Please forgive my late post. I had a horrible migraine all day yesterday so looking at my screen was not on my to do list.
/BPOV/
It was a week and a half since I'd been to La Push. Embry, Quil and Jessica were sitting around me on logs on First Beach to celebrate Embry's birthday. Jessica had warmed up to him and while they weren't official yet, they made plans to go to the prom together.
They were actually really cute around each other. I had never seen Jess so happy before, I just wish she would see it and commit already. I knew what it was like to stay away from your wolf, and it was not fun, even when said wolf was not acting himself because of damage to his brain.
Nobody brought up Jake, or his progress trying to figure out why his wolf seemed to be a separate entity inside of him and I tried to keep busy so my mind wouldn't wander.
Most of my time was spent preparing for finals and graduation and I refused to put any thought into where I would go when the house renovation started. It would just be easier that way, for now at least because anytime I thought of Jake, I was a mix of apprehension and sorrow. I missed him, but the Jake I knew was gone. The Jake that took his place was not one I wanted to be near.
Life was finally calming down a lot and I felt like I might actually have a future.
/JPOV/
"Isn't today Embry's birthday?" I asked Sam, who was helping me study for exams. Everyone wanted to make sure I didn't get held back and I definitely appreciated it. Luckily I seemed to know basic stuff still.
"Yeah, he bugging you to buy him something nice too?"
"No. What are you talking about?"
"He keeps asking me to buy him some stupid video game thing for his birthday. I keep saying no, and he keeps insisting that "big brother" needs to take care of his siblings."
"No, he hasn't said anything like that to me."
"Then who told you it was his birthday?"
"Uh… no one." I didn't even realise it was in my memory until Sam gave me an odd look. "I guess I remembered it."
"That's amazing news. And the wolf?"
"Still there." I said, hearing a growl but not nearly as bad as when Bella was around. More whimpers than anything.
Nobody brought up Bella around me anymore and it made it easier to concentrate and get school work done. I still wasn't phasing though. Last thing I needed was to let my mind wander and have everyone see what kind of a person I'd been lately. I KNEW it wasn't the real me, but it still hurt knowing how close I'd come to… Even thinking about it made me nearly puke.
"Exams are in a week, I need to keep focused until after that, at the very least. Even with some of my memory returning, I can't get distracted with Bella."
"Agreed. I won't tell her. She needs to focus on hers as well, they're in June."
When I finished studying for the day. I decided to go for a walk and see if I could find Embry to wish him a happy birthday. Another memory, I spent every birthday with him, as far as I could remember, even back when we were babies.
I as I turned down the path to First Beach, the wind shifted, and all I could smell was Bella. Shit. She smelled so good and it was not what I needed right now. Against everything I felt, I followed the scent down the path and saw her sitting on a log with Embry, his imprint, who I couldn't remember yet, and Quil, who I realised I could remember small details, mostly from when we were much younger, similar to my memories of Embry.
As I stood there, at the edge of the trees, I could hear her laughing and as stupid as it sounded, it was like bells to my ears. Her voice drew me in and the wolf practically yelled at me to go to her, be with her.
"Hey." Leah said, quietly behind me. I was so entranced by Bella that I never even heard Leah approach.
"Hey."
"Penny for your thoughts?" she asked, and I almost laughed, if only it wouldn't attract unwanted attention from Bella.
"She's too good for me."
"You know, I can vouch as both imprinted and imprinter that being away from her is probably doing you and her more harm than good."
"That's not the case for us. I can't be around her not after… I just need time to figure out who I am again."
"Ok, so have you asked her how she feels about it?"
"No… I can't… there's too much I just can't say." It was true. I couldn't talk about what happened.
"Well, you need to talk to someone, and there isn't exactly a werewolf friendly therapist nearby." Leah gave me an encouraging smile. "My ears are always open. You may have lost your touch, but you are still alpha. Anything you show me, stays with me. Let me try and help?"
I shook my head but decided to anyways. She was right, it was eating me up inside.
