Well, hello there everyone. At this point, it's probably meaningless to apologize for how long it takes for me to get these chapters to you all. But regardless, I'm still sorry. Very, very sorry. I never anticipated it taking this long, especially not six months, but writing has just not been coming easily to me lately. I meant to have this done months ago, but as I'm sure you've seen me talk about, it's been hard to write Dawsey as of late.
And then with this chapter, for some reason, it was hard for me to write. I really struggled with their talk, and wanting to get it right. I ended up writing and re-writing probably six or seven times. But I'm very happy with how it turned out, and I hope you all like it too.
We are nearing the end here of this story, but we've still got a few storylines left to play out. Thank you so much for sticking with me on this one, it means the world to me. I know it's been a while, so if you don't remember what happened in the last chapter, I'd suggest skimming over before reading this.
Buckle up, this one is a heavy one. I hope you enjoy.
part sixteen
"I want to come home."
Her words hung in the air around them as Matt did what he could to process them. But it almost felt like he couldn't, like he was sure he'd misheard her, Casey feeling it more likely that his mind was playing tricks on him than it was that she'd actually said she wanted to come home.
But when he looked at her and saw the near pleading look in her eye, and the slightly pained look on her face, he knew he'd heard her correctly.
He just didn't know what to make of it.
With furrowed brows, he kept his eyes on her, Dawson's teary gaze locked on him as well as she took a few short breaths, a palpable tension slowly growing between them as Matt had yet to say anything. And that about terrified her, Gabby trying to push down the small bit of doubt she felt creep into her system as he still hadn't responded to her, as she had no idea what was running through his mind.
She thought he'd be happy, that he'd be over the moon about her wanting to come home. That she wanted to come home to him. But his reaction hadn't been what she expected, as his face was nearly blank, a clear confusion radiating off of him as she was beginning to regret her abrupt moment of honesty.
"Matt…"
"I- I'm sorry, I'm just-" He cut himself off, shaking his head lightly before he reached out for her hands, Gabby relaxing the second she felt his touch as he shifted closer to her on the couch. "I wasn't… I wasn't expecting that, you wanting to come home. But you do? You want to come home?" He repeated her words, like he was still trying to process what she'd said, Gabby not missing the soft smile that appeared over his face before it fell, as it was becoming clear he wasn't sure how to react in this moment.
"I do." She responded quickly, Gabby clearing her throat as it suddenly felt a bit hard to speak, those nerves never leaving her system as Casey drew in a deep breath. She kept her eyes on him as a look of deep thought covered his face, Gabby coming to realize she just had to get it all out there before this conversation could go any further. "I… I want to come home. I want to be home, with you." She told him honestly, Matt's face softening as she felt him give her hand a gentle squeeze. "It's something I've been thinking about a lot, especially since coming back from Chicago last time, and how hard it was to leave you… How hard it's been being away from you. Every time I think about it, it just- it makes me realize more and more that I don't think Puerto Rico is where I belong anymore." She breathed out, Matt listening to her every word as he gave her a sad nod, before she continued once more.
"I get this isn't what you expected, but every time I think about being here, and what that's doing to us, I just… I just keep going back to one thing; how I'm here, and you're home, and how that's where I should be." She told him, her voice strong as she needed him to understand just how serious she was. "That's where I want to be. I want to be home, with you… If that's something you want, too."
Her last few words snapped him from the fog his brain was in, Matt immediately nodding as he held onto her hand tighter, the man still feeling a little bit of shock from this entire conversation. But he was trying his best to work through it. "Of course I do." He wasted no time in assuring her of that, Matt not wanting there to be any confusion on where he stood. And the second he spoke, it was like he could physically see some tension leaving her body, Casey understanding just how badly she needed to hear him say that. "You know I want you home, I want you with me, I want nothing more than for us to be together again... But I just- what about your job?"
Gabby pursed her lips together as she registered his question, his uncertainty still evident in the air around them as she could tell he was a little lost. And her lack of a response had done little to help clear things up.
"I mean… the work you're doing here, you love it. I know you do, I've seen it." He continued on, Gabby staying quiet as she drew in a slow, deep breath. "You love being here, helping the people here… I know how happy this all makes you, Gabby."
"It does." She was quick to reply, the woman shaking her head slightly. "You're right, I do love my job… I did." She told him, Matt's eyebrows furrowing as he picked up on her wording. "But it just- it doesn't feel the same anymore… And it hasn't for a while."
"What do you mean?" He asked her, Matt's words soft and gentle, keeping her calm as he spoke up once more.
"I… I don't know how to explain it." She started, Casey nodding slowly as he waited for her to figure out how to voice whatever was going on in her head. "But being here just… doesn't feel like where I'm supposed to be anymore. And I guess I'd noticed it for a while, but then after our last visit when I was in Chicago, when I got back here, I just felt… it felt wrong." She admitted, his face falling slightly. "...It felt empty. Like I got here, and it immediately felt like this was the last place I was supposed to be."
