A/N: Hahahaha! Dead Ringers… Jack Sparrow… the Cutty Sark… and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory trailers… Yes, the life of me is fun filled at the mo. And, let me explain what I mean. (with helpful footnotes to the Americans who have probably never heard of Dead Ringers, and anyone else looking blankly at the screen and scratching their heads)
On Monday (the 13th December) Dead Ringers 1 showed a sketch of one of their people as the lovely Jack Sparrow 2 down by the Cutty Sark 3 talking about Captain Pugwash 4 and Captain Birdseye 5 and then goes up to these mounted policemen 6 and goes 'you 'aven't seen me' and wanders off. They had the walk pretty good, but so much prosthetics I thought I was watching Bo Selecta 7 and the voice wasn't very good, but it was bloody funny. You should have seen the looks he was getting from various scared members of the public. Including the police. Full marks for trying! And giving me something to talk about to my friends for the rest of the day…
1 Satirical comedy sketch show, in which the rich famous and George Bush are impersonated by impressionists. Incredibly scarily funny. Go to and take a look -plugs like mad-
2 If you don't know who this is, you are stupid and need to go, or I will hunt you down and make you watch S Club 7. Endlessly.
3 Famous old ship moored in Greenwich London England.
4 Fictional pirate who was a bit soft and had a pirate enemy that made him want to give up pirating and become a gardener every time he thought about him. Had a smart cabin boy called Tom and a bosun that was always asleep. By John Ryan. Check it out if you can.
5 Makes fishfingers and other frozen goods. Looks like a sailor version of Santa and talks like Gibbs. Probably is related to Gibbs in some distant way –ponders relationship between Gibbs and Captain Birdseye-
6 Stop sniggering you dirty minded whelp! Police on horses. They look pretty for the tourists in London.
7 Comedy sketch show where people like Craig David and Michael Jackson wearing a large rubber mask. Also has Avid Merrian, stalker of the stars. Don't ask. Its not worth it…
And as for the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory trailer… me and my friend were having quiet hysterics over it… Hurrah!
So, no more rambling and piddling about. On with the fic! (Readers: Finally!)
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Ida found Angela tied to a post near the harbour. There was general pandemonium. Men, women and children were wandering about in the general direction of the docks. Ida looped Queenie's reins onto the post sloppily and followed them.
"What's going on?" she asked a passing fishwife
"Pirates dear," the fishwife hurried on. Ida followed. Closer to the dock, there were men with any weapon they could lay their hands on, women were bawling for their kids to come in doors and children were wandering around picking pockets and gawping.
After some questioning, she found Suzi down on the docks watching intently.
"It was over as soon as they stepped off the ship. Apparently, they've been hanging around a lot." She sighed. "They'll hang come morning. Look, here they come,"
the pirates were in a long line with the captain at the front. He walked like he had been hit over the head. Maybe he had. He caught her eye and winked. Ida blushed and he smiled leeringly. Suzi nudged her smirking, but then something stopped her. She stared at a pirate with an eyepatch, and then laughed quietly. Then stopped again
"They can't have… Oh god…" then she shouldered back through the crowd, leaving Ida to follow. Suzi helped her onto Queenie in a daze, then lead them back in the same sort of trance.
That night Suzi was very quiet and went to bed early. Her father looked worried but carried on as usual.
Ida sat in her room, writing in her journal. She heard a thump outside. She went to the balcony and looked down. Out of the bushes in the garden a figure popped up, muttering. Then it popped down and disappeared. Ida strained her eyes. She leant out. The greasy barrel of a gun pressed against her temple and a rough hand pressed against her mouth, stifling her scream.
"I'm gonna take away my hand, but not the gun. You scream, I'll blow yer brains out. Right?"
The hand was taken away, and Ida got ready to scream again. The gun was rammed so hard against her head it hurt.
"Don't. Scream. I told you that,"
She didn't and turned around slowly
"Suzi?"
"Shh. You're coming with me." Suzi looked at her critically. She still wasn't changed into her night clothes. Before Ida had realised what had happened, Suzi had got out a knife and slashed her clothes. The top two layers fell off round her.
"My clothes! You-,"
"Look, who's got the gun here? Shh, miss," Suzi smiled. It wasn't a particularly nice smile. It was the smile of someone who was under a lot of stress, and didn't need this. She went to the table Ida had been writing at and tore a page out. She looked almost bored. She went back over to Ida.
"Come on. I need you to write something for me,"
Suzi moved quickly through the night, holding firmly onto Ida's wrist. Ida fought back tears as she stumbled over the cobbles and mud. It had rained earlier and she splashed water and worse up her skirts. Finally she tripped, and sat sobbing. Suzi dealt a rough slap, which shocked her into stopping.
"Come on miss," she was hauled roughly upright. Suzi stopped for a moment. She handed her a handkerchief. "Enough of that miss. There isn't time at the moment,"
Ida mopped her face and they started again.
Finally they reached Suzi's goal.
"The fort?"
"Shush miss, they'll hear us," Suzi looked round the corner "Stay here," and disappeared. There was a gasp, and a thump, and Suzi reappeared. She had a bundle of cloth in her arms and a hipflask in one hand. She unscrewed the flask and splashed it on Ida
"What do you think you are doing you horrid vulgar thing!" Ida looked down at her damp dress.
"Getting in. Take a mouthful of that," Suzi passed it to her and Ida, seeing she had no choice, let a little of the liquid into her mouth. It was sticky and sweet and burnt her throat and mouth like fire. She could feel it crawl down to her stomach and coughed. Suzi took the flask off her and took a mouthful. Then she tucked it away and put on the hat she had taken off the guard, along with his coat, musket and wig. She hardly looked the part, but in the half light, you couldn't really tell.
"Come along miss,"
As they walked out into plain view, Suzi's stance changed. She walked quicker, and in such a way that Ida staggered.
"Giggle a bit miss," Ida obeyed, trying to sound like she wasn't scared and tired. Suzi marched up to the front door. The guards carried on playing cards, just glancing up and waving them through. Suzi led her down a corridor full of doors and into one particular one.
"Here, help me out." She passed Ida an armful of cutlasses.
"What are these for?" Suzi didn't answer, just continued to pick up swords and guns and knives.
"When pirates are captured, they keep the weapons and sell 'em to rich types with more money than sense, as conversation pieces." She imitated them scornfully "this was Captain Teach's cutlass. Dreadful man truly dreadful," she spat. "Come on,"
They carried on round winding stairs to the bottom. There were voices and quiet laughter. The pirates were crowded into two cells and sat stood or lay talking, playing cards and sleeping. No one spoke of tomorrow. One pirate, who had only one eye, winked and grinned at Ida. She blushed furiously. They stopped when Suzi threw down her load.
"I'm looking for Jack Sparrow," she announced in a loud ringing voice.
"Who's asking?" it was the man who had winked at Ida at the docks.
"Your best chance at escaping," replied Suzi.
A/N: OK. Well. There's a thing. Hehe… I got reviews! I want some more. And there's a little button at the bottom, that if you press, then all your dreams will come true. And I didn't get any for the last one. Please review that one… Please? Do it for the pirate in you.
