Chapter Three – Not all Hope is Lost
As soon as Harry left his quarters, Severus helped himself to another cup of strong, black tea. He sat down at the kitchen table, feeling a bit numb from their conversation. So much was said, yet, so little was revealed. And he asked himself again how in one night, he and Harry were suddenly separated by a chasm of secrets and hurt feelings. He could see how little Harry was revealing, how much he was hiding. Severus thought about Harry's proposal on Draco being a Death Eater. He wasn't surprised the boy figured it out already, he just wished Harry could just trust him for once.
Severus and Albus had this situation handled, a situation too delicate for a teenage boy and his friends to deal with on their own. He knew he was right to turn Harry away. He just wished his son could just trust him and Albus, but that was where the problem laid.
Severus recalled the last day of summer before term started, of Harry's words that were spoken on the beach and with a sinking heart, Severus realized he was a fool to believe Harry. A fool to believe that he'd moved on from his past, completely ready to trust the adults in his life. For when it came down to it...Severus realized, no matter how much Harry wanted to trust adults, he couldn't. The conversation they'd just shared, of Harry revealing his mistrust towards Severus. It revealed the consequences of the Dursleys' abuse and neglect, affecting that child to the core, to the point where trust was broken. That was why Harry blew up when Severus told him to trust him and Albus, to leave it to the adults, because deep down, no matter how much he wanted too, he couldn't, at least not yet. Severus realized Harry just wasn't ready, and he felt the pain of it in his gut. Clearly, after all this time, he still had no clue what he was doing.
Maybe it's time to change that ...
Severus sipped on his tea, blowing the hot steam away, deep in thought, stress was quickly turning into anxiety. His heart felt like cold, dark hands were squeezing it. Piercing it with sharp claws.
Never letting go.
Holding on tighter and tighter, until his heart couldn't perform its rhythmic beating.
He closed his eyes, remaining calm, thinking of the best way to improve the Wolfsbane Potion. It was a project he'd just started working on; perfecting it for Remus. His hopes for his improvements were to make the change a bit more painless, to let Remus keep his whole mind instead of about eighty percent of it.
It was funny how Severus was sitting here, thinking of ways to make Remus Lupin more comfortable, simply because he was his friend. It was hard to think about the resentment and anger he'd once felt towards him. It was as if those feelings belonged in a different world, a universe where they remained rivals. A universe in where Severus had never gotten over his bitterness and hatred towards him, where he would never know the pull of those hazel-green eyes, that always made him think of a warm, wooded forest. Where he would never known how the scents of tea, chocolate, and old books made him feel like he was at home. His face began to grow warm with these thoughts of Remus Lupin, his heart beating fast against his chest, taking his breath away.
The flames in the fireplace suddenly grew, and a green glow illuminated the sitting room. Severus noticed none of this, still deep in his thoughts, trying to control his stress levels.
"Severus?"
Severus' heart jumped, his legs feeling numb. There was only one person in the world to make him react like that, with just the softest tone of his name. Severus looked up, calming himself down. He didn't want him to see him like this.
With his internal mask back on, Severus answered, "in here."
Remus entered the kitchen, looking exhausted, but seemed glad to be there. Severus took in his brown robes, disheveled and hanging on his thin frame. His messy, golden-hair in his eyes, which had dark circles underneath, and his pale skin, making the scars on his face stand out more than usual, betrayed the wolf on how he was coping. The werewolf certainly looked like he needed a nap as soon as possible.
Severus stood up and began to make an herbal tea mixed with a drop of a Sleeping Potion. Remus needed sleep. He had an idea of what was bothering him, what kept him up during the night. He suspected it for a while….
"Sit, Remus. You look dead on your feet. I'm making you some herbal tea mixed with a relaxant potion, to help you sleep tonight."
"There's no need, Severus. I wouldn't want to be a bother," Remus answered, standing in the doorway.
"You are not a bother, Lupin!" Severus growled as he set the teapot on the stove. "Now sit, before I make you sit!"
Remus chuckled, "your empty threats don't scare me!"
Severus scowled, "careful words, Lupin, don't forget, I'm the one making your tea."
Remus chuckled again. Severus heard the scrape of a chair, a rustle of robes, and knew the werewolf had sat down.
Once the tea was ready, Severus sat it in front of the werewolf. "I want you to drink every drop."
It was a moment where no one talked. Remus blowing on his tea, taking careful sips, savoring the flavor. Severus could see the werewolf melt as the herbal tea relaxed his body, taking away his anxiety.
Severus was finishing his own as he wondered yet again, how Harry managed to produce a perfect Draught of Living Death today, and why it seemed as if he were hiding his textbook in class. Something strange was going on and Severus couldn't figure it out. His stress and anxiety was taking a toll on him, and he knew if he wasn't so stressed out, then he would've figured out the answer by now, for the bloody thing was probably staring at him in the face!
"I take it that your talk with Harry didn't go well?"
