Chapter 217

August 8th, 2022

Rory was on her knees, her knees positioned wide, sitting down on her heels. Her forehead was resting on the back of her hands, facing down to the yoga mat. All she really had to do was breathe - inhale and exhale.

"Allow yourself to stretch and just rest in this pose," the instructor spoke. She was a new instructor too, one that spoke much more figuratively than the one before. "Doesn't that feel nice?" she added, her tone sounding almost chipper which frankly made Rory ponder whether the woman in question had ever been pregnant at all. There were so few things about one's body that felt nice right about now. Even Rory's wedding ring was beginning to feel tight.

But it was kind of nice actually, Rory had to admit. With feeling more and more heavy each day, coming here was definitely something that made her feel like she wasn't the biggest and stiffest person alive. She was surprisingly flexible all things considered. It also didn't hurt just seeing other pregnant women - some really at the last stretch or expecting twins, looking so big she could swear they'd pop any minute. Others, then again, looked like they were barely over 12 weeks, some of them truly looking like they were lost.

"You can just feel how your breathing is starting to slow down, you are lengthening your inhale and slowing down the exhale. Have a sense of the breath broadening into the lower back, allowing the hips to feel heavy," the instructor continued. "Last couple of breaths," she continued and everyone simply breathed. "And now, stretch out your arms in front of you, bouncing your hips a little, see if you can stretch them out even more… before climbing into the lotus position for relaxation," the instructor added and everyone complied.

Even these little moves left Rory's cheeks flustered and breathing heavy as if she'd done something more strenuous, but this last position was by far her favorite, enough so she could easily fall asleep if she would've let herself. So she knew it was better not to close her eyes. It wasn't until then she noticed Heidi across the room, probably having slipped in a little later. She smiled gently at her when their eyes met.

Five minutes later, they were both fetching their water bottles, Rory leaning herself against the windowsill as she took a sip.

"Haven't seen you around in a while. Everything okay?" Heidi asked, opening up her own bottle.

"Oh yeah. Nothing like that," Rory replied. "I had the wedding and then we went to the Caribbean for a bit," she explained.

"Wow, lucky. I must've forgotten..., I now remember you mentioned that," Heidi replied, laughingly, saying something along the lines that she was forgetting things and had pregnancy brain all the time. "Congratulations!" she said soon enough, offering her a quick hug. Hugging was a little challenging with two bumps though hers was smaller.

"So, did you ever get to that discussion group?" Rory asked, hesitantly.

She honestly hadn't had any intention to ask about it, let alone going to the group. But after Jess had talked to Logan a couple of days ago, the way Logan had approached the topic had been very insistent on that she talk to someone about it even if not him. And Rory knew well that her options that were on the table were her former therapist, Birdie, this group - which was certainly the least serious, or him.

Talking to Logan about everything she remembered from those first days wasn't something she wanted to do. She'd given him the gist, as well as she understood it, but without actually having full memory of it was easy to just say that it was a hormonal imbalance. Logan had already dived head first into reading about these things, and frankly getting more scared in the process. But Rory didn't want to make him scared, she wanted him to at least have that hope that this pregnancy would just end smoothly. She wanted him to focus on the positive, while she herself just tried to get over her fears which on most days she just tried to block away. It was not like she'd never talked about it to anyone before.

"Oh yeah, I've been going every week. Well, almost," Heidi replied.

"Is it all about the physical, like labor stories or…?" Rory inquired, involuntarily squinting her nose a little, already imagining the lecture she'd listened about vaginal tearing once.

"Oh, there's a little of everything actually. One week this one woman spoke about bottle feeding, because she couldn't breastfeed because of some meds she was on. And another week there was some talk about, you know, sex afterwards...," Heidi said, feeling a little embarrassed about mentioning the latter. But she was quirky like that, clearly wanting to talk about it but just toning down her voice a little.

