A/N: This was the hardest chapter so far. I hope that I was able to convey the right feel. Any review is appreciated.
Disclaimer: I don't own CSI. That's why I work for a living.
Chapter 11
The loud buzz caused Sara to jump and clutch Grissom's hand tighter. She laughed, mirthlessly, at her nerves. How many times had she heard that sound in the course of her career? At this moment it might as well have been the first time. When the door clanged shut behind them she jumped again. Her heart was pounding and her palms were sweaty. Grissom watched her from the corner of his eye. He didn't like the fact that she was pale. She was beyond edgy, bordering on terrified.
"Sara, we don't have to do this," he said in a quiet voice. "She would never have to know you were here."
"I have to," she replied. "I need to do this. I need to know that I'm not like her."
"Sweetheart," Grissom started and then shrugged at a loss for words. How could he convince her that she would never be a victim like her mother? How could anyone convince her that there was no such thing as a murder gene? He squeezed her hand and nodded. "Let's go. I'll be with you the entire time."
With a smile that was more of a grimace, Sara said, "Don't let go."
They walked the last few feet to the visitation area where tables were set up with chairs grouped around them. Signs on the institutional gray walls prohibited smoking and physical contact with the inmates. The couple picked a table in a corner and sat down to wait for the guards to bring Laura Sidle in. Grissom could feel Sara gathering herself together. Her back straightened and her head came up. She tucked her hair behind her ears and drew in a deep, yet somewhat ragged, breath. Turning to face him, she gave him a smile. "I can do this, right?"
With love and concern shining in his eyes, he gently replied, "You can do anything. You are the toughest, most resilient woman I know."
"Thank you," she said with a tight smile. Turning away from him, Sara resumed watching the door. When she saw her mother for the first time in over two decades, Sara couldn't breathe. Like a blow to the solar plexus the sight of her mother forced all the air from her lungs. There were so many emotions vying for top position that she didn't know which one to feel first. There were anger and sadness, pain and fear, hope and joy. However, the one that shocked her the most was love. She had always loved her parents. Even when she was afraid of her father and in fear for her mother there was love. She fought back the tears that threatened to fall and stood so that she could meet the woman who had given birth to her.
When Grissom felt Sara stiffen and heard the hitch in her breathing he turned. His comforting words never made it past his lips. Standing just across the room was Sara, or at least an idea of how she would look in twenty years. Time had not been kind to Laura Sidle. Her nose had obviously been broken before and her skin was sallow. But the bone structure was undeniable. The hair, now shot through with gray, had once been the same lustrous brown as her daughter's. The long, lean body was a little soft in places but would still turn heads if she were in the right clothes. When Sara stood, he stood with her waiting on his future mother-in-law to see them.
Laura's eyes scanned the room. She hadn't been in the visitation area since the last time she saw her daughter, nearly twenty-five years before. She had waited, week after week, for a visit until her well of hope had finally run dry. When Laura received the letter that Sara was coming and bringing someone with her she was overwhelmed. She was angry and sad, hurt and afraid, hopeful and joyful. Seeing Sara was all she could think about for weeks. The few letters she had received over the years were no substitute for actually seeing her child's face, hearing her voice, just being near her. When she spotted the man and woman standing across the room she couldn't believe her eyes. The woman could have passed for her twin. She took a tentative step in that direction and then another. Suddenly she was hurrying across the room only to stop short when she remembered that she couldn't physically touch the woman standing there. Laura's eyes moved over Sara's face as if memorizing every feature. Smiling through the tears running down her face Laura said, "You're beautiful."
For the first time in her life Sara was speechless. Coming to her rescue, Grissom said, "Let's sit down." He held out a chair for Sara and motioned for Laura to take a seat. Trying to put the woman at ease he introduced himself. "Mrs. Sidle, my name is Gil Grissom. It's nice to meet you."
Wiping her eyes, Laura Sidle said, "Please call me Laura. No one has called me Mrs. Sidle in years."
