Disclaimer: I don't own CSI. That's why I work for a living.
Chapter 20
Love is a complex emotion. Itis all the happiness, sadness, hopes and fears in life, mixed them together andfrosted with trustto create the most delicious, awful, wonderful, painful feeling in the world. Love is more than physical attraction. It is more than friendship. It is the pinnacle of delight and the depths of despair. Gil Grissom had loved three women in his life. The first was his mother. The last was his wife. It was the one in between that had shattered his world and almost cost him everything he now held dear.
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Sara, Grissom and Jonathan had made the long drive to Marina del Rey to visit Olivia during the Thanksgiving holiday. Sara and Olivia decided to spend Saturday morning shopping and then meet Grissom for lunch. That is howhe found himself sitting at a patio table, with a hungry baby, watching the sun sparkle on the water. He was holding Jonathan's bottle and sipping a beer when he heard someone call his name. Turning his head he saw the one person he had hoped never to lay eyes on again.
"Gil, is that you?" Elizabeth Weaver was standing just inside the entrance to the patio. Her auburn hair was sleek and shiny. Her eyes were the same incredible green that seemed to capture the light and throw it back a thousand times stronger. Her delicate features didn't show even one of the years that had passed. Her clothes and jewelry were just understated enough to scream money.
Grissom felt his heart beat accelerate. His mouth was dry and he couldn't think of a word to say. Finally, he managed what he hoped would pass for a smile and said in a cool voice, "Elizabeth." In the time it had taken for him to speak that single word she was standing by the table.
"How long has it been? You look fantastic. The beard is very nice." Elizabeth, never at a loss for words, continued to chatter away. Grissom's silence didn't seem to faze her. "And who is this with you? Wow, a grandson? When did you get to be a grandfather?"
Her rambling was cut short by a clipped response, "He's not."
Elizabeth turned and saw a very tall, very lovely brunette with her hands in the back pockets of a pair of low slung jeans. Her black t-shirt clung to her breasts and there was a strip of smooth, ivory skin showing between her top and jeans. Running her eyes appraisingly over the young woman, Elizabeth said to Grissom, "Still dating your students, I see." Turning she snipped, "And you would be?" Condescension dripped from every syllable.
"Sara," she said, taking note of the way her eyes gravitated back to Grissom. Not normally a petty person, Sara noticed Grissom's discomfort and her protectiveness kicked into high gear. "Sara Sidle-Grissom. And you are?"
The stranger's eyes widened before she snapped her control back in place. "Elizabeth Weaver," she said her eyes and voice cool. "Aren't you a little...um...young?"
"Well, I'm definitely younger than you." Sara couldn't hide her satisfaction when the other woman's eyes narrowed. She walked around to take a sleeping Jonathan from Grissom's arms and lay him in his stroller, tucking a blanket around him. Turning back to her husband, Sara placed a hand on his chest and a soft, lingering kiss on his lips. "Hey, bugman, did you and Jonathan have a good morning?" She took the seat beside her husband and rested her hand on his thigh.
"Yeah," he smiled over at her, "we did. Where's mom?"
Before Sara could explain that Olivia was in the restroom, Elizabeth cooed, "Your mother is here? Oh my, I haven't seen her in ages."
Sara's eyes moved between Grissom and Elizabeth and suddenly she knew. This was the woman that had broken his heart. She needed no more motivation to hate her. With a passion born of years of pain and frustration Sara despised the woman standing beside the table. The fact that she was looking at Grissom like a cat with a bowl of cream didn't help matters.
Ignoring Elizabeth, Sara said, "She's in the restroom. She'll be here in a minute."
Grissom nodded and said, "Elizabeth, it was good to see you. I'm glad you stopped to say hello. Tell Walt Isaid hello."
"Walt and I are divorced." This tidbit of information was accompanied by a sly smile. "He found someone he liked better."
"I'm sorry. I know how that feels." The words slipped out before Grissom could stop them.
Olivia chose that moment to join them. Sara noticed the way her eyes widened before narrowing into an expression Sara had seen many times on the face of her son. She eased past Elizabeth and took the seat on the other side of Grissom. Catchinghis eye, she began to sign.
"What is she doing here?" Olivia's fingers flew and her expression was one of disgust.
"She just showed up." Grissom shrugged before continuing, "It is a public place after all."
"Does Sara know?" Olivia's glanced over at her daughter-in-law and saw her trying to follow the conversation.
"No. But I think she's figured it out." Grissom gave a wry grin. "She's already marked her territory. Don't worry."
Olivia turned her gaze to Elizabeth and spoke haltingly, "How have you been?"
Elizabeth bent down and hugged the older woman. "I've been fine. It's so good to see you again. I can't believe how long it's been."
"What? Twenty years? Seems like yesterday." Olivia was not about to let Elizabeth think she had forgotten the reasons for the time that had passed. "Or maybe some things just stand out in the mind."
Elizabeth had the good grace to look ashamed, if only for a second. Then she turned to Grissom and purred, "There are several things that stand out in my mind."