"I need you to phase first and make sure we'll be alone. Nod when it's safe?"
"Of course." Leah said then stripped and phased. After a moment, she nodded her large silver head.
I stripped down and phased.
When I phased back, Leah could barely look at me.
"So, like I said. I can't just easily go back. What I almost did, it's disgusting and horrible to even think that I almost… How can I just pretend it didn't happen and go on with my life?"
Leah looked at me then, anger in her eyes but something else as well.
"What happened… it wasn't the Jake I know. It isn't even the Jake you are right now. You may not be entirely our Jake but you aren't entirely that Jake either. I would stake my life on the fact that you would never actually do it. That isn't you, Jake."
"How can you be so sure?"
"This conversation right here, as well as feeling what you felt about it when you phased. No question. You are enough of the Jake I know that I can accurately predict what you're going to do."
"Yeah? So what am I going to do?"
"You're going to walk away because you are too afraid to talk to Bella about it, and too amazing to pretend your relationship is okay. But you will go to her, when you're head is more on straight."
"Okay. Maybe you DO know me. What SHOULD I do?"
"What you're doing. Anything else and you'd have regrets. Just, don't completely push her away. She IS your imprint."
"Thanks Leah."
"Anytime, and I do mean that. You may not remember how close we are, but I do, and I miss you. No matter how messed up you think you are, I'm your friend. Don't forget that."
Leah took off toward the beach and I watched at a distance. Bella turned around to greet her and I swear she could see me through the trees, my heat beat faster just at the thought of her looking at me. When she turned back around I realised it was all in my imagination and a part of me felt lost.
I needed to keep myself busy. I took off to the local garage to see if they had any of the parts I needed. I didn't have much money but I had enough for one or two cheaper parts, more aesthetics than actual functional parts.
When I got to the garage, the guy at the counter greeter me. I knew that he knew me from my many times stopping by but I couldn't remember him. I also knew that pretty much everyone in La Push knew about my unfortunate amnesia so while he looked happy to see me, he seemed apprehensive. Maybe he thought my knowledge of cars was gone too.
"Hey man, I'm Roderick. You used to come in here a lot. Anything specific you're looking for?"
"Not sure, I don't have a large budget, but I wanted to distract myself with the Rabbit."
"You're still working on that thing? I figured that would have been put on the backburner until your memory returns." He gave a kind, understanding smile like someone who actually cared would give. How often was I in here exactly?
"No, uh… That part of my memory is still intact, it actually helps me keep my mind busy. Only my personal memories seem to be affected."
"Well, if that's the case, I have a question for you. Frank left, his wife transferred to a new location for her job, so now I'm one man shy of a full team and I'm starting to get behind. I was looking to hire but if you're still just as good as you used to be, I'd be willing to give you a chance before asking around."
"You just doing this so you can save money because I'm still just a kid?"
"You're smart, but no. While that is true, I wouldn't have to pay you as much to start, I've seen your work. I know you are good enough and after a short probation period, you'd be up for a pay increase, assuming you've earned it."
"Ya know what man? Let's do it. Like I said, keeps my mind busy. I can only do afterschool for the next week, then exams are over and you get me full time."
"Deal. Can you start right now? I'm swamped."
I had to laugh. Here I was looking to pay money so I could keep busy and he was giving me money to keep me busy. I couldn't have asked for a better opportunity.
Exams came and I passed. I was officially a Junior. Grade 11 couldn't come soon enough. Even Paul passed though I expected that was because of Angela. He always was a slacker.
More of my memory had been returning, seemed to be coming in waves of when I learned it. Things earlier in life came first, stuff to do with family, my best friends Quil and Embry, then Bella. By the time Bella finished school my memory seemed to be near perfect again. I just wished I could take back everything that I'd done. I knew it wasn't me and so did she but we both just had to live with it, and I had no idea if this was something she was willing to brush aside. I had some serious apologies I needed to make. Even then, nothing could take back what I almost did. I shiver went down my spine at the thought and my wolf growled at me. I'd never forgive myself.