He went silent for a few seconds, Matt needing a moment to really hear what she was saying as the last thing he wanted to do was dismiss her or how she was feeling. But that didn't change the fact that he was still stunned by all of this, and why she hadn't come to him sooner.
"...That's why you were upset, before you left." He eventually spoke as his mind went back to their last day together in Chicago, his eyes locked on her as the look on her face gave her away. "You weren't sure about coming back."
Slowly, she nodded, Gabby blinking back a few of the tears sitting in her eyes before she spoke up. "I wasn't sure if I wanted to come back." She repeated his words, Matt breathing in shakily before he nodded. "And when I got here, I think a part of me knew then I didn't want to be here. And that's only gotten worse since I came back… I don't want to feel that way anymore."
Her words were honest, Matt nodding slightly before his lips pursed together, the man knowing he needed to say something sooner rather than later.
"Why didn't you say anything?" Those were the first words that came to his mind, Casey saying them before he really had a chance to think as Gabby gave him a small, weak smile.
"...I didn't know how." She answered without much of a pause, Matt taking a few slow breaths before nodding once more, Gabby realizing after a few seconds that he didn't have anything to add. "It wasn't- it wasn't something we'd talked about, not really… not like that. I wasn't even sure what I was feeling when I was still in Chicago, and I wasn't sure how to bring it up… and I guess a part of me didn't want to have this type of conversation over the phone, even though I wanted to tell you and talk to you about it. But then everything kept getting so messed up, and we weren't able to see each other, and I just never found the right time." She rambled out, Matt picking up on her nervous habit as he reached out to rub his palm over her leg gently, Gabby giving herself a moment to catch her breath. "So it's just… it's been something I've been sitting on for a while, something I've had a lot of time to think about. And I know this is all coming out of nowhere for you, but it's not for me, and I know this is what I want… I don't want to be here anymore."
Matt held back for a few seconds when she finished speaking, as he needed some time for his brain to catch up with her words, which they eventually did.
"...Gabby, are you sure about this?"
He could tell she was a bit surprised by the question, her reaction making him wonder what she actually was expecting him to ask her, but he didn't really dwell on it as she gave him a strong nod.
"I am."
"You'd be okay leaving your life here?" He pressed, but his tone wasn't harsh, he was just needing to know she was sure in the decision she was making. And Gabby understood why. "...Leaving your brother, all the friends you've made here, the work you're doing… You'd be okay leaving all that behind?"
The second those words left his lips, he saw the hesitation that began to set in across her features, Gabby unable to hide it from him as her eyes darted down in between them, Casey breathing in deeply before he continued.
"I'm not trying to second guess you, or tell you what to do, I'm just… I want to understand." He spoke softly, Gabby giving him a slight nod before looking back up towards him. "We've been so… disconnected from each other lately, and I want to know that you're sure about this. That you'd be okay leaving this all behind."
"I would." She answered quickly, but her words were almost a little too quick for his liking, Casey beginning to run his teeth along his bottom lip as he waited to see what she would say next. "I… I won't sit here and say it wouldn't be sad for me, leaving all this behind. But it's what I want to do, because being here isn't worth sacrificing us." His ears perked up by the time she finished her thought, Matt looking towards her to find that determined look on her face that he knew so well. "Nothing is, but especially not this. And it's not like I was going to be here forever… We talked about how when my contract was up we'd figure out what we were going to do, and even though neither of us said it, I think we both knew I wasn't staying here…" She continued on, Matt running his tongue along the inside of his cheek as he knew she had a point.
They hadn't actually had any in-depth conversations about it, about what they'd do once her contract was up later this year. Nothing but a passing comment here or there. But, in the back of his mind, he just assumed it meant she was coming home. And clearly, Gabby had been having the same thoughts.
"This was never… It was never supposed to be permanent. And who knows what I would've done if we hadn't gotten back together, if I would've signed on to stay longer, I don't know. But that doesn't matter now, because we are back together… So it's really not even a conversation to be had, whether I stay or leave, because I don't want to be here when you're not… My contract is up in a few months anyway, so what's the difference between now and four months from now?"
"Gabby…"
"There is only one difference, and it's if I stay here, that's four more months we have to be apart," She cut him off, as she clearly hadn't said what all she needed to. "That's four more months of me here, and you there, and I refuse to do that again. I can't do it again, and I don't think you can either." She told him, the look on his face telling her all she needed to know as Matt knew she was right. "I don't want to do that to us again, so if I have to give up something now that I would be losing here soon anyway, I don't care. Because losing what we have isn't worth that." She finished, Matt's eyebrows furrowing as he couldn't help but get hung up on the last few words she'd said.
"We wouldn't lose each other." He spoke strongly, Gabby shaking her head in response. "I promise you, I won't let that happen, we're not gonna lose each other, Gabby-"
"We already did." She interjected before she could stop herself, the tone in her voice holding onto more fear than she realized as Matt's entire face fell, the weight of how much this truly worried her beginning to sink in.
