Chapter 2: Beginning of the End of the Beginning
A/N: I would like to thank those who have reviewed…oh forget it, I've only gotten one review so far and I am ecstatic about it. It may have just said I spelled Neji's name wrong (sorry about that, always thought that was the right way), but I will always cherish it for being my first review. I have little else to say about this chapter except not to take anything too seriously, I'm not trying to offend/bash anyone, just to make people laugh. If I do offend you, well then flame me and give me something to keep me warm on long winter nights. The sad part is it's not winter anymore (I hate summer, I'm an ice gnome). Thanks to all 50 or so people who have read my story so far, even though you left no reviews, you made a warm spot in my heart for reading. Whoops, that was internal bleeding… Enjoy the story!
Special thanks to Torakage, my first reviewer. Thank you for telling me what you think of my story. Even if it was just a typo, lol.
Thanks also to stellena10102, I'm glad to know I'm just strange enough to be on your alert list.
Disclaimer: Naruto and all non-original named characters I portray in this story belong to Masashi Kishimoto. Now if someone tries to sue me I get to sue them for hurting my feelings :P.
The silence seemed to last hours but it was really only seconds before…I'm lying, it WAS hours. Hinata was stunned out of her momentary OOC and was once again so timid she hardly dared to breathe, Naruto was clinging desperately to the notion that if he didn't move Neji wouldn't see him and therefore NOT kick his ass all the way to Sunagakure, and Neji was simply convinced that what he was seeing was a figment of his imagination, or that he had somehow gotten high off of migraine meds. After all, He figured, Hinata could never even get a date, how in the hell could she and someone else suddenly be making out in my closet. He smiled at this thought, reassured that his sweet and adorable cousin was probably safely playing "dress up" in her room, and softly closed the door. Leaving the two inside extremely confused and very faint since consumption of oxygen had been low on the "Super-Duper List of Things That Keep You Alive" compared to avoiding complete and utter destruction by your over-protective cousin/over-protective-girlfriend's-cousin on the "List of Super-Duper Bad Things That Cause Your Death".
Neji was still smiling serenely, walking back to his room, and feeling well-disposed towards the world in general when he was hit by a thought that shattered his entire sense of being. That person I imagined Hinata with… that was Naruto…but that can't be! Everyone knows that Naruto and Sasuke are gay lovers! Oh by the Downfall of the Main House, I didn't imagine that! He rushed into the bathroom and did a quick urine drug test. And I'm not high! This means………
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Neji's migraine dissolved as he rushed at speed that should have propelled him around the world several times yet really he took quite a while rushing down the hall and yelling at that incredible speed. Just to build up some dramatic tension ya'know.
He was angry, he was furious, he was every possible synonym of pissed-off you can think of. And he was ready to open up a can of Premium Blend Grade-A Pure Hyuuga Whoopass on that evil bastard who was doing things with his sweet and adorable cousin. Naruto would surely come out of this looking not-quite-so-sweet-and-adorable as he had started.
This time he didn't bother opening the door, he merely disintegrated it with all the pissed-off charka that was building inside him. This was a most cruel turn of fate as Naruto and Hinata had started again and were farther along then before, therefore enraging Neji to new levels of power previously thought to be attainable only by gods. And that poor door was just starting to enjoy its pitiful existence to…
"Prepare to die a thousand deaths you evil gay bastard!"
Naruto lifted his head up from its previous position between Hinata's you-can-guess-what's. Why does everyone always think me and Sasuke are gay! Maybe there are some kind of stories on a thing called a "website" in an alternate dimension that's making people think that! No, that would be stupid…if I even existed in an alternate reality I would probably be on some stupid censored American TV show where a puritanical version of my life is told and I'm voiced by some pre-pubescent little punk who sounds like he's choking on a cactus. Yeah, totally lame…
Despite all the activity in his head, he only managed 1.98 sentences before his earlier fear came true. You know, the one involving his ass and it being kicked all the way to Sunagakure.
"Nani, dattebayo? But Neji, I'm not ga-"
"Jyuuken Move, Hakke Rokujuuyooshou!"
Naruto immediately shut up, helped somewhat by the first of sixty-four rapid hits that were going to make the next few seconds of his life a valid entry for the Konoha Book of World Records "Most Condensed Pain" section.
"Two strikes!" Naruto jerked a bit.
"Four strikes!" Hinata covered her eyes.
"Eight strikes!" Neji was getting bored.
"Sixteen strikes!" Somewhere in the world, a three-legged clown danced.
Screw it. "SIXTY FOUR STRIKES!"
Again, silence prevailed. When Hinata uncovered her tearing eyes to see what had become of her love the only sign of him was a rather large and remarkably Naruto-shaped hole in the ceiling.
She cowered in a corner and looked at her cousin with an expression of deep fear. "N-n-Neji-nii-san, wh-wh-what h-happened to Naruto-kun?"
Neji gazed down at her with an uncharacteristically annoying and happy smile. "No need to worry about that hentai dobe, I kicked his ass all the way to Sunagakure, so you'll never see him again. Fantastic, isn't it?"
Hinata wailed with all the sorrow and pain of a midget elephant (kind of), "Bu-but why N-Neji-nii-san?"
