Disclaimer: Red Dwarf is copyright of Grant Naylor, etc... - Not me!

Hey guys! I wonder how many of you have forgotten this story existed! I know I'm still posting new storys... New stories that will take ages to finish, like the Tomb Raider fic and the Resident Evil fic - But I've decided to try and get some of my older story's finished off as I have like 8 or 9 in progress out of the 39 online! Ao expect a lot of work on this story especially over the next few hours/days...


"…PAUSE! Holly, as much as I enjoy a suicidal looking Rimmer tearing up his revision timetables and talking to a cat… What the HELL are you showing me this for?" Lister objected folding his arms then realise in doing so he was smothering Holly and held his arm out again.

"Yuck don't do that again or I won't come up with any good plans to help you escape!" Holly warned as his face screwed up in disgust.

"You HAVEN'T come up with any good plans to help us escape!"

"See, I've started already!"

Lister sighed. "I wish you had a neck Holly."

"Why's that then?"

"Then I could strangle you!" Lister hissed matter of factly before ripping off the watch and throwing it across the room.

"This is a perfectly good watch you know! Tells the time and all!"

"Holly just smeg off ok?" Lister pleaded as he leaned his head against one of the metal rungs of the bunk bed ladder.

"Not until you watch the rest of the film."

"Why?"

"It's just getting to the good part!"

"Good as in it cuts to the women's shower or good as in Rimmer is humiliated?" Lister asked raising his head slightly.

"I would have to say the latter Dave… You really don't like this 'pre death' Rimmer do you?" Holly asked as Lister shuffled over and picked up the watch.

"It only took you three million and somat years to work that out?"

"No I mean –"

"I know what you mean Hol, I know you brought him back to keep me sane and it worked, and he gave up any chance of happiness to do that, This guy is nothing like him, he's not noble or brave… well neither was our Rimmer but a smeg of a lot more than this guy is." Lister finished his… speech and winkled his nose in confusion.

"My god it's like marriage guidance!" Holly muttered as he un-paused the recordings…


… "Don't look at me like that!" Rimmer moaned at her again as he tried to snatch a few of the pieces of his timetable back from the auto cleaner.

"I need that! I need this life, it's what I was BORN to do! I can't be a failure all my life! I have to do something GOOD, if I passed my exams I could proof to my parents and Captain smegging Hollister that I'm not totally useless! … I could prove it to myself… Rimmer suddenly looked up with a start as the slumbering Lister snorted in his sleep and began to wake up slightly.

"Smeg, smeg, smeg, smeg, smeg, smeg." He muttered over and over as he paced the floor, kicking the cleaning thing as it retreated back to base. Rimmer stuffed the few bits of timetable grasped in his hands into his pockets and cleared his throat purposely as Lister's eyes opened sleepily.

"Lister what is this?" He said as indignantly as he could.

"Wha?" Lister replied, his head lolling about on the bunk.

"This!" Rimmer answered, pointing at the as yet unnamed moggie (FRANKIE!)

"S'cat." Lister slurred closing his eyes again, they popped open again after a few seconds as a little warning light flashed on his brain. "sssssmeg."

"Smeg indeedy, did you think this wouldn't go unnoticed? You're in for the high jump matey!"

"We going sssswiming?"

Rimmer shook his head and wondered if the act was really worth it, Lister was more drunk than 'uncle' Fred on Christmas day.

"No Listy, we're not going swimming." He said softly before adding in his mind 'But it feel like I'm drowning.'

"GOOD! Dun like sssswimining! Too wet!" He cried, his arms flailing about madly.

"Lister… LISTER!" He yelled slapping Lister's cheek.

"Wha?"

"Where. Did. The. Cat. Come. From?" He asked slowly and clearly as Lister rolled his eyes about, not focusing.

"Followed me home?"

"Git."

"Love you too Rimsy!" Lister slumped forward and began to snore noisily.

