Chapter 218
August 12th, 2022
Logan drove his Volvo into the parking garage of the new HPG headquarters, soon to be it - at least, for the first time, escaping the scorching weather outside. It had been a lengthy drive, one that he wasn't terribly used to anymore. And he knew there were many more drives like this to come, and it had seriously made him consider getting a car service in the future, which he was still a little reluctant to do. The commute between Hartford and the City reminded him a bit too much of his father. It hadn't helped, he'd actually passed the spot where his limo had crashed a little less than a year ago.
The building was located at Lenox Hill, a block away from St. Catherine's Park. At this point the office was not going to even house the entire building, Logan having agreed to let a lot of people continue working remotely, much like he himself wanted to. Hence instead of several floors of designated offices he was taking a more versatile approach with a good chunk of the workplaces being shared. Some might have thought of it as disrespectful, not focused enough on the most valuable asset - the people, but in Manhattan where large office spaces were hard to come by, it'd just have to do for now, having already told the building manager that they were in the market for more space if something opened up.
Logan pulled up at his designated parking spot, noting a familiar face nearby.
"You're going to turn into the next Ingvar Kamprad, you know that right?" Sebastian, an old time friend and colleague who'd relocated to New York from London, said laughingly, referring to the famous IKEA founder who'd also driven his modest Volvo for decades despite being able to afford a lot more.
Sebastian had just parked his own car, which looked a lot more modern, a couple of spots away from him. He'd relocated with the entire family, hence Logan hadn't objected at all offering him a company car for the commute, since it had been a little easier to convince his wife to move if they didn't have to give up the suburban lifestyle they'd grown accustomed to. The company's assets, the people, had their own assets, ones that the company couldn't dismiss or ignore.
"I have my 2006 Carrera Cabrio tucked away nicely, don't you worry," Logan replied, knowing the man was perfect for some casual manly banter. Logan had considered it in fact, knowing that he could get some newer car, possibly something bigger too, but he hadn't really felt the need to jump at instinct. Besides, he'd realized how much less stressful it was to have an older car one cared less about when one had kids - well Em just now. A juice box falling down or sand between the seats was no big deal. So he hadn't hurried it, still hoping there wouldn't be that much travel involved with this new position of his and assuring himself that he'd get himself something the minute he felt they needed something different - if they struggled fitting a stroller in the trunk or something similar.
"You got everyone settled alright?" Logan asked Sebastian, as they walked over to the elevator.
"Yeah, Libby is picking out curtain fabrics as we speak," Sebastian chuckled in response which momentarily left Logan a little conflicted.
Logan might have just laughed along, mentioned something along the same lines about his own wife, essentially referring to the woman's place being at home or doing less meaningful tasks that the men didn't really care about. He had done that a number of times with Odette, regretfully so, thinking back. It had been what had been expected. But with Rory, who'd struggled so much with defining herself, with finding her path back to her writing, with the image that she didn't want to be subjected to, he refused to do that.
"Did she find some similar work here yet?" Logan decided to ask instead.
"Not yet, but she'll look once the kids are settled at school," Sebastian replied. The relocation support was substancial so Logan knew it wouldn't really be an issue either way - it was all down to what Libby, whom he'd met several times as well, wanted.
"Good," Logan agreed, wanting to change things around. Having been to therapy with Rory as many times as he had, he understood how fragile Rory was sometimes to this type of seemingly insignificant speaking mannerisms and he'd learned to not let anything he wouldn't have thought twice about slip through his lips by accident. It wasn't being on her toes, it was just being respectful - being a better husband.
"And oh, I almost forgot, congratulations on the marriage," Sebastian said, having not been able to come to the wedding just prior to his move overseas.
"Thanks, man," Logan replied, and the two stepped into the elevator. The entire office was just one floor, the 6th, right now.
"I'd love to meet her, from what I've heard she's quite something. And a lot different from Odette," Sebastian noted, making Logan wonder for a moment who had spoke to him about Rory in such detail, but he was pretty sure it had been Honor. She was always very talkative, but not in a bad way.
