AN: massive writers block atm and near constant guilt feeling I should be doing what I am not doing (when I'm writing, guilt about not working and vice versa).


Chapter 182

May 18th, 2022

After being thrown into the deep end of the topic by having to listen to the instructor explain how the baby travels through the birth canal, Logan was feeling a lot less optimistic about what he'd gotten himself into. This lecture had included a demonstration on how the space between a woman's index finger and thumb when outstretched and touching the other hand in a similar position illustrated the size of the baby's head that was going to have to go through the vagina. This was definitely the part Logan had not been looking forward to when Rory had mentioned they could take prenatal classes. But he knew well enough that squeamish was not how he wanted to show himself in here with a classful of expectant mothers and fathers.

The people were in a variety of shapes, sizes, social background and most notably gestational period. He liked the anonymity of this place too and it reminded him well how in the moment of giving birth besides getting a nicer room and a private midwife, people were all pretty much eaqual. Children were born every day in all types of situations and there were never any guarantees.

In comparison to many of these women, Rory's bump still looked humble, even though she'd by now fully embraced her maternity wardrobe - currently a pair of sage green lululemon's and a pink ribbed top with side ruching that was emphasizing her bump. She'd joked earlier, that she wasn't feeling big enough to go to these classes yet, having just gone a couple of times during her last months to Lamaze class with Jess.

Logan could tell Rory was not just listening, but she was also paying attention to how he was handling it, so he kept on his best poker face most of the time. It was kind of sweet, but he desperately wanted to prove that he could do this.

Next, each couple was handed a RealCare Baby and the two of them got one dressed in baby blue. Logan had to admit, the idea of having a boy was kind of growin on him, despite the gender still being a mystery.

While Logan could change a diaper, he could also hold a baby and if needed change a baby's clothes thanks to his experience with his sister's kids, he hadn't really ever held a baby this small. He hated to admit it, but he hadn't been able to fly over to see Honor's kids as soon as they'd been born, especially with her youngest that had required some extra care. Neither had his father, but thinking back, he wished he had.

"Are they really this small?" Logan exclaimed in a low mumble, rhetorically.

"He's actually pretty big," Rory replied. "Em was like 18 inches, 6.6 lbs, something like that," she added, hoping in a way for this baby in her belly now not to be too much bigger. "Hey, you've got to support his head," Rory instructed, seeing Logan wasn't really handling the doll properly. He had a pretty good grip, but it was clear he'd never really dealt with newborns.

"Alright, dads!" the instructor began, not giving Logan a lot of time to respond, suggesting dads should take the baby for the first part. "So you have to consider that it may well be that your partners may not be able to hold the baby much in the beginning - not to scare you but they could be in pain, on meds and dizzy, or have stitches if they've had a C-section, so it is vital that you get very comfortable with the baby yourselves. I'll demonstrate a couple of holding techniques that'll help do this safely and efficiently," she added, and continued to do exactly that.

Logan did as instructed, positioning his one hand behind the baby's head, and the other under his but. It was a lot easier as this was just a doll, there was no chance of waking him or hurting him in case he dropped him. He took the cradle hold next, not quite having realized there was a good way to do this with a newborn with one hand free until now. He found it quite convenient.

"Great job," the instructor praised, and continued to aid a couple of dads with a slightly different grasp than they had.

"You look good like that," Rory commented, adoring the sight. This was getting real, wasn't it?

Rory was also beginning to realize that her detour with Jess and Em had left her in a way luckier too. She'd been able to give two important men in her life the possibility to experience this. She'd given Jess Em and even if her reasons for jumping into a relationship with him had not been the best at the time - nothing was going to erase the fact that they'd had a child together - they had the experience and the memories. She felt lucky to be here with Logan this time as well, knowing the feeling was no longer one of regrets or replacement, not that she hadn't loved Jess - she would always love Jess in her own way, but feeling she was finally able to give Logan what he deserved, what he always had deserved.

Logan smiled humbly, and continued onwards to the next position, where he was told to place the baby onto his chest.

"This is great for burping, but also when the baby is a little fussy - they can hear your heartbeat and while it isn't the mom's that usually comes with a smell of breast milk - who can say 'no' to that," the instructor said, speaking laughingly. "...It will still calm them and offer them a sense of security. Or if you want, you can also place them onto your shoulder like this," she continued, and raised the doll onto her shoulder and turned their head a little.

Logan repeated all the moves, doing pretty well for a first timer. But then again - Logan had always been a quick learner.

"And now..," the instructor continued and suddenly changed things around so that the baby's head was facing downwards near her elbow, her wrist under their stomach and hand around their hips.

Logan looked at the instructor in a similarly puzzled look as did many of the other dads-to-be. But thankfully the instructor had anticipated this and was repeating the moves much more slowly this time.

