My parents, my Aunts, cousins…Uncles…Yeah, sure, I bet even Uncle Jim is wishing that he was dead now, too…A life sentence is as good as death… Mikey? My God, do you really believe that?"

She turned away as she lowered her head into her hands and Mikey reached out in apology as she started to sob, brokenly.

As his hand touched her arm, she stiffened and flung his hand away, vehemently telling him, "Get away from me! All my life, men have tried to belittle and hurt me. If they weren't battering me across the room with their fists, then they were hurling stinging, abusive words at me. You're no different! You're cruel, just like the rest of them…"

With that, she fled to the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

Mikey's heart hardened at her angry words and he spoke up loudly, "Fine! I'm out of here. Maybe it's better this way. Dad's been telling me all week that our relationship will never come to anything and I'm starting to think that he's right."

Cathy just sat silently in the bathroom, too upset to speak, choking back the sobs as Mikey grabbed his coat from the closet. Finally he told her, "I'll be at Bud and Harriet's," before storming out.

OOOO

The next morning, Harriet got up early to find that Mikey was sleeping on the couch.

"What's Mikey doing here?" she asked her husband.

"He arrived last night, while you were asleep. Apparently, he and Cathy had a big fight. I thought it was best if he just stayed here for the night, to cool off."

"Hmm," Harriet pondered, "This has 'your Father' written all over it…"

"Most likely," Bud agreed, "I wonder what he said…"

Just then, Mikey woke up, noticed Bud and Harriet then let out a loud groan, remembering the night before.

"Oh, no!" he exclaimed, "What did I do Harriet?"

"You tell me," she replied, far from amused.

"I said some awful things to Cathy…I told her that she manages to destroy everything and everyone in her life…God, how could I say that kind of thing to her? After all of the people she's lost…"

Harriet gave him a disgusted look and Mikey conceded, "I know, I know…It was stupid and it was spiteful, I know. And it wasn't true, but I was hurting and I lashed out. I wanted to take those words back as soon as I'd said them…And the way she looked at me…God, I've never seen her cry like that."

Mikey was starting to look sick to his stomach and panic stricken, so Harriet's anger towards him softened and she took a seat on the arm of the couch, next to him, waiting patiently.

" My God, she was crying…no, not just crying, but sobbing and it was all because of me…I made her cry…How could I have done that? This is all my fault."

Bud sat down next to his brother and asked him, "Was that why you left? Because she was upset?"

"Well, she was angry, too. Really angry…"

"As she should be," Harriet pointed out, still far from letting Mikey off the hook.

Bud put up a hand to silence her then Mikey continued, "Yes, she had every right to be angry…I tried to tell her how sorry I was, that I really didn't mean it. But I couldn't find the words, so I tried to show her, show her how sorry I was, how sorry I still am…. But she told me to get away from her, told me that I was cruel, just like every other man who's tried to hurt her in her life…She said I was no different from Jim, that bastard who nearly killed her…Then I got angry and I broke it all off…"

"What?" Bud exclaimed, "You mean you…"

"I told her that, no matter what, I was going to take the job and that if she didn't understand, then it was probably best that we end it."

"But you didn't mean it, did you?" Bud asked him.

"No! Of course I didn't!" Mikey exclaimed.

"Then get over there and tell her that!" Harriet ordered him.

Mikey stopped only to put on his shoes before he ran out of the front door and to his car.

OOOO

Cathy sat, semi-conscious, on the cold tile floor of the bathroom, where she had spent pretty much the whole night. After Mikey had left, she had been in such a worried state that she had been throwing up non-stop. Even now that there was nothing left in her stomach to bring up, she was still hit by a fit of dry heaving every now and then. Her chest still constricted painfully as she tried to even out her breathing, but all night, an impending panic attack had been threatening. As much as she tried, she couldn't get over the desolate feeling of loss in the pit of her stomach and the painful throbbing in her heart. She was tired, she was cold and was pretty much all cried out.

As Mikey entered the apartment, he noticed how quiet it was and started to worry that Catriona had perhaps left. But as he got to the bedroom, he heard the noise of the toilet flushing in the bathroom and gave a relieved sigh. After hesitating for a moment, he opened the bathroom door and peered in, to see the heart rending sight of Cathy sitting on the floor, propped up against the toilet.

"Cath?" Mikey asked her, "Baby, are you alright?"

She looked around in surprise and her red puffy eyes indicated to Mikey that she had probably spent the whole night crying. Just as Mikey went to go to her, she was wracked by another fit of retching, so quickly leaned over the toilet. Mikey held her until the fit subsided, then flushed the toilet and lifted Cathy to the sink, where he helped her wash her face. After that, she collapsed, exhausted to the bathroom floor, raising her knees up and holding her head in her hands.

"Honey?" Mikey asked her gently, "What's wrong, are you sick?"

"No," Cathy assured him, "It's just nerves. I've been like this since you left, last night. I was worried…I thought that you might not come back."

"I'm so sorry, baby," Mikey apologized, taking her into his arms, "I didn't mean any of it. The thought of us being apart just really scares me. I love you and I'd never be able to live without you in my life."

After holding each other for a minute, Mikey noticed what a state Cathy was in.

"Come on," he told her, "you're tired and you're freezing cold, let's go back to bed and get some sleep."

He gently lifted her into his arms and carried her through to the bedroom. He lowered her gently to the bed, then climbed in next to her, pulling her in close.

"You're so cold!" he exclaimed, "Look, you're shivering!"

"I'm alright, now that you're home," she told him.

At this, Mikey leaned forward and gave her a long, soft kiss, then held her, stroking her face softly as she dropped off to sleep.

"There's no way I could possibly leave her, not ever," he told himself, "It would be like cutting my heart in two."

OOOO