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Chapter thirty-eight
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Necessary Repetitions
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Bill knocked on the Cottage door early and explained, "Peter sent me to say he would gladly drop off Allie today so you and I could talk in private. What's going on, Son?"
"Ever thoughtful… Let me quickly call Peter and accept the offer." Nathan then asked, "Have you had breakfast, Bill?"
"Coffee, yes, but breakfast no. What do you have?" Bill followed Nathan into the kitchen where Allie was eating her oatmeal. "Hey, Allie-girl!"
"Bill, oatmeal and scones, okay? We opened a jar of peaches too." At Bill's nod, Nathan motioned to the table as he reached for the dishes for Bill. "Allie? Grampa Peter is taking you to school today, okay?"
"Oh? Sure." Allie looked from her father to Bill, then down at her oats. She knew what this was about, but didn't want to say anything to her Uncle yet. Once her father had served Bill and went back to call Peter, Allie looked up slowly. "Is Aunt Adeli coming for supper tonight?"
Bill nodded. "That's the plan. I may have to borrow your Dad's car to pick up a few additional supplies since I'm cooking!"
"Good." Allie replied.
Nathan returned and sat down again. "What did I miss?"
"I was just telling Allie I need to borrow your car as I prepare our dinner with Adeli. Okay?"
"Of course, Bill. Anything you want Allie or me to do?"
Allie quickly interjected. "I'll set the table with Mom's linens and china. Will you get some flowers Uncle Bill? We want everything to be special."
Nathan and Bill grinned.
"That sounds lovely, Sweetheart." Bill was happy. "Do you want to help me make dessert after school?"
"Sure!" Allie agreed, nodding as she held her empty bowl and plate. "May I be excused, Dad?"
"Yes, Sweetheart. When you are all set, maybe you could go up to the main house to wait for Grampa Peter to be ready?"
Once Allie had shared her hugs and departed, Bill turned to face Nathan with a questioning glance.
"Let's go into the front room, Bill." Settled into the comfortable seats, Nathan described the events of the preceding day, from the encounter in the stable, to the things he found out from Zachary and his father's initial disbelief and then shock.
"Nathan!" Bill was stunned, staring at Nathan trying to grasp this news. "Does Allie know?"
"Yes. I told her last night. She is amazingly understanding for a young person." Nathan replied.
"What are you going to do now?"
"Go to work. Try to speak to Tim to start with." Nathan spoke matter-of-factly. He had organized his morning in his Mountie manner. "I will owe the Mounties compensation time after all this." Nathan sat up straight to stretch his back, tilting his neck side-to-side, then continued.
"I need to talk to Zachary today and tell him the truth. I also must get permission for Zachary to come here for an afternoon this weekend. We need to get to know him and he us. I don't want to jeopardize his training or make it difficult for him within his troop, but this is earthshattering to him I'm sure. In some ways it is to me as well…" Nathan looked over at Bill with an expression that would be best described as burdened. He couldn't allow himself to grieve, but he also couldn't allow himself to rejoice. Maybe eventually? But right now? The more he considered this unexpected turn of events the more Nathan realized he was doing both simultaneously, but holding back on both as well.
Although Nathan seemed weighed down, Bill observed his many changes of emotion and quietly asked the only question he could think of at this unprecedented moment. "How can I help you, Nathan?"
"For today? Just pray. And we'll all share dinner tonight I guess…" Nathan paused, then reconsidered. "I guess we might as well tell Adeli tonight if she will be part of our family now?"
"Only God knows for certain, but it looks like we're going in that direction. I think it would be good for her to know so Allie has a couple of women to confide in or talk with," Suggested Bill. "I mean this is a let-down in her opinion of her grandfather and Carol and Adeli might be able to help in some way."
"That's true. Allie was very worried about my mom when I told her last night. She may need to talk about that too… Oh, Bill… such a mix of heartache and questions and potential…"
"Any Scripture come to mind this morning?" Bill inquired, hoping. "One you can hold onto?"
"Yesterday it was that God is my rock, my defense, my strength and my refuge. Trust Him and pour out your heart. This morning…" Nathan reached for his Bible on the coffee table and turned to Psalm twenty-seven. He began to read selected verses. "'The LORD is my Light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The LORD is the strength of my life' of who shall I be afraid.' Another verse. 'For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion; in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon a rock.' And, 'Hear O LORD, when I cry with my voice; have mercy… When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up… I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait on the LORD; be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart; wait, I say, on the LORD." (*9)
"Good verses, Nathan." Bill shifted in his seat. "Are you ready to head to work?"
