Chapter 207
August 26th, 2016
"Hello?" Logan picked up his phone, hopefully, as he'd just gotten home from work. He'd missed Rory calling him. Her calls used to be the highlights of his week - usually calling at least a few times a week, but now for almost a couple of weeks there hadn't been much, except for a few missed calls and a couple of quick texts, often saying how it was nothing, not giving him a lot of good excuses to call back. Even if he had, she hadn't picked up.
From the other end, however, there was no welcome greeting that he'd expected. He'd expected Ace to just start talking - usually just asking him something or other about some magazine or a topic. That was how they were - they didn't need smalltalk, usually just jumping into whatever was bothering them.
Instead Logan heard a jolt, a scare, which frankly made him just worry.
"What?" Logan heard another voice asked, making him even more confused..
"I just called Logan," Logan now heard Rory's worried tone. It sounded like she'd dialed him by mistake, not the first time. But instead of just disconnecting, he stuck around, hoping to talk to her. He wasn't quite over the fact that Rory hadn't come to London as agreed, making some excuse. She generally didn't lie to him.
"What? Why?" the female whom Logan by now presumed to be Lane.
"I don't know," Rory replied, her voice stammering. "It just happened. Like a reflex," Rory continued.
To Logan this didn't sound that awful - he had that same reflex. If he had something that was troubling him, she was the first person he wanted to call to. He had better control over himself, sure - but in his mind he still went there. It had gotten bad enough that after they'd broken up after Rory's graduation he'd told Finn to erase her number from his phone and replace it with a fake number. Finn, naturally had complied, but changed the number to his instead to avoid drunken late night calls he might regret. Well the truth was that he'd regretted deleting that number over the years a lot more than the calls he could've potentially made.
"Oh, my god," Rory exclaimed. "This is what I do. I get upset and I call Logan!" Rory described.
Yup - that Logan could certainly agree with. She did do that, but he was nothing if not happy to help, let her vent. "Well, what I used to do, because now she might answer," Logan heard her say and that did stung.
Logan felt like he just wanted to punch something. He'd known it had been a bigger deal to Rory hearing about Odette moving in than she'd let on, but still it didn't really bring them any closer to an alternative either. Now he really did feel like he was eavesdropping.
The female in the background asked something, but Logan couldn't quite hear her.
"Hello? Rory?" Logan shouted into the phone, trying to get her attention.
"Crap! I did it again," he heard Rory fret.
This time Rory disconnected the call, leaving Logan to stare her name on the call ended, disappointedly. Now she wasn't even talking to him!
But her name showed up on his screen again a few seconds later.
"What is going on?" Logan asked loudly as he picked up. Not because he was mad, he was worried and increasingly so.
"Ah! Damn it!" he heard Rory say, as if she'd just hurt herself, followed by a thump.
Some talk continued, but Logan couldn't quite follow, the voices sounding muffled. Logan disconnected the call himself and dialed again, needing to know she was alright.
"Hey, stop calling!" came an unexpected firm answer, shocking him.
"What are you talking about? She's calling me!" Logan replied, suddenly feeling even more attacked.
"Yeah! It's a reflex, and we're going to kick it!" Lane continued. "We've got LIpitor, so you won't hear from her again!" she added, making Logan even more confused. Why was she talking about cholesterol drugs?
"Lane, just put her on the phone," Logan asked, pleadingly, having by now taken off his coat and was undoing his tie, feeling he needed some air.
"No, not gonna happen," Lane argued fiercly.
"Lane, give me the phone," Logan heard Rory's voice. Finally!
"No. I'm protecting you for some reason," Lane replied, and that actually kind of made Logan find her phrasing humorous for a sec. At least Rory had people that protected her. But he didn't quite follow why he was the one she needed protecting from. What was going on? Adrenaline was already pumping in his vanes, the feeling like he was losing something, losing her - becoming more evident by the second. He'd felt this before - it felt like his heart was just about to be thrown down the waste disposal unit. Silence had been better than hearing this.
