Chapter 189

June 1st, 2022

Rory accelerated out of the parking spot as if someone was at her tail. She'd taken in Logan's words for a second - but some things were too rough to think about too deeply and fleeing the scene had felt like the only thing she could do in that moment. Most of all she was in shock and unable to do much of anything. She kept repeating to herself that she did have a half-valid reason - there seemed to be more urgent matters - she was running late after all. But she was also in denial, pushing those words to the back of her mind as much as she could. Surely this was just a spat, pushing her job to the front of it all while she had one. For the moment she was able to justify her behavior with a generic - he doesn't understand.

Rory focused on the fact that she was going to be late, so she pushed a little over the speeding limit as she drove, at the same time trying to remain as cautious as she could. The green wave allowed her to drive smoothly too, and unusually so most of the other drivers on the roads were behaving rather decently too. But the fear of being late kept her pulse racing through it all.

Rory was almost never late. The handful of times it had happened it had mostly not been her fault, at least not directly. Someone turning off her alarm clock or not setting it at all, or another meeting or person having stalled her, a plane being late, Em spilling milk all over the kitchen floor - things like that. Punctuality was something she believed to be her anchor, a trademark even. Something she could control.

And that really was what all of it came down to - in her current position she felt she had no control.

The pregnancy would go exactly as it went - it felt like it was out of her hands beyond taking her meds and showing up for her appointments. What the journalist asked her, them, in the interview and how others interpreted what was written - it felt like it was out of her hands. Without having a career to hang onto - something that would give her a deadline when she'd need to be back to work, be back in shape physically and mentally - she was feeling like she was losing control too.

Sure, she knew she had the book - the idea of a book - but she didn't really trust herself with just the idea. Even a draft didn't seem real - a draft could be deleted with a push of a button. She feared the same thing that had happened with the last book she'd begun writing before Em was born would happen now again if she didn't have a reference point.

Her wedding plans were spinning out of control - the intimate family event was potentially turning into this big circus - escaping Totsy's cloud of horrible perfume, Logan's uncle Graham, who was a little handsy and who was probably going to steal him away several times to talk business during the event. There'd be a lot of people who'd bared witness to Logan's wedding and marriage to Odette too.

So at that moment she really did feel like something as simple as not being late to her job, was one of the few things she had left. Along that though she swallowed the feeling like she might cry, hoping her already reddened eyes would not be too evident to her students.

What Rory hadn't expected though was the fact that she actually made it to Chilton's parking lot with 2 minutes to spare. She had been so sure she was already late, but the traffic had been truly easy on her. Sure, she was cutting it tight, but this definitely already diminished her agenda, her reasoning and her earlier annoyment towards Logan.

As Rory entered the building, rushed through the halls and climbed the stairs to her classroom for her consultation session, no more than a minute or two late, she realized she hadn't really been missed at all. The let down - drop in adrenaline levels - was shocking. Her students were still just hanging around, chatting about their summer plans - already being in a summer mood to get out of there.

"Hello, my apologies," she said,humbly, and put away her things to get started.

There was, however, no reaction to her slight delay. Hardly anyone had even noticed. That was a reality check for her, making her realize how ridiculous everything she'd expressed sounded in this adjusted context. She felt she needed to apologize - but a text or even a call didn't seem sufficient in this situation.

As the day went on - guilt kept forming in her gut and frankly, she couldn't tell if it was guilt or heartburn that she was feeling by the end of the day. She knew she'd hurt Logan, she'd lashed out on him because of her own issues. Logan hadn't deserved that.

Sure, she worried how her daughters would see her - that would take a while to get over, but she didn't really see it was something hopeless now that some time had passed since her initial reaction. She worried what others might say too - and she knew she worried too much. That too was something she needed to learn to do less. But as some of her insecurities were deep rooted - Shira's words 'A girl like Rory has no idea what it takes to be in this family. She wasn't raised that way. She wasn't bred for it,' weren't just forgotten. And as much as she wanted to believe things to be different, or simply repeat to herself that she was no longer that young girl who'd been spoken to like that and that Shira didn't know her at all, but she did feel it - she didn't have a lot of idea what it took to be a Huntzberger. She just guessed it based on what she'd heard. She hadn't been raised that way, she hadn't been bred for it. And right now - about to give up on her career, pregnant and hormonal, with a multitude of disorders, even if nothing sever enough to put her away, that she needed to work on - she couldn't feel the power within herself to fight to prove Shira, or anyone, wrong.