Dr. Ben Marshall, Joseph Canfield and Elizabeth Thornton settled in Judge Bill Avery's Hope Valley office for a joint session.
After distributing cups of coffee he had brought from the Café and opening in prayer, Joseph began. "Elizabeth, we need not see it, but did you begin your letter to God?"
Opening her journal at the page marked with a ribbon, Elizabeth glanced at the page then up at Joseph. "I began, but the more I write the more I need to write." She sighed. "I don't know if I will ever finish, but, to answer your question, I began."
"Is there anything you would like to share or are there questions that have arisen?" Joseph continued quietly.
"I've written about how I was raised." She sighed slightly. "Entitled, privileged totally unaware that I was full of pride and thought others beneath me. When I came to teach here, I thought I was the one with all the answers…Maybe I've thought that about a lot of things? I know I've been quick to give advice and thought that was caring for my friends, when maybe they just needed me to listen? I don't think I have listened well. I didn't learn that, although my sisters and I talked all the time, but still I am responsible, not my upbringing. Jack and I were working on that and he was very patient with me."
"I've been trying to list the ways I've held back, avoided and run. Those are the things Nathan said happened when I refused to face my fear. I wasn't willing to get to know him, spend intentional time getting to know him, you know, in depth. Really though I didn't get to know Lucas either. When I asked some questions of him, he deflected or postponed any discussion. It was never the right time for him to share. I didn't invest in these relationships and they remained on the surface."
"I avoided conversations. I avoided finishing what I had begun and just ran out of Nathan's office. I am so ashamed of that. I would say my piece and leave. That is not building a friendship, let alone anything else. Nathan is the most forgiving man I know, because he continued to interact with me whenever I allowed it. But I was insensitive and only offered my opinions or thought of my pain when we did talk, but mostly I ran. I am asking God's forgiveness as I realize these things and asking Him to help me change. Nathan deserves to be heard and appreciated."
"I've been trying to give thanks for what God has allowed. I'm giving thanks that Nathan left Hope Valley because, if Nathan hadn't left, I would be oblivious to who I became and how others see me. I would have lost friends forever. I would be blindly moving towards a disastrous marriage with Lucas and neglect of my son. I would have remained bound by fear…" The tears spilled over as Elizabeth summarized what she had written so far.
"You made some powerful realizations, Elizabeth. Pouring out these failings and understandings to God is a part of the healing process."
Dr. Ben spoke up. "Joseph is right. Facing and naming these allow you to confess and be aware, to make steps to change and grow."
"I haven't admitted my fears in this letter though… that I need to work on." Admitted Elizabeth as she wiped her eyes and rested her hands on top of her journal in her lap again.
"I think that is a good place to change our direction now, Elizabeth. Joseph and I believe this is the time to begin talking about Nathan Grant."
Joseph directed her thoughts. "I wasn't in Hope Valley when Nathan arrived, so could you begin at his arrival and tell us about your interactions and your relationship?"
"I'll try…" Elizabeth looked out the window, silently praying for God's help. She began to recount how she felt when she first saw the red serge, then how she went into the Mountie office to introduce herself and welcome Nathan.
"I remembered how hesitant the townspeople were to welcome me into Coal Valley when I first arrived so I invited him to talk to me on the street so everyone would see that I accepted his presence." Her eyes glistening again, she explained softly. "That was what Nathan alluded to in his letter when he said I was brave and thoughtful."
"When Allie arrived a few days later, Nathan and I had some good talks as we helped her adjust to a new school and new friends. Allie was full of spunk and spice and got off on the wrong foot, in part because Lucas showed her a card trick and encouraged her to use it to impress her fellow students. Allie used it to trick them out of their lunches!" Elizabeth smiled at the memory. "But, although uncomfortable with this happening in a new school and with her new teacher, Nathan was impressive in his parenting and I could see he had, as he said, 'raised her better than that.' She was very polite though needed to be guided through understanding her wrong choices. Anyway, Nathan and I began some deep discussions as he shared with me her family background and Allie's many losses. I think he thought I was judging him for his career as that meant they moved frequently, but we reached an understanding and helped Allie."
