Cheers to Bex and cazflibs for reviewing! Faithful reviewers, hugs to you!
Hope this is alright. I couldn't be bothered to make it any better, it took me long enough to write anyway!
Okay dears, Remember to read and review.
…….
…….
With only a couple of lights to guide his way, Lister stumbled on through the corridors wondering why the smeg he hadn't got anywhere yet.
The soft glow of light allowed him only to see a few centimetres ahead; so consequently, he had nearly knocked himself out on a few walls that he hadn't turned quick enough to avoid.
It was so dark ahead. Lister couldn't hide an apprehensive shiver as he walked even further into the gloom.
The wounds on his chest were beginning to burn again, but he couldn't spare them further thought, he was too focused on finding Cat.
Although, that didn't mean he couldn't stop and close his eyes against the pain from time to time. He hugged his chest tightly, no, what was he thinking? He couldn't stop. He had to keep going.
And that was when he slipped, falling flat on his buttocks with a groan, and smashing the glowing crutch against the ground as he did so.
The tiny lights shattered, sending glistening fragments across the floor. Lister moaned, how the smeg was he going to find Cat now?
Fortunately for the last human, a light began to glow almost straight away. Unfortunately for the last human, the light that was glowing was a great big fire caused by the spark of smashed light against the extremely flammable floor he had just slipped on.
"Arrrggghhh!"
…….
"Lister!" Rimmer's mouth hung wide open. He shielded his eyes from the blinding light ahead of him, and knew without a doubt that Lister had got himself into another smegging, and bizarrely typical, scenario.
"Smeg! How come you never smegging listen to me? You're such a smegging goit!" somehow, Rimmer couldn't manage to keep the tremor from his voice.
He stepped forward, peering ahead with a whimper, as if considering whether or not to be a hero or bugger off.
He just couldn't decide.
…….
"Look, it's a skutter!" Robot Six cried, pointing at the approaching robot and wiggling his torch head about frantically.
The depressed skutter meandered slowly along the floor, coming to a halt before the mechanoids.
Kryten waved at it, "Hello!"
The skutter looked up, moving its head to the side with a slight whirring noise.
"What's that?" Kryten said with a gasp, "There's a huge monster that's kidnapped the Cat, and Mr Lister has run off to save him, and Mr Rimmer is considering going to save Mr Lister, but is too much of a coward, and now a huge fire has broken out which has nothing to do with your brake fluid?"
The skutter whirred again. It was trying to ask for directions to the nearest post office so it could ship some coupons for tinned spaghetti off to Hawaii, but Kryten seemed to be getting the wrong end of the stick.
"Oh my!" the mechanoid cried, "We must hurry! There's no telling what horrible things have already befallen them!"
And off the robots ran.
The skutter rolled off, even more depressed now. It looked like it would have to find the Post office by itself. Well it wouldn't be the first time.
…….
Cat was currently dangling from the ceiling by his feet.
"Help! I'm dangling from the ceiling by my gorgeous feet!"
Oh, sorry. Cat was currently dangling from the ceiling by his gorgeous feet, while the monster was sat hunched in the corner.
It seemed to be waiting for someone to come along as a rescue attempt, but wasn't having much luck at the moment.
No one was coming.
And to the Cat's dismay he was still hanging from the ceiling by his gorgeous feet. And… some disgustingly gunky stuff that looked an awful lot like drool.
"How am I going to get this gunk off the suede?" he said with a sob, staring up at his lilac suede boots, the tassels and braids flopping at an odd angle off them. "I'll never get it out! Another tragic fashion accessory lost to evil creatures we meet floating in space! I still haven't managed to get over the other 73 times!"
…….
The torch beam settled slowly on a figure in the distance. The mechanoids hurried over to it, quietly. From his cowardly posture, it could only be one person.
"Oh! Mr Rimmer we've found you!"
Rimmer nearly jumped out of his uniform, which would have been a sight to see. But he calmed down slightly at the sign of Kryten and said bluntly, "Lister's gone and blown himself up."
Kryten squealed, "Oh poor Mr Lister!"
"And the Cat's got himself catnapped."
"Oh poor Mr Cat!"
"And I've been through hell and back trying to save them!"
"Oh poor…" Kryten trailed off, "sir, which way did they go?"
Rimmer pointedly vaguely to the right, feeling more than a little dumbfounded at the sudden change in events.
"You'll have to come with us sir!" Kryten bristled.
"What? I'm not coming with you! That's like signing your own death certificate and listening to 'Now That's What I Call Rocking Grannies' Music' whilst jumping off the end of a cliff with pointy rocks and strategically placed pancake batter ladles at the bottom!"
"But sir, if we leave you here the monster will probably come and get you!" he shook his head, "And as relieving as that sounds to me, I'm not sure you would enjoy it quite as much! After all, there is safety in numbers sir."
"Oh fine! But if you're wrong Kryten, I might just have to use your head as the toilet plunger again."
…….
Cat sniffed.
Then frowned.
Then sniffed again.
Quite a hard thing to do really when you're hanging upside down from the ceiling by your gorgeous feet.
He sniffed once more. It was Hemorrhoid cream head and the horde of manic mechanoids.
Oh so now they were coming to rescue him! After the saliva had fully soaked into his suede boots, and the volume of his hair had increased ten fold? What type of rescue do you call that? It was barely even worth them coming now!
…….
"What do we do sir?"
"I don't know! This was your idea." Rimmer whispered, following Kryten and the others as they concealed themselves behind a large row of boxes at the end of the room.
The monster could be plainly seen hunched in the shadows and growling quietly to itself. Rimmer's heart was beating faster than a hyperactive egg whisk on full pelt.
"How about, you lot go sacrifice yourselves while I cower behind here and wait for the monster to get bored?"
"Sir, that doesn't sound like a very good plan to me, I mean, who would rescue Mr Lister?" Kryten whispered back.
"I'm sure Lister is fine," Rimmer squeaked, even though he knew he was spouting utter smeg, "What really counts now is my personal and undivided safety!"
"Sir, you're a smeeeee! A smeeeeee heeeeeeeaaaaaad!"
"A what?"
"Oh never mind sir. But I'm afraid we're not going with your plan, are we?"
Kryten spun around. Where had they gone?
Oh dear, it was too late. The other robots had heard the plan and gone off to obey the orders.
"Oh dear!"
The sounds of crunching metal and mechanoid wails could be heard.
Kryten grimaced, looking above the wooden box they were trembling behind, "Oh no! The monster's got Two!"
"Got to what? What's it got to? Not my Hammond organ CDs!" Rimmer asked worriedly,
Kryten rolled his eyes, "No. He's got Two sir, he's smashed him into smaller pieces than McDonalds chicken nuggets!"
"You what?"
The mechanoid screwed up his face at the horrific events before him, barely bringing himself to see anymore, "Oh! And he's killed Four!"
"Killed for what?"
Kryten, sighed in relief, "Wait, it's alright sir - he survived!"
Rimmer frowned, "He's done what to Five?"
"Oh do shut the smeg up sir!"
…….
…….
Please review, I'll get bored and stop writing this load of crap if you don't.
You're not supposed to cheer, that was a threat!
Noodles for now, alex x.x