What Rory really also wondered about was how they guaranteed anonymity in those groups. If she wanted to talk - she needed to talk - she'd promised to Logan. But more than getting a psychologist's 'facts and figures' take on what had happened and the prognosis for that happening again, she just wanted to hear what others who had had similar experiences thought about this. Naturally, she'd read many forums on the topic - but hearing them felt somehow more personal. But she most certainly didn't want whatever she said to end up on Page Six.

"You should totally come. I mean you already have something to tell. There are always more there with more questions than answers, it'd be great," Heidi encouraged, innocently.

"Maybe I should try," Rory admitted, realizing that she didn't really have to open up the big wounds at first go if she didn't feel like it. She could just go and observe, ticking the box when it came to her promise to Logan too.

"Hey, how much do you know about car seats?" Heidi continued, as they walked out, the woman using Rory for all sources of knowledge that she could, clearly. But for once Rory didn't mind.


June 13th, 2018

"So, Rory, what brings you here?" Rory's soon-to-be therapist, Catherine, asked her after Rory had given her a quick overview of herself in the beginning of their first session. She'd told her that she was a mother, a recent graduate school graduate, a teacher. She'd also admitted having postponed coming here by many months claiming she didn't have the time for it. And technically that had been the truth. But in the end the lack of time really was just a choice too.

"I guess the bottom line is that I'm not happy. I am anxious, insecure... I have a lot of lingering guilt, I don't feel like I'm up to the tasks I deal with… I get stuck in my head a lot, I have trouble making decisions - so I avoid them when I can. And I am not sure if it matters now but when I was giving birth to my daughter I had this severe hormonal imbalance that caused me to say some pretty hurtful and crazy things," Rory explained.

"What kind of things?" Catherine asked.

"I kicked my partner out of the room, I yelled at him. Later I rambled a little about my exes apparently, talked about how I was better off dead - how my sweet little baby girl was better off without me," Rory confessed, bursting into tears as she. The part about the ex-es hadn't been the scariest part, and Lorelai had never really gone into great detail to tell her which of her exes and in which context she'd spoken off. Lorelai had pretty much just laughed it off to a fluke. Besides, the rest had taken priority anyways, putting her entire family on suicide watch for those couple of days.

"Did they diagnose you with anything?" she asked.

"They considered it, but there was this one doctor on call that night, who said that instead of just labeling me and possibly getting me admitted for months on end because of it, they just observed me more closely before doing it. They said I didn't act on any of it, it was just words - that was why. I'd had surgery anyways and I was in for almost a week and a half, closer to two, under close observation. But that psychosis - it only really lasted a couple of days, as far as I know. My family was all thinking scenarios of possibly there having been some combination of meds that didn't suit me or something. None of them really admitted that it could've been just me. And later… once they said I was fine and they no longer felt like they needed to watch me every second… nobody really spoke of it again," Rory continued, wiping her tears away.

Catherine went on to analyze her for postpartum depression, wanting to make sure this wasn't still it, but Rory didn't quite fit those criteria, nor those of the regular depression. She was borderline, many of her issues being circumstantial - like a not entirely happy romantic partnership, being tired and overworked, just to name a few.

Having someone confidential to talk to did help a little, Rory felt less alone with her problems. But the fears and the guilt didn't really seem to go anywhere. She was just trying to understand them and untangle them enough to feel a little stronger and not get too caught up in them, being now able to separate at least some flawed thinking from the rest. But there was little she'd was able to do about the guilt.


August 8th, 2022

There were about twelve pregnant women in the room filled with bean bag chairs and a couple of couches and exercise balls, each woman having found the position that worked for them. Heidi sat next to her, having spent a good hour after yoga class talking to her about baby gear. It was actually a little surprising how much Rory had enjoyed advising her - anything from car seats to actually knowing from experience what kind of babygear turned out to have a very short lifespan or overall just be a room hoarder. They'd had lunch together before Rory had gone home to freshen up and play with Em a little.

Naturally, Logan had been super supportive about her deciding to go to the discussion group. But she still knew that the topic might also come up with Birdie next week - she was more worried about that.