"And this is safe?" Logan reflected, speaking mostly to Rory, as he attempted this.

"They don't really fuss around a lot when they're just a few months old. It won't work later on, but Em used to love this," Rory described, skipping the part about how Jess sometimes spent hours like that when Em had been gassy.

Logan moved the baby around, attempting the position again, but he was pretty sure he was going to worry a lot one when it'd be an actual baby.

The two walked home that evening, both still talking about the experience the class had been. Ever since Logan had begun walking Loki, taking longer routes each evening seeing how the dog had a lot more stamina these days, he was also a lot more eager to walk himself - something from his London days that he kind of missed. As the Hospital where the Maternity center was located, was less than a mile away and Rory knew she needed to take care of herself as well more, so while she still could walk without every part of her body aching as a result, knowing what was coming, she had humored him.

Rory had tried to comment on things a lot less than she'd wanted to the entire evening - not wanting to appear all-knowing or reminding him how everything compared to the way things had been before. But now that they were walking, having the first part of the journey talk about what Rory was craving for food once they got back, Logan felt there were some things he did want to understand better that he didn't really know about.

"So, I know I've heard some facts about it… and I don't want to bring back bad memories. But I guess, I am just wondering how bad was it last time? The birth, the complications," Logan asked. He knew the medical explanation of what had happened, having heard that from their first joint doctor's appointment, but what he meant now was rather the emotional and physical side of actually handling the birth and those first few days.

"Well…," Rory sighed, taking a deep breath, thinking.

"You don't have to if it's that hard...," Logan said, beginning to regret the question.

"I just think that it was hard both emotionally and physically, and the physical part - honestly… I don't remember too much about it. I know what they told me - how there was loss of blood, how scared everyone was for me. But that was just added guilt which I didn't need at that point," Rory began.

"Rory..," Logan wanted to sooth her, not liking to hear she'd actually blamed herself for her health condition which she'd had no control over.

"I know, I know..," Rory replied, guessing what he was thinking. "That was then, I know better now," she added, the therapy having helped a little since then.

"Good," Logan replied.

"Well…my water broke at Starbucks, sometime mid-morning after we'd been out for a walk," Rory began to retell the story she hadn't really told too many times.

"The one on LaSalle?" Logan guessed.

"That's the one," Rory nodded.

"That's why you don't go there, isn't it?" Logan asked, raising the corner of his mouth.

"Kind of… not the nicest experience to see some 18-year-old kid mop my amniotic fluid off the floor," Rory added, laughingly. She'd ended up waiting out front for Jess to bring the car around for quite a few minutes after that as well, feeling too self-conscious to take a cab.

Logan chuckled.

"So Jess drove me to St. Francis. I got there maybe a half an hour later? Labor was around 7 hours or so… first it was fine when I could move around a bit. Sure, it hurt, but nothing I couldn't handle, which was kind of surprising since my mom had always made it sound so much worse," Rory continued, lightly.

"But eventually something just snapped - that part was like I was in a haze or something," Rory added.

Logan put his arm around her shoulders supportively.

" I guess what everyone has not told you, they haven't really told me either. But I do have glimpses of it in my memory. I was a real mess - a crying, sobbing, rambling mess," Rory admitted. "I don't know how much it was the fact that I was having Jess' baby, and the related guilt, loss - I hadn't dealt at all at that point," Rory spoke quickly. "Or maybe that was just my physical reaction to everything that was going on. It was like the physical pain released the emotions or something… so I really don't know what to tell you. I guess you should be ready for anything," Rory described, cautioning him a little.

"Whatever it is, I'll be right there," Logan assured.

Rory laughed.

"I appreciate the thought. I mean - I can tell you now that I want you there, and I do. But I just said that that time too, but when I was having my Cuckoo's Nest moment - I kicked Jess out," Rory confessed.

"He wasn't there with you!?" Logan asked in disbelief.

"Nope," Rory replied. "And I know I sucked. And I know it hurt him…it had always been the plan. I didn't let him be there for when she was born," Rory admitted, regret in her voice.

Logan was actually kind of surprised, having always believed Jess had gone to go through every step of this with her, but now as it was revealed he hadn't. He wasn't sure whether to be hopeful or fearful though.

"I hope I won't do it again, I hope it won't be that bad," Rory said, hopefully.

"It's your body - if that's what you want… I'll just do the cigar in the waiting room thing," Logan said, trying to make it sound light with his chuckle.

"Consciously I want you there," Rory promised. "Unless... you think you'll never look at me the same?" she hesitated a moment later.

Logan made a 'come on' face, and came to a halt, looking over her form. Could she seriously doubt him like this?

Logan stroked her back supportively.

"I definitely won't look at you the same way - I already don't. You're carrying my child, you're going to have my child. There's nothing more gorgeous than this," Logan assured, and kissed her temple for assurance.