A Mite Unpredictable
Chapter Seven
Far too Many Face Offs
By RingPrincess
A/N Any and all wrenches in this chapter are dedicated to earthwhatwere. I know this is rather quick, don't expect it all the time. But I couldn't leave you in suspense considering where I left off. Cruel, yes, but not THAT cruel.
"Thief! Man-stealer! Hussy!" River shouted.
Saffron's head came around Jayne's neck.
River lunged forward. "Jien hwo."
Jayne managed to barely catch her about the waist. Saffron stumbled back. She tumbled onto Jayne's bunk.
"You and her?" She gasped.
River kept shouting epitaphs in her direction, each getting relatively more ancient but more creative as she went. She wriggled in Jayne's arms but didn't want to hurt him.
"No fightin' in my bunk!"
Saffron threw her head back began to laugh.
Jayne and River froze.
"She's a child." Saffron's eyes narrowed. "Jayne, don't you want a woman?"
"I'm more of a woman than you are!" River shouted. "Better suited, all you'll do is use him and drop him, crazy whore!"
"Half formed child!" Saffron shouted back.
"Incompetent hag."
Jayne decided it was past time to interrupt. "Gorram it. Git out!" He yelled over them.
--
Mal and Inara broke apart and looked down the hall towards Jayne's bunk.
"What in ruttin' hell?" Mal muttered.
"That means you!" River's voice drifted to them.
"I was here first." Saffron shouted back.
"Initial presence doesn't equate precedence."
"Git both of you!" Jayne shouted.
Mal stepped away from Inara. His jaw tensed. Inara sighed and placed her head in her hands. "We ain't done here." He told her and strode down the hall till he was leaning over Jayne's bunk. "Ni men dou bi zui!" Silence fell over the bunk. Mal glared down. "Jayne!"
"It weren't my fault!"
"You care to explain why you have two bickering women in your bunk."
"Not unless you care to explain why one of them is your wife." Jayne replied.
"She ain't my wife!" Mal shouted.
"But honey," Saffron pouted. "I have to get my loving somewhere and you just aren't cutting it."
Mal rolled his eyes. "Everybody, out. And you all better have clothes on."
"I wanna shower." Jayne complained.
"Now!" Mal ordered.
"Hussy first," River added.
Saffron sighed. "I can't believe this."
Mal stared at the wall above Jayne's door. "Saffron!"
"Oh fine." She pouted and Mal moved away from the door, un-holstering his gun. Once she was out, he gestured her to the side with the barrel.
"River, albatross, you next."
"Need to talk with Jayne."
"Albatross, I'm not messing around here."
"He's got his gun out," Saffron said.
"Darling, up." Jayne said.
Saffron choked. "Darling," she whispered.
Mal scowled.
"No," River stomped her foot.
There was a sound of opening and slamming of drawers.
"Last chance," Jayne's voice drifted up. A pause, "All right then."
"Ape!" River shouted. "Put me down." River suddenly screeched. "Jayne!"
Mal blinked as Jayne came up the ladder, River draped over his back, held there by his arm around her ankles.
"Stop you're complaining." He muttered as he carefully finished leaving his bunk so he wouldn't hit her head on anything.
River's hands hit the deck and she wriggled her ankles out from his grip and flipped to her feet. "Not dignified."
Jayne snorted. "Wasn't supposed to be."
"Mess," Mal ordered. "Now." His face was not happy.
River bit her lip and nodded. Jayne headed towards the mess without comment. River was hard on his heels, her hand reaching for his arm. Saffron glared at Mal but gathered her skirts and followed.
Mal holstered his gun. He kept his hand on it as he entered the kitchen. "I have rules on this boat, and I recall being pretty clear about them rules." His gaze traversed the trio.
Jayne crossed his arms. "Psychotic bride there was trying to seduce me! It's not my fault."
Saffron laughed. "You wanted me."
Jayne glared at her. "You ain't supposed to be out of the passenger dorms. I don't want you."
Mal looked at River. "Albatross?"
"Needed to talk to Jayne." She titled her head at him, a lock of hair swinging across her eyes.
"Of course you wanted me. If you hadn't wanted me you would've moved away." Saffron sneered.
"There ain't that much room." Jayne protested.
River calmly moved in front of Saffron. "My kung fu is better than yours."
Saffron's nostrils flared and she began a strike at River. Jayne caught her wrist.