Grissom felt Sara stiffen beside him and knew there was about to be an all out cat fight. He had seen Sara's temper often enough to know that he didn't want to see it now. Placing a restraining hand on her arm Grissom said, "Elizabeth, we are in a little bit of a hurry."
"Yeah, well, I'm glad I ran into you. If you're going to be in town I would love to get together and catch up." Elizabeth turned her smile on Grissom after giving Sara a smug look.
"Sorry, but we're leaving tomorrow." Grissom's stare was carefully blank. "Maybe another time."
With a shrug, she spun on her heel and left the restaurant.
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Jonathan was tucked in. Olivia had called it a night. Grissom and Sara sat on the deck, with a beer, sharing a quiet moment. Neither of them had commented on Elizabeth Weaver; Grissom because it was his way and Sara because she was trying to figure out how to bring it up. It was as ifthe woman were standing on the deck between them casting a pall over their attempt at normalcy. She was the proverbial elephant in the room.
With a sigh, Grissom said quietly, "Just get it over with, Sara."
The resignation in his voice ignited her anger. "Get what over with Grissom? You seem to feel that I am the one who has done something wrong. What did you expect me to do? Just let you dangle there while she jerked your chain?"
"Sara," Grissom began.
"No, Gil! I am not an idiot. Please don't treat me like one." Sara stood up and stalked over to the rail. Resting her forearms there she took a deep breath before speaking. "It took me about two seconds to realize who she was. Not that I've ever heard anything about her. I just knew she was the person at least partly responsible for the pain I suffered for all those years. I don't care about her. I don't really care about the history. I wasn't mad because she was hitting on you – even after she knew who I was. I was mad because she hurt you, because she broke your heart and you, in turn, broke mine."
Sara took a long pull off her beer and turned around to face the man sitting just a few feet from her. He was the epitome of dejection. "I take it that you loved her and she cheated. And, you know what? That's all I need to know. I guess what bothers me is your inability to share those things with me. You know about my failures. You know because I've told you. Do you not trust me?"
Grissom pinched the bridge of his nose and took a calming breath. "Sara, I…um…I don't know how to tell you. I've kept it bottled up for so long that it's not easy to let it out."
"Try. That's all I'm asking. Just try."
"Come sit down. Let me hold your hand." Grissom held his out waiting on her. When she was settled in the chair beside him, he began, "I was in grad school. She was a junior and I was her TA. She was always there. Asking questions, needing extra help, flirting. It started out innocently enough. Just a cup of coffee or a soda in the dining hall. I was way too busy to date." Grissom paused and shook his head at his naiveté
"And then one day she asked me to dinner. Just like that. 'Hey Gil, do you want to have dinner with me?' I said yes." Grissom kept his eyes closed so that he wouldn't see the recognition dawn on Sara's face. "We were pretty much inseparable after that. Oh God, how I loved that girl." His voice broke and he paused. He felt a gentle squeeze on his hand. "I guess I figured we would get married. You know when she finished school and things settled down. I never had a firm plan. It just seemed to be the natural progression of things."
"I'm not sure what happened. Everything was fine – or so I thought. One day, I left the morgue early, needed to get some work done on my dissertation, and there she was. She was on a sidewalk with her arms and lips wrapped around this guy. He had his hands in places that should have belonged to me alone. She said that I was more in love with my work than with her. He gave her something she needed. Turns out, his name was Walt Weaver. She married him about six months later."
After a long pause, Grissom continued, "She was the joy in my life. Before her I worked and studied and worked some more. When I saw her with Walt something inside me broke. I didn't even know what it was but it took me almost twenty years to make it right. Imagine how I felt when you showed up. It was like reliving that time in grad school. I kept waiting for you to find someone else. I thought if I kept you at arms length then I would never feel that pain again."
Grissom looked over to see tears sliding silently down Sara's face. Turning he used his free hand to wipe them away. "Honey, please don't cry. I'm sorry for every time I hurt you."
"Griss, I'm not crying for me. I'm crying for you." Sara brought their joined hands to her lips and placed a kiss on the back of his. "I'm sorry. Sorry for the boy that had his heart broken. Sorry that there was no one there to help you put it back together. You do realize that I'm not her, don't you?"
At Grissom's nod, Sara continued, "Good."
Grissom tugged Sara to her feet. "Come over here, I need to hold you for a little while." He pulled her down onto his lap and cradled her against his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around her. "I love you so much, Sara. I never thought to see the day I'd be grateful for her betrayal. But if not for that I wouldn't have you and you are, by far, the best woman for me. The only woman for me."
The problem with love is that it makes you vulnerable. As they sat there, snuggled together under the stars, Grissom felt the last of his reserve being stripped away. He could finally admit that he had not given Sara his whole heart. He had held back to avoid being hurt again. She deserved more. Any woman that could cry for his pain was worthy of nothing less than all of him. He made a silent promise to try, just try, everyday to love her the way she deserved.