She was scared. He knew she was scared that she was going to lose him, that they were going to lose each other. And a part of him couldn't even blame her for it, cause he was scared, too. After how these last few months had gone, she had every reason to be worried, he understood that. But he also meant what he said, that he wasn't going to let them fall apart again, as Matt was coming to understand this was a fear she'd been holding onto for a while, his sad eyes focused on hers as she drew in a slow breath.
"...We already lost each other once, Matt." She repeated, her voice barely above a whisper as he tightened the grip he had on her leg, Casey not only needing to feel her close to him, but he was sure Gabby was in search of that same comfort. "Things got hard, everything just became so messed up, I-" She stopped herself, her eyes falling closed when her breath caught in her throat, Matt soon reaching his other hand around to hold onto her arm as he shuffled himself closer to her, Gabby shaking her head for a moment before she finally found the words she was trying to say. "I was so messed up, when all of that happened."
A deep frown set in across his face at the mention of that dark time in their life, at what was likely the darkest point in their life, at least their lives together, as Matt knew how much pain and hurt that had all caused. Even when the last thing they ever wanted to do was hurt each other, they knew they had. And no amount of conversations would ever be able to change that. They could grow from it, they could move past it, but they couldn't take it back. And they both knew it.
"I know." He whispered weakly, Gabby sucking in a deep breath before she spoke up.
"...And then we fell apart." She managed to get out, Matt breathing in a slow, shaky breath as her teary eyes focused on him. "And I know we've talked about this, how when you and I split, I thought- at the time, I thought it was the best thing for me… Not because of you, but because of where I was at." She told him, even though Casey knew this already. But still, he let her speak, as he had a feeling she needed to get through this on her own. "But it caused us to fall apart… We lost each other then, we didn't fight for each other once, I didn't fight for us." She got out, his eyebrows furrowing as the true meaning of her words hit him. "And I refuse to do that again."
"Baby, we've talked about this." He immediately cut in, the way she faulted herself for what happened between them not sitting well with him, his gaze focused directly on her as she swallowed thickly. "You were hurting, and I didn't see it… You did what you needed to do back then, I don't blame you for that." Matt reminded her, as he didn't want her thinking any differently. "We hurt each other, a lot more than we realized, but that's not just on you… And as hard as all of that was, I truly believe everything that happened, it happened for a reason." He continued on, his gentle words causing a few fresh tears to fill her eyes. "We weren't in a good place then, we weren't able to be what each other needed back then… But that's not us anymore. We're in a much better place now than we were then."
"We are." Gabby agreed quickly, Matt drawing in a deep breath before he nodded. "We are in a better place, which is exactly why I want to do this." She pushed, his eyes slowly falling shut while Gabby never took her focus off of him. "When I first came here, things were so bad between us, but we're not these people now. You just said so yourself, we're not in that place anymore." She assured him, her voice full of conviction as she watched him with a watery smile. "...I'm better, we're better. Which is why I want to come home."
Her words settled around them for a moment as Matt focused down on his lap, Gabby taking slow, steadying breaths as her heart was beating a bit quicker in her chest than it typically would, while she waited for any type of response from him. There was more she was ready to say, but given the look on his face she found it best to keep quiet, at least for a moment, to give him time to fully take in what all she had said.
But the silence between them was heavy, Gabby wincing slightly as the seconds passed by, doubt beginning to creep in as she wasn't sure what was going on in his head. And when he finally looked back up at her, that didn't give her much to go on either, as she noticed a slight hesitancy in his eyes, Matt watching her for a few more long seconds before he finally spoke up.
"...Have you thought about if you could handle it?" He questioned, his voice holding no judgement as a compassionate look crossed over his face, Gabby not entirely sure of what his words meant. "Do you think you'd be able to handle being back in Chicago permanently?"
It was now Gabby's turn to fall silent, her eyebrows beginning to furrow as she hadn't been expecting the question, Casey able to tell he'd caught her off guard as he gave her hand a slight squeeze. Her words had resonated with him, they truly had, but he couldn't help but bring this up before they went any further, as he knew this needed to be addressed.
"I know you're doing better, that we're better… but have you thought about that at all? If being in Chicago again is something you could do?" He repeated himself as he wanted her to really hear what he was saying. Though she hadn't given him much of a response yet, Gabby merely pursing her lips together as he noticed her body tense momentarily. And it was at that moment he knew he needed to explain himself more, as he didn't want her to have the wrong impression of why he'd asked her this question in the first place.
"You said so yourself, you left for a reason, baby. I didn't see it at the time, at least not all of it, but you were struggling so badly there. You were unhappy being in Chicago, and I don't want that to happen again." He continued to explain as best he could, his voice soft while he gave her a weak, sad smile. "And I know a lot of that came from what was going on with us, but it wasn't all of it, and it still happened. Being in Chicago was not good for you, and I never want you going through anything like that again, not if I can help it… I can't watch you go through that again. So that's why I need to know that you're sure about this, and that you're not doing it for the wrong reasons. Because I don't want you to put yourself in a position you're not ready for." He told her, his gentle words filtering through her head before he gave her a supportive nod.