"It's okay," Rory said, calming him a little.
"Okay," Lane said, unsurely.
"Hey," Rory said into the phone, sounding nervous.
"What is going on?" Logan repeated.
"Nothing. Bad day," Rory confessed, her nervousness still evident.
"Yeah, I heard about the cholesterol problem," Logan tried to stay calm and keep up their usual banter. He was there for her - being there to listen to her without even wanting anything back. Being around her had never been just about the sex. He didn't want to hear her like this, he cared about her - deeply.
"Ha-ha," Rory cuckled, not sounding too genuine.
"Come on, Ace…," Logan pleaded. "You called me a bunch of times today and four times last night. You hung up every time. What is it?" he asked.
"Nothing," she stretched out the word. Clearly it wasn't nothing. "I had a thing with my mom," Rory confessed, and suddenly it was beginning to make sense to Logan. He'd seen this before. Except this time it wasn't just that.
"Talk to me, I'm here," Logan said, feeling just relieved that she was talking and not shutting him out.
Rory sighed. "I was just upset at her. I was needing to vent, and I... I realized I can't call you anymore," she confessed. Those words stung. But left him confused as well - she could always call him.
"Why?" Logan asked. But just as he did, the question answered itself by Odette arriving home and calling for him over the apartment. "I gotta take this outside," he added, pleading internally that Rory hadn't heard it. Of course Odette knew he talked to Ace, but he just couldn't deal with Odette's jollyness right now. She'd ask questions and that'd lead to explaining things to both of them which Rory had never shown any interest towards. He just wanted Rory all to himself at this minute - to talk to her home, the small bachelor apartment feeling very small with two people permanently living in it.
"Because she's there," Rory stated.
"Eh…," Logan sighed, cursing the fact that she'd heard Odette's voice. "Rory...," he began, wanting to explain. He got a pretty good idea how it sounded, and he hated it. But this was such a long explanation and ever time he'd tried... she'd stopped him in his tracks - 'you own me nothing' or 'we agreed, you don't need to explain' - being her standard aversion tactics.
"She's there," Rory said.
Logan sighed again, not quite understanding why it was so difficult for him to just come out and say it - Odette and he - it was all a pretense, an elaborate and convenient arrangement, a partnership - but it wasn't anything that compared to what he felt. But he could just hear it in her tone that she wouldn't have believed him even if he did. The pretense had been too good.
"Yeah," Logan reluctantly agreed.
"That's why!" Rory shot back.
Logan exhaled loudly, hating that this was what they were talking about. Why couldn't she just say it - that she was jealous, that she wanted something more? It was comfort for Rory - this was what he was getting from it. This was her go-to comfort, but she never went out on a limb to actually say she wanted things to change.
"So, I guess we should say goodbye," Rory said, her words leaving Logan for a moment utterly wordless, the tightness in his chest feeling too suffocating. Was this what a panic attack felt like?
He snapped out of it by convining himself that things weren't that serious. That she didn't truly mean it. That the goodbye wasn't a real 'goodbye'. He couldn't deal with this right now.
"If that's what you want," Logan managed to say, hating how it had sounded to himself just after he'd said it. Crap!
"Don't make this my thing," Rory replied.
"Sorry," Logan apologized, just wanting to crumble into a million little pieces.
"So that's it?" Rory said.
God, how did it all sound so easy for her? - Logan couldn't understand it. Sure, he could hear sadness in her tone, but it wasn't enough to believe she was genuinely hurting from the loss of him - loss of the potential of ever being anything more than they were.
"We're breaking up," Rory said, for the first time during these years admitting that they had been something. But in her next sentence she went ahead and undid it. Like unwrapping something and crumpling it up into a ball that she would just throw into the garbage bin. "Except we can't break up… because we're nothing," she said, sniffling a little.
Logan didn't know what to do with himself. He felt like he was just going to explode, being utterly short for words. And before he even got another sentence out… Rory disconnected the call again. 'Because we're nothing' was the sentence echoing in his brain and it would follow him for years.