"Hello everyone," the instructor began. She for one looked like she'd possibly had kids, unlike the yoga teacher that morning, and the two blue-colored boy-shaped pins she wore on her breast pocket hinted at the fact too. "My name is Meg, and I'm a mother of two boys. Born 1992 and 1999, and this little butterfly that I have here, symbolizes my daughter whom I lost at 23 weeks," the instructor explained, demonstrating the small butterfly brooch next to blue pins.

"Hi, Meg," some of the women who'd been there before, chimed. Rory didn't like speaking like in a chorus much, but she repeated to herself that she'd promised to give this a try.

"I would just like to remind you that everything we say in group is anonymous. Names are optionals or use fakes if you want, or talk about a mysterious 'friend' - it's entirely up to you. We touch on intimate subjects and this open sharing space works if there is mutual understanding and trust. So that is why I ask you to pass along your phones into this basket here, so you don't get tempted to browse your feed, nor take photos or record. This is about being present," she spoke, kind of sounding like a middle-school teacher in her instructions.

The phones were passed on and that indeed created a safer feeling for Rory.

"How many of you have already given birth to a child?" Meg asked, sitting down herself.

About half of the hands were raised.

"Good," Meg replied. "How many are doing this for the first time?" she continued.

The rest of the hands raised.

"How many of you are scared of labor?" Meg continued.

Almost every single one of the women raised their hands.

The one that didn't commented, "I've had five so…, the last one took like 20 minutes," along with a shrug, laughingly. Many others chuckled along, but it was indeed good to know such a breed of women existed too. But yet she was there too.

"Now, this one is a tougher one. And you don't have to answer if you don't feel like it, but in my experience even this single step - raising your hand - can help," she continued. "How many of you have ever miscarried or had a stillborn child?" she asked.

Surprisingly, about the same amount of hands were raised, one woman raising two, and Rory hesitantly put her hand up too. She hadn't realized how common it was until she saw the women - this many women.

"Thank you," Meg replied. "I didn't this to single anyone out, quite on the contrary - this was to show to you how you're not alone," she explained. "Now, where did we leave off last time…," she pondered, moving on.

"We were talking about mental health," one of the women pointed out, making Rory for a moment want to sink into the bean bag she was sitting in.

"Alright, now I remember - I think we left off with you, you with the gorgeous purple hair, didn't we?" Meg recalled gesturing kindly to a woman with a belly about halfway the size of Rory's.

"So just to recap to those who weren't here last week. I'm Linda and I've had two kids before, and I've had postpartum depression with both of them," she began. "And I guess the reason why I am here is that now I know with almost certainty, statistics being against me, that I'll probably feel the same with the third. No matter what I do or prepare, I know I will probably not feel great. But what this experience has left me with, I guess, if I were to search for a silver lining... is that now I know to ask for meds straight away. It takes three weeks for them to do their work, so I'll set up my husband and mother to help me out before that and expect to be in functioning capacity within a few months. I've had a lot of people ask me why I want to have another one considering how rough the first year after my first one was… but I now know that even if I miss those first few months probably... I didn't fall in love with my children straight away. I did fall later. And it still feels pretty incredible and that is why I am doing this again. So I've accepted what my brain just plays tricks on me and I guess better late than never," Linda described, leaving many in awe.

"How does your husband handle it?" another woman asked her.

"With the first one it was rough, but now he knows what this is now. And we've adapted our support network so we can be ready for it. And while I wouldn't want to scare anyone by saying this - I don't think it's the worst idea to put whatever support network you have on high alert just in case something like that happens," Linda replied, knowingly.

"And that really does apply to physical conditions too, I've seen some people hire nannies or housekeepers, some divide weeks up with having grandparents over to help... or cousins, siblings or nieces and nephews… whatever works for you," Meg pitched in. "Anyone else have experience with postpartum depression?" Meg asked the crowd.