"And I know being here has helped you, more than I think anything else could've." He kept going after a second, Gabby letting him talk as she didn't want him to hold anything back. "So I don't want you to feel like you have to leave that behind if you're not ready to, because you don't… We'll be okay. I promise you, we'll be okay. No matter what happens, I'm not going anywhere."
He assured her as much as he could, his gaze staying locked on her as a flash of something he couldn't quite pick up on flickered in her eyes, Gabby swallowing the thick lump in her throat as she thought over how best to respond to him, before finally speaking up less than a minute later.
"I know you're worried… And I get why you're worried. Because you're right." She started quietly, a small frown tugging on his lips as he ran his thumb along the back of her hand, hoping the action would provide at least a small bit of comfort. "Before I left, I was… I wasn't doing well. We weren't doing well, and that affected a lot of what was going on with me. It felt like I was suffocating, and I know I told you that when we talked about it, how back then I didn't feel like I could be in Chicago anymore, that it was good for me to get away… And it was." She told him, Matt nodding as he held onto her every word. "I needed that time, away from all of it. There for a while, being in Chicago was really hard on me. It nearly broke me- it did break me. And I know we have a lot of painful memories there… I can't sit here and lie to you, pretending like none of that happened." She breathed out, her honest words hurting them both as they hated the reminder of how they fell apart. But Gabby continued on, as she didn't want either of them dwelling on the past.
"I wasn't doing well then, for a lot of reasons, so I get it… I understand you being worried about me going back there." She told him, Matt sensing there was more coming. So he stayed quiet, letting her get there on her own as all he could do right now was support her. "I needed that time away, but I'm not that person anymore, Matt. We're not those same people… We're in a much better place now than we were then."
Her voice was soft despite the weight of her words, Matt continuing to keep quiet as he took in what she was saying. But as the seconds went on and he had yet to really respond, she was able to feel his uncertainty, like he wasn't sure what to say. And that prolonged silence is what caused her to speak up once more, as Gabby knew she needed to tell him what all she'd been holding onto during their months apart.
"...And I have thought about it." She murmured after a moment, her words causing his ears to perk up before he gave her a slow nod in response. "I've thought about if being back in Chicago is something I could handle after everything that happened, and I really do think I can." She admitted, earning a soft smile from Matt before he nodded once more, as the last thing he wanted was her having any reason to think he doubted her. Because he didn't.
"Because what I keep going back to is how different things are for us now… how we're different. And what really helped me realize that is when I was back in Chicago." She explained as best she could, his eyebrows furrowing slightly while he waited for her to elaborate. "When I was there, it felt right to me, even if things weren't the same as they used to be. And it reminded me of how things used to be, how they could be again… It felt like there was nowhere else I'd rather be, like I was supposed to be there." She confessed to him, not missing the small smile that began to light up his face. Though it began to falter when the next words left her lips.
"But then the second I came back here, it was the exact opposite… Like this was the last place I was supposed to be." She repeated her earlier words, her voice getting softer each second. "And every day since I've been back, it's just… I'm tired. I'm tired of being here, of being away from you. I'm tired of pretending that being here is worth us not being together, because it's not. Nothing is." She told him, her words strong and firm as she needed him to believe what she was saying. "So I'm ready to come home, I feel ready… And I promise you, I wouldn't tell you that if I didn't truly believe it."
Casey drew in a slow breath before he nodded, the hopeful look in her eyes not going unnoticed by him as his smile widened slightly, as it was impossible for him not to feel happy at the idea of her coming home with him. It was something he'd wanted for a long time, something he'd dreamed about, even long before she came back for him. And now, there was a chance it might finally happen, even if there were still things they had to discuss.
"I know." He all but whispered, his soft words bringing a small smile to her face. "I just… I need you to be sure, before we go any further."
"I know, and that's why I didn't say anything for a while. Not just because we weren't together, but because I needed to know if this is truly what I want, and it is. I want to come home." She repeated firmly, his hand giving hers a slight squeeze. "I am choosing to come home, I'm choosing us…" She spoke, Casey biting down on the inside of his cheek lightly as he saw the tears still sitting in her eyes.
"But to make sure it doesn't happen, we have to choose each other. We have to fight for each other, and that's what I'm doing now… I'm choosing you." Gabby told him before she went quiet for a moment, as she needed a second to clear her throat as he gingerly ran his thumb along the back of her hand. "I made the mistake before of not doing that, of not putting us first, and it cost me everything… I'm not going through that again. And truthfully, it's not even a hard choice, because this place doesn't feel like my home anymore…" She confided in him, Matt's sorrowful eyes staying locked on her as she fought to keep her emotions in check, though the deeper they went into this much-needed conversation, the harder it became. "And maybe it never did. But it really doesn't anymore, and I don't want to be here, not without you." She told him, swallowing the lump in the back of her throat that couldn't seem to go away. "I want us to be together, I don't want to be apart, having to go months without seeing each other… It's killing us. And I don't want to do it anymore."