"Enough games," Mal barked. "Jayne let Saffron go." He glared at Saffron. "Now my patience is wearing mighty thin. So why don't you tell us the reason you're actually here."
Jayne let go of Saffron's wrist and tugged River by the shoulder closer to him.
Saffron straightened, letting her hand drop languidly. "Really Mal, it's not something I want to talk about in such a public place."
"Will my shuttle do?" Inara stepped forward.
Mal looked over at her, his eyebrows rose. Inara nodded. "Lead the way." He gestured. "River, Jayne, I gave you orders." He left them standing in the kitchen. A few moments later, "Zoë, please come to Inara's shuttle," was heard over the ship-wide intercom.
Jayne dropped River's wrist and departed from the mess back to the cargo bay. River stared at his retreating back.
"You're running away!" She shouted.
"No. I ain't." Jayne shouted back.
River's forehead pinched and she went after him. "Disagreement. We must talk."
"No. We don't."
River paused at the door of the cargo bay, her eyes getting accustomed to the brighter light. "She was seducing you and you were letting her!" She marched into the bay. "If I hadn't come, you would've…" she drifted off and shook her head. "Not important."
"Then we don't need to talk." Jayne spun on his heel and continued towards wherever he was going. River refrained from stomping her foot. She shook her head violently and followed after him, pausing only to pick up a wrench from a nearby box.
"Not important enough to be first!" River said and swung the wrench.
Jayne staggered as it hit him in the arm with just enough force to leave a bruise. "What the fuck!" He whirled about and tried to grab the wrench as it swung for him again, but had to back away lest he be hit.
"Ape-man will pay attention."
Jayne backed up again, his eyes on the swinging wrench. "This ain't happening and we ain't having this conversation."
"Can't know what I want to talk about, so we will have this conversation if I have to break your legs to keep you here." She wiggled the wrench for emphasis.
"I need my legs the way they are."
"Then listen!"
"Then ruttin' say something that makes sense!"
"Won't talk to me, avoids me, can't feel anything, can't hear anything." River began to breathe heavily. "Then finds another woman in his bunk."
"That weren't my fault."
"That's not the point," River screeched and waved the wrench in the air. Jayne took off, River hard on his heels wrench still high above her head. Jayne dashed up the stairs, across the catwalk and back down the stairs. River was on his heels. He ran around and found the stairs again, his panicked mind unable to remember that to get away from her he had to go in another direction. Or maybe the sight of watching her chase him around with a wrench was too embarrassing to let others in on it.
They ran around and up the catwalk a few more times until River got wise to what Jayne was doing. She stopped and ran the opposite direction, until they came face to face in the middle of the catwalk. Jayne skidded to a halt and grabbed her wrist trying to wrestle the wrench away from her. He twisted it and she cried out. The wrench clattered to the grate between them and they jumped apart glaring at each other.
--
Saffron rubbed the fine red upholstery of Inara's couch. Inara sat nearby, her hands whisking tea. Mal stood at the door and Zoë sat on a chair next to the curtain that hid Inara's cortex screen. Mal's eyes flickered to Inara's hands and then to Saffron's face.
"So, start talking." He said as Inara poured the tea.
Saffron settled back into her seat. "Badger has an ulterior motive for transporting us to Regina."
Inara rolled her eyes and Mal stared at Saffron. "Beyond the obvious." He added.
Saffron sighed. "Every one of the girls, including me, that Badger is paying you to transport are professional thieves as well as-"
"Whores." Inara finished.
Saffron glared at her. "Whores," she conceded. "The situation isn't as interesting though as the take, four million square of fine gems from Regina's finest jewelers, cut but unset for non-identification sake." Saffron looked between all of them. "The job is actually four to take place simultaneously. The gems, once stolen would be set among pastes and taken off world through our regular luggage. Gifts from satisfied clients."
"But you want to change the plan." Zoë said.
"I have the blue prints, security codes and the expertise to get the goods. I need a transport off Regina to my buyer on Ariel."
"Ambitious." Mal nodded. "Four million square. Last time we dealt it was one million square."
"You cut me out of that deal quite nicely. I have to make up for my losses."
Mal's eyebrows rose. "You saw me naked. You also betrayed us first, rigging my boat to blow and leaving me in the middle of the desert."
"But you planned for that," Saffron glared at Inara.
"That I did." Mal nodded. "Doesn't make me trust you anymore. Just proves I can out think you."
"Oh please," Inara whispered.
"So what does this have to do with my mercenary?" Mal crossed his arms.
