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Chapter Thirty-nine

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Sharing the Truth

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Elizabeth sat at the dining table in the Thatcher row house. To insure privacy and no interruptions, her parents had suggested she work from here this afternoon. Grace remained at Elizabeth's house with Jack and Laura, while William met with his assistant in town, working on Thatcher Shipping business. Hudson had the vehicle and was taking Mrs. Swift grocery shopping at the Mercantile, planning to return to Elizabeth's to prepare the evening meal.

Elizabeth opened her journal and held her pen in hand, but leaning back in the chair, first surveyed the home that once belonged to Nathan and Allie. She pictured the sleepover icing incident and remembered decorating the Christmas tree as she had written of both memories in her journal. In vain, she tried to imagine them enjoying a meal together or reading in the evenings. Elizabeth sighed, then turned to continue her letter to God.

This time Elizabeth listed her fears. Fears that began with Jack, then while she was expecting and facing single motherhood, and continuing to when Nathan was in Hope Valley.

First she wrote of her fear when Jack was almost drowned and when he was sick, plus fears of his work on the Mining Company investigation and how she felt when he was in the Northern Territories. She identified that she had no fear when Jack took the training mission as her mind was consumed with plans for his return, for building a house together and settling in to married life.

Acknowledging that God had another plan, Elizabeth confessed her fear of being alone. Having left Hamilton and her family to travel to Hope Valley alone she recognized that being afraid to be alone was an irrational fear, having already lived numerous years on her own. She hadn't been able to shake it though. Maybe a good part of it was the responsibility for a tiny baby without her husband?

Finally Elizabeth concentrated on Nathan. His friendship, his job responsibilities, and her questions about what would happen to Allie if something happened to Nathan. Her questions about what would happen to her if something happened to Nathan or if he and Allie were reassigned. It was these fears that had loomed the largest when Nathan had shared how he loved her. Elizabeth made herself think about Rosemary's bout with the chicken pox, Lee's accident and Ned's operation. She wrote how illness or regular life events could be the cause of someone's demise just as much as a natural disaster, like a mud slide, or a career in law enforcement.

Though not in letter format, Elizabeth decided to enumerate how her fear could be realized if she had chosen Nathan-an accident, an injury, loss of career due to an injury, responsibility for Allie and helping both children cope with those changes or loss. Elizabeth sat back in the chair as she acknowledged, 'I am a coward. I am assuming the absolute worst and ignoring all the joy-filled moments we could have had as a family. I am ignoring the fact that we would have tackled each life event together. As Nathan wrote, 'We would have been the stronger for it.''

Elizabeth began to write a prayer. 'Dear Lord? I have been so bound to my 'what-ifs' that I have given no thought to the real, everyday joys of a life with Nathan. Forgive me for not trusting You enough to be willing to love that dear man as he deserves. Forgive me for leaving him to face his life, his job, his care for Allie alone, without a partner, without support, without love. Forgive me for not trusting Nathan's Mountie experience, which actually exceeded Jack's now that I think of it. Forgive me for not believing Nathan would make the best choices so he could come home to me, to Allie, to Jack.'

'Forgive me for shouldering the burden of worry, of constant concern for Nathan's safety and not asking for your protection and trusting you with his life and with mine. Forgive me for thinking I knew better than you? I don't know better, Lord. I need you to guide me always. And Lord? Maybe it's too late, but I have to ask. Could you allow me a second chance with Nathan? I don't know how you can do this, but I can ask. Please God…You know I love him. I just want the opportunity to tell him, to have him know…'


Nathan stood outside the Barracks for Troop 8 and prayed as he waited. When the door opened, Cadet Zachary Grant emerged looking nervous. "Sergeant." He snapped a clean salute and Nathan reciprocated.

"Good afternoon. Is it okay for us to take a walk? I thought it would be good to have some privacy for you, well actually for both of us." Nathan and Zachary turned to walk alongside Parade Square but then headed down a road going away from Depot. "How are you after yesterday?"

"I am nervously excited. I didn't get much sleep last night. Do you have news, Sir?"

"I do, but first, please call me Nathan when we are not in the presence of others here at Depot? I will call you Zachary or Zach. Which do you prefer?"

