In the unlikely event that any of you have skipped the last two chapters (which I don't think any of you did, so I don't know why I'm even bothering with this), well… you didn't miss anything. Apparently, Providence Crow is incapable of doing a chapter that includes both plot and porn. Anyhoozles, on with the not-porny parts!

Ch. 9

Disclaimer: "If idiocy were pants, you'd have a giant pair of pants! And you'd be all: 'Hey, check out my idiocy pants… they're comically large…' "

Ling Yi bowed as low as she could, not making eye contact. "You may rise," said lord Sima Yi. She did so, keeping her eyes glued respectfully to the floor. "Ling Yi," he said, "It is come to my attention that your master, Zhang He, has taken an enemy officer of Wu prisoner. A general named Gan Ning, I believe. Is this information correct?" Ling Yi was wary. This could be going any number of directions, most of them bad. "Yes, my lord. That is true." She heard a rustle as Sima Yi absent-mindedly fanned himself. "If that is the case, then why did General Zhang He not report this triumph to lord Cao Cao? Or to anyone, for that matter? And for what purpose is he keeping the prisoner?"

Ling Yi was afraid that this would be asked of her. Luckily, her cunning mind had already devised a plausible excuse for just such an occasion, though she was uncomfortable with blatantly lying to a noble. Especially one she admired as much as lord Sima Yi. However, no matter how much she respected lord Sima Yi, her master came first, and her loyalty was to him above all others. "My lord," she began, "Firstly, I wish to apologize on behalf of my master for this grievous oversight. I assure you, my lord's failure to notify the proper authorities was by no means intentional. It has been a long campaign, and my lord has been home but seven days. He is very weary, and wished to allow himself some time to rest before presenting himself and his prisoner before our mighty Lord Cao Cao. Secondly, my lord is keeping his prisoner with the intention of retrieving information from him. Gan Ning is a high-ranking general, and carries with him invaluable information about our enemy. However, the prisoner is being rather…stubborn, and it will take time and finesse to get the intelligence from him."

There. She had done it. She had lied to one of the few people she didn't despise, but had secured her master's reputation in the process. She had also managed to buy him at least a few months to figure out what to do with his new pet pirate. Lord Sima Yi sat for a moment, considering, then nodded and said: "Yes, very well. I find this course of action acceptable. I will notify Lord Cao Cao of these events that your master may rest without worrying over breached protocol. You may return to him now, Ling Yi." She kept her face blank, though she felt enormously thankful, and made a mental note to go down to the shrine later and make a generous offering to all her gods and ancestors for gifting her with such silver-tongued genius.

Another disaster had been narrowly avoided, all thanks to her brilliance! She swelled with pride and self-appraisal. As she walked out of the study, the strategist called out to her. She froze. Had he somehow learned of her falsehoods? "Ling Yi, I almost forgot. Tell the general that he is to be commended. A banquet shall be held in his honor a fortnight from now." Ling Yi nodded rapidly, overcome with relief. She was still in the clear. Or rather, lord Zhang He was. This was dangerous though, this lying, and she quickly exited the room to inform her master of what had just taken place.

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Ling Yi felt her eyes go wider than she had previously thought was humanly possible. Lord Zhang He was known for behaving impulsively, irrationally, and even foolishly, but this was downright idiocy. She closed her eyes and counted to ten in the hopes that perhaps she had finally gone mad and was merely hallucinating the horrific scene before her. No such luck; when she opened her eyes it was still there. When she had entered the room, she had expected to find the pirate on the bed, and her lord on the over-stuffed sleeping couch he had been using since their "guest" occupied his mattress. What she found was lord Zhang He was curled up against the snoring pirate's chest while straddling his lower body.

Thankfully, the covers had been pulled up, so she was not exposed to any indecency, but it was obvious that both men were naked. Ling Yi felt her lower left eyelid twitch, and longed for the days when she had been a handmaid in Lady Zhen Ji's service. It had been infinitely easier on her sanity. Lord Zhang He's eyes fluttered open, and he greeted her with a sleepy smile. "Hullo, Ling Yi." He mumbled, voice thick with exhaustion. "Would you be a dear and bring up some tea? And maybe some steamed dumplings and meat buns. That would be lovely."

And with that, he buried his head into the other man's chest with a contented sigh and closed his eyes again. "Pork dumplings," he added, blissfully unaware of the twitching servant's distress. "I don't like the vegetable kind." Ling Yi backed slowly out of the room. She closed the door. She walked down to the kitchen and prepared the meal her lord had requested, then brought it up to him and set it on the night table. She backed out of the room again and stood outside with her back to the door. She stood there for a very long time. Eventually, she gathered up her courage, took a deep breath, and peeked in the room again. The pirate was awake now, and being fed by lord Zhang He. Her master giggled as he carefully held a dumpling up to the other man's mouth--- while still sitting on his lap--- using a pair of blue, butterfly emblazoned chopsticks. The pirate took it with a smile that was trying desperately to look like a defiant scowl, and not succeeding in the slightest. Some sauce dribbled down his chin, and after a moment or two of trying to keep a straight face, both men burst out laughing.

Ling Yi closed the door, feeling physically ill from such a sickeningly sappy display of affection. Somehow, she managed to stagger back to her quarters, which were downstairs with the rest of the servant's accommodations. Sitting down on her shabby straw cot, she leaned her head against the wall… and screamed at the top of her lungs for two minutes straight. This was going to be a very long day. She decided that she would have to make a bigger offering at the shrine that night; she was going to need as many blessings as she could get.

Holy earwax plagued wombats! Did this chapter actually contain…PLOT DEVELOPMENT? I…I think it DID! But you have to squint your eyes and look reeeaaally carefully to find it. I feel I should mention that this chapter has my all-time favorite disclaimer. And I know I promised there would be yelling, but…I lied. Not intentionally, though. It just didn't fit into this chapter, but fear not, it will occur at some point! Heavens to Betsy, Zhang He's complete lack of awareness in this was just entirely too entertaining. It was hard to write, because I kept snickering at the utter ditziness of it all, which resulted in a keyboard smish. And wasn't the whole "breakfast in bed" thing FLUFFY? I bet you need a de-linting roller now, 'cause that piece of fluff was so damn…fluffy…it was SHEDDING! OH! SNAP and BURN! (makes that fake sizzling noise) Heh, I amuse myself to no end, I really do.