A/N: There is a tiny reference here to the first story "Because I Love You". Thanks to everyone who is reading.
Disclaimer: I don't own CSI. That's why I work for a living.
Chapter 13
Sara sat quietly, lost in thought, staring out the window at the clouds below. Her right hand was entwined with the left hand of theman next to her. She turnedto study his profile. His head was back against the seat, his eyes were closed and his lips parted in sleep. A smile played around the corners of her mouth as she drank in the sight of him. Never in a million years had she pictured them in this situation. When she went to his house that day a year and a half ago she had been looking for closure. She baited him, all but begging him to send her away, until he lost his temper. She had wanted to hear him to say he didn't have feelings for her. She was sure that would have been the catalyst she needed to get over him. Instead he had shocked them both by practically yelling that he did love her.
"Because I love you, dammit." Sara could hear his voice clearly. When she thought about it Sara smiled even though it hadn't been funny at the time. The anger and pain in his voice made it sound like he had swallowed glass. That was not the way she had hoped to hear those words. But the first time his lips touched hers she knew every minute of the past ten years had been worth it. When the touch of a man's lips on yours steals your breath and makes you forget that the world exists then he is the only man for you. Sara knew she had been right to wait, however self-destructive it had seemed.
Things hadn't been all smooth sailing. There had been arguments and tears and hurt. There had also been laughs and love and tenderness. Two people with the social skills of irate skunks should maybe think twice about living together. Sara figured that as long as the good stuff outweighs the bad then there is a good chance everything will work out.
Turning her head back to the view outside, she let her mind replay the events of the day. Grissom had been determined to be there if she needed him. She was thankful that he had insisted on coming with her. Even though she had mentally prepared for the visit with her mother the reality had left her shaken. Not as bad as the first time but still not as easy as she thought. Sighing, Sara replayed the scene in her mind.
Watching her mother walk across the visitation room, Sara was amazed at the things that could be genetically predisposed. She hadn't seen this woman in twenty-five years. She had barely remembered what she looked like. Yet, Sara knew that she carried herself the way her mother did. They walked alike, their voices were similar, and their gestures were eerily the same. If anyone asked, Sara would have denied that her mother had any influence on her outside of providing the egg. Honestly, nothing could be further from the truth.
Her mother took a seat across from her and smiled tentatively. "Hi. It's good to see you again." Laura let out a nervous laugh and continued, "I really didn't think you'd be back after the way you left last time."
"I'm sorry about running out of here last time. I had to come back. There are some things I need to say." Sara took a moment to compose her thoughts. "I would like it if you would let me finish before you say anything."
Laura nodded and Sara started talking in a voice hardly louder than a whisper. "I remember. I remember the screaming and fighting. I remember the drinking. But most of all, I remember the fear. No kid should ever have to live in fear. You know?" Sara shook her head and closed her eyes. Opening her eyes, she continued in a stronger voice, "I didn't know why you did it. That was something I never figured out. I'm not sure that knowing has helped me understand." With a shrug and a tightening of her lips she held onto her self-control. "I will say that the things I witnessed gave me direction. I chose my career so that I could help others. No crime touches me like domestic violence. But, the funny thing is, the very thing that drives me has come close to costing me everything." Sara pressed her fingers to her eyes in an effort to ease the ache that was behind them. When she continued her voice was strong. "I am angry. I am very angry. But I have finally realized that my anger is destructive. I am destroying myself and that is not acceptable. I deserve more. So, as of right now, I am going to let this go. I will no longer blame you, or my father, for my problems."
When Sara had fallen silent, Laura swiped at the tears that were running down her cheeks before saying, "Sara, I'm sorry." At the disbelieving look on her daughter's face she continued, "Sorry for all the pain. I've had a long time to think about this. Not much else to do here. I know now that there were other ways to deal with the situation. But at the time it was the only solution I saw."
Sara took that moment to interrupt. "I will never tell you that you did the right thing, if that's what you want."
Laura shook her head and said, "No. I don't expect that. You are too black and white. You believe in the justice system and that it will work no matter what. I respect that."
Sara's reverie was interrupted by the flight attendant's offer of a drink. She asked for water. Noticing that Sara only had one available hand, the woman cracked the seal on the bottle. Sara thanked her and took a long drink. Letting her mind drift back Sara continued to go over the conversation with her mother.
"How is Mr. Grissom?" Laura's question caught Sara off guard. She fully intended to bring up Grissom, in her own time. "Why didn't he come with you?"