"Zach, please?"

"Good." He watched Zach as he spoke. "Brothers don't need to use formal names, right?"

It took a moment to sink in, but when it did, Zach stopped in his tracks. Frozen.

"Brothers? Did you say brothers? Are we…" Zach choked up at the realization.

Eyes glistening, Nathan reached out his arm and laid it loosely over the shoulders of his half-brother.

Tears spilled down Zachary's cheeks and he couldn't hold in a sob. Nathan stepped in front of him and embraced him even as his own tears spilled over. Zach returned the embrace and sobbed.

Embarrassed at his display of emotion, Zach coughed after some moments. "Excuse me…"

Nathan backed away, but remained standing in front of Zach. "There is nothing to excuse. We both just found our half-brothers, Zach. It's true." Noting that Zach was still incredulous, Nathan continued. "Let's walk and I will fill you in."

"Okay... You mean I can really call you Nathan, Sir?"

Nathan chuckled. "No, not 'Nathan, Sir.' Just Nathan!"

Trying it out for the first time, Zachary quietly spoke, "Nathan." He looked at this tall man beside him. "We are brothers? Really? Did you talk to your father?"

"We are. Half-brothers and, yes, I spoke to Dad last night."

"He lets you call him Dad? I never conceived that I might have a Dad someday. Do you think he would let me call him that eventually?"

"I cannot speak for him, but I don't see why not. When you speak to him, you should ask him." They walked a few more steps before Nathan continued. "I called Dad last evening and asked him if he was seated. Then I asked if he had ever been with a woman besides Mom, about twenty-one or so years ago. He was very quiet but then asked me how I knew that. I told him I thought he might have another son. Then I said, 'I think I just met him, my half-brother.'"

"Dad gasped, then was silent. I told him your full name and that your mother gave you his name for your middle name in hopes you might find each other some day. I told him you are twenty and the family resemblance is uncanny.' Nathan looked at Zach. "It is you know. Amazing."

"Dad told me he didn't know and I explained what you told me. He was concerned if you were angry or if your mother was angry. I explained that your mother had passed, never married and had no other children and that, although shocked, you didn't appear to be angry."

"Zach, my mother is alive, so I asked Dad what he was going to do. He explained he had already confessed his one-time-unfaithfulness to Mom and that she had forgiven him. He also said he would tell her about you last night." Nathan assured Zach. "I suggested he think about it, but he might want to come visit and meet you."

"Wow! So your mother would be my step-mother? And you call her Mom?"

"Correct and again, I would ask when you meet her."

"Do you have any other brothers or sisters? Any other family?" Zach had so many questions!

"You are my first and only brother, Zach, but I did have an older sister, Colleen. She died about eleven years ago now, but she was married and had a little girl, Allie. When Colleen died, Allie's father deserted them and after a while my Mom couldn't take care of Allie so, as her guardian, I took responsibility for my niece. Her name is Allison Mayes Grant now because I adopted her two years ago. She goes by Allie and she is now fourteen, almost fifteen."

"Wow!" Zach thought for a moment. "Are you married, Nathan?"

"No. I've never married. It's just been Allie and me together for all these years. It has been a challenge to be a single parent, but God has been good and Allie is my delight! I miss the little girl she once was, but she is growing into a lovely young woman. She is looking forward to meeting you."

"And I her. A niece!" Zach tried to comprehend he was an uncle. Again he voiced a question. "Where does your father live?"

"He and Mom live in Calgary now. There is so much I need to tell you, Zach, but I think we best turn around. I don't want you to be late for dinner." As they turned, Nathan continued. "Chief Superintendent Stewart has given special permission for you to have Saturday afternoon off to come home with me and meet Allie. Are you agreeable to that?"

"Really? That would be wonderful. I assume I shouldn't mention any of this to my Troop-mates?"

"I would wait if I was you. Only because we don't want them thinking you are getting special privileges. You are of course, but the circumstances are extraordinary! The Chief also said he would give you some time off if Dad can visit. Nothing around the holidays, but an afternoon at least. For this Saturday, you have off from noon until after supper, so I will pick you up at noon. How about you meet me at the entrance to that parking lot over there? Then you won't be seen by a lot of Cadets. Are you agreed?"

