Chapter Forty-four

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Composing Letters

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Elizabeth placed her pen on the desk and leaned back in her desk chair. She lifted her arms above her head, twisted her wrists, rolled her shoulders and rubbed the back of her neck. She had been writing for most of the day after Sunday's noon meal and all of the evening since Jack went to bed. Lifting her teacup to her lips, she realized it was nearly empty and was definitely cold. She dabbed the top page of her letter to Nathan and straightened the stack of pages. 'This is too much. Too detailed. Too overwhelming. If I received a missive like this from someone who wasn't close anymore, would I even read it all? Maybe the first page and the last?'

Yet she knew Nathan needed to know everything. Everything she could think of might not even be everything. She might need years to ask him for forgiveness. But she had to begin. Elizabeth spread the pages over her desk. Six, so far. She reread her letter, realizing she had poured out her heart and she needed to have her father deliver this to Nathan, grammatical errors and all. She had written sincerely, as if they were having a conversation on the settee.

At that moment Elizabeth glanced at the bookshelf beside her desk and saw a three-volume-set of poetry.

'Of course! I will write multiple letters, not just this one. I will… How will I share? 'Lord, help me?' Elizabeth closed her eyes then opened them as an idea formed… 'I will write what I did that I shouldn't have done, and then write what I didn't do that I should have done. That's what Dr, Ben suggested.'

'I'll acknowledge what I had no control over and that over which I've had a measure of control…'

'What I didn't want and what I do want, for myself, for Jack, for Nathan and Allie?' Elizabeth looked down at her pen. 'I want Nathan to believe me, to trust me and be willing to offer his heart to me again…'

A sudden realization struck her. 'What I really want is Nathan's happiness, for him to know love, to have joy and to find peace…'

She leaned back a moment before continuing. 'I should write what I couldn't do, then what I can do beginning right now. I can give thanks, trust God, look for the good and the best, be patient, love, pray… Give it all to God?' Elizabeth thought of Nathan's letter. What had he written about that? She opened her desk drawer to retrieve the letter when she heard something rattle. Reaching in, her fingers touched the Christmas ornament and she slowly removed it.

Gently holding the Christmas cardinal ornament cupped in her hand as if it was a live bird that might fly, Elizabeth remembered. 'We were decorating Nathan and Allie's tree and I chose this ornament, trying to hang it at the top of the tree. Nathan came behind me and reached over me to hang it and I could feel his presence, his warmth. When I turned, we could have kissed we were that close to each other. I remember wishing he had kissed me but then, embarrassed, I slipped away to find another ornament. It had been a lovely excursion to find the tree and it felt so wonderful to be so casually decorating together. I remember confronting Nathan about what was wrong, but he denied there was anything bothering him.'

Still cradling the cardinal, Elizabeth closed her eyes because the next memory was so disturbing. 'Having found out about the promotion and move, that was when I accosted Nathan and accused him of not thinking of Allie's or his friends…'

"Oh, Nathan… can you forgive me?" Whispering then caressing the tiny ornament she lifted it to her lips and kissed it. When Nathan had returned her tub of extra ornaments after Christmas that year, he had placed the cardinal on top with a note that just read, 'Thank you.' Elizabeth rested the cardinal on her desk, far enough from the edge that Jack wouldn't disturb it.

Looking down at her letter, she remembered she'd been looking for Nathan's letter, found it and read again. '…give them [the fears] to God. That means trusting God for your future no matter what…"

Lifting her pen once again, she added, 'Give it all to God, Trusting God for my future, no matter what… God's will be done…'

With renewed energy and in spite of the lateness of the hour, Elizabeth outlined her plan and began letter number three, if she counted the one Bill had already taken to Nathan and the one her father would bring. She wrote until her eyes closed and her chin fell to her chest, gradually leaning forward until her forehead rested on her crossed arms. A stain of blue ink seeped into the wide sleeve of her bathrobe, but it went undiscovered until the following morning.

The 'clop-clop' repetition of horse's hooves riding past awakened Elizabeth from her stupor. As she slowly realized her surroundings, she straightened and glanced at the clock, reading quarter past seven. 'Quarter past seven!' She startled, turned her painful neck and noted it was light out. 'Quarter past seven in the morning? I slept here all night?'