Saffron fidgeted. "He likes money. He likes whores."
"And?"
"Oh come on, Reynolds." Saffron tossed her hair. "If I told you what was going on I doubt you would have listened to me."
"And you think Jayne putting in a good word would get me to think better of you." Mal half laughed.
"Better than nothing!"
"Jayne doesn't know how to put in a good word without sticking his foot in his mouth half a dozen times." Mal retorted. "The man offered to trade you for a rifle, gorram it. Though now I think I was getting the better end of the deal."
"Four million square," Saffron reminded.
"He tried to trade you for a rifle!"
--
River and Jayne glared at each other from opposite railings of the catwalk. Jayne crossed his arms and leaned against the railing.
"Can't feel you, can't hear you."
"You mean in your head."
"Yes!"
"That's the way it's supposed to be. I can't feel your feelings either and you don't see me shoutin' about it. Just cause you're all messed up in the brainpan doesn't mean the rest of us are. Welcome to part of being normal."
"Can still feel others, but not yours." She poked her finger at his chest. "I can't hear go se."
"Well, that just evens things right out."
"Haven't heard anything since they got aboard! So, must be that Jayne is having thoughts about them he doesn't want me to know about, cause Jayne likes whores. Whores who don't expect kisses on the mouth."
Jayne stiffened. "Kissin' ain't what this is about."
River ignored him. "All the love surrounds me and drowns me and I can't tell if it's mine or theirs because I can't feel you. We connected but now it's broken."
"Not this feelings le se."
"Feelings are not le se!"
"You ain't goin' to be poking about in my head. It's not a place where you need to be."
"I like your head." River whispered, then stiffened voice rising. "You're avoiding me! You won't talk to me, dance with me, play."
"You heard Mal."
"Since when did you care what Captain says, if I can't feel you, you have to show me, be with me! Contact, this is important!"
"Yes, it is, but with Mal hovering. We can't do a gorram thing!"
River froze, staring at Jayne. The shuttle door opened.
--
Mal glared at Saffron. "So, this comes down to you wanting to double cross Badger."
Saffron nodded.
"Sir?"
Mal looked to Zoë. "Yes, Zoë."
"The man richly deserves it."
Mal narrowed his eyes. "We've had our fair share of troubles with Badger. The latest of which being Die-Yo-Saff-Bridge here."
Zoë nodded.
Saffron rolled her eyes.
"Doesn't mean we still can't take the job." Zoë tapped her thigh.
"Money?" Mal's eyebrows rose.
"Boredom." Zoë countered.
Mal looked at Inara. "Inara?"
"You're the captain."
Mal snorted and looked to Saffron. "Bring me the information."
He turned and opened the door behind him, stomping out onto the catwalk. He walked between Jayne and River's staring contest without noticing until he kicked the wrench. It spun in circles falling over the side and tumbled to the cargo deck below with a large clang. River and Jayne jumped slightly.
Mal stopped and turned about. He looked over the catwalk at the wrench and back at his muscle experts. "Having bolt problems?"
River didn't look away from Jayne. "Needed to insert information into thick craniums."
"Just don't bend the wrench." Mal walked away.
"Hey!" Jayne shifted on his feet.
"And I'm not cleaning up any messes." Mal called back.
Zoë barely nodded to them as she left and Inara practically shoved Saffron out the door as she headed after Mal. They had unfinished business.
Saffron fiddled with her fingers as the shuttle door closed behind her. She took the few paces to stand next to Jayne and reached out to lay a hand on his arm. She looked up at him through her lashes. River stiffened as Jayne unconsciously looked at her. "Jayne, I need your help." She pouted.
"Corporeal female with prior claim in radius." River hissed.
Saffron ignored her and pressed her body to Jayne's. "You like money right. I can get you money, lots of money."
River's eyes narrowed and she grabbed Saffron's free arm and yanked her away from Jayne, using her other hand to chop down on the offending wrist touching Jayne's arm. She shoved her away from him. "Hands off."
Saffron cradled her wrist. "You can have him back when I'm done. I promise."
Jayne's eyes widened and he stood up straight.
River took one step forward and delivered one of her high devastating kicks that Jayne remembered oh so well from the Maidenhead. Saffron stumbled back, falling to her backside and scrambling backwards. She regained her feet and ran for the cargo deck floor.