She paused to take a breath, her deep brown eyes focused on his bright blue ones, both holding onto more emotions than they could probably ever say as her words hung heavy in the air around them. Words that were now out in the open as he took a few steadying breaths, Gabby giving his hand a squeeze to regain his attention before she spoke up once more.
"...I miss you, Matt." Her voice was soft, Gabby keeping her voice as steady as she could as she needed him to know how much she truly meant what she was saying. "I miss you, and I miss us, and right now I feel like we can't be us. This, me being here and you being in Chicago, it's hurting us more than anything else, and I refuse to let this keep us apart anymore… I refuse to be the reason we're apart. So I want to come home, with you. I just want to be with you, wherever that is, I don't care. As long as we're together, that's what matters."
Her breath caught in her throat just as she said those last words, the air around them turning thick as her admission was out in the open between them, Matt thinking over everything she'd just said to him as he knew he owed it to her, and to them, to truly let her words sink in. So that's what he did, his eyes trained forward as he digested what all had just been told to him, Gabby remaining quiet by his side as she gave him that time to figure it out.
But his response came quicker than expected, Gabby raising her eyebrows slightly when he turned to face her, an unreadable expression covering his features before he opened his mouth.
"...Okay." He murmured, his soft voice barely reaching her ears as their eyes locked on one another. But for as quiet as his word was, she still heard it, Gabby unable to stop the grin that slowly spread across her face as he gave her a slight nod back. "I've told you I want you back home with me, and I mean that, so if this is what you truly want, of course I want you to come back." He told her, his tone becoming stronger with every word, Matt wanting her to know he meant what he said. And her heart couldn't help but swell in her chest as he spoke, warmth spreading through her entire body as he'd said the words she'd hoped to hear.
Though with what he said next, that feeling started to fade just a little.
"...But can I ask you one more thing?" He questioned quietly, Gabby hesitating for a moment before giving him an unsure nod, the movement enough to let him know he could continue. "If the distance between us wasn't a factor, would you want to stay here?"
Gabby's jaw clenched as she listened to him, her eyes darting down in between them while he stayed focused on her, Matt not missing the way her body tensed slightly before she forced herself to relax, clearly unsure of how to respond to him. And that alone gave him his answer.
But still, he needed to hear it from her.
"I know you've said this place doesn't feel like home, and you don't want to be here anymore, and if that's the case, then I'd never want you to stay here, baby. All I want is for you to be happy, that's all I've ever wanted." He reminded her gently as she had yet to answer him, Gabby blinking back the tears in her eyes before she nodded. "If you're that unhappy here, of course I want you to come home with me… but is the only reason you're feeling that way because I'm not here? Or is there more to it?"
A soft breath escaped his lips as he finished speaking, his gaze on her while she stayed quiet, Gabby's lips pursed together as she still didn't know what to say. Though in the back of her mind, she knew it wasn't the lack of having an answer for him that was keeping her from speaking up, but rather what that answer was. The second the words left his lips, she knew what her response would be.
She just didn't know how to say it.
"You said you don't want to lose me, but you also said you'd be losing something here if you went back to Chicago. So I just need to know… Would you want to stay if I was here with you?"
She blinked quickly a few times as their eyes locked on one another, Gabby finding it impossible to look away as his gaze held nothing but compassion and warmth in his glassy blue eyes, like he truly just wanted to understand what was going on in her head. And truthfully, Gabby did too, the woman taking a deep breath before she responded to him.
"I… Maybe, I don't know." She started, her words soft as Matt gave her a slow nod that encouraged her to continue. "It's crossed my mind a few times, that things might feel different if you were here, but I don't think it's just that… I think I'd still want to come home." She spoke, though he could feel a bit of her hesitation as he tightened his grip on her hand, Gabby averting her eyes as she looked back down towards her lap. "But like I said, I'd be coming home soon anyway… And I'd rather spend that time with us together than apart."
Her voice was barely audible by the time she finished speaking, her body language causing his eyebrows to furrow as he felt her closing herself off, Matt sighing softly as he'd seen her like this before. And he knew exactly what was causing it.
She was holding something back from him.
She had been open and honest up until this second, but now- there was something she didn't want to say, and he could sense it.
"...What aren't you telling me?" He asked after a moment, Gabby's head lifting up slowly to find his curious, yet worried eyes still on her, her jaw tightening for a moment before she replied.
"What?"
"There's something you're not saying." He said when she feigned ignorance, Gabby drawing in a slow, deep breath as he gave her leg a slight nudge. "I know you, Gabby… I know when there's something on your mind, what is it?" He asked once more, his ability to read her giving her the push she needed to get those next words out, even though she was unsure of how he'd react.