Elizabeth shivered, realizing she was cold and stiff from her uncomfortable sleeping position. As she raised her hands to rub her upper arms she saw it, a dark blot of ink on the page closest to her. Remembering what she had been working on she glanced higher on the page to read the sentence that began to look like gibberish and trailed down the page in a squiggly line that ended in the puddle of dried ink. When she lifted the pen she saw the ink stain on the sleeve of her bathrobe. "Oh my goodness!" She gasped and stood quickly, then realized it was dry.

Shivering again, Elizabeth quickly crossed the room and started a fire, then wrapped a blanket around herself and headed to the kitchen to put on the kettle before changing into an outfit for the morning church service.


At Knox Presbyterian Church, a couple of teachers from St. Anne's approached Nathan and Allie as they entered the vestibule.

"Good morning, Allie. Sergeant Grant! A beautiful day, is it not?" Before he saw her, Nathan recognized Claire Collins voice as well as her turns of phrase. He always thought she spoke as though in a Jane Austin novel!

"Hi, Miss Collins!" Allie responded happily, then noticed two other teachers with her. "Good morning, Miss Bell and Miss Ross!"

"Hello to all of you, and yes, it is a beautiful day, Claire." Nathan added. "We probably need to enjoy the warmth and sunshine while we have it, eh?"

"Yes, and have your winter scarves and gloves near the front door from now on!" Ardis Ross commented. "But besides anticipating Christmas, I do love November and then Advent. The cold winds outside just make inside so much more cozy and hot chocolate so delicious!" Ardis laughed her lilting laugh which Nathan thought somehow fit her pastel color palette of blonde curls, blue-gray eyes and her artistic career.

"That's true. I won't miss my winter weather rounds as a town Constable this year though!"

"Forgive me, Sergeant. What are rounds?" Inquired Rachel Bell.

Nathan chuckled. "First, ladies, please call me Nathan. I reserve my formal title for Depot and RCMP business. May I call you, Rachel? Ardis? Did I remember correctly?"

Charmed, both women nodded and, in unison, said, "Nathan." Laughing they both blushed but listened attentively.

"Rounds are rides a town Mountie makes in the morning and evening to check on their town and those in outlying areas to be certain everyone is safe and not in need of assistance. We check on the farmers, the widows, the businesses, riding past people's homes to make sure everyone is well. Serving and protecting the town is often accomplished merely by the presence of the red serge, but there are times we are called to emergencies or disputes or to meet needs. It's not all law and order."

"Of course," Ardis commented. "That fits with the article about you in the school office. It makes sense now that you would be so aware of everyone's needs."

Nathan coughed slightly. "Ah yes, the article." He looked pained which made Claire and Rachel laugh.

"You look embarrassed, Nathan. Please don't be. Your accomplishments and insights help us know Allie, our student, better you know?" Claire grinned and winked at Nathan.

"I suppose."

"My Dad was an excellent Constable and everyone in Hope Valley loves him." Allie bragged proudly.

"Allie! I doubt everyone loves me! I can think of a few that don't!" He scrunched his nose at his daughter. "You know, criminals and all…"

Realizing the church was filling with parishioners, Rachel whispered quickly, "Nathan. I've heard you sing here at church. Would you be willing to join the choir, especially for the Christmas services? We would appreciate your vocal support and I might just have a solo or two in mind for you too. Could you think about it?"

"Well, I am honored to be asked. Sure, let me think about it? When do you rehearse?"

"Thursday evenings, unless a school event causes me to rearrange the times! If you decide to join us, just come to the side door at seven o'clock?" She raised her face, looking hopeful. "Please?"

"Thank you. I will consider it." He nodded at each of the women and finished, "Be blessed during the service, ladies."

"You too," Whispered Ardis.

"Thank you, Nathan." Whispered Rachel. "You as well."

Claire just waved as she turned to join her fiancée.

Nathan motioned Allie to a seat and noticed that Ardis and Rachel slipped into the row right in front of theirs. He smiled but thought a quick prayer, 'Help me to concentrate today with those two beauties in my line of sight!'