Logan stayed on the balcony, having for the first time in years, truly crumbled. He hadn't been able to hold back his tears, and he awkwardly fought to pull back on them as much as possible - not knowing what else to do. He could be like this tonight.
It was then Odette walked in.
"Logan, you ready?" Odette asked, only as she saw him, realizing something was wrong. She'd just been to the bedroom to change into a green-lace Gucci dress, ready to make a statement and was fastening an earring onto her left ear. He could just read her next question from her look.
"I'm fine," Logan said, looking up, trying to compose himself. "Just Rory," Logan said, not wanting to talk about his feelings right now - it seemed better to just bottle them up right now or he wouldn't know how he would survive the night. "I'll go get changed, just give me 5," he added, knowing that they had a function to go to tonight and he needed to change his shirt.
July 23rd, 2022
Logan was already at the venue, using one of the Inn's guest rooms as groom quarters. He'd heard part of Finn's drama through the window, which he'd now closed not wanting to get into the matter, after hearing Colin was already on it. This was so classic Finn - drawing all of the attention onto him, but for now he didn't even mind, the fact giving him some space for thought. It was no surprise Finn was jumping off the walls, panicking.
Logan was already dressed, just needing to put on his jacket, loving the light linen suit that he'd gotten for this. He loved how this wedding barely reminded him of his wedding to Odette. He didn't want that association.
But what Logan hadn't expected this time was being this nervous. He'd seen Rory take every precaution to prepare for this thing, but he himself had remained fairly calm until this morning when they'd parted. Their parting had been so casual - like going to work in the morning - a quick peck and a 'see you later' with some hint of ulterior meaning naturally. But no waterworks, no lingering or adoring kisses, no lengthy goodbye. Everything was going so smoothly to Logan this was what raised alarm to him - it felt like it was all going too easily and he kept thinking of things that could still go wrong. Like the odd event that the small fire caused by one of the shop assistants using a broken charger on a clothes steamer as it had turned out.
What if Em got sick?
What if the flowers didn't turn out right - it didn't matter to him, but perhaps it did to Rory?
What if bringing up the prenup, that they'd both signed the day before, had been too much? Perhaps it hurt her even?
What if Colin lost the rings?
What is Lorelai turned against him?
What if Jess showed up, demanding her back?
What if she changed her mind, saying she couldn't do this…?
He tried to calm himself saying to himself that they were solid. There were no signs that they weren't. Therapy was going great, he was better, Rory was better. They were expecting for god's sake.
The internal ramble made him groan. He didn't recall ever being this nervous with Rory, not even when he'd proposed the first time.
So he focused on something more graspable - his vows. He'd composed them a couple of days ago, but he wasn't terribly happy with them. He felt the immense pressure of needing them to be absolutely perfect - nothing like the copy pasted ones they'd used with Odette almost making a joke out of it who could find the lamest ones.
The trouble was that he hadn't exactly written much recently and with his best work, he was used to having Rory to read it over. He genuinely thought of her as his favorite editor. He still thought she'd make an excellent editor - still. But with his vows he didn't have that opportunity. Somehow in his head he kept coming back to those words by Rory that had hurt him the most, wanting his vows to prove how untrue they were to everybody.
You can't be my boyfriend! Because you told me, you can't be my boyfriend!
Even Rory had doubted him and with good reason. He hadn't known what the hell he was doing the first year, it was a miracle they'd survive if he really thought about it. It was a miracle they were still doing this. Though he did think that he'd already included a lecture on the topic of things having been so easy trying to get back together with her once.
Because we're nothing!
He knew that they could never be nothing. But it wasn't so easy to put it into words with more depth like he wanted to, it all sounded too simple.
Logan… I'm sorry… I can't. I love you. You know how much I love you. I love the idea of being married to you… - was another one that he kept coming back to.