Rory needed to talk to someone - but this topic was a conflicting one, and she truly feared talking to her mom about this, thinking she might somehow make her doubt herself even more. Lane didn't really get it - she'd once tried to tell her about it, but her aspirations had never been anything as big as hers. Paris would likely just tell her to do whatever she wanted. Their therapist appointment was due this week anyways and she knew it'd come up anyways, but before she talked to Logan she needed some insight.

So after her consultations for the day, but a good few hours before being done for the day, she called the only other person she could think of.

"Now what do I owe this pleasure, darling?" Finn's voice answered after several rings. He sounded really far away, the wind blasting around him.

"Hey, Finn," Rory replied, honestly just needing a hug right now. He had a comforting personality, and even if his words didn't always help, hearing him and having him listen did. During the years in which she and Logan had been apart, Finn had been her anchor almost as much as her mom or Paris had been, his little visits always lighting up her day. He'd been the person she'd talked about her failing relationship with Jess too at the time.

"Listen, darling. I'm not in the best position to talk right now. I'm between the Cook Islands and French Polynesia right now and the current is really against me right now," Finn explained into his satellite phone.

"As In South Pacific?" Rory asked, in confusion. But indeed, if she heard right those were waves swooshing in the background.

"Yup," Finn said, standing at the helm on his yacht in the middle of the ocean. He wasn't doing this alone, having a team to help him sail this thing, but he was always the hands-on kind of guy, especially when it came to his precious boat. But he didn't really offer a lot of explanation as to why he was there. But Rory knew better to doubt his reasons, surely he had them, and this was a guy with his holiday plans made a couple of years in advance and always made time for spontaneous activities.

"Well I don't want to bother you," Rory said, feeling suddenly like a burden and perhaps that showed in her tone.

"You alright, love?" he asked, sensing some hesitance.

"Um… Uh-uh. I'll talk to you later, I'll just call my mom, I guess," she added, not really wanting to admit how horrible she felt. Her intention was not to make him feel bad either. It was not like he owed her anything.

"Alright, I'm sorry I couldn't help right this minute," Finn replied, and called out to one of his crewmen to do something Rory couldn't quite hear.

As the call ended Rory still didn't feel like calling her mom. Knowing Paris was better at the harsher pep-talk, she dialed her, hoping perhaps Paris could simply smack some sense into her.

"Hey, Gilmore? What's up?" Paris answered, thankfully being between clients, so she didn't sound completely pissed from the start.

"Hi, do you have a moment?" Rory asked, hesitantly.

"Shoot! Paris replied with her usual urgency.

"I found out I'm having another girl," Rory shared, unsure where to begin.

"Right. Congrats," Paris replied, already sensing there being more to it. While she and Rory talked, they weren't exactly meticulous on keeping tabs of every little thing.

"And then… I guess I had a breakdown. I said some mean things to Logan," Rory explained, continuing to go into enough detail to paint Paris a picture.

"And I bet the pictures surfacing didn't really help either, did it?" Paris guessed.

"Nope, they really did not," Rory replied, and went on to tell her how their wedding, if Logan was ever going to forgive her, was looking like a mass event compared to what she'd originally planned.

"I guess now it really will be a lot more like his first wedding, uh?" Paris shot back, without little consideration towards Rory's feelings. But this was the Paris Rory knew well.

"That too," Rory sighed. "And it really doesn't help that we're going to have an interview tomorrow with People magazine. He had one with Odette too...And god, how I don't want them to ask about work," Rory exhaled. It didn't help that Odette had a PhD and a successful career throughout their marriage, even if she hadn't continued working full time when married.

"You know they probably won't care and just assume you won't be working, right? Especially in your condition," Paris offered her some perspective.

"It just makes me sick…," Rory groaned and tried to explain what she was feeling, not really knowing how else to describe it.

"Well… I'd say that's just something you need to take up with your mom. She's the one who's put all that in your head - how you have to be this independent working woman and how being anything less is a disgrace to the Lorelai name," Paris explained her viewpoint. "Though, don't you think it's a little funny, how the exact opposite would've applied in most society families. I bet Logan's mom or your grandmother, hell - my mom too - could probably think of fewer worse outcomes than a daughter that wants to make their own money," Paris pondered. She'd swam against the current too but successfully so.

"Hey, what's going on with you and Finn? I just called him," Rory admitted. "And he's in the South Pacific?" she asked in a puzzled tone.

