Chapter One: A Question of Honesty
~ Lena ~
"The joke's on you, it's always been on you." Lex grunted, pulling himself onto a chair, and hitting a button on a small remote triggering a display behind him to start playing security footage of Kara Danvers using Supergirl's powers. I couldn't pay attention to the rest of his taunts, as my life seemed to unravel in an instant. My best friend in the world, the one person I trusted more than anything had been lying to me from the start.
Yet as I watched her, almost every single instance of her using her powers was to protect me. I felt so torn, painfully torn. My mind was unable to cope with the news as my brother lay dying, a victim of my own actions. Shots fired partially to protect Kara, whose life was more in danger from Lex than I had ever realized.
"Kara Danvers is Supergirl." He said almost gleefully, pulling my attention back towards him. "I'm about to die, but at least I lived without ever being a fool. You're left with no one, and nothing." Lex said bitterly, hatred punctuating every syllable as the last of his life drained from his eyes.
I almost wanted to shoot him a few more times to be certain, but that felt petty. Instead I opened a portal out into space directed towards the sun and tossed the gun into the portal. I knew it would take a very long time to get there, but any evidence of my crime was now gone. I closed my eyes, feeling the weight of my actions. I hated myself for killing Lex, but I didn't see another choice.
Then my mind turned towards Supergirl, and her constant lies. I loved Kara, but Lex was right about one thing, she had treated me like a fool, and that betrayal stung more than anything. I knew my mind was slipping, my grip on my conscience and faith in humanity precariously close to falling over the edge. All because I had trusted someone again, and like always that trust was betrayed.
But could I hold that against Kara? I knew better than anyone that some secrets had to be kept. Worse still, when there was friendship those secrets could compound, with white lies meant to protect building and building, until the truth had the power to destroy. So had this truth destroyed my connection to Kara Danvers?
I opened another portal, this one to my office where I collapsed at my desk feeling utterly defeated.
I wasn't sure how long I rested my head on my desk, but eventually my planner alarm went off, and glancing at it, I was expecting a meeting. Instead it was a lunch date, with Kara. I felt my body start to shake uncontrollably, a deep crazy laugh bubbling up from deep inside of me. I had no idea how I was going to pull myself together in minutes. I needed time to process, to understand how I felt. The deep hurt that I could feel in my bones was far too powerful to ignore. But it had to come from somewhere.
I sat still, thinking about everything, until Jess sent a warning that Kara had arrived. I sat up and took a few deep breaths, the door immediately opened and there she was. Her perfect disguise consisted of a pair of glasses and completely different mannerisms. Yet the presentation was the key, Kara Danvers and Supergirl felt like different people. It made the truth difficult to wrap my mind around, yet I should've noticed their resemblance.
I couldn't muster a smile, I was too emotionally devastated, instead I shook my head. "Kara, I'm sorry I didn't reach out. I had totally forgotten about our lunch date, but something has come up."
"Oh, that's okay. You have a busy schedule." Kara was holding a couple of bags of Big Belly Burger, and I could smell a whiff of my favorite. She was always thoughtful, kind to a fault. I had to know her reasons for lying to me, it didn't match her nature. Unless she had been hiding her personality as well as her secret identity.
"But since you're here, that food smells delicious." I held back the sigh that was threatening to come out, and stood straightening my skirt. She looked at me and her face immediately fell, setting the food down on the coffee table next to the couch. She moved over to me and pulled me into an unexpected hug. I was at a loss, I couldn't understand how she could tell I was upset.
"What happened?" She asked, her expression receptive and sympathetic. The question was asked, and it was my turn for the truth. I hesitated, but let out my sigh knowing that lies only beget more lies. If I started down the road of dishonesty with her, how could I ever reach a point where we had trust again? Was that something I even wanted? I searched my feelings, trying to figure out what to say, and then pulled away and motioned for the couch.
"I found Lex, and I removed the Harun-El from him." I started, and I could see the relief in her eyes, but I shook my head. "I knew he would always be a threat, so… so I shot him." I felt my body begin to tremble, expecting her to reject me for such a violent act. Instead she just pulled me into a hug.
"That must've been an impossible choice." She said softly as she pressed into me tightly. I felt warm tears begin to fall, and I shut my eyes on them pressing my face into her shoulder. I held onto her for longer than I should have, but I needed the contact. Until eventually I had to fess up to the rest of it and pulled away, she reached over and pulled a tissue from the box just out of my reach and handed it to me.
I blew my nose and took a deep breath before continuing. I had no idea how she would react to this. "There's more. As he was dying he… he began to taunt me. Ridicule me about being a fool. That I couldn't see the truth about you. That you are Supergirl."