Allie noticed her teachers' presence and grinned to herself, proud as a daughter could be!

"Let us rise," the Pastor requested, "And attend to the reading of the Letter of Paul to the Ephesians, chapter three, beginning at the end of verse seventeen."

"[May] ye be rooted and grounded in love. May [ye] be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height; and to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fullness of God." (*12)

The Pastor added, "Amen."

"Let us join together and sing a new hymn you will find pasted inside the back cover of your hymnal, 'The Love of God.'"

'The love of God is greater far than tongue or pen can ever tell;
it goes beyond the highest star, and reaches to the lowest hell.
The wand'ring child is reconciled by God's beloved Son.
The aching soul again made whole, and priceless pardon won.

Refrain:
O love of God, how rich and pure! How measureless and strong!
It shall forevermore endure—the saints' and angels' song.

When ancient time shall pass away, and human thrones and kingdoms fall;
when those who here refuse to pray on rocks and hills and mountains call;
God's love so sure, shall still endure, all measureless and strong;
grace will resound the whole earth round—the saints' and angels' song
. [Refrain]

Could we with ink the ocean fill, and were the skies of parchment made;
were ev'ry stalk on earth a quill, and ev'ryone a scribe by trade;
to write the love of God above would drain the ocean dry;
nor could the scroll contain the whole, though stretched from sky to sky
. [Refrain]' (*13)


After Nathan's early morning telephone call, Archer Grant knew it was time. Nathan had filled them in on Saturday's conversations with Zachary Grant and now Archer felt it was time to write. This letter though was like no other because this letter was from a father to a son he had never met. Archer and Ruth had been praying about this for the past few days, and after assisting with clean-up from mid-day dinner, Archer couldn't delay. He sat at his desk, took up his pen and wrote.

'Dear Zachary,
I hope you will understand how difficult it is to put my thoughts into words in our situation? My feelings are mixed-shame, sadness and elation.

Only God can help me with the shame because it is all mine. I pray you have not suffered shame at the hands of unkind people as you grew up? You have nothing to be ashamed about, so stand tall, Zachary. It is my sin that brings me shame, but I am learning to accept the forgiveness of God for yet another sin.

My sadness is that I knew nothing about you until a few days ago. Fathers should know their sons. I failed with fathering Nathan and your sister, Colleen, and now with you. I am saddened by the lost opportunities with each one of you and look to God for comfort and peace for both you and Nathan.

I am elated because I, we all, finally know about you and can welcome you into your family. I have another son! I am so thankful that Nathan has reached out to you in-person and I hope to soon as well. My joy is that you are, Zachary. You exist! Do you understand? God brought you into this world for His purposes and He loves you very much. Just knowing about you makes me love you too, Son. I am certain that knowing you will only grow that love.

I will ask this again in person, but please forgive me for taking advantage of your mother? We found comfort together for one night, but it was wrong of me. Still God can bring good out of our human failures, and you are that good.

A verse in this morning's service spoke to me. Psalm eighty-six verse five, 'For thou, Lord, art good, and ready to forgive; and plenteous in mercy unto all them that call upon thee.' (*14)

I spoke with Nathan this morning, so he has informed you prior to the arrival of this letter, but your step-mother and I are planning a visit the first weekend in November and Nathan is arranging for special leave for you as the Chief Superintendent promised. We will finally meet in ten days.

I look forward to getting to know you, Zachary.
Yours,
Dad'

Archie brought the letter to his wife and asked her to read it. He watched as she did so.

"That's beautifully expressed, Archie." Ruth handed the letter back to Archie. "We'll pray it blesses him."

"Yes." 'Please Lord?' He sent a quick prayer heavenward as he fit the page into an envelope as he informed Ruth. "I plan to post the letter on my way to work in the morning.


Allie, Sally and Rachel waved goodbye to Nathan as he dropped them off for Youth Group on Sunday evening. Bill and Adeli were returning to her home for a few hours and that gave Nathan a welcomed evening to himself. As much as he loved his family, Nathan needed to be alone with his thoughts in order to have the energy to give anything to other people. This had been an especially draining weekend so he needed to prepare for Allie's birthday, then get comfortable in front of the fire, grab some tea and read or write, maybe in his journal?