"Lister… LISTER!" Rimmer cried but to no avail… "Lister look! A curry kebab… Smeg!" Rimmer watched the lump that was Lister in silence for a few seconds, then very slowly and calmly he turned and banged his head on the table.

"This."

(Thump)

"Is."

(Thump)

"Not."

(Thump)

"Happening."

(Thump)

He straightened up then after blinking a bit and shaking his head, he turned to reassess the problem.

"I'm so screwed."

Lister heaved in his sleep and his eyes shot open. "Gawd I feel…"

"Lister don't even – " (Lister throws up all over Rimmer's bed) "…Think about it…"

"Wasssn't me!" Lister protested lamely as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

"Oh who was it then? The sick fairy?" Rimmer yelled, his anger pushing all other feelings out of his mind.

"Dats jussst ssstoopid! – Wasssss Frankie!" Lister slurred as he rolled to the other side of the bunk to get away from the offending area.

"And who is Frankie? You're little demon friend who tells you what to do each day to piss me off and how to get yourself on report?"

"No… His name's Gerald."

"Of course, why didn't I realise that before? I must be so stupid!" Rimmer shouted sarcastically as he slammed his fist down on the table before wincing slightly at the pain.

"We agree on ssssomethink then." Lister murmured as he yawned loudly.

"What's that Lister? Insulting a superior technician? You're going on report m'laddo and I think I'll tell all about your little CAT problem and all!" Rimmer hissed as he began hunting round for his report book.

"But I aven't got any rats."

"That's because you already ARE one Lister!" Rimmer hissed back as he continued searching for his report book. "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't right this incident in my report book RIGHT now?"

"Coz I nicked it when you were in the sssshower?" Lister slurred with a yawn and a giggle.

"What? WHY?" Rimmer squeaked angrily.

"Partly coz you've been driving me nuts with that thing… But mostly coz I wanted to see your face when I told ya!" Lister smirked happily in his drunken state.

"You're in very serious trouble mister!" Rimmer stated, as authoritivly as possible.

"I know – She drank all me milk rations!"

"Lister, this is a CAT! An unquarantined animal in a potentially dangerous situation! – The results could be lethal!" Rimmer ranted as he paced round the room.

"You're right – You might ACUTALLY be able to memorise enough long words to pass the engineer's exam this time!" Lister joked as he manoeuvred round the pile of drunken sick and landed on the floor in a clumsy heap.

Rimmer scowled at Lister's sprawled out form. "Despite your uselessness, I'll have you know Lister – This time, I'm going to pass!"

"I said I was sorry, anyways, I think vindaloo improves it!" Lister added as he slowly managed to get into a sitting up position.

"Improves it? IMPROVES IT? You DESTROYED the colour coding system! You've completely wrecked my revision timetable!" Rimmer argued, glancing at Frankie and resented the fact that despite his shouting, she was rubbing up against his leg and purring.

"You're the one who spent six weeks MAKING it, instead of REVISING!"

"Don't get smart with me." Rimmer snapped as he folded his arms.

"Why? You on learning drugs and looking for a follow up on 'I am a fish'?" Lister retorted as he dragged himself to his feet.

"At least I'm not the lowest rank on this ship!" Rimmer spit back as he sat down at the table again.

"I'm not! – What about Frankenstein?" Lister said as he stumbled up the ladder and onto his bunk.

"Who?"

"Cat." Lister replied simply as he closed his eyes.

"Besides the fact it is an illegal animal, why on Io did you call it Frankenstein?" Rimmer asked despondently as Frankie squeaked and with a sigh he lifted her onto the table.

"It was horror night when I got her." Lister said sleepily.
"Should have known. Might as well make our farewells now Lister – Wouldn't want the automatic door to crush you on the way out!" Rimmer replied half heartedly, though Lister didn't reply, and was beginning to snore noisily.

Rimmer let out a deep breath and held his head in his hands, beginning to feel like he couldn't take any more stress, though he smiled slightly as Frankie lovingly head butted him. Then he frowned, wishing he didn't find her as comforting as he did…