It was two weeks before I saw Jake again, and Billy assured me that he was just busy but it felt like when he first phased all over again, like he was avoiding me.
When we finally did see each other, we spent the day hanging out at a park, talking about what was going on in our lives. That was it, not even holding hands once again.
What was I to do though? I was his imprint, but more than that, I loved him, how could I just walk away when he needed me? I knew Jake, and if he was acting this way, it was for a good reason. Jake would never treat me badly intentionally. But I was still able to feel, and I definitely felt neglected.
Sometimes we'd see each other after a week and sometimes it was after three weeks and before I knew it, we were both back in school. Well he was back in it, and I was doing my business course from home. Home, which temporarily was Sam and Leah's guest room but the renovations at my dad's were came to an end and before long, I was back in my own bed again.
I learned from Leah that the day I left La Push back when Jake still hadn't regained his memories was the last day that Jake had phased. He barely spoke with any of the pack except for Leah.
She explained why she acted funny around me. Jake had alpha ordered her not to tell me whatever the spoke about and she WANTED to tell me. I couldn't exactly blame her for that, she had no choice when it came to his orders.
Jake had a new group of friends, mostly co-workers at the garage, and a couple kids from school. But none of this I learned from Jake because it had been over a month since we saw each other last. Which is why I was so shocked when I ran into him at the mall in mid September.
"Jake… I, hey."
"I'll catch up with you guys later." He said to his new friends before turning to me. He looked like he hadn't been sleeping good, and his hair was getting long again. I waved Angela and Paul ahead, and they sat down at a nearby but not too close, bench with a water fountain behind them. "Hi."
"Hi. Ha. Wow. Jake it's been almost two months since I saw you last. And when we do see each other, you barely even look at me. I don't even feel like I have a boyfriend half the time and the only thing you say is hi?"
"Yeah, that's actually something I've been meaning to talk to you about. This isn't working. None of it working."
"What isn't working? This secret that you've been keeping from me or… Wait are you… are you breaking up with me?"
"Yeah. I am."
I took a step back as my brain refused to process his words. I could see Angela get up from her spot behind Jake and start walking toward us but Paul grabbed her hand to stop her.
"No, Jake you can't just break up with me. This isn't a typical relationship. We're soul mates. I'm your imprint." I felt like I was grasping at straws. Hoping he'd see how wrong his words felt.
"I know, but I don't see any other way." He refused to meet my gaze, but I knew if he did, I'd break. I needed my strength.
"How about trying? Ever think of that one? Trying instead of hiding away from me for months on end."
"Bella. You have no idea what goes on in my head. The things I have to remember."
I knew I was losing it when the next words came out of my mouth. "Why because you ALMOST fucked some slut in broad daylight? You never would have done that if you had your memory. I know where your heart belongs." I was glad in that moment that the mall was about to close and we were nearly alone, last thing I needed was Charlie to hear about this.
"No, because I can remember everything. Things you don't know." His face was twisted in disgust.
"Then enlighten me. Let me choose if it's something forgivable or not. You aren't just trying to flush your own future down the toilet, you're trying to flush mine too. One that I was given a vividly real visual on. This isn't some fling I can just move on from. You will literally take away my future if you go through with this so I deserve a say!"
"Fine! You want to know why I've been avoiding you? Because every time I look at you, I'm reminded that I manipulated you into having sex with me. Knowing how messed up everything was, I used the memories Leah showed me to trick you into sleeping with me just because I needed a quick way to get off and the damn wolf wouldn't let it be with anyone but you. I took advantage of your need to have me back, your desire for things to be perfect again… your ability to see the best in everyone so that I could get laid when at the time I didn't care if you lived or died and I even contemplated killing you myself in that garage in hopes the wolf would die too and just shut up for once."
I gasped, but no sound came out, and took a step away from him. Did I hear him right? Tears fell from my eyes like a dark cloud raining down on me.