Severus shook his head, "I was hoping we could resolve things, but it seemed as if we're more farther away than ever. How is this possible, Remus? How could we be so close one day, and then suddenly the next day it's as if nothing happened. He was so happy at the beach. He opened up! He told me he trusted me, and he was going to try to get better, and now ... not even one full day back at Hogwarts, and he hates me again! Maybe I wanted him so bad to get better, and I was just seeing what I wanted to see, when this whole time... he wasn't. I feel like we're back where we've started. Maybe he was just pretending…. I feel like..."
"You're not a failure, Severus, Harry is just being ... well you know… Harry. The moment you took him in, you knew it was going to be hard. Yet, you still adopted him, that's got to mean something to him."
"Remus, he just told me he didn't trust me. He lied to me..." Pain shot through his heart, making his chest feel tight. And perhaps, because it was Remus who was here, listening and offering advice, that Severus decided to let down his guard just a bit, letting himself feel the hurt Harry caused him. He let his voice shake a bit, showing Remus how much it had hurt Severus to be told those words.
Remus leant over the table, placing his hand over Severus' own that was gripping on tightly to his mug. His hazel-green eyes full of intensity and concern, met Severus' own.
"Don't give up, Severus. Right now, Harry is struggling with trust, and I don't blame him after everything he's been through. He may have lied to you, but deep down I know he wants to trust you. That fact that he said it, only means that he wants too, yet he doesn't know how and you have to show him. You must teach him. Think of all the things you've helped him with already. You've got him to see that cutting himself isn't a way to cope, you've helped him raise his self-esteem, and you showed him that he's not a freak, that he never deserved the Dursley's abuse. You've done so much for him, and I'm sure he knows it. Hope is not lost with him. Harry is strong, he'll come around. Just don't give up, you're doing a fantastic job."
Remus' words almost made Severus want to cry. He couldn't believe it. No one's ever been able to move him like that. What was it about this werewolf that affected Severus so much? He could not understand it.
And he was considering those forest-green eyes, suddenly lost in them.
Time just stopped. He could feel his heart beating in his chest and Severus almost told Remus everything that was bothering him, everything that caused him stress, everything...
Albus' plan...
The betrayal he was forced to do when the time came...
The secrets he was forced to keep...
The very fact that there would be a time where Severus won't be able to guide Harry through the war.
Harry was going to have to walk that road alone... A very dark, lonely road of betrayal and secrets, death, darkness and blood...
And in the end, Severus wouldn't be there.
And that killed him, it killed him so much, that it ate at him every day, and he suddenly couldn't take it anymore. He didn't want to be a part of Albus' plan. He wanted no part, but he had to be, for the next generation of young witches and wizards. For Harry's future...
Severus hated himself for following Albus blindly. And he was so grateful Remus was here, offering him advice. Grateful that Harry even bothered to show up and talk, showing Severus that his son still cared for their relationship. Remus was right. Hope was not lost, it wasn't, and Severus just had to hold on. That was the only thing that kept him from breaking, breaking into a million pieces right in front of Remus.
Remus just watched him, studying his face. Severus could see that Remus knew Severus was holding himself back from talking, he didn't ask for the answers of questions Severus could never reveal. And he was grateful for that...unfortunately, Severus was a Slytherin, and he couldn't do the same… he had to ask….
"Remus, thank you for that...I've noticed..."
Remus nodded, taking a swig of his tea, listening quietly as Severus tried to find the right words. Severus didn't want to ask this of him. He knew it wasn't fair of him to bring this up, after Remus had shown him such kindness.
If the roles were switched, and he was in Remus' place, who had the misfortune to be tortured by Greyback, he wouldn't want anybody asking about what happened. He wouldn't want people asking him why he couldn't sleep, how he was dealing…but Severus had too. He could see clearly Remus wasn't dealing. There was so much quiet pain in his eyes.
"You haven't been sleeping. You barely eat. You're easily distracted, not all your usual self…," Severus said all that in a low mummer, almost afraid to bring it up, hiding behind his curtain of hair as he looked down at his empty tea cup. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Severus stopped….
For there it was… his heart sank….
Remus' frown…
Golden-flecked eyes narrowed…
Clenched jaw and balled up fists….
All the signs of someone upset…no… angry….
Severus' words died in his throat, maybe the werewolf wasn't ready to talk about it….
Remus stood up, his chair clattering to the floor.
Severus was thrown off by this sudden reaction. In all the years he'd known him, since age eleven, Remus was always so mellow, so gentle, kind, reserved and patient. Never letting his anger get the best of him… never… until now…, this was not like Remus Lupin at all.
"Remus…."
Remus glared at him with angry, golden eyes.
Icy, cold eyes filled with pain, a deep, gut-wrenching pain, yet burning hot with anger and humiliation, anger and shame. Severus could feel the pain coming off him in waves.
Remus shook his head, turning around and leaving. Quickly, Severus followed him, grabbing him by the hand and turning him around. Remus pulled away from him, not saying a word. His werewolf strength was still there, pushing Severus almost to the floor, but luckily, he grabbed onto the arm of the sofa, preventing an embarrassing accident.
"Remus!" Severus shouted, but the werewolf didn't listen. He wrenched open the portrait door and slammed it shut behind him. Severus cursed out loud. He knew the werewolf heard him. He didn't care how angry this made him, he was going to get him to talk, no matter how bad he reacted. He could see Remus was depressed. He could see it clearly. The symptoms and signs were all there, and he wasn't going to let Remus fall.