Three other women raised their hands. "I just had with my second, the first one was fine. And I delayed getting help by about a year... I was having a tough time at work too so I wasn't really sure this was it. But it was a friend who suggested I check it out and it just matched everything I was feeling. Mood swings, I didn't bond with the baby well, I ate too much - well that you can still see," the woman continued, laughing over her own body that was indeed borderline obese. "But it got better once I got help," she added.

"And you know it can influence men too. It's a big shift in their lives too. Some say even as many as 10% have it. They might get angry, lose all interest in their hobbies or work, act all frustrated… and you know how most men are about expressing the underlying causes," Meg added, rolling her eyes playfully to which many women chuckled, despite it being a serious topic.

Rory didn't know what had taken her this long or on the contrary opening up this soon - she wasn't even sure which this was. But she found herself hand her raising, wanting to speak.

"Yes, dear?" Meg gestured towards her.

"What I had with my first...," Rory said, needing to clear her voice. "I had something resembling psychosis, at least that's what I think it was. I never got a formal diagnosis, you see. And as far as I've read it is about 1 in 500 that get something like it. There may have been other causes too, they couldn't really trace it. It started when I was in labor and ended a few days later… so some just speculated it was the meds they gave me. The bleeding nearly killed me before. But the psychosis… or whatever it was.. It was pretty rough, and I guess what still hurts the most is that I don't remember those first days much. Just very brief glimpses of my daughter, but that's about it," Rory explained, even surprising herself with her honesty. Mostly she just remembered Em's eyes and the ways she'd felt like this wet warm lump against her skin. The rest was a blur.

"Psychosis can vary from mild to severe - there have even been irreversible cases even, sometimes it lasts for months. But sometimes less too.. And I know you probably don't see it like that but you were very lucky if it was only weeks or less," Meg pointed out.

"I had some borderline depressive episodes later too, but I never really got treated for it, not until like a year and half later. So I guess what I am saying is - go talk to someone if you don't feel great," Rory said, feeling like a positive suggestion was expected at the end of this.

"And you mentioned you were bleeding too? That must've been scary," Meg said, compassionately. Heidi took Rory's hand, a little too familiarly, but strangely enough Rory quite appreciated that simple hold.

"I delivered vaginaly, but there were some placenta ruptures, so they ended up fixing me endoscopically," Rory shared, summing things up.

"And do you mind sharing what the doctors think the prognosis is now?" Meg inquired.

"I have high blood pressure just like last time, so it could happen again. Both things, I guess," Rory exhaled, speaking it out loud for the first time.

"That must be so scary," Heidi sympathized, as did a few others.

"Definitely," Rory agreed.

"I can't promise it'll help or make it less scary," another woman with blonde short hair, dressed in a blue-patterned mumu dress. "But I have a friend who had a really bad birthing experience. A real birth trauma… Not enough assistance. And she ended up tearing really badly - 3rd degree. They tried forceps and vacuum that time. She cried through the whole thing and days later... She never planned to have another child again but got pregnant by accident. So she was all panicking how she just wanted to get a scheduled C-section this time... But she had this one midwife that told her about this thing called hypnobirthing. And I swear - it totally worked for her. She still sometimes said how it was the best experience. I never heard anyone else talk about how they loved their labor," she explained, laughingly.

"That is indeed a trendy approach. It works for some. It doesn't rule out struggles or complications, however," Meg added a glimpse of reality.

"And you know it's possible to hire a private doctor and midwife at the new private wing they opened here, it's pretty pricey though," Linda added, helpfully.

"Absolutely - especially if one has poor experiences with lack of medical attention like your friend," Meg continued, nodding to the short-haired blond. "We can make all the birth plans and post-partum plans we want, but everything in the end will just depend on our unique physiology, timing, the baby's wellbeing… we can't exclude all options. We can prepare, we can learn to breathe, to calm ourselves and to trust our gut feeling. Our bodies know what to do generally and if it's scary it's just important to have someone you trust close by. And to know you have some support network post birth. All of you here, who've had struggles, are proof that we can also overcome these things," Meg spoke, encouraging everyone to remain optimistic.