"We can't be together because while I know past me would never have those kinds of thoughts, THAT me had them, and that me is still in here. I have his memories, even though he didn't have mine. I have to live with the guilt and anger of what he did, what he almost did while he had a clean slate. I can't…" his voice fell, like finally admitting it was his last straw. "I almost killed you…"
Jake fell to his knees and the sob that ripped through him hit me hard. I knew in that moment the reason he stopped phasing. The reason he hid away from me. He was ashamed and he didn't want anyone to know what was going on. I knew in my heart that he hadn't spoken those words aloud before and while hearing them hurt every single cell in my body, I knew he needed to finally get it out, if he really wanted to move past it.
Jake needed therapy but who do you take a werewolf to that won't toss you into a facility?
I moved closer to him not exactly sure what I was going to do and he wrapped his arms around my waist tightly. Feeling his touch brought me a peace that I'd been lacking for half of a year. His warmth hit my bare legs below my skirt that was much shorter than I'd ever comfortably wear in high school. I stroked his hair, tears streaking my face as I tried to see through the blur to know if Angela and Paul had stayed. I could vaguely see them in the distance, though I knew they were close enough to hear everything.
We stood there for what felt like hours but I knew only minutes had passed.
"W-we need to go. The m-mall is closing. Come o-on." I barely managed to say between my own sobs.
Angela seemed reluctant for me to leave her sight but Paul assured her I'd be fine, and despite Jake's admission, I knew he was right. Jake wasn't a danger to me, even if he was during that time. We walked out of the mall, Jake's head staring at his own feet as he walked. They hopped in Angela's car and we got in my truck.
When we made it to my house, which was freshly renovated and probably looked foreign to Jake, I was happy to find a note on the counter stating that Charlie would be at Billy's for the night.
Jake stood in front of me in the living room but refused to look me in my eyes. I took his face in my hands and tilted his face up to me. I smiled. Even though it wasn't a smile of happiness, it was one of love. I was letting him know I was still there for him, and I knew he needed me in that moment even if his guilt told him to run, even if I felt I should run as well, my heart knew the truth. I was safe.
The pain from what he said was unbearable but knowing he had been living with this guilt for months without saying a word to anyone was almost worse. He was the other half of my soul and he was hurting. I knew the only way to heal from it was to let it go so I tried to talk to him about it.
"Jake, I know that you can't forgive yourself for what happened. But I also know you'd never do that to me. You can't expect to be perfect all the time. People make mistakes and after what you, what we went through isn't proof enough that neither of us were in our right minds, than I don't know what else to say. Jake I love you. Faults and all. I'm here because of you. You saved my life that day and I never got a chance to tell you how thankful I am."
Jake still refused to talk but at the very least I was able to keep his eyes on me.
"I am not innocent in all of this. I knew you were using your past words to get to me, and I let it happen. I needed you and I took advantage of the fact that your wolf needed me too. Hell, I'd take advantage of that fact right now if it weren't for the extremely serious turn everything took back there. I've needed you so much through all of this but… I'm not innocent though. Don't for one moment put me on some pedestal."
"I can't ever make this right. All I've wanted for months was to simultaneously apologize and beg forgiveness, and just give up because I'm not even worthy enough to forgive. There's that hopeful part of that wants to make it up to you, even if it takes until the day I die then there's the part that is afraid I'll hurt you again and knows staying away will keep you safe."
I stood there, just looking at Jake. I wanted to hear everything and knew if I talked, he might stop.
"I WANT to make it up to you, but then I feel guilty that doing so gives the impression I'm worth your forgiveness. I'm not. Not even close but it's up to you if you if you want me to stay or to go. I'll do whatever you want, I just want you to be okay."
"I…" I couldn't just blurt out the first thing I thought. Like I just said at the mall, this wasn't a regular relationship. I had to think this through before answering. "Give me a minute."
Jake nodded then sat down on the couch. I followed him and sat down. Everything in me told me to take his hand. To touch his skin. Should I give in to these feelings and do what I know in my heart is right, do I make him leave, and say goodbye to Jake and Bells, or do I make him grovel and spend his whole life thinking I'll never forgive him?