"Who knows," Paris shrugged. "He went to see his family for his mom's birthday a few weeks ago and when I asked when he's coming back he couldn't give me a date," she explained, trying to not care. "I guess I'll be lucky if he shows up when I go into labor," she added, sounding disappointed. "He's fun, but he's so immature sometimes," Paris complained. She'd been keeping her heart abay to stop herself from falling head over heels for the guy, knowing she needed to keep a straight head, but it still hurt a little.

"I'm sure he'll be there. He's just... Finn…," Rory assured with a sigh. At the very least talking to Paris was a great distraction. It lightened how she felt - making all of it just seem like something inconvenient, something to complain to her friend about - like a horrible teacher or a killer test, not something that couldn't be overcome, which gave her hope. But she knew that before she allowed her self to overcome it - she needed to beg for forgiveness, hoping her day-long silence hadn't already done more harm than could be rectified.

After she'd eaten her bag of honey glazed peantus, the baby demanding nutrition more than four times a day, she knew she had to make the dreaded call.

"Hello my favorite daughter!" Lorelai greeted her as Rory dialed her without further thinking, from the front desk at the Dragonfly. Rory wasn't sure if she could talk about the bigger issues, as Paris and also Logan had suggested with her just yet. But she did need to call her so she's have a chance to smooth things out with Logan.

"Hey," Rory exhaled.

"How did your appointment go?" Lorelai asked, recalling that Rory had her 20 week appointment that morning.

"Um… okay. Back on the blood pressure meds again but otherwise things look okay. Oh, and we found out we're having a girl," Rory explained, trying to keep it positive for now.

"Yay!" Lorelai cheered. "We needed another girl," she added.

"Why do we need a girl?" Rory reflected in her mother's own once spoken words just like her.

"You know… because girls have more fun? Made of sugar and spice and everything nice? Because of Elle Woods, Jessica Jones, Katniss Everdeen, Harley Quinn, Marilyn… I could go on forever, you know," Lorelai listed jokingly, liking the challenge of thinking up all the reasons why girls were better.

"Listen, I could actually use your help," Rory said, recalling why she was really calling. "I need you to pick up Em today. Take her to dinner and the movies or something…," she began.

"Um, sure," Lorelai replied, not asking why but Rory knew even without it that she was dying to know.

"I just need to talk to Logan. We had a fight," Rory confessed.

"Uh-oh," Lorelai replied, and for once she sounded genuinely concerned.

Rory explained in short, how the media was getting interested in them and how she felt she was losing control over a lot of things, but didn't really go into the topic of her career. She didn't do the best job in actually explainining the fight, but she gave her mother something.

The weather was almost unbearably beautiful that afternoon - sunny, 75 degrees and a light breeze. It would've been so much easier to feel this shitty had it been horrible. But despite everything, Logan sat in the backyard on a wooden bench, his back against the wall. From a far one could've thought he was just enjoying the sunshine, or playing with his dog. But Loki was entertaining himself with his treat-dispensing puzzle ball, his few attempts to draw Logan's attention having been futile.

Logan sat there, a velvet ring box in his hand, feeling defeated. He'd tried to get some work done by pushing his thoughts from this morning aside. All the joy he should be feeling about the fact that he'd just seen his daughter, his daughter, on that screen this morning, had been drained from him because of Rory, the mother of his child and the love of his life.

Logan felt like they kept going in circles, and while at times there were these little advances, eventually they'd just stumble into the same pothole. But when the courier who'd missed them last night, had been over to deliver their wedding rings an hour ago, it really had hit him.

Did she really want him, his name and everything else he came with? Did she want him as unconditionally as he wanted her - despite her not believing he did. What if a joint child was all they were ever meant to have? What if he wasn't what she needed? These were some dark thoughts.

He didn't hear Rory's car pull up or the door opening, hence her voice jolted him out of his thoughts.

"Hey," Rory's voice chimed, humbly, hesitating if she was even welcome.

But in that moment as their eyes met, the saddness was evident in both, and Logan stood to face her, tucking his hands into his pockets.

"I'm so sorry," Rory exhaled, wanting desparately to just hug him, but she was unsure if he would. "I'm so-so sorry," she said, a teardrop falling down her cheek. Any explanation seemed void now.

Logan took his hands out of his pockets and it was enough change in his body language for Rory to dare to approach him. "I'm sorry too," he whispered into her neck as they wrapped their arms around each-other, as if holding on for dear life.