Zachary nodded his agreement. "Will I get to meet Allie?"

"Oh, you sure will! She wouldn't miss this for anything. She has lots of aunts and uncles in name only, but you are her first real uncle." Nathan chuckled. "Even though you are only five years apart!"

Nathan added. "We may have a small family birthday celebration for her in the evening? Her birthday is mid-week and we have a few celebrations planned. I wish you could attend them all, but your time will be less strictly scheduled after you graduate, so we'll make sure to plan lots of get-togethers then." Nathan chuckled to think of Allie's surprises. "When is your birthday, Zach?"

"It's October thirty-first. I'll be twenty-one."

"Oh! I am glad I asked!" Silently, he thought something would need to be done. "So you may wear civilian clothes if you wish on Saturday, Zach, and I will meet you at noon in that parking lot." Nathan pointed. "Okay?"

"Yes, Nathan. Thank you." Zach wasn't sure if he should salute or shake hands with his big brother. Nathan solved his dilemma, by opening his arms for a brief hug.

"Welcome to the family, Zach."


In the Judge's office in Hope Valley, Elizabeth continued to share about Nathan Grant.

"When Allie wanted to host a slumber party, I showed up to help the girls with cupcakes and to help Nathan with all these young females in his house!" Elizabeth chuckled at the memory, pausing long enough for Dr. Ben to ask what was so humorous.

With sparkling eyes, Elizabeth confessed how she had startled Nathan with a swipe of icing on his nose.

Joseph and Ben glanced at each other, smiling at that and at Elizabeth's obvious delight at the memory.

When her demeanor changed, Joseph voiced concern, "Elizabeth?"

"I haven't mentioned this but Lucas frequently managed to interrupt Nathan and my conversations around town, always making it awkward. You see, Lucas started to compete for my attentions early on, while Nathan was always patient and respectful. I should have seen the contrast then, but this realization has only come recently. Lucas found ways to make comments or twist words to make Nathan look foolish. I am annoyed to remember that and I believe Nathan had Lucas pegged early on. Still, Nathan watched out for me and saved both Lucas and me from a hostage situation in the Saloon, which was the result of criminal connections that Lucas had in his past. Nathan risked his life and was shot at, although I don't think I ever thanked him." Fresh tears threatened.

"I helped Nathan and Allie find and decorate a Christmas tree and after the Christmas Festival dinner I saw Allie seated alone on a bench and crying. When I inquired she stated that they would be moving 'because her uncle got a promotion.'"

Elizabeth ducked her head. "That Christmas Eve morning I hurried into town. to the jail, to confront Nathan on why he didn't tell me what was wrong. He explained nothing was wrong. He had applied for the promotion before moving to Hope Valley and it just came through. I accused him of not thinking of Allie when he decided to accept it and added 'What about the friends you've made?' As if I had any right to assume our friendship should have prevented him from advancing within the Mounties." Again, Elizabeth gulped. "I confess I left without allowing him to say more and slammed the door behind me. I never asked about the promotion and only learned it was a prestigious position when I read Rosemary's article in the Valley Voice after Nathan had departed."

Sniffling slightly, she added, "I only hope Nathan will forgive me. Actually he probably already has because that is the way he is."

Continuing to share highlights of her relationship with Nathan, she mentioned Allie's adoption, her angry accusations and blame to Nathan for only inviting her on purpose. "His response still haunts me. 'He said if that's what I thought, then I didn't really know him.'" Elizabeth gulped. "He was right. I didn't really know him. I didn't make the effort or take the time."

She explained how she had confronted Nathan in public, demanding he answer what happened at Fort Clay. Elizabeth blushed in embarrassment as she recounted the scene and what Nathan had explained. "On the spot, I blamed him for Jack's death. I wouldn't let him explain and stalked off in anger leaving that dear man publicly humiliated and wrongfully accused. Probably one of the most upstanding, honorable and kind men in Hope Valley and I cut him down on the street, in front of a crowd of townspeople. I accused this honest, compassionate man of telling a lie, of deliberately hiding things from me… I was awful and I left him there." She wiped her eyes with her fingers. "You know the amazing thing is that Nathan never brought that up to me and never seemed to hold it against me, although I could see hurt in his eyes."