Elizabeth shifted in her seat as she had to admit something aloud. "When Nathan shared about the loss of his sister and those personal family things, I only addressed how Allie felt and how loss can make you hesitant to open up again. I was talking about me." Elizabeth whispered. "I didn't ask Nathan how he was coping, bereaved and saddled with the care of his niece. I didn't show care or interest in him as a person."
"Nathan never seemed to hold it against me though. We continued to help each other help Allie. I think these were the first times that I failed to acknowledge the wonderful job that Nathan was doing and had been doing as a single parent for more than six years before they arrived." Again, Elizabeth lowered her voice. "I think I was proud of my 'childcare book-learning expertise' and ignored Nathan's experience, Mountie training and natural gifts as a father." She gulped. "I pursued him around town, stopping him to 'talk about Allie' or to ask where he was going… In hindsight I was nosey. Yet, Nathan always stopped, answered my questions as best he could and was kind. It got so that Nathan would tell me when he had to be on a mission out of town and Allie would be staying with a friend. He is very thoughtful."
"I think the first time I was aware that I was impressed with Nathan was the day of Jack's christening. He gifted me a plaque he had hand-carved for the library. Ironically the quote is to 'Always do what you are afraid to do.' (*10) He remembered I appreciated Emerson. Then after the service, Nathan offered to hold Baby Jack so I could have a few moments of freedom and he got Jack to giggle." Elizabeth smiled. "It was so precious. I saw him as both a sweet man and a wonderful father that day."
When Elizabeth paused, thoughtful, Dr. Ben glanced at the clock. "Elizabeth? I think that is a good place to stop for now. We will pick up more tomorrow. Maybe you can take the afternoon to continue your letter to God and we'll reconvene at nine in the morning?"
Bill dropped off Nathan at Depot and headed into the city to look for some gifts at the Canada Drug and Bookstore before purchasing groceries and flowers for tonight's dinner.
Grateful for the flexibility of his job, Nathan asked the Chief Superintendent's secretary to see Tim Stewart. He was ushered in quickly and repeated a shorter version of the story he had shared with Bill. As Nathan explained his family news, Tim showed no judgement but exhibited compassion and concern for both Nathan, his daughter and for Cadet Grant. "I will gladly permit Cadet Grant to take leave from 1200 to 1900 hours on Saturday. That will include both lunch and dinner. Is that okay, Nathan?"
"Oh yes." Nathan breathed a sigh of relief. "I can't thank you enough, Tim. I just didn't want to bring my daughter here to meet Zachary and this will give us some time to get to know each other."
"Now, for today, I agree I don't want to disrupt Grant's classes, so could you meet him at his barracks just after his final class? I will send a message to him to meet you outside so you can take a walk before he has to report for dinner. Will that work?"
Tim was being so accommodating that Nathan was amazed. "I'll make it work, Tim. Thank you so much. I am aware this is all against protocol, but I just had to ask, just in case you would allow it. I am grateful."
"I am glad you asked. I also recognize that Cadet Grant may need some time to meet your father if he can visit. Keep me informed, Nathan, and I will make those arrangements as well. I will not show favoritism at the holidays, so maybe you can encourage your father to choose another time to visit?"
"I will. Thank you. A part of me is still numb and cannot comprehend all this but I am taking one step at a time." Nathan looked down at his hands, releasing his tight grip, they back at Tim. "Will you please keep this confidential, Tim?"
"Of course." Tim stood and came around his desk, placing his hand on Nathan's shoulder as he stood. "Nathan? This is enormous news to absorb, but I am sure it will turn out for good. I see your faith and wisdom already. Enjoy this new family member and I look forward to talking about all of this after a while. I may ask for your input regarding Cadet Grant's post-graduation assignment, but that is for another time. You take care of yourself and your daughter, okay?"
Nathan nodded and as Tim extended his hand to shake Nathan's, he kept his other hand on Nathan's shoulder, patting it before they parted.
"Thank you, Sir. I will work extra hours to compensate for the time this news has taken from my responsibilities." Nathan confessed.
"Excuse me, Nathan, but you will do no such thing. I am certain you have worked many hours over-and-above what was required as a Constable. This is a most unusual circumstance and I want you to have all the time you need now so that you will continue to serve undistracted going forward."
'I will, Sir. I will meet Zachary at 1430 hours." Nathan paused at the doorway. "Thank you."
(*9) Psalm 27: 1,5,7,10,13-14 King James Version, Public Domain
(*10) Quote from Essays by Ralph Waldo Emerson, from the essay "Heroism," May 1841. Public Domain.