It was a ghost from the past that told him how loving him wasn't always enough. He felt that the case had been pretty similar in 2016. It was for that reason he still couldn't quite believe this day was finally happening - as other than having taken his detour, and Rory hers - he was almost exactly in the same. He couldn't think of a good reason why she'd see things differently now. They'd talked about it - but it still felt unreal. He was not as wealthy as he'd been five years ago, there was little less media attention and he had a little less responsibilities concerning the HPG, more tattoos, holding less in and talking more - but essentially it was he was still the same person with the same set of external conditions that had become decisive time and time again.
Logan threw another attempt at his vows, crumpled up, towards the direction of the bin in the corner.
For a moment he tried to think about something else - and for once he found some enjoyment in the fact that his father wasn't going to walk in through that door and pat him on the back for following some form of his dynastic plan. This time Logan knew that the only plan he was following was the plan that should've been in the works all along. Honor had already been over to his room earlier and given him a little pep talk, so he was a bit surprised to hear a knock on the door.
"Yeah?" Logan replied, stood up and turned to see who it was. The time wasn't that far yet to be called down.
"Logan? It's me, just thought I'd come and see how you were doing…," Christopher peeked in from the doorway.
"One last serious talk before the big moment?" Logan teased, raising his eyebrows. Him and Christopher were good, having developed a pretty good banter amongst each-other.
"Not the last, trust me - those will just keep coming over the years. But one more can't hurt, right?" Christopher explained, pretending to be serious.
"Right," Logan agreed, letting out a deep exhale that let it show that he was indeed nervous.
"Nervous?" Christopher asked, finding it kind of cute. He'd never had this big nervousness before the wedding, his wedding having been mostly just spontaneous. And he'd never repeated that with anyone else.
"Yeah," Logan said, feeling it was pointless to lie about it. "I didn't think I would be, but yeah..," he added, swiping his forehead dry with the back of his hand.
"I remember when you proposed… you looked nervous then too," Christopher recalled.
"This is definitely worse," he added, laughing lightly, not loving that he remembered that embarrassing moment. Emabrassing both for its outcome but also for him doing it in such a wrong moment.
"But it's good - that tells me that you're serious, that you're not treating this lightly," Christopher said, trying to sound like a serious father of the bride, patting his shoulder, supportively.
Logan couldn't disagree. He'd never been more serious.
"Listen, I was also sent in to tell you that there's a small delay," Christopher shared, carefully.
"What? What kind of delay? Is Rory okay?" he fretted.
"Two reasons actually. The officiator called that he missed a ferry and is running a little late, so we're behind by an hour or so. But everything else holds and the guests have been informed. They're just beginning to arrive and are indulging in a round of drinks - no complaints so far. And for the second part - I don't want you to worry, we're already taken care of it. Honor went to pick them up…," Christopher explained.
"What happened?" Logan inquired.
"They were just driving over, but Emily's car got a flat and Rory, Em and Gigi got left behind. Honor went to pick them up. Nothing horrible, just a simple flat," Christopher explained, having heard Rory fret on the phone about being late. In that sense the officiator being late hadn't even been seen as a big problem rather a soothing aspect for Rory that the whole thing wasn't postponed on her account.
"You sure? You know how she doesn't like to make a big fuss," Logan added.
"Yes, I'm sure. I spoke to Gigi as well," Christopher tried to calm him. "They'll be here in no time," he added.
"Good," Logan exhaled from relief, and sank down onto a chair.
Seeing from the pile of crumpled up vows in the corner, Chris wondered whether what Logan needed right now was indeed company or more alone time. He didn't doubt Logan's heart was in the right place, but he also didn't want him to overthink it and just relax and enjoy.
"So I finally got to test out my new boat on my way here - had it delivered from Halifax - took ages," Christopher said, wanting to test whether Logan wanted a distraction as badly as he felt he needed it.
"Oh yeah? What did you get?" Logan inquired, genuinely, thankful to have something else to think about.
AN: I would really love some more reviews!