"A while later, I took him outside of the Yost's wedding reception and told him I didn't blame him for Jack's death and he seemed so relieved. I think he was carrying that burden for many years, and…" Elizabeth stopped mid-sentence and burst into tears, her head in her hands.

Surprised, Dr. Ben and Joseph allowed her to sob for some moments before Joseph reached his hand out to her shoulder. "What is it Elizabeth? What have you just remembered?"

Elizabeth shook her head back and forth before collecting herself enough to speak. Her voice was agonized as she explained. "It's not something I remember. It's something I never did." She gulped as the tears continued to fall. "I never apologized to Nathan for my behavior and for accusing him. You see?" She blew her nose. "This is how awful I have been. I was like a queen absolving my subject of his guilt by not blaming him. I assumed I was in the right to have yelled as I did… I never apologized." Elizabeth put her head in her hands again, mumbling. "Yet he often apologized to me, even when he didn't do anything wrong." She gulped again as her conscience confirmed her words. "I don't think I ever apologized to Nathan Grant for anything… I always assumed I was in the right." She paused before whispering, "Is that called pride?"

Joseph nodded 'Yes,' when Elizabeth raised her head.

After her sobbing quieted, Elizabeth shared more about how Nathan had once told her he loved her and she galloped away… how Nathan had asked her to dinner and was willing to bring the children and she cancelled right outside the door of the Café…how she had questioned his parenting at a parent-teacher conference…how he had placed a blanket around her shoulders outside the Infirmary and sat to converse and how she had completely disregarded his grief, thinking only she had suffered…how she had barged into the RCMP office and told Nathan she was not in love with him and… Elizabeth choked out the words. "I told him that I only saw Jack in him…" Elizabeth burst into tears again.

When she was calm again, Dr. Ben spoke softly. "Elizabeth, you have shared a lot today. You have laid you heart bare and confessed your unkindness and callous actions towards Nathan. You have become aware that you never apologized which is an enormous realization. You have admitted pride and behaviors you are ashamed of. I believe we should finish at this point. But before Joseph leads us in prayer, I have a suggestion for you."

"While all of this is fresh in your mind, maybe you could compose a letter to Nathan or at least begin one? You can explain what you have realized and how wrong you were. You can apologize and ask his forgiveness. There is happiness and sadness in your memories, but once on paper you may be able to ask God to forgive you and then forgive yourself so you can move forward. This letter to Nathan can just remain in your journal for now. Eventually you will need to confess some of these realizations to Nathan himself, but for now you need to be fully aware of what you have done and not done." Ben stopped for a few moments watching Elizabeth. When she met his gaze, he continued. "You may have much more to identify since you have known him for so many years. Some days ago you also mentioned hurting his daughter. You might find it helpful to write to him about her, and eventually write a letter to the young woman herself."

"I cannot emphasize enough what a momentous recognition you have made. But if it is overwhelming, having it on paper will help you. Do you have any questions now?" Dr. Ben asked.

"Don't you think this will take days, or even weeks, to complete?"

"I do. That's partly what I mean by momentous. Maybe for tomorrow's session we won't introduce any new subjects, but just allow you to write while you are here with me. Maybe you can address questions or add more to what we've already uncovered today?: Dr, Ben concluded. "Let's see how it goes, okay?"

Elizabeth nodded and agreed, thinking silently that all the paper in the world would not be enough for her to apologize to Nathan and Allie Grant.

"Let's pray." Pastor Joseph offered.

'Dear Lord, this has been a day of revelation for Elizabeth. Some revelations have been happy and sweet, others have been harsh and real and sad. We need to own each of these revelations, the good and the bad. Accept the good and confess the sinful because God has provided a way for us to be restored in relationship with Him and with others. 'If we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another and the blood of Jesus His Son, cleanseth us from all sin.' And, 'If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.' (*10)

'And, Lord? Encourage Elizabeth's heart as she does this. May she know you are right beside her. Always.'

'Finally, we thank you for unveiling these truths to Elizabeth these past few days. And we thank you that you have a plan and purpose for this in Elizabeth's life. We entrust her into your loving care. Amen'


(*10) I John 1:7, 9 King James Version, Public Domain