Z – Wait a minute you're telling me that there actually are planets that don't begin with Ohmygod? Really? Well, you think someone would have told me! Hurrumph.
Sunrise over the Tango factory – cheers for all the nice stuff you said dear! And thanks for telling me to write 'bang', ah the joy! I like it! Also, hope Piere is doing his job!
IrishEyesAreSmiling – nice name! I love red dwarf, so glad they do fanfics on it.
SenatorSolo – hey, nice to have reviews from you again! thanks
Tower of Babel – yeah you're right about the out of character bit, thanks for saying you liked it anyway lol.
Br1de-of-fr3ddy – hehe, thanks dear! I like the word woot, has a nice ring to it lol!
Okay, I apologise, most sincerely for this load of rubbish. You don't have to read the first bit, I don't like it! Skip a couple of paragraphs you won't miss anything!
…….
…….
Lister walked tiredly to the boarding ramp, holding back a grin at his crewmates. Honestly, you'd think the world's hottest models were coming, with what they were wearing. He had to literally shield his eyes away from Cat, who was glittering with sequins and shining fatal light beams into unsuspecting eyes.
"So, what are you waiting for… Let them aboard."
Some eerie smoke wafted forward. And then… At least ten robots filed in down the ramp, "Oh hello sirs!"
"Oh hello sirs!"
"Oh hello sirs!"
Rimmer cowered behind Lister, "Oh god, it's attack of the evil service droids!"
The nearest one stuck its arms up jerkily, as if to signal peace, "Oh my, no sirs, please forgive us! We were just floating by in our ship when we spotted your mining vessel. And we thought to ourselves 'they could use our services!' so here we are sirs. Where do you want us?"
Lister looked confused and it wasn't the first time, "You what?"
"We offer our services to you sir!"
"You what?" he said again.
"We offer our services to you sir!"
"You what?"
"Oh for god's sake!" said Rimmer.
Lister looked a little awkward, "We don't want your services man, we're fine by ourselves."
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-" the mechanoid said, "b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-"
"Oh, he's stuck on the loop again!"
Another stepped forward, "What we mean is, our previous masters sent us out on a ship so that we could help whoever we bump into to. And seen as our ship is 'buggered up' as you human's say, we have no choice!"
Lister backed away a little, "Yeah, and what we're saying is we don't need your help."
The mechanoid's lip quivered, and the next thing they knew, all of the droids had burst out into hysterical fits of crying.
Lister wasn't expecting that, "No… look I didn't mean it."
"We're n-not good enough for-for you!" the mechanoid said in between heart wrenching sobs.
"No, no that's not what I meant man, I'm sorry-"
"WE'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!"
"No, you can stay, it's alright!"
The droid wiped his eyes, even though he was incapable of having any tears, "Oh, no, we wouldn't want to be a BURDEN to you sir! It's just HARD you know… being REJECTED all the time!"
"We're not rejecting you; they can stay with us right guys?"
Cat looked thoroughly disgusted yet again, "What! Get rid of them monkey! They're cramping my style!"
Lister patted one of the robots gently on the arm, "Look, you can stay 'til we get another ship for you alright?"
"Oh THANK you sir!"
…….
"Awooga! awooga!"
"What now Holly?"
"Well, I don't wanna worry you or anything, but there seems to be a cherryade spillage on deck 7 from that insane vending machine…" she paused for a moment, thinking, "oh yeah, and there's an unknown life form aboard."
Rimmer leapt from his seat once again, "ALIENS!"
"Rimmer shut the smeg up."
"Sir!" said Kryten, "I don't want to cause alarm but it may be one of those creatures from the trio of planets."
"What?"
"The creatures with the big sticky feet!"
"Oh right."
"We should all be on special alert sir!"
"Suit up with bazookoids!" cried Rimmer,
"Suit up with suits!" cried Cat,
Lister rolled his eyes, "Oh for smeg's sake, it's not gonna be anything bad."
…….
Rimmer ducked round the corner, hefting the bazookoid up over his shoulder. You could never be too careful with aliens. And he wasn't going to take any chances, especially when there could be mentally-impaired, sticky footed creatures from insane planets which started with Ohmygod, lurking around.
He breathed in deeply, preparing to run down the corridor, when he heard it.
Squelch
The hairs prickled on the back of his neck.
What was that?
He listened again, trying to quieten his heavy breathing and the blood pounding in his ears enough to hear it.
There it was again.
A heavy squelching. A sticky foot pressed against the floor. Rimmer's heart beat hard against his ribs. It was coming closer.
…….
Lister walked through the corridor, his shoulders slightly slumped forward. He yawned, wondering for a second why he felt so tired. Then he remembered that he hadn't slept the morning before, opting for an extended period of soppy love films in the cinema instead.
He walked straight through the sticky cherryade spillage on deck 7, his mind on the service droids a few decks below him.
They were having a hard time coping with Kryten, now they had a load of other obsessed robots to deal with. Lister himself had only just escaped from a crazed one who wanted to give him a bath. He grimaced at the very thought. Who did they think they were?
Lister didn't notice as he slouched down the passageway, that the cherryade had stuck to the bottom of his rather large orange moon boots. He didn't notice the heavy squelch they made when they came in contact with the floor.
…….
Rimmer shivered, he had to do something. His arm shook as he held the bazookoid; he couldn't see the figure clearly, it was slumped forward, bulky, and framed with shadowy darkness.
Rimmer could feel his lungs burning, realising he was holding his breath. He had to do something!
So he did.
He lunged round the corner, the bazookoid heavy on his arm, without another thought he forced his finger onto the trigger.
…….
Lister didn't notice as he slouched down the passageway, that the cherryade had stuck to the bottom of his rather large orange moon boots. He didn't notice the heavy squelch they made when they came in contact with the floor.
He didn't notice the sound of fire until it was too late.
…….
…….
Taadaa!