"We should have dinner. Any chance you'd be willing to drive to Hartford. Rory's already 7 months, so I don't want her traveling much," Logan suggested.
"Absolutely, whenever is fine," Sebastian replied.
"Great," Logan replied, getting an odd sense of flashback to the life before. Dinner parties, business dinners, galas, the men excusing themselves to the cigar room to talk business in some households even.
"Better get this business set up before she pops then, I doubt we'll see much of your after," Sebastian said, as the elevator opened to their floor. Sebastian had been to the office a lot more already, having been assisting the office manager and a couple of assistants in getting the place set up. Ordering anything from furniture to copy paper, getting deliveries and logistics organized.
But as Logan got there, having so far only seen the place in pictures and trusted Sebastian's opinion a lot, he did feel like this was a fresh start. Even the lightness of the white-painted halls, some offices having glass walls to the hallway. The place was accented with colorful furniture and it even had the recreation room as he'd requested. He wasn't quite attempting to make this into Alphabet or Meta Platforms, but there was a ping pong table, a pool table, comfortable couches and a complimentary snackbar besides the usual coffee options. The one-room company daycare was opening in a couple of weeks too, aiming to help those with temporary babysitter needs, for example when one needed to come in for a meetind that couldn't be handled remotely. It certainly looked a lot more inviting than any of their former offices.
As Sebastian went ahead to do his thing, agreeing to meet at the meeting they'd set a few hours from now, Logan wandered around the halls, making a few notes on what he wanted to change or improve along the way. While Honor was still the CEO this new office move had mostly been on his and his team's shoulders.
He finally reached the end of the hall that had a separate assistant's desk, currently vacant, and two rooms. One for Honor and one for him, as the names by the doors indicated. The fact that it was Logan Huntzberger - Gilmore made him especially proud. This truly felt like a victory, something that should've always been - not him being the Huntzberger heir, but the two of them making this into something better, and with Rory's name on his sign as well it reminded him how he too had a great woman on his side, supporting him.
His own office was sizable, but what he liked about it was that it was the type of office where he wasn't supposed to keep sitting behind some huge desk and talk down to people. Instead, the room was focused around discussions - an area with two couches facing each other and a larger table by the window with a larger TV screen on the wall to handle smaller meetings.
He took a deep breath, getting his mind in the game. But as he glanced out of the window, he realized that it was more difficult to do that than he thought. What stared back at him was the sign for New York Presbyterian Alexandra Cohen Hospital for Women and Newborns, a large poster with a giggling baby, advertising it, stretched widely across its wall, offering him the full view of it. It almost made him chuckle. There was no escaping the thought that baby was in his future too, was there? Especially with yesterday's therapy session freshly in mind.
August 11th, 2022 (the day before)
"So I went and I talked," Rory began to explain how she'd opened up about her fears at the maternity discussion group the other day. It should've felt better than it did - it kind of felt like ticking off a box, having not quite given her the resolution she'd hoped.
"And while it feels better to have admitted it out loud, also hearing that so many women have had less than perfect experiences was good - like sharing the load, the embarrassment. It kind of still left me pretty clueless how to calm myself and make it so I'd be at a better starting point going into this," Rory explained.
"Why embarrassed?" Logan asked, having never heard her express that emotion in this topic before.
"Because...," Rory began, looking down at her hands, fidgeting with her wedding ring. "Like my body can't do what it's supposed to do," Rory confessed.
"This could've happened to anyone," Logan didn't quite follow, feeling even more powerless.
"It's common for women, and on occasion men to feel like that. Like couples who struggle conceiving for example... But I do want Rory, you, to understand that having a medical issue is nothing to be embarrassed about. As you heard youself, others have issues too," Birdie added, going into some more detail on diverting such feelings.
"It's just a very powerless feeling, you know?" Rory discussed.
