A/N: Hello. This is Voldie's assistant. Voldemort has been unable to answer your letters because he's busy promoting his new movie 'Happy Feet' in which he has a bit role. I have managed to forward some of your letters to him and he has finally (slow poke that he is) replied. So here they are!

I'm afraid I have some bad news for you now. Voldie will not be able to answer any more letters because of interactive policy. Apparently it's not allowed. He doesn't want to get his account deleted. So this will be the last chapter of Owling Voldie. Sorry guys!

Disclaimer: Please. I mean everyone knows this isn't mine.


Chapter 8
Dear Voldemort:

Mr. Moony would like to say that Mr. Voldy is stupid to not think of just getting bit by a vampire to get immortality.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony & would like to add that his own little "prongs jr." can defeat Mr. Voldy with his eyes closed.

Mr. Wormtail complements Mr. Voldy on his nose job.

Mr. Padfoot would like to say that he has all the pink robes, leotards AND tu-tus safely tucked underneath him & that he has humped them all at least twice.

(The other 3 messrs glare at Mr. Padfoot with disgust)

sincerely,

the MWPP marauders


Dear marauders:

Mr. Moony – Vampires aren't immortal. They're undead. Besides, they all hate me and would never bite me. How sad.

Mr. Prongs – Yes but you couldn't, could you? Killed you didn't I? Ha-ha!

Mr. Wormtail – Thank you darling.

Mr. Padfoot – Aren't you dead? And also – EW!

Voldie


Dear Voldie,

I noticed. She's written about it in her dairy, and the stupid little brother read it... he won't even go near her. And I asked mom if killing was fun and she said it wasn't fun to have to kill someone because they betrayed you. is misusing muggle artifacts fun?

-Esarie, but just call me Sarie


Dear Sarie,
Misusing muggle artifacts is an absolute JOY! Try it sometime. It ROCKS!

Voldie


Dear Mr. Tom Marvolo Riddle,
I got typing lessons! It's not Damirl, It's Daniel.

-Daniel Blue


Dear D.B,

Congratulations. Now where's the celebration pie? Gimmie-it! I WANT PIE!

Voldie


Dear Lord Voldemort,
We're sorry if we've upset you, would you like red instead?

Sincerely,
The society for tasteful robes


Dear S.F.T.R,

Red would be alright. The death eater chronicle says red's going to be the new pink.

Voldie


Dear 'Voldie',
We're sorry. would you like a gift certificate to the imporium of pink robes instead?

Sincerely,
Maryanne Healer
Florish and Blots


Dear people whose names I'm too lazy to type out,

No. I want red robes now. Pink is on its way out. RED is what I want. To match my eyes. RED RED RED!

Voldie


Dear Voldie,
If I can get rid of all these pink robes by doing that, then ok. I mean, I bought three billion sets of pink robes!

Sincerely,
The person... who is also the annoying author who makes thee cry.

PS: I hope that doesn't make you sad... but you shouldn't hand out invites to random people. :P


Dear person,

You'll have to keep the pink robes. I want red robes now. Unless you dye the pink robes for me. If you do this you can join my death eater troupe. Remember, you get a free minion!

Voldie


Dear Voldie

The other day in Flourish & Blotts, I saw Peter Pettigrew. Peter Pettigrew picked a peck of picked peppers, how many pecks of pickled peppers did Peter Pettigrew pick?

Concerned Citizen


Dear Citizen,

You annoy me with you limericky tounge twisters. CRUCIO!

Oops. I singed the parchment. Oh well.

Voldie


Dear Voldie,

What in all that is evil is wrong with you! My god, your pathetic attempt to hide a horcrux, was just that pathetic. Haha! I laugh in your face, I have stolen one of your horcruxes and you will never get it back! I you and regret ever meeting you, so long sucker! One day you will be as mortal as all of-arugj. (struggling for air) As. All. of...us.

Forever yours,

Master's Elf and Deceased

P.S. Master has died.

P.P.S Master is R.A.B


Dear House Elf,

Are you on crack? If you are, lend me some.

Voldie


Dear Evil One,

I hate you.

Gr,
Mandy


Dear Mandy,

I love you!

Voldie


Dear Mr. Voldemort
I work for the Daily Prophet and was conducting a survey of wizards and witches favorite colors. Ever since your obsession with pink has been out in the open, the amount of pink lovers has droped 100! So now, no one likes pink, it is now officialy OUT. TAKE THAT YHOU EVIL PRAT! YOU FAVORITE COLOR IS HATED BY ALL! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Anyways. Just thought you ought to know.
Sincerely,
Ms. Delia Widgets
Daily Prophet Reporter
Dear Prophet Reporter Person Who Is Evil and Mean,

Ever since Miss Granger caught Rita Skeeter and made her stop writing, I thought no other evil reporter could take her place. But now you've come. Join me! Join me and my band of death eaters!

