/I hope this is up to par/
BPOV
"What do I do, Jake? Do I give up on you, because you've given up on yourself? Do I make you grovel for the rest of your life? Do I just forget everything happened? What would YOU choose?"
"I… I WANT to make this up to you, even if it takes my whole life. I don't think I'm worth it, but you are. You are worth the world to me and I want to make things better for you. Whatever that may mean."
I got up and started pacing. I realised after a while that I was biting my lip, and when I looked at Jake, while he looked haunted by guilt, his eyes were glued to my lips. I let my bottom lip go and his eyebrows twitched. I couldn't help the feeling inside me. It had been forever since I felt Jake's arms around me, his tongue caressing my own…
I knew what I wanted. I knew I was safe with Jake.
"Promise me that no matter what the problem is, you WILL talk to me about it."
Jake came to stand next to me, encouraged by my words. "Of course. I promise. I know I was an idiot to keep this all from you for so long. You deserved to know. I owed it to you, especially after what you did to save my life. Thank you for that, by the way."
"Jake, you never would have even been in that situation if it weren't for me and my inability to stay out of danger. You saved my life too, ya know and for that alone you deserve another chance. But don't mistake this for weakness. You pull that shit again, Jake and God help you, you will Live to regret it."
"Is… is it bad that scary Bella is also really hot?"
"Maybe but, well… I had a taste of you and can't exactly say my mind isn't distracted after being alone for so long. I mean… going my whole life without a single orgasm made it easy to not crave one but being shown how good they are? It's constantly on my mind, and FYI, doing it myself just does not have the same affect."
His breath hitched for a moment. Maybe this was what he needed. Old Bella and Jake. Though I wouldn't actually take advantage of this situation. Like I said, it took quite the serious turn.
"You… do it yourself now?" he asked, swallowing like he was nervous. A nervous Jake was a surprisingly adorable one.
"Well, I didn't have a nice strong wolf to help me anymore. Got pretty bad actually. Alice said she could practically see the frustration coming off of me and uh… bought me something to help…"
"What kind of something?" Jake asked, his breath quickening.
It was my turn to be nervous. Why did I even bring this up? Oh right. Distractions.
"Um, an adult toy that goes buzz buzz?" I answered, embarrassed.
"You've been using a toy… in place of me?"
The way he looked at me then, his eyes filled with need, which only set my own need aflame. "Oh fuck."
Swearing was coming easier and easier these past few months. Once that first f-bomb was dropped, it became hard to hold back the next. His eyes went wide at my words. Yeah he heard me say it back at the mall, but I was angry and hurt and it was understandable but he had no idea it had become a part of my vocabulary and the way he was looking at me was like he really enjoyed hearing that word coming from my mouth.
"H-how does the toy feel? Does it… do the job?" Jake looked down at me, his eyes saying something I couldn't decipher.
"Um… it uh, does but nothing compares to the real thing." I brushed my hair behind my ear and when I did, Jake caught my arm. His face changing to sadness.
"I should have been there, taking care of you while you healed." He was staring at the long, barely noticeable scar on my left arm. Carlisle did a wonderful job at his stitches but the jagged edge of the glass made it difficult to heal without a scar.
Jake placed a soft kiss on my wrist, right where the glass first cut into my skin. Then another and another, following the scar up my arm. Tears fell from my eyes as my body finally felt what it had been longing for so long, Jake's warmth, which always instantly made me feel loved and wanted.
My eyes closed as I just paid attention to the feeling of his lips on my arm. I let out a moan so quiet I wasn't even sure it was real and bit my lip to shut myself up. I didn't want to push him.
When he got to the bend in my arm where the scar stopped, I thought he would stop too but he didn't. He continued kissing up my arm, over my shoulder. One hand pulled my hair off of my neck while the other wrapped around my waist and his kisses continued up my neck. My hands instinctively moved, one to his hair and another to his muscular shoulder. His kisses were soft like he was afraid he might hurt me if he pressed too hard against me.
When he got to my jaw just below my ear, he paused. I thought he was going to move away but he didn't. His lips hovered over my ear, just barely touching it. My breathing was hard to control but I knew I needed to stay calm. He didn't need sex, and I didn't want to encourage it before he was ready.
His lips parted against my ear. "I love you, Bells. I'll always love you. I'm so sorry for everything I have done."
"I know. I forgive you Jake. I love you. I can't even express how much."
His lips continued, trailing along my jawline until he got to the other ear. He breathed and chills flowed over my entire body.
"I want to make love to you. I want you so bad it hurts. I've denied myself any pleasure, knowing I deserve the torment. I was too selfish to not even considere that you might be tormented as well."
The moan that came out then was much louder than the first. My eyes opened up as he moved away from my ear. He was looking at me, his kind eyes dark with need.
I opened my mouth to talk but nothing came out. I licked my lips and his eyes darted down to watch. I pulled my bottom lip in between my teeth as I debated giving in or turning him down. I knew what I wanted, and what he wanted, and was just trying to figure out if it's what we needed. I needed to do this right this time.
"Is this you or the wolf?"
"We made peace with each other. ' silent for the most part. This is all me."
I smiled and he took that as encouragement. His lips met mine for the first time in five months. When he pulled away, I could barely breathe.
"I have missed you so much, honey. I don't ever want to be apart again. Let me make love to you. Let me set things right."
There was no way I was saying no to that. I backed up, Jake's hands falling off my back reluctantly, trailing down toward my hips. I smiled at him again, to let him know everything was okay. I wasn't leaving him. I glanced down at his hands then back up at his beautiful eyes and have a little wiggle, feeling his hands glide over my skin. I bit my lip again, this time to keep from smiling so big that my mouth might literally rip open.
He knew I was saying yes, and his hands trailed down, then back up my legs under my skirt and his fingers hooked on my panties, slowly pulling them off of me.
The love that poured out of Jake that night was more than anything I'd felt before. He apologized over and over, in many ways.
