Decisions: chp. four

Tony's initial reaction was shock- and anger. Michelle didn't understand him at all. Who was she to judge him and yell at him? She didn't see what he had seen. She wouldn't have dealt with nearly as well as he had if it had been her returning home from a jail full of criminals. It wasn't up to her to decide how many chances he had.

After a minute or two of fuming and cursing under his breath at the doorstep where Michelle no longer stood, he strolled into the kitchen for a beer and took refuge on his trusty plush couch. Alcohol brought him much more comfort then Michelle ever had. Good riddance, he told himself, unaware that he didn't really believe what he was thinking.

He downed a swig of Milwaukee's Best Light and leaned back. He tilted the bottle up to his mouth for another, but stopped himself midway. It was nice to think clearly once in a while. A relief. His headache had mostly died down.

But the moment of clarity in Tony's mind soon revealed to him the devastation of what had just happened. He suddenly realized just how much impact her words had on him. He had been so caught up in blaming her for everything, that he hadn't quite registered what 'leaving' actually meant. Surely not…

Slowly he went over everything she had said in his mind. Then he remembered.

She doesn't love me anymore…

She doesn't love me anymore.

She doesn't love me anymore.

No. It can't be true. But then he recalled the hatred in her eyes as she blamed him only a few moments ago. It had to be true.

Well, you've been telling yourself the same thing all along, haven't you? That you don't love her either? You wanted a divorce!

In his heart Tony knew he had been telling himself this for a while now. She didn't understand him, so how could he love her?

He reminded himself that she had tried. Michelle had spent months after he'd returned asking him daily to tell him what he had seen. She had pleaded for him to talk it over. But, in his drunken state, he had decided she didn't deserve to know, therefore he had never told her. It pleased him to see her beg.

After a while she stopped begging, and merely did what he asked. They hardly ever spoke, and that was just fine with him. Every night they still slept on the same bed, and occasionally at night he heard a small sob next to him under the covers. He never thought anything of it.

Tony felt disgusted with himself. How could I have let her go? I love her. I DO love her! But she no longer loved him. So that was that. It was all his fault. There was no fixing this. He fucked up. It was over.

Now he was just going to be a depressed, unemployed, divorced drunk. Unlikely he would get a job back at CTU. Unlikely he would ever want one. The place was too full of memories. Happy, devastating, romantic… Even the good memories would only be painful. They would just remind him of everything he'd lost and couldn't ever get back.

In only a matter of minutes Tony realized how he had destroyed everything- His job, his relationship, his self-esteem… If only he had realized this a few days ago, or maybe even hours. He could have made up with Michelle, apologized. They would have led a happy life together. It was amazing what a couple of minutes of thinking clearly could do.

He had lost what made his life worth living. So what was the point of turning himself around? He had nothing, no one, to turn himself around for.

Well, there was Jack- who had, after all, gotten him out of jail earlier than expected. Didn't he owe Jack something?

They were good friends, but only because of what they had been through at work. They had never gotten together outside of CTU.

There were rumors that Jack was a nature-boy at heart. They could go fishing? Nahh... It was too sentimental for two people who hadn't spoken in well over a year. How weird would it be to call him up, out of the blue? He imagined the spectacle…

Tony: Uhh… Hey Jack, it's me, Tony.

Jack: Oh hey, what's going on? Haven't seen you for a while.

Tony: Yeah, I guess not. Ermm… Look, I was wondering. Do you want to… get together sometime?

Jack: umm… Like, on a date?

-Awkward silence-

Tony: No, no! That's not what I meant! I mean like, going fishing or something.

Jack: Who told you I like fishing?

Tony: No one! No one, honestly! I just thought it would be nice…

Jack: Well, okay, but I'm not sure why I'm doing this.

Tony chuckled in spite of himself. That was certainly not going to happen.

His momentary humor evaporated as quickly as it had come. There really was no one to improve himself for. His family? He hardly saw them at all. He made a mental list of his friends. Most of them were work friends, and the others were guys he went to college with that he hadn't spoken to in years. There was no one!

He then came to the conclusion that the people who work at CTU make many sacrifices, as he had made. It limited contact with his family, and it was hard to make friends outside of work. But the question was- Were these sacrifices worth it?

Tony had thought they were. There was nothing like the exhilarating feeling of having a mission. A purpose. A reason to live.

But now… He had lost it all. And all because of his job! My fucking job! It wasn't worth it anymore. He felt sorry for those people at CTU who didn't realize that yet. He had been one of them. They were so ignorant, believing that they were making a difference in the world, when really they were just a small pawn in the government system.

And Jack! He had saved millions of lives time and time again. What did he get? A pat on the back, and a small yearly paycheck. No bonus, no nothing. The people at CTU had no idea that they had everything to lose and nothing to gain.

He couldn't quite believe that he was thinking what he was thinking, but at the same time he knew it was true. They were going to lose everything and everyone important in their lives. Just like I did.

(A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed- It really keeps me going!)