"It's nothing, it's just… I guess I've thought about it a few times, that maybe, if not for us being apart, I'd like to stay here and finish out my contract." She admitted to him, Matt's face softening before he gave her an affirming nod, Gabby matching his look with a weak smile before she continued. "But I don't even know if that's true or not… I wasn't lying when I said I don't enjoy my work here as much as I used to, so I don't know… But honestly, this is what's keeping us apart, so it doesn't even matter anyway." She finished, his face soon falling at her words.
"Gabby, of course it matters." He tried, but she immediately fought back as her head moved side to side roughly. "If you want to stay here to finish our your contract, that matters a lot."
"No, it doesn't." She pushed back, her voice hoarse as she did what she could to fight off the emotion welling in her throat. Though it was a battle she was losing.
"Baby, yes it does." He spoke calmly, though he made sure his words were strong enough to get her attention, Gabby biting down roughly on her bottom lip before breaking their eye contact. "We need to talk about it, if you still want to be here. We-"
"It doesn't matter." She repeated herself firmly, despite the thick tears threatening to fall down her cheeks as Matt pursed his lips together, the man hearing the clear desperation in her voice. "It really doesn't, because I'm not even sure what I want to do, if I'd want to stay and finish things here. But what I am sure of is that I want to be with you." She reasoned, the sad look in his eyes deepening as he drew in a slow breath.
"Gabby-"
"You're not here." She cut him off once more, her voice faltering as a tear escaped down her skin. "Were thousands of miles apart, all the time, and I can't do it anymore. You don't want to be here permanently, and I don't think I do, either. Not without you." She told him, Matt's eyes falling closed for a split second as they were finally getting to the root of the problem. "I… I love my job, I do. And I love the people here. This place helped me a lot over the last few years, but it's not helping me anymore. Being here doesn't feel the same to me anymore, and it isn't worth us being apart."
They both went quiet for a moment, Gabby trying to catch her breath while he found the courage to look back up at her, Casey seeing every single thing she was feeling shining in her eyes.
"So it is because of me…" He said maybe a minute later, Gabby sniffling softly as she watched him, Matt needing to voice his thoughts out loud as this had been so much to take in. "You're unhappy because I'm not here."
Shaking her head slowly, Gabby let go of his hand before she slid to the edge of the couch, the woman angling herself towards him as they faced one another. "I'm unhappy because I don't want to be away from you anymore." She spoke honestly, Matt shaking his head as he couldn't ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach.
"Gabby, I don't want you to give this up for me…"
"I'm not." She replied quickly. "I'm not giving this up for you, I'm doing it for me." Gabby corrected him once more, both their eyes full of unshed tears as she pushed on. "I want to do this, because it's what's best for me… being with you is what's best for me. It's what's best for us, and I know this is hurting you, too. Us being apart isn't easy on either of us. But it doesn't need to be that way." She reminded him, Matt knowing he couldn't argue with her as she was right. "And I can't say for sure what I would want if the distance wasn't a factor in this, but it is. And you are… You're a huge factor in all this, Matt, and I'm not gonna pretend like you're not." Gabby spoke, her words causing a rush of conflicting emotions within him.
"This long distance thing isn't good for either of us. What it comes down to is that me being here isn't worth what this is doing to us, it isn't more important than us being together, these last few months have proven that to me. And this entire time, part of me has kept searching for reasons to stay here, but I can't find any. Because I want to be with you, and I can't have that here… So I want to come home."
Her words hung in the air as an almost deafening silence fell over them, Gabby needing to take another few deep breaths while their eyes stayed focused on each other like they both were afraid to look anywhere else. And that's how they stayed for a couple moments, both Matt and Gabby trying to process what all had just been laid out there, what all they'd confessed to one another, as they knew they both had to decide, together, where they went from here.
But this was a big decision, one that couldn't be made with just one conversation, and they both knew it.
"...Matt?"
"I know, I know… I'm just- thinking." He replied softly, as he could sense his prolonged silence was stressing her out, even though that was the last thing he wanted. "I… I hear what you're saying, I do. But can we just… Can I have some time to think about it?"
His request caught her off guard, and truthfully stung a little, as she'd been hoping for a much more immediate response. But, given the way Matt was, his need for some time wasn't all that surprising, and she understood it. She'd had months to wrap her mind around this, but the same couldn't be said for him.
"You've had a lot of time to sit with this, but I haven't, and I… I don't want us rushing into this." He continued on with a small smile, Matt doing what he could to clearly convey what he was feeling, while Gabby bit down on the inside of her cheek. "I love you, and I want you home with me, you know I do… But I just need some time to think, alright?" He reminded her when he sensed her hesitation, before Gabby gave him a slow nod.
"Okay." She all but whispered, Matt's weak smile widening slightly before he leaned his weight into the back of the couch, his arm extending out in invitation as she knew what he was wanting before he even asked.
"Come here." He murmured, Gabby complying easily as she returned to her former position next to him, before he pulled her into his side, her body soon curled into his as he pressed a soft kiss to the top of her head. "I love you."