Kara's mouth opened slightly and a flash of anger crossed her face. She took a couple of steadying breaths, tears starting to form in the corners of her eyes. "I have wanted to tell you so many times. I didn't because I thought it was safer for you to be in the dark. I never thought you were a fool, I kept waiting for you to see through me. And every time I lied to you about my actions, it hurt. Now that you know, I will never lie to you again."
"You should've told me, I would've kept your secret." I said, feeling my inner walls raising. I wanted to shut her out, but she gave me that look. The one that always disarmed me, and instead of pushing her away I let her respond.
Her eyes did that thing, the look she could give me that melted my soul. It made me want to forget everything. "It was never about my faith in you Lena, I have trusted you since almost the first day we met. You have been one of the best parts of my life." There was such utter honesty in her voice, and deep down I knew it was real. But at the same time I had to reject this, reject her. I couldn't trust her again.
"I need some time. I need to think, and process all of this. You were my best friend, and you betrayed the trust I placed in you, again and again. You even pitted me against your alter ego on several occasions." I countered. "I could've used your help with Sam, and so many other times. But I thought I couldn't turn to Supergirl because she wouldn't understand. If I had known, I would have let you in. I wouldn't have kept things from you."
"I know, and I wish I had had the courage to tell you sooner. It just built up. I didn't tell you when I had that first chance, because you were a Luthor and I wasn't sure if what you were presenting to me was real. Then you proved yourself, and saved my life so many times. After every hug I wanted to tell you, but as time went on I knew it would only hurt you. I desperately didn't want to hurt you." She was crying now, and I could tell she wanted to reach for me but I kept my distance. Standing and beginning to pace.
"I... I… killed my brother for you." I sputtered out, gesturing at her with a quivering finger. The weight of my actions bearing down on me. It was unfathomable. I couldn't understand what I had done.
"I can't imagine what you're feeling right now. Rage and pain and grief. I'll be here when you need me, I'll stay by your side if you want me or I will keep my distance if you need time and space to process. Or, if you cannot make that choice right now let me just be your shoulder. You won't find judgement here, I could never kill. But I've been tempted so many times with Lex. So has my cousin. You did what we couldn't do, and while I cannot abide murder, it seems like this was basically self defense." She sounded so kind and resolute, and it was exactly what I wanted to hear, but I immediately shook my head in violent disagreement.
"It was deliberate, I went there to kill him. That's premeditated." The words came out like poison, plunged directly into my heart. I had committed murder, I had become the villain of the story and it hurt so much.
"Lex was going to do horrible things, and he even managed to hurt you as he was dying. People have done less and are worthy of being called a hero." She tried again, and I just wanted her to go away.
I nodded, despite not agreeing with her sentiment. "Perhaps, but I don't feel like one right now. You should go Kara."
Kara nodded, "okay, but will you be alright? Will we be alright?" She leaned forward slightly, and I could see the hope for the future in her gaze.
"Yeah." I lied. Giving her a fake smile. She gave me a look like she wasn't sure she believed me but stood and left through the door. I half expected her to swoop away off my balcony.
As soon as the door closed I slumped forward with my head in my hands. I moved over to my desk and hit the intercom. "Jess, cancel my appointments for the rest of the day. I'm going home."
"Are you alright Ms Luthor?" She said in her usual professional tone of voice, but with a slight hint of worry.
"No, I'm feeling under the weather. Please extend my apologies to Miss Nakamura." I wasn't entirely lying, but I couldn't imagine trying to fake my way through a contract negotiation. "Please forward her contract to Sam, I may be away from the office for a few days."
"Of course. Shall I call your driver?" She replied, this time no longer hiding the worry in her voice.
"Please, and thank you Jess." I said, holding my voice steady, keeping up appearances.
"You're quite welcome Ms. Luthor. I hope you feel better." I shut off the intercom and gathered myself together to head downstairs. Frank pulled up a couple of minutes later in one of the company limousines. We made it across town relatively quickly, and the elevator ride up to my penthouse was quick. I dropped my briefcase and purse in the foyer and collapsed on my couch feeling a wave of self-loathing and insecurity.
My first thoughts of getting revenge on Kara had vanished. Really all I wanted was for her to be there with me, holding me and telling me again and again that I'd made the right choice. Which she had already done, but that didn't stop the cycle of recrimination and hate circling around my brain. I kept hearing Lex, his brutal taunts, and his final words on repeat. But more than that, I could see his eyes, the life draining out of them.
