AN: Hey everyone, sorry it took so long, just finishing exams. Anyways, this was also a pretty long chapter. Read and review and ENJOY!
Disclaimer: I don't own ER or characters affiliated with it
REPOSTED WITH CORRECTIONS ON February 24, 2006
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Chapter 3: Pain
I pulled on a black pantsuit, with a deep blue tank top underneath it. The dress lay forgotten in the corner; I had deemed it too uncomfortable and stuffy. Luka was in the bathroom finishing his tie; he was wearing a dark suit that made him look, though the timing might have been inappropriate, incredibly handsome.
I wandered absently into the bathroom, applying makeup delicately. My mind was hazy with a thick cloud of dread, I didn't want to go to the funeral, I didn't want to cry, and I didn't want to be here.
Luka was putting on his shoes as I joined him on the bed. He slipped his hand around my waist,
"Ready?"
I didn't answer right away, but after a moments deliberation I nodded subtly. Luka must have picked up on it because he got me my coat and purse and guided me out of the room, down to the lobby and out to the car.
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I stood before the coffin, looking at Eric's now lifeless features. It shouldn't have shocked me; how still he would be. I was used to seeing it in the ER. What I hadn't bargained on was how different it was when it was someone you knew.
I kissed my hand softly and touched it to Eric's cold cheek,
"Goodnight baby brother." I murmured softly.
I could feel the sting of tears in my eyes and blinked furiously. I turned away and walked side by side with Luka to our seats.
I sat next to Maggie, whose cheeks were flushed with tear stains and emotion. My back stiffened as I sat down. I wasn't used to emotion, I didn't like public displays. Luka saw me stiffen and reached across and squeezed my hand gently. When I looked at him he smiled gently and I felt myself calm, Luka had that effect on me.
As the funeral proceeded, I grew all the more teary until finally I gave in and allowed the tears to fall. They burned hot trails down my cheeks and I swiped at them with a trembling hand. Luka was careful not to look at me for he knew how hard this was for me, but he kept his hand over mine, a constant reminder he was there for me.
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I stared out the tinted window, my expression painfully blank. The funeral had been horrible. I wasn't used to expressing such emotion and knowing that Luka had already seen me in tears the day before was frustrating. The confrontation with Maggie had been even worse; she'd wanted to know all about the baby and Luka. Frankly I wasn't ready to do that.
Luka sat beside me in the car, his hand resting on my lower thigh. For some reason I felt the strongest desire to push it away. I sighed and repositioned myself so his hand fell away, then went back to staring out the window.
He had been sweet and understanding but I knew that the funeral had brought back horrible memories of his own family's death. Maggie had been distressed and the rest of the family had been in tears. I had been the only one to maintain a semi stony silence throughout the entire procession. The burial had been even worse and I hadn't been able to contain myself, I'd wept openly once again.
Here in the car though, I maintained the same stoic expression I'd carried at the funeral. Luka kept throwing confused glances my way but I deflected them wearily. As we pulled up in front of the hotel I allowed Luka to escort me out of the car and into our room. I pulled the suit off quickly, throwing it to the floor and climbed into flannel pajama pants and a tank top.
I slipped beneath the covers of the bed and pressed my body up against Luka's. Rubbing his chest with my hands I moved over his body. He reached around my shoulders and for a moment I thought he was going to pull me closer. Instead he pushed me off of himself.
"Abby." He said; his voice forbidding.
I tried again, but he moved away, "Abby, don't." he said firmly, "You're in pain, you're trying to cope. Not tonight."
I hit him, hard, on the chest and threw off the covers, storming to the side of the room.
"Wow Luka, so supportive, when it comes to what I want, you don't give a damn!"
He knew better than to fuel the fire with words so he remained silent, letting me release my pent up anger and frustration. I stormed about, swearing a blue streak and mouthing off. Finally I sank into a chair on the opposing side of the room. Luka watched as I turned to face the other way.
The more I sat, and the more I thought, I released I had been doing the wrong thing, he'd pushed me away to protect me. The more I considered it, the guiltier I felt. After a few mere moments I stood up and watched to the bed, my back stiff. He offered me a hand as I climbed into bed, but I disregarded it, pulling the covers up and snuggling close to his warm body.
"Thanks Luka."
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The week after the funeral I fell deep into a catatonic state, I couldn't sleep, I ate rarely, I couldn't drink and I couldn't focus. I could see the worry in Luka's eyes but he knew better than to say anything. I knew what worried him most was my hospital performance, only a day previous I had nearly killed a patient and been sent home.
They'd given me a week off work, knowing I wouldn't be able to function. I'd ignored Luka for the past few days and I'd taken to locking myself in the bedroom and lying in bed, staring at the wall. I was always tired but could never sleep. I hadn't gotten dressed either; I lay around the house in pajamas and tried to wipe Eric's lifeless face out of my mind.
It also worried me that I had been like Eric's mother. I had been his mother. Maggie hadn't been present so I had taken over the role of mother. I wondered briefly if I had had something to do with his death and whether the way I brought my child up would lead them to their death.
