Chapter 6

Addison eventually returned home after what seemed like a never-ending shift. After her breakdown, she actually performed each of her remaining procedures brilliantly. It was as if she overcompensated for her terrible morning by being a bit of a perfectionist for the rest of the day. She figured this would make her feel a bit better about herself, and it did…but only for a short while.

Once in the trailer, Addison went into the bathroom and found that she could not stop staring at her own reflection. When she looked at herself she saw nothing but weakness, which she absolutely could not tolerate. She had spent her entire life being viewed as an image of strength. She was smart, competitive, confident….a borderline type-A personality. Now, however, she was constantly second guessing herself both in and out of the hospital.

It had been that way ever since she moved to Seattle. She thought that being with the man she loved would make up for leaving the city she adored. However, Derek still hardly took the time to notice her unless she was having some sort of a crisis, as that afternoon had proven. Yes, she had cheated on him. But how long would she have to suffer the consequences? She was tired of being "Satan" …tired of everyone around her denying that there are two sides to every story.

Addison eventually left the bathroom and walked about three feet over to the bedroom. Although she felt unhappiness due to a combination of things, her strongest sense of sadness was coming from her lack of strength. She did not want to be taken care of, or at least she would not let herself think that she did. She sat down on the edge of her bed and was instantly greeted by the 'McDog'.

"Don't look at me like that!" she obviously wasn't very serious as she scolded the dog. "I don't need your pity." However, she soon realized that the dog was not actually pitying her. He just wanted to go out for a walk.

Addison tried laying down for a bit after walking the dog. Yet as tired as she was, once her head hit the pillow she instantly felt incredibly anxious. Her problem with insomnia had become almost entirely psychological. She worried so much about not sleeping, that she could not get to sleep no matter how tired she was. Addison rose up from the bed, grabbing her pillows from behind her and viciously tossing them aside. Her frustration was immeasurable, as she had no idea what to do for herself.

The redhead reached the point where she was no longer willing to try going to sleep. She was much too frustrated, and decided to wait for Derek to come home. Within an hour or so, he stumbled through the door.

"Hey," he sat on the edge of the bed, "sorry I'm so late…heart transplant. Five hours in the OR and the guy didn't even make it."

"Five hours? Ouch. I'm sorry." Addison sighed. "Guess we're just bad luck today."

"Guess so." he turned around to face his wife, "how are you."

"I'm fine. I don't really know what came over me before."

"We should talk about it, don't you think?"

"Derek" she interrupted "Please. I said I'm fine. I don't want to talk, I don't want to even give mention to this afternoon. I appreciate everything you did for me, but I'm okay. I really am. There's nothing to talk about."

"Addison…"

"Don't 'Addison' me." She became aggravated. "Can't we just forget this ever happened?" she pleaded "Please."

"You're going to have to deal with this eventually, you know."

"There's nothing to deal with. I was too emotionally involved with the Boyd surgery, and when it didn't go well I just snapped. That's all."

"Okay." He replied, less than satisfied.

"Let's just forget this ever happened."

Derek knew that he could not force his wife to open up to him. But as much as he didn't like what Addison was saying, he was subconsciously relieved that he could go on pretending that everything was fine. After all, that is exactly how they had been living for the past few months, so why should this situation change anything?

"Forget what happened?" he chimed in.

"Thank you." she genuinely smiled at her husband, grateful that he would not target her weakness. "You look exhausted."She changed the subject immediately.

"Yeah." Derek rubbed his eyes for effect.

Addison leaned over and gently kissed her husband. "Goodnight, Derek." She debated saying 'I love you' but decided against it in fear that he wouldn't say it back.

Chapter 7

Derek kept his promise and continued to go on as if nothing had ever happened. Addison appreciated his efforts, but they did not actually benefit her. She still could not sleep well, and never actually resolved any of her problems. She had this lingering feeling of emptiness that would not disappear, no matter how hard she tried to avoid it. She hardly even knew what caused these feelings anymore, only that they were driving her mad.

In the office, Addison was still performing to the best of her ability. She increased her caffeine intake and managed to make it through each day. It wasn't easy, but she got by. Socially, however, she paid the price. With each passing day Addison had become increasingly bitter. First toward her interns, then her fellow doctors, and now her bedside manner was diminishing. She didn't realize that she was becoming this way…she just felt fatigued and never seemed to be in the mood to deal with other people.

Derek was actually able to avoid the wrath of his wife for the most part. She had started working as late as possible and leaving earlier than usual. One morning, however, she had gotten a bit of a late start and noticed Derek, the dog, and Meredith Grey taking a morning stroll.

"You could have just told me, you know." she intruded.

"Addison." Derek seemed surprised. "Don't be upset…"

"You didn't have to lie when I asked you where you were going every morning."

"We're not…we're just walking. Really. I'm doing it for the dog." Meredith made herself part of the conversation.

Addison completely avoided her. Yes, she had been trying to be friends with Meredith, but she was disappointed that her husband would lie about seeing her on more than one occasion.

"I was going to tell you, you know. Maybe if you had actually been here one morning this entire week…"

"Oh, don't you blame me for this, Derek. Don't you dare. You can't put everything on me all the time. It isn't always my fault."

"What's this about?

She shook her head. "Nothing. I'm going to work now, Derek."

"Hold on." Derek left Meredith with the dog for a few moments to follow his wife.

"Don't just run away from me." he caught up, grabbing his wife's arm to stop her.

"Derek, stop. I don't care what you do or who do it with. I don't care, okay? Just let me go to work."

"Addie…"

"Just let me go."…and he did.

Addison was performing beautifully at work, her practice entirely fueled by anger. However, her follow-ups with patients were becoming increasingly difficult. She had very little patience, and practically refused to listen to any complaints.

"Addison." the redhead had just walked out of a patient's room when she heard Bailey calling for her.

"Walk with me." Addison did not even bother turning around.

"What's going on."

"Excuse me?" She read through a patient's chart.

"I've been getting complaints from your patients, that's what."

"Complaints?"

"Some of them are afraid of their own doctor. You know just as well as I do that that's completely unacceptable."

"You have no right to talk me that way, Miranda."

"And you have no right to treat me as if I'm suddenly inferior."

Addison paused, rubbing her temples. "I'm sorry…I am." she winced.

"Are you okay…?"

"Yeah, I just um…I'm kind of dizzy all of a sudden… " she tried gripping the wall.
"Here, sit down." Bailey tried to sit her down, but she could not even get that far before Addison took a short breath and collapsed onto the ground.