Neji rubbed his chin in thought, "Well partly because he was molesting my sweetest and most adorable cousin, partly because I've never really liked him, and partly as a means of psychological warfare against those Suna losers. Although considering how messed up they are they might actually like him, which means I really just helped the enemy, which means I'm a traitor…" At this point he clutched his head in pain and fell to the floor. "Oh damn it all… I'll take a nap first and I'll hang myself for being a traitor later. And with that last comment he tucked his hair between his legs, turned around three times, and went to sleep with a cuteness that would make every Neji fangirl rape him on the spot.
"Naruto-kun…" Hinata whispered as she stared at the hole he had made (to be precise she was looking at a large part of the hole located between the spread-eagled legs). "Why does the world have to be so cruel to me and my precious Naruto-kun!" she now yelled.
"Because you touch yourself at night." Said a mysterious middle-aged man with a fat cigar and a shabby-looking 30's style trench coat with equally shabby hat.
"NANI?" Hinata screamed in shock of the sudden appearance of the man, the fact that he was speaking English (although what he said in English was irrelevant since she obviously didn't speak any English), and the small point that she was still in her underwear. A/N: C'mon guys, you think I would seriously have someone say something like that to Hinata and have her understand it? The world's sweetest and most adorable cousin?
The man looked at her in almost as much surprise as she had shown him. "Oh, sorry kid… wrong birthday party." He bent over and started talking to his watch. "Charlie... oh, Jim? Yeah, we messed up again, pick me up at the corner of…" He looked around briefly, "32nd and 23rd Street. Ok, chit chat and all that, cheerio." After straightening he stuck his thumb in the air and was absorbed into a giant tophat floating overhead, possibly to be seen again.
And so Hinata, after getting together with the love of her life, seeing the love of her life propelled by her cousin through a roof into a foreign country, and a strange man speaking a language slightly resembling the sounds made by a drunken man learning to speak horse, did the one and only thing you can do in a situation like that. She turned around three times, curled up on top of Neji, and dreamt sweet dreams about her and her Naruto-kun (of course they were in a pool of strawberry ice cream with sprinkles on top).
Far away in Sunagakure, Naruto was laying stripped in the middle of a playground where schoolchildren were poking him with sticks. Very sharp and pointy sticks with metal points, spears actually. This all fit in very well with the strange erotic fantasy Naruto was currently having.
"Yeah," He murmured, "dig in a little deeper Kyuubi baby, gimmee some claw action. Ah yes, that's the spot, now where did those midgets get to…"
Now Naruto had been laying face-down the entire time, and one of the schoolchildren decided it would be funny to poke him extra hard in the rear.
"AAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEE! Quit it Sasuke, I'm not gay I tell you! I'm nnnnnooooooooooooooooottttt!"
As soon as Naruto flipped over all of the schoolchildren dropped the spears they'd acquired and ran screaming as if they were goats and Señor Chupacabra himself was after them.
Naruto watched them run away in confusion. Was it something I said? Ah kuso, I feel like I've died a thousand deaths…
In any case, Naruto being the Naruto he is decided he didn't care and that he should go look for somewhere to eat. Conveniently enough, he found the Sunagakure branch of Ichiraku's Ramen almost immediately. Not very hard considering it was only about three meters away from him.
He eyed the target, ready to pounce. Tensing, He squatted for a moment then jumped with roughly 5/8ths of his might at the counter. "Ramen! Ramen Ramen Ramen Ramen Ramen Ramen!" He swept his arms back, lowered his head, tucked in his legs, and prepared to dive bomb the seat he wanted.
Now normally any food stand owner would be frightened/thoroughly freaked-out by this display of unhealthy obsession. This however was a special case in which the owner was not frightened, but completely and utterly terrified of the mostly-naked monstrosity descending on his shop. He did the only smart yet idiotic thing to do in a situation like this, grab the cash box and run. This may seem like a brilliant and perfectly sane plan to some of you (which is what frightens me), you keep all your money and you also get to run screaming from a dive-bombing monstrosity which is actually a beloved anime character. Works out great, huh? Well there is one reason why this is NOT a brilliant and sane thing to do. That reason is: THE CASHBOX IS DAMN HEAVY! And so because the shopkeep decided ever so brilliantly to run away with the cashbox, he collapsed of a compact hernia and died after running approximately 10.003 meters away. On with the story.
Hmmmmmm…… I wonder why everyone's so scared of me today… Thought Naruto.
"Maybe I smell or something? Yeah, that must be it dattebayo!"
He hopped the counter and stepped into the tiny bathroom the stand provided.
"Ok, lets get sexy old me looking sexier than ever for my glorious return to Konohagakure!"
"Now first we'll sexy up my hair…" At that moment Naruto looked in the mirror. His self-confidence would never be the same again…
"NAN DE!"
A/N: More or less meaning "what the!"
A/N: Zoom zoom zoom! I've decided to make shorter chapters (around the length of this one) for the purpose of faster uploads. And I'll try not to hoard chapters either, I'll just keep 'em long enough to make sure they're reasonably error free so that your heads don't explode. So I hope you enjoyed another short installment of my strange and misshapen ideas, please R&R as it helps ease the pain of summer, and just have a good time in general. Wort wort wort… (From "There's Something about Halo", a short and hilarious flash video on newgrounds).
After Thought: Most of my uploads will probably be late at night, so I hope we've got some insomniacs in the house ;).