His gentle words brought a small smile to her face, Gabby releasing a soft breath before snuggling deeper into him, her hand resting over his chest as he began to rub her head.
She felt a little better, she knew she did, now that all of this was off her chest. After this had been weighing her down for months, she was glad there was nothing no longer hidden between them, that everything that had been on her mind was now out in the open. But despite the relief she felt from their conversation, she also couldn't help the heavy feeling in her gut at how up in the air things seemed right now.
And she knew that feeling was something that wouldn't go away until they talked about this again, Gabby just hoping it was a discussion that would happen sooner rather than later.
"Yeah, no… I know. I know, Chief."
Gabby laid in bed as she listened to Matt speak on the phone in hushed tones out in the living room, her body resting in the middle of the mattress as she tried her hardest not to listen to his conversation, as he had taken the call out of the room for a reason. Which, admittedly, was something she was trying hard not to read into, even though it was a little difficult as this wasn't the first time this had happened over the past twenty four hours.
It started out of the blue last night, Matt sneaking away for phone calls, whether going into a different room in her small apartment, or taking them outside; whatever it was, he didn't want her hearing it. And that had left a bit of a weird feeling in her stomach, because she didn't know what was so secretive about talking with, who she now knew to be Boden, that he didn't want her to hear it. But, regardless, she'd tried to respect that, Gabby rolling over onto her back as her eyes focused on the ceiling, the woman's mind immediately going to her and Matt, and how things had been since their conversation yesterday morning,
With only a few days left together before he had to return to Chicago, they'd done their best to ignore the obvious elephant in the room, as neither one of them wanted to waste this time they had together. So even though they hadn't talked about it again, they'd tried to continue on like everything was the same, the couple able to have somewhat of an easy day yesterday regardless of the confession Gabby had made hours earlier. Which, admittedly, had been nice for both of them, as they had done nothing but spend time with one another. They spent all their time in the confines of this apartment, aside from when Matt would step out for whatever those phone calls were about, but aside from that, they hadn't spent a moment apart. And it was exactly what both of them needed.
But even still, even with as great of a day as they managed to have yesterday, it was impossible to ignore how Matt hadn't brought up the idea of her coming back home again. How it hadn't even crossed his mind to talk to her about it, and his secretive phone calls weren't helping the thoughts running laps in her mind, as Gabby couldn't help but prepare herself for the worst.
That maybe the reason Matt hadn't said anything else about it was because, for whatever reason, this wasn't what he wanted. He just didn't know how to tell her. That he was trying to find a way to let her down gently, but he didn't want to ruin these last couple of days they had together.
Those thoughts, and hundreds like it, had been swarming her mind all morning as Matt had been in and out of the room frequently, though Gabby was doing her best to not let all of this get to her. She was trying to remind herself that when it came down to it, she didn't know what Matt's response would be, and how nothing he said yesterday gave her any reason to doubt their relationship, or that he didn't want her back home with him. He had said, time and time again, that he wanted her with him, that even though he didn't want her leaving for him, he wanted them to be together. So she knew she shouldn't be having those doubts about him and what he wanted.
But she also couldn't stop the small voice in the back of her mind that if it were that simple, he should've just told her that already.
"Alright, okay- Yeah, thanks… We'll talk more about it in a bit, but thank you, Chief. Really, thank you… Alright, bye."
Matt's voice began to filter back into her bedroom as Gabby looked over towards the door, her eyes finding his the second he walked back through the doorway, the soft smile on his face confusing her for a second. But it was impossible for her not to smile back at him, Matt still clad in his sleep attire of a t-shirt and boxers as he stopped to put his phone on the dresser, before heading back towards the bed.
"Hey there." He greeted, Gabby doing her best to get a read on him before she responded.
"Hey… everything okay?" She asked as he sat down on the edge of the bed, Matt hesitating for a moment before he nodded, that small smile soon returning to his face.
"Yeah, everything's fine babe." He responded vaguely, Gabby eyeing him for a moment to see if he was going to offer up anything else. But it soon became clear he wasn't going to, the woman breathing in deeply before she nodded, Matt's smile growing once more before he reached out to give her leg a squeeze. "So, I wasn't sure what you were planning on doing this morning, if you were wanting to lay in bed some more, or if you were hungry, but I was thinking a big breakfast sounded nice." He told her before standing up, his words only causing more confusion to flood her body as he was just going on like everything was normal. Like there wasn't this big thing hanging over their heads, and Gabby couldn't stand it anymore.
She'd tried to give him that time he needed to think over everything, but the not knowing was driving her crazy. Whatever his answer was, good or bad, she needed to know. And she needed to know now.
"But I know you don't have much here because you've been away at the site, so I was thinking-"
"Do you not want this?" She blurted out before he could finish his sentence, Matt's eyebrows furrowing as he quickly spun around to face her, finding Gabby now sitting up in bed as she watched him with a new desperate look in her eyes.
"What?"
