Decisions: chp. five
Eventually Michelle had fallen asleep with Days of Our Lives blaring loudly from the television. Her dreams were disturbed by images of Tony popping up in strange places. She'd be swimming in a deep ocean among the fish, and the head of a sea horse would suddenly transform into the head of Tony, who said things like "I love you Michelle…" "Don't leave me, Michelle…" "We can work this out…"
These dreams were slightly odd, but they continually tightened the ever growing and expanding knot in her stomach.
She awoke with a jolt at 11pm, her cheeks soaked from crying in her sleep. How long had she been out?
Shit, now my sleep schedule is going to be all messed up. It was strange how something so small like that still mattered to her. It shouldn't matter, she reminded herself. The only thing you should be guilty about is Tony, and what you did to him. She reached to wipe away the wet on her face, but stopped herself. You don't deserve to wipe it away, you ungrateful little-
These harsh thoughts provoked a fresh wave of tears. How long could she stand this endless parade of guilt? She knew it was her fault. She was all wrong about everything. She should have given him another chance.
But it wasn't as easy as calling him up and begging forgiveness. Michelle wasn't foolish enough to pretend he would ever take her back. He was probably already with another woman, completely forgotten about her. She was certain that if she called, he wouldn't even recognize her voice.
A week passed in her hotel room on the seventh floor, and her train of thoughts never varied. She scanned the room. It was a mess. She had never been so disorganized in her life. There were lots of "advice for women" type magazines strewn across the bed and on the floor. Half-eaten room service food lay on every surface. She hadn't had much of an appetite. You have really let yourself go, she announced inwardly.
Michelle had endlessly debated whether to call him or not.
He won't take you back! He won't even speak to you!
I'm sure he would if I-
He'll just hang up!
It's worth a try-
It's a waste of time!
I've got nothing to lose; the worst that can happen is he'll hang up.
This argument won over the others, and she eventually decided it was worth a shot. She couldn't imagine being more hurt than she was now. She glanced over at the phone. It was across the room. She would have to get up.
I guess it's about time. She unpeeled herself from the sheets, and looked down at her body. The same pajamas- she had never changed. She was disgusted. It was almost as if she was back in her own self again. She immediately rushed into the shower- Mostly because she felt gross… but also because she wanted to delay the phone call she knew she would never rest until she made.
Michelle let the rushing water seep all around her body. She liked to pretend it was washing away all of her problems and fears. With every drop that spilled on her body, a small knot was untied in the large mass within her gut.
Temporary relief: Just like alcohol, only hygienic and healthy instead of self-damaging and disgusting. She laughed a little at the thought of an addiction to showers. It was the first humor she had experienced in weeks.
Then she realized that that wasn't possible anyway, because the hotel would send her a gigantic check to pay for all of the water she'd used.
Deciding that she could put it off no longer, she turned the knob and stepped out of the warm, moist stall and wrapped a towel around herself, drying inefficiently. Back in her bedroom, she gazed at the telephone innocently resting on the dresser. Do I really want to do this?
She walked slowly towards the phone. With every step the knot became more tied. Her hand trembled as it found the phone and lifted it to her ear. She dialed the number.
One ring. Two rings. Three rings.
"Hello?"
Oh my God…He actually answered. What do I do? What do I say?
She was lost in a whirlwind of thoughts. How could she not have thought about what she was going to say?
"Hi," she said softly.
"Who's this?"
He didn't recognize me. A fresh tear seeped from the corner of an eye.
"I…"
"Michelle! Oh God, I didn't think you'd ever call. Look, it's uhh… not a good time right now. When can I call you back? I'm so glad you called."
It was too late. She vaguely, yet distinctly heard a woman's voice in the background.
"Is that…a woman?"
"Don't hang up Michelle! She's just-"
Silence. She hadn't hung up, but still could not find words to articulate just what was going through her mind.
"Are you there?" he pleaded with her, sounding desperate.
Suddenly her throat unfroze.
"You've broken my heart, Tony." With that, she hung up the phone and collapsed onto the bed, shaking uncontrollably, her face pale as a ghost.
She couldn't believe she had felt so guilty only a minute ago for leaving a man like that.
(A/N: Don't worry, some good things are going to happen soon, I'll try to keep it from getting too depressing. Thanks again for the reviews!)