"It's definitely a feeling of powerlessness. Maybe helplessness even?" Logan replied. To a bystander like him it was even worse. Even when Rory had kicks or even the couple of false contractions that she'd by now - he was helpless, having to trust her words and feelings on how to react. And as much as he'd read, also having read other men's stories and opinions, he knew the most helpless moment was still ahead.
"It is," Birdie agreed too. "But let's try to imagine if this was some other situation where one might be helpless in," she said, encouraging them to think up a few situations.
"War refugees?" Rory suggested, unable to think of anything else at that moment, the former reporter-fantasy in her shining through.
"Bad business deal you've already signed contracts on?" Logan said.
"For example. Or being financially stuck in an abusive relationship. Or the helplessness a newborn baby has, if we want to look at something more positive," Birdie continued.
Logan eyed Birdie skeptically for a moment unsure how these examples would help.
"So in any of these situation we need to identify the source of the feeling. In the baby's case it's about simply not being physically able to do certain things or now knowing how things work - which will be solved by time and practice. In the case of war refugees the war and political decision that seem so much bigger than the people. So that's the cause. They're force to leave their homes and until they get back on their feet elsewhere, they are helpless in where they live or what they eat, if, for example, they are cared for by some foreign government's social service," Birdie continued.
"And in your case - the source of the helplessness regarding the birth of your child is in Rory's case a past trauma - both physical and mental," she added.
"And naturally there is a fear of the only pattern you know to repeat itself. And as we know we can't rule out bad scenarios. That'd be impossible. There are also other ways to focus on things that you can control. Now what might some of those things be in case of, let say war refugees?" Birdie continued to discuss.
"Have some savings, learn new language, study how the new place works, get contacts," Rory listed some things from the top of her head.
"Right, so in your case the equivalents would be…?" she urged them to apply the analogy.
"I guess the savings could mean both financial aspects but also having a support network around. It was also mentioned in the group," Rory began.
Bridie nodded, encouraging them to continue.
"Focusing on things you can control, I guess," Logan pitched in. "We can limit risks by controlling the blood pressure, by living close to the hospital, which we do, we can read and ask for information about all scenarios, have her friend Paris on speed-dial," Logan said, adding, "she's a OB herself though more theoretical than practical."
"Good, what else?" she replied.
"Knowing one's strengths, I guess too..," Rory said. "In the case of refugees it might be that one person is good with languages, the other good in legal things so the two could help each-other," she said. "And in this case I guess that could mean that while I have the experience, Logan can perhaps read about this more neutrally, keep a clear head more easily. I think it's easier for him to get the information and be the objective decision maker," she added.
"I wouldn't quite put everything on his shoulders if I was you. Of course, under difficult situations sure, but you should remember that you're in this together," Birdie reminded them.
"I'll try," Rory said, reaching over to squeeze Logan'd hand.
"You should also remember that not all the thoughts may be accurate. Memories fail us sometimes. Fear makes us focus on the negative and forget the positive. We may misinterpret events even. So knowing this we should try to focus on the positive. In your case - pack your hospital bag, but without only preparing for the worst, prepare for positive things - bring a comfortable robe, cute outfits for the baby, favorite music, scents and plan ahead meals you weren't allowed to eat while pregnant. Logan can focus on the positive by… for example…practicing how to attach the car seat twelve times before the actual big day. Trust me, you'll thank me later. Maybe even speak to the hospital staff yourself, ask if they lack something - order them coffee or donuts - not to bribe them of course but just keep the atmosphere as positive as possible. Maybe it has been a busy day and that donut is the only food the midwife has had in hours. Both of you can take all the classes you have time for, read, but also practice acceptance. Trust her body. Be more aware of the present, enjoy each kick, the quiet, the ability to sleep a full night - both of you," Birdie advised.
"And when you find yourself speaking negatively to yourself - "Why is this happening to me? I have the worst luck! My body doesn't cooperate with me? My body failed me once, why would it do anything differently this time?" she exemplified, hitting the nail on the head in many of her examples. "Switch things around! Say: What can I do to make this better? What can I do to improve the chances? This feels scary right now, but it won't in a few months. I got through this once, I will again!" she suggested.