"Well, I guess that makes sense," Sara stated. Realizing that she had actually spoken the words she dropped her eyes to avoid her mother's startled gaze. Bringing her gaze back to her mother, she said, "Sorry. I sometimes over talk."
"It's okay. I guess I deserved that." Continuing to keep her eyes on Sara's face, she said, "Tell me about you. I want to know everything."
"We only get an hour. I don't think there will be enough time to cover twenty-five years." Sara dripped sarcasm as she leaned back in the chair and crossed her arms over her chest. "Besides, I have questions I need answered."
"Sara," Grissom soothed while letting his hand massage the back of her neck.
Turning to look at her fiancé, she gave him a weak smile. "I'm okay Gris. I won't embarrass you."
"I'm not worried about that." His gaze held hers captive as he spoke to her with his eyes.
Turning to look at her mother, Sara said, "I just need to know why. Why couldn't you just leave? Why did it have to come to this?" Sara gestured around at the bars on the windows and the other inmates spending 'quality' time with their loved ones. "I think, after all this time, you owe me an explanation."
Laura sat quietly for a moment before saying, "You're right. You deserve to know what happened that day." After gathering her thoughts, she said, "It started just like any other day except that your father had not gone to work. I woke up and got you ready for school. After you caught the bus, I went in to take a shower. It goes without saying that it had not been a good night. The number of good days was getting smaller. The only time Paul ever stayed out of work was when he was too hung over to function. He had come in the evening before and refused to eat dinner. Instead, he began drinking. I knew the signs so I made sure that you were fed and in your room early."
Laura's voice had taken on a dreamy quality and her eyes had a faraway look. She was back there, more than remembering, almost reliving what had happened all those years ago. "You knew the rules. Once I put you in your room you didn't come out. So, when all hell broke loose an hour later, you weren't supposed to see it. Do you remember what happened that night?"
Sara nodded, and tried to speak. Her throat was tight and her voice rough. "I remember coming out and yelling at him to stop. I remember he had you on the floor, kicking you and I screamed for him to stop."
"Do you remember that he hit you?" Laura's eyes had filled with tears that were running slowly down her cheeks in hot tracks. "Do you remember trying to get between us?"
Now it was Sara's turn to go back to that night. Her gaze turned inward and she saw the events as if they were unfolding on a movie screen. "I remember opening the door. I had to go to the bathroom and I was trying to sneak across the hall. I remember seeing you on the living room floor. He was kicking you and you were curled in a knot. I was afraid he was going to kill you." Sara's voice was ragged and her hands were trembling.
"You ran into the living room and started screaming at him to stop. You were hitting him on the back and yelling for him to leave me alone." Laura drew in a deep breath, trying to find the words to continue. "I was trying to tell you to go back to your room and you were screaming and crying and trying to pull him off me. He turned around and hit you. Not on the face. He hit you on the side of your head and you went down. While he was distracted, I grabbed his foot and pulled. He fell and his head hit the floor hard enough to knock him out. I got you into your room and I locked us in. You were crying and begging me to leave him. I held you until you went to sleep." Laura stopped and dropped her head into her hands. Her shoulders shook from her silent sobs. Lifting her head, she said, "I need to get some water."
Grissom stood. "I'll get you a bottle. Sara, would you like something?"
"Water please," she said and handed over the bag of change they had brought in.
When he returned, he handed a bottle to each woman and sat down beside Sara. Leaning toward her, he said, "Are you okay?"
She nodded and whispered, "I'm fine." Turning to her mother, Sara said, "What happened the next day?"
Laura took another drink and sighed. "Uh…the next day, after you went to school, I took a shower and sat down at the table. I started to think about what had happened the night before. The longer I sat there the angrier I became. I might have deserved his abuse but you never did." When Laura saw Sara trying to say something, she held up her hand. "I'm only telling you what I thought then. I have had enough counseling to know that I didn't deserve any of it."
"I sat there for about an hour. I thought of all the things I had been through. I thought of all the broken bones and bruises. I thought of the fear. I thought of how much I loved you and what could happen to you in that house." Laura paused and took another drink of water. She sat there for a moment and gathered her thoughts. "I considered leaving. I thought about packing up and running. The problem was I had nowhere to go. I had no job, no money, no car, no family, and no friends. I had nothing. I realize that all of these things are part of the abusive relationship. Paul kept me isolated so that I had to depend on him for everything."
