1Chapter 11 – Morally Bankrupt
"His name is Richard," the maitre'd explained. "He was here just a minute ago. I saw him dash out the front door with my gourmet cake, and I would like to get it back."
"Gawrsh," said Goofy. "Maybe you should have followed him."
"I must tend to my restaurant! Have you any idea how much work that is, you silly vandals?"
"Vandals?" said Sora. "I thought we were just making a scene. I mean, I haven't been involved in any vandalism in at least a week. Maybe longer."
"You know what it is that I mean," said the maitre'd. "I want you to chase that boy and retrieve my cake for me. If you do, I might forgive you for your indiscretions."
Goofy chuckled. "I didn't know it was a crime to be lost."
"Indiscretions, not misdirections!" Donald slapped his forehead. "Did you even go to school, you stupid goof?"
"Me?" said Goofy. "I went to Knight School."
The maitre'd folded his arms and glared. "If you are finished with your petty argument, I would have you begin pursuit of this thief right away. I would hate for you not to catch him in time."
"You said it," said Sora. "Guys, let's go catch ourselves a cake thief!"
"I am glad that you decided to listen to reason. Now, kids, he went that-a-way!"
XXX
Sora stopped to catch his breath as he rounded the corner into an alley. He was certain he saw someone dashing that way, arms around some sort of oversized baked goods. Vaguely cake-shaped, too. Silver hair, ugly clothes...
"That's the Riku guy!" Sora realized. "We're after Riku!"
"Really?" said Donald. "I didn't even know Riku was on this world."
"It's the guy in the restaurant who looked like him," said Sora. "Maybe it was him. I don't know. We'll just have to catch him and see. One thing bugs me, though. 'Riku' and 'Richard' are different names. We were told the thief is Richard. If we were after Riku, then why would he have a completely different name?"
"'Riku' and 'Richard' sound pretty similar to me," said Donald. "Very close. Maybe he's using a false name."
"Maybe," said Sora. "Why didn't I think of that?"
"I'm the brains of this operation," said Donald. "Everybody knows that."
"Yeah," said Goofy. "Donald is the brains, Jiminy is the moralizer, you're the player surrogate, and I'm the comic relief. It all fits."
"Player surrogate?" said Sora. "What's that supposed to mean? Who's a player?"
"You are," said Donald. "With all your girlfriends."
"And what does that make Kairi?" Sora frowned.
Goofy elbowed Donald in the ribs. "She's the fanservice."
"Eww!" said Sora. "You make it sound like she's some sort of... icon. I thought I was the only guy allowed to stare at her."
"You're awfully naive!" said Goofy. "Her only reason for being is..."
"Guys," said Jiminy, "I don't think we're supposed to be talking about this sort of thing. We're supposed to be getting that cake back, remember?"
"Oh, right," said Sora. "Onward, boys! Over that fence."
As the team approached the old chain-link fence that blocks off most dark alleys used in chase scenes, Sora thought he saw their quarry dart around the corner ahead of them, so he pointed and shouted. It didn't take long for all three (with Jiminy in Donald's pocket) to scale the fence and make a run for Richard's location.
Except they forgot to climb down. Instead, they returned to the ground the hard way.
Goofy let out a cry: "Waaa-hoo-hoo-hoo-eeee!"
"Ouch!" said Sora. "Geez, does it normally hurt that much to float down from a ledge?"
"I don't think we did any floating there, Sora," said Goofy, rubbing what he was sure would become a bruise.
"We normally don't fall that hard," said Sora. "Heck, we normally don't even fall that soon. Don't we normally hang in the air a few seconds until someone realizes that we're not being supported by anything?"
"Yeah," said Donald. "Stupid planet. Stupid world. Stupid... gravity."
Goofy scrunched up his face, deep in thought. "I thought you liked your mashed taters, Donald."
"Gravity, not gravy, you dolt!" Donald, his patience at an end, socked Goofy in the nose.
"Sorry," said Goofy. "We at Knight School didn't get any of those fancy mp3s they give you wizards."
"Ph.D.!" Donald flailed his arms about while hopping on one foot and squawking. "I have a Ph.D. Not an mp3."
"You don't have any mp3s?" said Goofy. "Well, then, can I have your iPod?"
"Nooooo!"
"iShouldn't have asked."
"iThink you just don't want to get hit again."
"You keep hitting people like that and you're going to put out an iBall."
"Aw, your face is an iSore already."
"You don't mean that, Donald. iThought you were my buddy. My role model. A wizard iCon."
"iWill bSick if you guys don't cut that out," said Sora.
"Hey," said Donald, "this isn't the iDeal situation, but we've still almost caught the guy. If only this iDiot weren't holding us back."
"iDisagree," said Sora. "Goofy has always been there to lead the charge. iHide behind his shield all the time."
"He's getting away," said Jiminy. "Please, guys, let's cut the fighting and pick up the chase. See him? He's right across the street, under that iKea Furniture billboard."
Donald smacked Goofy one more time, just for good measure, and then everyone raced after Richard.
XXX
Richard managed to stay one step ahead of Sora, but he seemed to want to keep close enough to drown Sora's enthusiasm in taunts.
"Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries, you silly boy!" he said. "You stupid English k-nigh-ts. Go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!"
"That really does sound you like, Riku," said Sora. "Stop, and give us back the cake! You don't want to get in trouble, do you?"
"I do not know who this Riku person is," said Richard, "but I bet he is just as dense as you lousy lot. You smelly tramps. You scummy rotten chicken eggs."
"You know," said Sora, "we don't have all day. Just give us back the cake, and we won't hurt you."
"Just how do you intend to hurt me, you unarmed little hooligan?" Richard went down another alley and began ascending a fire escape.
"With my Keyblade!" Sora brandished his weapon.
"You want to hurt me with a key?" Richard looked shocked. "A key? The boy wants to fight with a key? What's next, strangling me with your watch? Tying me up with your goofy necklace? Whipping me with an early-90s chic slap bracelet? Um, cutting me with your credit card?"
Whap! Goofy mashed his shield over Richard's head, causing him to slink against the railing. "You should have paid more attention to where you were going, instead of taunting like that. Gawrsh, this fire escape turns into a dead end up here, doesn't it?"
Richard groaned. "I've been done in by a dog. Hounded by a hound. Caught by a Chihuahua. Foiled by a Finnish Spitz. Quartered by a..."
"We get the picture," said Sora. "Now give us back the cake."
"Cake?" said Richard, as innocently as he could. "I don't have any cake."
"Liar!" Donald bopped him on the head with his staff. "We saw you."
"You must have eaten it all," said Sora. "'Fess up, now."
"Okay, fine," said Richard. "I ate it all. I'm such a little pig. Just like your girlfriend."
"How does he know Kairi?" said Goofy.
"Lucky guess," Donald shrugged. "But I'll bet he gets a tummy ache from snarfing all that cake just before being chased across town. And up all these stairs. Yuck."
"Come to think of it," said Richard, "I do feel a little ill."
"Let's leave him," said Sora. "He's punishing himself, and we have better things to do."
"This mission is accompanied," said Goofy.
"Accomplished!" Donald kicked Goofy in the shins.