Later, as they left, both exhausted from the heavy topics, neither had really felt like going over these things in the car, and the two focused on more casual topics like Logan's drive to the city tomorrow, Em's logistics or dinner. Logan genuinely wanted to help Rory, support her - but other than doing these things that were more about oneself other than the two of them - he didn't really know how to do that.
He tried to think of ways his personal choices could work for her benefit, but other than reading everything he could get his hands on didn't quite seem to be 'it'. Too much information, in his experience, often just made one too aware and scared. And rarely proved useful in a very stressful situation, not that he was about to stop learning.
"Hey, I was thinking…," Rory began, about halfway through their drive back to Hartford.
"Yeah?" Logan asked.
"Would it be weird if I went for the private midwife or doctor… or maybe just a doula or something. I've always felt it was kind of a snobby thing to do… like I'd be more special than the next woman. Maybe this way I'd feel more secure?" Rory suggested, having looked into this new wind they'd just renovated at their nearest hospital and their new services that they offered. She hadn't lacked medical attention but having heard many stories where women had, she didn't want to risk it.
Frankly, Logan was a little surprised he hadn't thought of something like that earlier. It had always seemed that Rory was the one who was in most contact with the hospital, so he'd not even thought about looking too much into it.
"Of course, all three if it makes you feel better," Logan added, not being too serious about the 'all three' part.
"I don't know about all three, I am not sure if I want that many people in there," Rory replied, having not caught his joke.
"You still want your mom in the room too?" Logan asked. Truthfully he could've done without Lorelai energy if possible, but he wasn't going to request it.
"Actually… um… no," Rory hesitated. "I want just you and whoever we have helping out medically. And if it's allowed.. I am kind of hoping for a waterbirth. It's unlikely… but.. Maybe?" she explained, recognizing negative thinking and fixing it with at least a somewhat positive angle. She'd also read up about this hypnobirthing a little, and it didn't seem that impossibly to at least watch some videos and try some techniques. No harm in trying.
Logan nodded, agreeing. Whatever she wanted.
"Are you planning on telling her before or…?" Logan asked about Lorelai.
"It's cowardice of me not to, but I kind of don't want to. I know she'll make a big deal of it. And I don't intend to offend her. I just want this to be something between us," Rory admitted.
"So she wouldn't be on the first list of calls?" Logan glanced over to her skeptically.
"Maybe a white lie that it just happened fast or something?" Rory replied, appearing like she was joking.. In the past months especially, she'd been feeling less and less of that mother-daughter link with her. At the very least she wanted that contact on her terms, she wanted even less her mother's opinion on what it would mean to be Lorelai Leigh Huntzberger-Gilmore with all of the upcoming obligations and privileges she was already beginning to have some more concrete idea of.
The reality was that whatever they planned they'd just see - there were a lot of variables but it was certainly notable that Rory didn't primarily want her mother that close by this time.
"We should probably look into some help around the house too, maybe a nanny? Even if not on a daily basis," Logan suggested, biting his tongue. He knew this could backfire.
"Yeah, I guess…," Rory admitted, surprising both herself and Logan. "I mean I am going to have obligations with the book, there's a lot of logistics, possibly babysitting needs also outside of the house - in the city or something," Rory said. She was just becoming more and more realistic towards the balancing act that her life was going to be. She still aimed to take her time to be present with the baby and Em, but that also meant she didn't want to worry about dinner or the laundry. She was slowly melting into the idea that she didn't need to do everything herself. That was what money was for, wasn't it?
August 12th, 2022
With another hour to go before his meeting, Logan had managed to open up his laptop and read through a couple of e-mails, his mind was still wandering, the gigantic baby-poster outside his window being quite distracting. He was going to have to get better blinds for one. But for two - he was doing what he felt gave him some control.
"Paris? Hi. I hope I am not disturbing, I know you've got your hands full. But was wondering if you could help me with something," Logan said, as Paris picked up her phone.