And incidently, I don't like pink no more. Rite now, red is da bomb!

Voldie


Dear Moldy,

Guess what? I know all the stores are out of pink robes, but I have a few extra. JUST ENOUGH FOR YOU AND YOUR DEATH EATERS. You could buy it for only twenty vaults full of gold. How about it? It's a good deal, no? Just come over to 12 Grimmauld Place. And don't bring your wand.

Sincerely,
Ms. Bushy-hair


Dear Granger,

At first I was going to come over and get the pink robes because even though I don't like pink anymore (haven't you heard that red is da bomb?) Wormtail started crying when he read the death eater chronicle that said pink was on it's way out. But then my assistant started laughing at me. Then she started singing "Stupid Girl" by Garbage. Which is so unfair because I'm not a girl. I think.

Anyway, then I realized that it's YOU. Darn it Hermione Granger. If you weren't so good, you'd make a great death eater.

Voldie


Dear coughcoughcoughStupidcoughcoughcoughHeadcoughcoughcough,
I heard about the people making you cry... And I just wanted to add myself to their numbers! Attached to this letter, as you may have found out already, are 9,9,9,9,9,9,9,9,9,9,9 sets of black robes! (I KNOW YOU LIKE PINK! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)

Song of the Phoenix's Fearful Courage

PS-MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


Dear Song of the Phoenix's Fearful Courage,

Thank you for my new house. I've strung all the robes you sent me together and now I have a spacious little house on…

Gosh I was just about to tell you my hideout. How stupid would I be if I told you my new house was on Stoatsted Hill?

Voldie


Dear Moldy Shorts,

I write to you on behalf of the Society for the Gathering of Clothing and Other Useful and/or Useless Artifacts fo the Benefit of Muggle Victimes of Insane Megalomaniacs/Dark Lords from the Wizarding World. We request that you donate 30 pink robes, 500 sets of green, lacy undergarnments, 10 socks with neon orange print saying 'LONG ROCK THE QUEEN OF FIRE-EXTINGUISHERS' and/or 'MAYBE TOMORROW, LAST WEEK'.

Should you fail to reply and/or send the required goods within this fashion season, we will use force and Swiss cheese.

Yours sincirely malicious,

Sherrie Sharida India Rose Dawn Vevilya Shiruri Oro Midoli Tol-De Bok (shortened version), Omnicat and Professional Bribist of the Society for the Gathering of Clothing and Other Useful and/or Useless Artifacts fo the Benefit of Muggle Victimes of Insane Megalomaniacs/Dark Lords from the Wizarding World


Dear malicious people,

Now really. I was a little late in replying and you toilet papered my house and filled my fridge with swiss cheese. Jeez. Impatient people. I would have loved to donate to your cause but now I'm just cheesed off with you. Excuse the pun.

Voldie


Dear Voldie,

What is your underwaer perference? Boxers, briefs or thongs? Or, dare I say it, nothing? I tried asking Bellatrix but she just said something about closets.

-I am not a pervert


Dear pervert,

I'm not telling you. But if you want a real answer you should ask Victor Krum. He knows.

Voldie


Dear Voldie
I regret to announce that your order in One Rings United(ORN)was abolished. You have Mr. Rat-face and Prissy Pants to thank for that. If you would like to place another order it will cost 9 galleons and a Basilisk. We hope you have a nice day.

signed,
Sauron (Lord of Middle Earth and President of ORN)

P.S. If you see any hobbits around please let my messengers know and your order will be free!

P.S.S. You still owe me ten knuts for the dark mark!


Dear Sauron,

Alright you silly man. I shall punish Wormtail and Bellatrix for this. Here are your 9 galleons and basilisk egg. But I owe you nothing for the dark mark. In fact, you owe me for giving you Saruman. He was such a faithfull death eater.

How're the orcs? Tell them that I miss them and love them.

Voldie


Dear Voldie,
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

signed,
umm...me I guess


Dear umm…me I guess,

If a woodchuck could chuck….chucking wood chuck…wood…oh for heavens sake!

chuck it

Voldie


Dear Voldie,
How dare you tell JKR to kill me? You'll pay for that, mark my words! If anyone should die it's you! Ha! I'll be researching how to destroy you! You won't be around much longer! Harry will finish you!

signed,
Hermione Granger


Dear Miss Granger

:gulp:

Voldie