I hugged a pillow close and closed my eyes. I'd cried so much my eyes were dry; I had no more tears to shed. I rubbed my belly and my lower lip trembled. I wasn't ready, I couldn't deal with this. I felt alone and scared. No matter how close Luka got, he would never be Eric.
I traced the outline of the pillow pattern with my finger. Life really sucked, it had to suck to take someone as young as Eric. It was hard to believe he'd lived through the air force only to die in a car accident. I knew that car accidents claimed more lives than airplane accidents but still…you never really think it'll happen to someone you know. Never.
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I lay on the couch, musing. My stomach had been a little off and I'd begun to feel achy, the pregnancy wasn't all fun and games anymore. I pulled the quilt from the couch over myself and tried to get comfortable.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Luka enter the room. I sat up and allowed to sit down, when he had settled himself on the couch I lay my head down in his lap. He reached out and stroked my hair back with his hand. The motion soothed me and my eyelids drooped. I let them fall, knowing full well this was the first I'd slept in at least 24 hours. His hands worked through my hair and down my back, washing away my angry feelings and driving me into a deep sleep.
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When I woke again, I was in our bed; Luka must have carried me up after I had fallen asleep. I was breathing heavily and my mind raced, it'd been a dream. I'd dreamt I was in the car with Eric, I'd dreamt I saw him die. Suddenly the tears were back and streaming down my face. I felt Luka shift but he didn't wake. As I sobbed a dull pain shot through my back. I ignored it and tried to stem the flowing tears.
Then I felt it again, a sharp pain drove its way through my abdomen, leaving me nauseous and dizzy. As I shifted I felt the sheets were damp beneath me. Standing up I looked at the bed and felt my face drain of color as I saw a deep crimson stain on the sheets, it wasn't big but it was enough to scare me.
I saw Luka turn in bed and he must have seen how pale and tearful I was because the next moment he was up on his feet next to me.
"Abby? Abby! What is it?"
My voice trembled, "The baby…I'm bleeding."
I looked down and noted that my pajama bottoms were stained with the same deep crimson color that was on the sheets.
I heard Luka swear and watched unconsciously as he grabbed my coat and his, tossed his on, helped me into mine then slipped on his shoes.
The moment I went to move, my knees buckled and I would have fallen had Luka not been there to catch me. He slipped his arm beneath my knees and in one smooth movement lifted me up and carried me out to the car.
He settled me in and climbed in himself then tore away from the parking lot.
I reached out quietly for his hand, for any reassurance he had to give. He took my hand in his and squeezed it firmly; trying to tell me it would be ok.
My mind had flown from Eric to the baby. I was bleeding, didn't that mean a miscarriage? Didn't that mean death?
When we arrived at the ER, he picked me up again and carried me into the reception area, "Jerry! I need a doctor!" he yelled as we entered.
My eyes swam, but I saw Sam and Neela run towards us with a gurney then heard Neela yell,
"Jerry, page Dr. Janet Coburn, she should be in the hospital."
Luka lowered me onto the gurney and Sam pushed me behind a curtain. I barely felt Neela remove my clothes and change me into a hospital gown.
I could feel Luka's hand over mine and I could hear anxious voices. I wanted to cry, scream, sob…but I couldn't do anything. I was too scared. My chest felt heavy as I took in each breath and my grip on Luka's hand tightened. He leaned near my and I could feel his hot breath on my cheek as he whispered in my ear. For the life of me I couldn't figure out what he was saying.
Neela was doing something, prepping me for Dr. Coburn? I turned my head so I didn't have to face any of them and I bit my lip. I could feel the burning tears and I had a hard lump in my throat. I couldn't stop thinking about how I hadn't wanted to keep this baby. I wondered if I had done this…
Dr. Coburn came in and I could see that her face was lined with worry. I panicked as I saw her. I couldn't keep the tears at bay, but I didn't care. What mattered most was the baby. That thought scared me…it was almost motherly!
I saw Neela and Sam leave as Dr. Coburn did the exam. It hurt but I kept quiet, not knowing what to say. I became aware that my hands were clamped tightly over Luka's, my fingernails leaving deep red marks on his skin. I released his hand slightyly. He looked at me and his warm eyes penetrated deep into mine, cutting past the secrecy and only seeing fear.
I felt Dr. Coburn release me and watched as she snapped her gloves off. Her face was grave but she didn't look as worried as I would have expected.
"Abby, you're experiencing a threatened miscarriage." The word miscarriage scared me and I felt the tears again.
She saw my agitation and pressed on, "Abby, it's ok. You haven't lost the baby but there is a risk. This is a slightly uncommon occurrence but I've seen more than a few of them in my career. A threatened miscarriage causes bleeding and cramping and can mimic a miscarriage. Fortunately the baby is still inside the uterus. It has some causes but in this case I feel there was no specific factor that set it off. Though you didn't have a full miscarriage you are still at risk of a complete miscarriage. I want you on bed rest for the next two weeks. After that you come back, see me again and I will tell you if you can go back to work. To confirm my diagnosis I do want to do an ultrasound, are you ready to see your baby?"