River jumped the rail and landed in front of her, rising and spinning her elbows out. Saffron blocked the blows on her arms. She punched River, who grabbed her wrist and pivoted to place Saffron behind her and kicked straight upwards into her face. Saffron lost her balance and River threw her over her shoulder.
Saffron's hands scrambled to the side and reached the fallen wrench. She swung upwards and River slammed it between the flats of her hands just before her nose. She twisted them to the side and twisted the wrench out of Saffron's hands, flinging it to the side. It clattered against one of the walls, reverberating throughout the ship. Saffron rose with a three-punch combo, driving River away from her. River used the momentum to flip backwards and scraped Saffron's chin while she got away.
The clang brought the crew from all over the ship. River spun and kicked Saffron again.
"Jayne!" Mal barked.
"You think I'm crazy!" Jayne shouted back. "I've been on the receivin' end before. It hurts."
Saffron grabbed River's leg and pulled her off balance.
Mal sighed and pulled his gun. Zoë did the same. They cocked them at the same time, resulting in a large click and an instant end of the fight. The two glared at each other, chests heaving.
"This is getting tedious." Mal said.
River crossed her arms. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."
"I wasn't scorning you!" Saffron shouted.
"Enough!" Mal ordered. "This is the way it is. Saffron you go back to the passenger dorms. River, you go relieve Meg on the bridge and Jayne-"
"I'll be in my bunk." Jayne growled and stomped away. River straightened her shoulders and with a last glare at Saffron headed towards the bridge.
Zoë holstered her gun.
"A smooth, easy transport." Mal muttered. "Do I jinx myself?"
Meg leaned against the catwalk railing. Her arms crossed over it and butt in the air. "I wouldn't know, captain." Her braid slipped around her neck, showing off a large plaid ribbon bow holding the end.
Mal dropped his gun back in his holster and then looked at Saffron. "You got someplace else to be?"
Saffron huffed and returned the passenger dorms.
"You're sister is turning back into a large problem." Mal whirled to Simon.
"And this is my fault because?" Simon's eyebrow rose. He didn't seem to notice that the first three buttons of his shirt were undone, as were the cuffs.
"You were supposed to control her."
"If you haven't noticed, nobody controls River, except River." Simon shrugged. "That's the way it's always been."
Mal glared at him. "Well, she's caused quite the ruckus on my boat."
"But still is a valuable asset during jobs." Simon said. "I don't understand her either."
"Keep her away from Saffron."
"How?" Inara interjected. "The boat isn't that big, Mal. Plus, she sleeps in the passenger dorms, since neither her nor Simon have bunks like the rest of the crew."
"Ain't enough bunks to go around."
Kaylee tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "Simon could always share mine."
Silence descended and Simon flushed.
"And when River has a nightmare?" Mal asked. There was more silence. "So, riding right past that suggestion. Just keep River and Saffron apart."
"What am I supposed to do? Hide her?" Simon's jaw dropped.
"Do what you must." Mal glared. "Just keep them apart and out of my hair."
"Sir, Saffron's left the passenger dorms before. Doesn't mean she'll stick to them now. No matter what, they'll run into each other, if only at meals." Zoë pointed out.
"For what you're asking, one of them would have to leave the ship. And since Saffron's paying, it'd have to be River and there's no place for her to go." Meg added. "Unless." She paused. "Well, never mind."
Mal's eyes narrowed. "Unless what?"
"Well, we're passing a planet pretty soon that a shuttle could reach." Meg shrugged. "I could divert us a little out of our course to make it an easier flight without loss of time."
"She can't go alone." Simon crossed his arms. "She recently was a federal fugitive and not everyone will have heard that the reward's been revoked."
"Meg." Mal looked up at her.
"Captain?"
"Go set your course."
Meg nodded and pushed away from the rail.
"And tell albatross to go pack a bag for a few days."
Meg lifted a hand in a mock salute to her forehead and with a sharp click of her heels she turned and marched back to the bridge.
"Zoë, Kaylee, prep the shuttle." Mal paused. "And then go to the mess. We've some thievin' to be plannin' and some little weasels to be hurtin'."
"Wait, who's going with River?" Simon asked.
"Well, as much as I'd like it to be you. I'm figuring we're going to need your special skill set here, Doc." Mal paused. "Which means it's going to have to be Jayne."
"Jayne!"
--
P.S. I'd like to thank everyone who dutifully points out my grammar and words in strange places mistakes. This is what I get for posting late at night when I terribly tired and haven't had a chance to re read the chapter. I will go back and fix it. Eventually, I swear.