Even with my eyes closed I could feel his stare, this time coming from the family portrait Lillian had given me of the four of us. Lionel looked strong, before the cancer had gotten to him. Lillian smiled with her trademark smugness. Then there was me as a little girl, looking away from the rest of them, my child self clearly still traumatised. It had only been a year after losing my mother when we posed for the painting. Then there was Lex, the remaining innocence of his youth still visible in his eyes. I stared at those eyes for an hour. Until I couldn't take it anymore and screamed in anger and frustration, standing and picking up one of my expensive glass heirlooms and throwing it at the painting. The glass shattering and cutting several holes in the canvas, one of them through Lex's face splitting it in two.
I needed something, some kind of relief or escape. So I turned towards my bar, and pulled down a 50 year old bottle of Glenfiddich. Breaking the seal and gulping down the amber liquid letting it burn my throat and sit like acid in my stomach. Half of the bottle later and I was practically comatose. My mind was swirling with guilt and pain before I passed out.
"You must not let your emotions cloud your thoughts Lena. Chess is a game of moves and counter moves, strategy and above all confidence. You cannot just move your pieces willy-nilly." Lionel said, trying to teach me the finer points of the game. I liked it, but I just wanted to play. Something that was deeply frowned upon. There was no time for frivolity in the Luthor household.
I moved my queen to block his bishop putting his king in checkmate. He sucked in some air. His face twisting slightly up into a grin. "I believe that is game. Good job Lena, that is your first win."
I remember feeling elated, even at six years old I knew I had impressed him. It was as if a switch had been flipped, and suddenly he started treating me as a beloved daughter. Actively spending time with me, which covered some of his more demanding traits. Which lasted until he got sick six months later. A few months after that he was gone. My last memory of him was holding his boney hand as he told me that Lillian would take care of me.
Lillian spent most of my childhood and into my teenage years resenting me for the time I had with my father. It made forging any relationship with her difficult. Then my brother became obsessed with power, specifically in Superman. As the years passed, his interest in the superhero morphed into a mad passion. He had to be the one to destroy Superman, no matter the consequences. It was why I had turned against him, my first true act of independence.
"You made the wrong decision Lena. Lex will never forgive you for your betrayal, and neither will I." Lillian said with such hatred and venom that I felt utterly alone. My family was gone and all I had was a broken company tainted by Lex's actions.
So I turned it around, founded L-Corp, and that brought Kara into my life. She was such a bright point, a beacon of hope that gave me more than I could ever give her in return. She immediately treated me with respect and trust, believing I was good despite the lessons of intolerance my family had tried to drill into me. At first that seemed to affect Supergirl as well, until the topic of Kryptonite came up. The practical applications were important, and I had to hide the fact I had broken the formula of artificial Kryptonite.
When she found out about it, I could see her disappointment. I should've known then, it was as if she were personally hurt by my deception, and in retrospect that was probably the case. No matter how important my discovery became, it tainted my relationship with the super. Yet Kara remained my supportive best friend. I couldn't get past the two sides of her. How could she remain so steadfast and loyal as Kara, while also keeping a cold distance as Supergirl?
The dreams made me restless, the memories thick and difficult. I sat up in agony, my head spinning and my stomach twisted into knots. A part of me just wanted it all to end, to silence my demons. I got up and I stumbled into the bathroom, and threw up several times. My stomach needed to empty everything, and my abdominal muscles clenched even when there was nothing left. I laid down on the cold marble, as the room spun and decided I wasn't worth it. I had lived a cold, empty life. Devoid of passion and warmth. I had betrayed my own personal code by ending Lex's life. I had betrayed Kara and her endless optimism, and she had betrayed me with lie after lie.
I sat up too quickly, almost causing me to be sick again. Then I pulled myself up to the medicine cabinet. I searched through the options, pills were imprecise. But Lionel's old straight razor was perfect. I found it in a leather bound box hidden in the back of one of my drawers, and stood long enough to draw a bath. I slipped off my jacket and let it drop onto the floor. I thought about taking off the rest of my clothes, but it didn't matter anymore. Then I stepped into the scalding water, and settled down until my body was submerged up to my neck. Then I drew the blade over each wrist and lowered them into the water, closing my eyes. I felt heavy, my mind slowly going blank. Blackness began to engulf me, but a part of me didn't want to go. So I pushed out the words, not even sure if I was saying them aloud.
"Kara, help me." I wasn't sure it was real. My mind shut down and darkness began to consume me. Yet somewhere, I thought I heard my name. I felt something lift me up and warmth burning my wrists. Were they shackles being melted onto my limbs as I fell into hell? I deserved as much, eternal torment. Then I felt wind blowing hard against me, and people shouting. Something stabbing into my arm, and pressure on my chest. Then I slipped, and everything stopped.