She looked up at Luka and I. My eyes were red and my cheeks had tear stains on them, but they were from relief. I looked at Luka and nodded. He smiled back at me, knowing as I did, that this incident had woken me up, that I now knew that even though I was mourning Eric's death I couldn't forget to take care of myself and the baby.
Dr. Coburn pulled the machine over and spread the cool gel over my stomach.
"Hmm, you've gained a little weight there now Abby. It's a little early but I'm not too worried."
I nodded, peering at the dark screen as she went to flick it on. A dark, shadowy image appeared on the screen and I squinted, trying to see the child in the shadows.
Janet smiled, "Ah, there you go! That's why you've put on a little more weight than usual."
I raised an eyebrow as Janet continued, "Alright look there," she outlined a little peanut shape, "This is your baby and here…" She allowed her finger to move to the other side of the screen, "Is your second baby, you're pregnant with twins."
I turned to face Luka, licking my lips slowly and nodding, "Twins…twins Luka! You…I swear, I will kill you!" I must have looked serious because his already meek face paled.
"Well Abby, it's not that bad. Two for one deal…" he suggested.
"Luka! These are our children; it's not a two for one deal!"
As Janet turned of the ultrasound and wiped the gel from my stomach Luka sat down beside me on the bed, "Abby, just think! Two babies, two beautiful babies."
The shock was beginning to wear off and as I thought about it, the idea seemed to grow on me. I touched my belly with my hand and looked up at Dr. Coburn,
"You're sure there are two of them in there?" I wondered.
She nodded and put her hand on my stomach, "Here," she said, moving her hand to the top of my belly, "Is baby A." She moved her hand lower on my stomach, "And here is baby B. Think about whether you want to do this, but we can find out the sex of the babies in another 4 weeks."
I nodded slowly, "Does this cover our 12 week appointment?"
"Yes, everything seems to be fine but Abby I want you to take it easy, no physically or emotionally demanding tasks! I'll see you in two weeks."
I managed a weak smile, "Thanks Dr. Coburn."
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I was silent on the ride home, thinking over the news we'd just received, Luka seemed to be doing the same thing.
Finally I spoke up, "So, twins huh?"
He nodded, "I honestly couldn't have seen that coming."
I reached out for his hand once again and rested my head on his shoulder. "It's ok though, I think we'll be ok."
He kissed my forehead, "I'm sure we'll be fine."
I spoke out again, "I think we should go to a prenatal class."
He shrugged, "If you want to."
I nodded and he smiled, "Then we'll go."
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When I crept out of the shower the next morning, I stood in front of the mirror and looked at my body,
I turned back to the mirror and rubbed my stomach, I felt nauseous but I fought the feeling. "Luka, I don't know if I'm ready for this. When are we going to tell everyone? I mean Neela already knows but what about everyone else?"
Luka's face paled suddenly, "Oh Damn."
I looked up at him in surprise, "What is it Luka?"
He buried his face in his hands, "Sam, I didn't talk to Sam. She knows now, she found out when you were in the hospital. Damn it!"
I chewed my lip thoughtfully, "In some ways it's good she found out but you should probably talk to her."
He nodded slowly and I told him to go talk to her. He hesitated at first but after a little nudge he left without a word.
When he had gone I decided to call Neela, I hadn't spoken to her in a while and I knew she probably wasn't doing too well.
The phone rang once before I heard her accent come through the phone, "Hello?"
"Hey Neela, how're you doing?"
"Oh, hey Abby. I'm ok. How did the rest of your appointment go?"
I sighed, "Well I guess I have some new news. We're having twins."
I heard Neela cry out, "Oh Abby that's great!"
I smiled, "Yeah I guess it is, so how are things with you and Micheal?"
I heard the hesitation in her voice as she began, "He's leaving again, in three weeks. He volunteered to go back and they accepted him right away."
"Oh Neela, I'm sorry."
Her voice wavered, "It's ok, I know it's what he wants and I know I should be happy but it's just hard."
"I know Neela, I know. Look if you ever need someone to talk to call me ok? I'm likely going to be here. I can't pull myself away from the bathroom between having to throw up and pee all the time."
I heard her laugh, "Thanks Abby. Oh, and by the way. I got surgical, I start next week."
"Congratulations Neela!"
She sounded pleased and we talked for a little longer, until I heard Luka at the front door, "Hey Neela, Luka's home so I better go but don't hesitate to give me a call!"
She promised she would then I hung up, going to find Luka.
He was sitting in the kitchen sipping at one of the few beers he kept around the house.
"That bad huh?" I asked gently.
He shrugged, "Ah, she was just a little offended I didn't tell her."
I nodded, "That's ok Luka, but really you don't have to apologize, it wasn't really her business to know we were pregnant."
He nodded, "I know, but it's still a little difficult."
He slipped his arm around me and pulled me closer. I leaned into his, laying my head on his shoulder. As he leaned in to kiss me I felt my stomach lurch and pushed him away quickly,
"Sorry Luka, love to but I'm three months pregnant and I have to go throw up now."
TBC…
Alright, thanks for reading! If you want, I'll take name suggestions…always looking for new ideas. Let me know if you have suggestions and please REVIEW!