"He did. He's in the car." Laura gave her a questioning look and Sara continued, "I wanted to do this by myself. He insisted on being here. We compromised." After a second she said, "Maybe I'm not so black and white after all."
"He loves you Sara." Laura said this with a certainty that surprised her daughter.
"How do you know? You've met him once. The whole visit was less than an hour and he didn't say ten words. How can you pretend to know anything about him?" Sara's voice sharpened. She didn't want to hear her mother's opinion on any aspect of her life.
"He didn't have to say anything. It's written in his eyes when he looks at you." Laura gave a tight smile and said, "Are you happy with him?" There was fear lurking in her eyes as she studied Sara.
"He is not my father. He is gentle and kind. He is everything I've waited for my whole life." Sara's smile was dreamy. "We're getting married. That's another reason I needed to do this. I want to start our life together with a clean slate. We deserve a shot at happiness."
"Sara, I hope, with all of my heart, that the two of you will be the happiest people on the face of the earth." Tears filled Laura's eyes again and she shut them tightly.
"Thanks." Sara sat for a moment at a temporary loss for words. She had expected to feel a weight lift off her shoulders and was a little disappointed when she didn't. "I think I'll be going now. We have a plane to catch." She stood and picked up her jacket.
Standing, Laura asked, "Will you be back?"
Sara answered honestly, "I don't know. I'll write you."
As Sara turned to go, Laura said, "I love you." The only indication that Sara had even heard was a pause in her stride as she walked away. Laura couldn't see the tears streaming down her face.
Sara didn't realize she was crying until she felt the tears dripping onto the hand lying loosely in her lap. She used her napkin to wipe the moisture from her face. Even though these were tears, they were the kind that were cleansing. They were releasing thirty-four years of pain and anger and heart break. She squeezed Grissom's hand and felt him return the gesture. She turned her head and smiled at him through the salty tracks on her face. Her heart swelled until she thought it would burst. Her love for this man was all encompassing. With concern in his eyes, Grissom reached over to wipe the tears from her cheeks.
"I love you. More than I can tell you." Sara graspedthe hand on her cheek and nuzzledinto his palm.
"I love you too, honey. More than I ever thought possible." Grissom leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on her lips. Sara thought of how far they had come from the days when he wouldn't speak of his feelings, much less engage in a public display of affection. "Are you okay?" he asked in a quiet voice.
"I'm fine. Really." Sara gave him a heart melting smile. "These are good tears." She paused for a second before saying, "Go back to sleep. We'll be home soon."
Grissom nodded and then leaned his head back and closed his eyes. He wouldn't sleep but he knew that Sara needed her space to finish grieving. She had never grieved for the loss of her family, dysfunctional though it might be. He tightened his hold on her hand.
Grissom woke with a start when Sara slammed the door of the car. "Are you okay?" he asked.
"No," she replied. "I'm not." She sat there, breathing harshly, staring straight ahead.
Grissom reached over and placed a hand on Sara's shoulder. How can I help her? How can I relieve the pain she must be feeling? "Sara?" he said. "Come here, honey." He gathered her into his arms and pressed her face into his shoulder. As soon has she felt his hand stroke the back of her head she broke down. She sobbed against his chest until she was spent. He stroked her hair and placed gentle kisses against the top of her head. His heart broke a thousand times as he listened to the moans that were coming from her throat. When her tears subsided, Grissom asked, "Can you tell me about it?"
Sara pushed away from his and sat back. Grissom offered her a handkerchief to clean her face. He sat back and waited for her to tell him what had happened. Sara told the story in fits and starts. She was calm and detached, almost as if giving a report at a crime scene, until she got to the end. "She told me she loves me, Griss." She choked on the tears.
"She's your mother." Grissom's simple statement brought more tears, so he held her hand and waited on her to calm down.
"I couldn't tell her that I love her." Sara's words came out on a sob. "I couldn't tell her that I forgive her. I couldn't say any of the things I thought I should."
"I know, honey. I know," Grissom soothed. "She understands"
They sat like that for what seemed like hours. Finally, Sara turned her head and said, "Come on. Let's go home."
Grissom let a sad smile play around his lips at the memory of Sara sobbing and quivering in his embrace. His love for the woman beside him made it hard for him to breathe. Suddenly, he couldn't wait for the chance to stand in front of everyone important to them both and declare his love and devotion. Opening his eyes he leaned over and whispered in Sara's ear, "I can't wait until we're married. I want everyone to know that you are the love of my life."
Sara turned her head and rewarded Grissom with her most magnificent smile. "One more week, bug man. Just one more week."
When the plane landed, Sara drove them home.