Nathan looked over the arrangements for Wednesday evening, checking that he had done everything he needed to do. Carol and Peter were hosting and Bill was assisting Carol to prepare the meal and a special cake. Nathan would take the afternoon off, get flowers and help Bill decorate the dining room then would pick-up Allie and bring her back to the Cottage to change for dinner and receive some gifts from her grandparents and from him. Allie's closest friends had been invited to the dinner party and Jane Samuels would personally collect them at St. Anne's and bring them to change into party dresses at the Collin's home before surprising Allie. Nathan would deliver the girls home after the birthday dinner and some games. Adeli had offered to lead the games for which Nathan was particularly grateful.

While his tea steeped, Nathan wrapped gifts and stowed them back in his closet, covered with a blanket, then made his way to the sofa.

As he opened his journal, the letter from Elizabeth fell into his lap and he realized he had better address that since Bill had informed him that he would return to Hope Valley after next weekend. Nathan wanted to send a response along with Bill.

Early this morning Nathan had written in his journal about his Saturday with Zach, but now he had to face his thoughts about Elizabeth. Unfolding her letter he reread it slowly, then arranged his stationery on a book in his lap. He sent an arrow prayer for wisdom than began.

'Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for your letter.

I am thankful that you are working on facing your fears with Joseph and the doctor coming alongside. I trust Joseph and am grateful for his patient listening, wise counsel and faithful prayers as I worked through some issues while in Hope Valley over the last couple of years. He is a good man and he will not steer you wrong.

Bill had informed me that Lucas is no longer a part of your life and has departed from Hope Valley. For reasons I cannot reveal, I am grateful he is no longer in town.

Yes, Allie and I are finding our place in Regina. Allie has quickly formed friendships with some wonderful young ladies and they will be surprising Allie at a birthday dinner this week. Allie is thriving at St. Anne's Academy and enjoying the new opportunities available in a larger, city school as well as a church with a youth group. I am amazed at Allie's maturity over these past weeks and very grateful.

Please give Jack a salute from Mountie Nathan?

God has provided for our needs in unexpected, yet welcome ways. It sounds as though God is providing for you as well.

Trusting Him,

Nathan'

He reached for his Bible and opened to the Psalms, writing out a couple verses at the bottom of the page that Nathan hoped Elizabeth would take to heart.

'Psalm 31:7 I will be glad and rejoice in your love for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.' (*15)

'Psalm 34:4 I sought the LORD and he heard me and delivered me from all my fears.' (*16)

Nathan reread his letter, then folded it into an envelope. He would reread it another time or two before he gave it to Bill. He wanted to be sure it was right.

Leaning his head to rest on the back of the sofa, Nathan closed his eyes. 'I imagine she wants information from me, about me. Elizabeth was always curious, but I don't think I want to tell her anything. When she ended our friendship, she ended the right to know anything. If Bill tells her, or Rosemary or anyone else, I don't care. It's just she doesn't deserve to hear it from me. I still don't trust her…'

Nathan sighed deeply and began to pray quietly. "Lord? I forgive Elizabeth for her cruelty and dismissiveness, for her unkindness and harsh words. I really am glad to hear she is getting counsel with Joseph. Guide him as he endeavors to help her. And guide Elizabeth to face who she has become, what she has done, how she has treated others, all of those things she needs to face before she'll be herself again? You know her needs better than I do. I want her to be healed, Lord, and I trust that is what you are doing in her life right now. Help her? And please help me to guard my heart?"


(*12) Psalm 43: 4, King James Version, Public Domain

(*13) 'The Love of God' by Frederick Lehman, 1917, (sources differ, but either the second or third verse is based on the Jewish poem 'Haddamut' by Meir Ben Isaac Nehorai, 1050) Public Domain

(*14) Psalm 86:5, King James Version, Public Domain

(*15) Ps 31:7 King James Version, Public Domain

(*16) Psalm 34:4 King James Version, Public Domain