"Do you not want me to come home? Is that why you just won't say it?" She asked him, Casey's face falling as a deep sigh left his lips. "Because if that's what it is, if you don't think we can do this, or I shouldn't-"
"That's not what it is." He interjected quickly, her words nearly painful as he hated to hear her thinking this way. "It's not, I promise, you know I want you home with me, Gabby." He reminded her, his voice causing some of the nerves flooding her body to dissipate before she gave him a slow nod. "It's just-" He stopped himself once more, Matt shaking his head slightly before he extended his hand out. "Come here."
Her head tilted to the side slightly before she complied to his request, Gabby tossing the covers off of her legs before her feet planted on the ground, the woman standing up and walking the few feet towards him as he grabbed both of her hands in his, that gentle smile returning to his face.
"I know since yesterday, we've needed to talk… But I did need time to think things through, and figure some things out…" He started, the firm grip on her hands keeping her calm despite the way his words had her a little unsure. "And I was gonna talk to you about this after we ate, but I've been thinking a lot about it, a lot of what this means for us, and what I've come to realize is that… I think you need to stay here."
The second those words left his lips, it felt like she'd been slapped in the face, Gabby soon trying to pull her hands back as his admission had nearly crushed her. But he wouldn't let her move very far, Casey shaking his head immediately as he knew exactly what was going on in her head.
"Baby, just listen to me, please." He pleaded, Gabby blinking back the tears in her eyes as her head hung towards the ground. "Just hear me out, okay? I want you to stay here, and finish doing the work you love, because I know you. And no matter how you're feeling right now, I know you want to see this through… I know it's hard being here without me, but I also know if you could, you'd want to stay. You have given years of your life to this, and I think you'd regret it if you didn't finish out these last few months."
"Matt-"
"Just wait." He cut in once more, Gabby forcing her lips closed as she met his eyes, the reassuring look on his face helping to settle some of her uncertainty as he gave her hands a gentle squeeze. "When we talked yesterday, and you said how much you wanted to come home, all I wanted to do was pack your bags and book the next flight for us, because I don't want us to be apart any longer than we already have. But I know that's not fair to you, Gabby… You shouldn't have to give this up for me." He spoke strongly, Gabby drawing in a slow, deep breath before she reluctantly nodded.
"I'd never ask you to do that, so I think you should stay here, and finish what you started…" He continued on, Matt pausing for a moment before his grin widened across his face, Gabby not missing the way his eyes lit up, like he couldn't wait to say the next words that came out of his mouth.
"And besides, I think it would be pretty silly for you to come home now, when I'm gonna be here for the next four months."
Her eyes widened the second she registered what he'd said, her lips parting slightly as she subconsciously took a step backwards, Matt only continuing to smile wide as he waited for his words to sink in.
"I… what?" She barely got out, Matt nodding quickly as a few fresh tears began to form in his eyes.
"I'm gonna be here, with you. Until you finish out your contract, and then we can go home together." He repeated, Gabby choking out the breath that had gotten caught in the back of her throat as he brought one of his hands up to cradle her cheek. "That's what I've been on the phone doing, was talking to Boden, and some people at headquarters, to get some temporary leave approved… So I can be here with you." He explained, Matt using his thumb to wipe away the single tear that had fallen down her cheek, her body overcome with a mixture of excitement and confusion, Gabby unsure of which to follow.
"Matt, I don't… You can't do this." She breathed out, Casey immediately shaking his head as he regained the slight distance she'd put between them. "Your job, and everything, I…"
"Yes, I can." He spoke surely, Gabby breathing in deeply as she was beginning to truly understand what his decision meant. "Because everything you said yesterday, about why you want to come home, and why you want to do that for us… I want to do that for you, okay? My job will still be there when we get back home, but this, what you're doing here? You'd be having to give this up in four months already, and the last thing I want is for you to have to cut that short… Not when I can be here. So that's what I want to do."
Silence filled the air around them as Gabby drew in a few choppy breaths, her eyes shining up at him as he continued to stroke his thumb along her cheek, the action flooding her with warmth as a small smile soon appeared over her lips.
"You'd do that for me?" She asked softly, the smile that covered his face nearly making her fall in love with him all over again.
"I'd do anything for you." He murmured without an ounce of hesitation, Gabby unable to stop herself as she leaned forward to capture his lips in hers, the man smiling wide before he began to kiss her back, the two moving together like it was the easiest thing in the world.
They stayed connected for a few moments before reluctantly pulling back, Gabby needing to catch her breath as Matt took the chance to wipe away a few more of the tears falling from her eyes, that mere seconds ago he'd felt hit his own skin. But despite her tears, it was impossible to miss the wide grin on her face, Gabby looking as happy as he'd seen her in a long time.
And that alone gave him all the proof he needed that he was making the right choice.
"You're gonna be here." She breathed out, like she still couldn't quite believe it, Matt giving her a quick nod before he took her back into his arms, the warmth comforting as they held onto each other as tightly as they could, neither one of them wanting to let go while he pressed a kiss to the side of her head.
"Yeah, baby... I'm gonna be right here."