"What about a shelter? What about the police?" Sara snapped. "Why didn't you call the police? There were enough hospital records to support your claims of abuse. I remember all the trips to the emergency room."
"The resources that are available today were not always out there. Even in 1980 people didn't talk about domestic violence. A woman made her bed and she had to lie in it." Laura cleared her throat before continuing. "I'm not making excuses, Sara. I'm trying to tell you what happened. I never said I did the right thing. I did what I thought had to be done."
"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Finish please," Sara said.
"I never made a conscious decision to kill him. I never thought, 'Okay, I'll just go in there and stab him'. When he woke up, I cooked breakfast. I cleaned the kitchen. I did some laundry. Then Paul asked where you were. I told him you were at school. He told me that he was going to 'kick your ass', when you got home, for disrespecting him. He said you needed to learn a lesson about who was in charge in that house. I told him it wouldn't happen again. I told him that I had talked to you and you promised never to be disrespectful again."
Laura chuckled and shook her head at the absurdity of the conversation. "I honestly thought that I could convince him to let it go. I should have known better. He said some things that I refuse to repeat, even now. After a while, he said he was going to take a nap so he would be rested when you got home. He wanted to be sure you never forgot the lesson he was going to teach you. I sat at the table again and thought about what he had said. I knew that he would do exactly as he promised. I knew that he would hurt you. That is when I knew I had to get us away from him."
Laura was so caught up in the story that she didn't see the horror on Sara's face. She didn't see the tears running down her daughter's face or standing in Grissom's eyes. She was sitting at her kitchen table listening to her husband snoring from the other room. "I could hear him and knew he was asleep. I sat there and remembered the day you were born. I remembered what it felt like to hold you. I remembered that I was your only hope. I stood up and went to the drawer. I pulled out the biggest knife in the house. I walked down the hall and I stood in the door watching him sleep."
Realizing where she was, Laura Sidle looked at her daughter. When she saw the pain in Sara's eyes she asked, "Are you sure you want to hear this?"
Sara couldn't find her voice so she nodded. Seeing the reluctance in her mother's eyes she finally managed to squeeze out, "Please."
Grissom studied Sara's face. He wanted to pull her against his chest and hold her. He wanted to take away the pain she was feeling. Never had he felt so helpless. He reached over and took her hand, giving it a squeeze.
"Sara, please try to understand that I loved him. I just loved you more. I couldn't let him hurt you. I felt like I had no choice." Laura was pleading with her daughter to understand. "I was trying to protect you."
"Just tell me what happened." Sara's voice was low and without inflection.
"You know what happened. I walked over to the bed and I stabbed him. The thing is, once I started, I couldn't stop. It was cathartic. I kept stabbing and stabbing. There was so much blood. I didn't know there would be so much blood." Laura was once again back in the house. She could smell the blood and the other odors of death. She could see the body of her husband. "When I realized that he was dead I went to the kitchen and called the police. Then I sat down at the table to wait for them. I knew I was going to jail. I also knew you would be safe. That's all I wanted – for you to be safe." Laura searched her daughter's eyes before saying, "I'm sorry."
"I have to go," Sara said. "I have to get out of here. I can't breathe." She pushed back from the table and hurried across the room.
Grissom stood and picked up Sara's jacket. "Laura, I would like to say it's been a pleasure."
"Mr. Grissom, you love my daughter, correct?" When he nodded she continued, "Please get her some help. She needs to let this go. I wish that I had handled things differently but I can't change the past. I would like for her to visit me again – if that it what she wants."
"I will do everything I can to make sure she heals. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go." With that, Grissom followed Sara out of the room. He found her standing just outside the visitor's gate, hands in her pockets and tears streaming down her face. He pulled her against his chest and whispered non-sense to her until her sobs had subsided. Leaning back, he looked into her eyes and said, "Come on. Let's go home."