The first week of Hogwarts flew by quickly. Harry found himself busy with classes and homework. Sixth year was proving to be tougher than their fifth year. His homework kept piling up. Late at night, he found himself unable to sleep, instead he busied himself by observing the Half-Blood Prince's book. The writing was familiar, he'd seen it before. He wondered who the Half-Blood Prince was. He skimmed through the book, looking at the improvements the Prince did on some of the instructions to brew a Wit-Sharpening Potion. In some of the corners, spells were written. Often Harry wondered if the Half-Blood Prince had created these unfamiliar spells, or wondered if this mysterious Prince was even alive still, as he flipped through the pages of the mysterious book.
When Harry was not in class, doing homework, or looking through the Prince's book, he was often wondering about Draco.
Draco seemed to be always accompanied by a group of Slytherins. Several times Harry tried to get Draco's attention, but he would never meet his gaze.
The tension around him and Severus seemed to be at a standstill. They talked again as Severus promised. For a couple of days, they were at least civil with each other, until...well... Harry had decided to talk back to him in class yesterday and showed him cheek. But bloody Snape deserved it! He was being a git to him and his friends, with not even a wink to show he was acting.
Sometimes Harry thought about mentioning the Half-Blood Prince to him. The Prince seemed like some sort of a potions genius and Severus would most likely know who he was. He almost did once... after class, once all his classmates were gone... but he didn't. What if Severus just got angry and took the book away, keeping yet more secrets. Harry decided not too. Severus had his secrets and now Harry had his.
Harry also noticed something weird going on between Remus and Severus. He couldn't name it, but it was tense between them. They didn't sit together during meals in the Great Hall anymore. Severus was constantly shooting angry, yet concerned looks at the werewolf. Remus was always trying his hardest not to look at Severus. Harry was disappointed. They seemed so good together, he wouldn't have minded having two dads. They needed each other and they were both stupid to let some fight they must've had to get in between them.
Harry was currently sitting in the Great Hall, eating breakfast, as all these thoughts swirled in his head. As he shot another swift glance at the feuding Severus and Remus, he took another bite of toast. Wondering what was up with them, wondering what to do with Draco, especially since Severus and Remus looked like they had their own problems to deal with. He had made up his mind. He didn't need adults to help him with Draco. He just had to find a way to get Draco alone and talk to him.
As Harry continued with his breakfast, he listened to the sounds of Ron and Hermione bickering, the chatter of students in the Great Hall, the hooting and fluttering owls as they brought in the morning post, the quiet, yet distinctive intellectual mutter of the professors at the staff table. Despite of everything, it was great to be back at Hogwarts officially as a student. He missed his friends, playing quidditch, hanging out at Gryffindor tower and his four-poster bed in the dormitories.
"I have a letter for you, Harry Potter."
Harry turned around to see a third year Hufflepuff handing him a letter with small and spiky handwriting on the envelope, addressing it to him.
"Um, thank you," he said, taking the envelope, waiting for the Hufflepuff to leave before showing it to Ron and Hermione. The neat writing was all too familiar. It was from Severus.
"Who is it from?" Hermione whispered, leaning close to Harry so no one could hear their conversation.
"Snape," Harry said, opening the letter and reading it. "He wants me to meet him on Saturday at eight o' clock P.M. for detention."
"But isn't that the same day as your lesson with Professor Dumbledore?" Hermione asked.
Yesterday, during a Potions lesson, Severus was either getting carried away by his role or was just being an ass to him and his friends. Harry lost his temper and decided to give him some cheek while answering every single hard question on the potion they were brewing correct with some help from the Prince, unknown by anyone in the classroom. Severus, who expected Harry to get those questions wrong, snapped at Harry, embarrassing him in font of everyone, of course Harry was going to talk back to him, and it landed him in detention. Severus was still icy with him, so Harry had been keeping his distance since then. He was really dreading the detention, not looking forward to another fight with his dad, at least now he had an excuse to avoid Severus some more.
Harry frowned, as he pulled out the note from Dumbledore he'd received on the first day of school and reread the slanted handwriting. He wondered what this could be about. During the summer, he recalled the headmaster mentioning extra lessons once the school year started. Could this be the first one?
"Severus will understand," Harry said. "This is way more important than some detention."
"I still don't think you should cancel your detention with Professor Snape. Dumbledore should schedule your lesson a different time," Hermione said.
"Oh, give it a rest, Hermione," Ron groaned. "How is detention with Snape more important than a lesson with Dumbledore?"
"Oh, let's see then!" Hermione snapped. "Severus is Harry's father, and their relationship is hanging on a thread! A thread! You should've seen his face in class yesterday! He was livid with you, Harry! And you deserved it! You were so disrespectful to him! You don't think that hurts his feelings? And to make matters worse, instead of going to detention and apologize, you're planning on going off with Dumbledore!"
"Hermione, this is Dumbledore we are talking about here," Harry said. "It's probably going to be about how I could defeat Voldemort!"
Ron flinched, dropping his orange juice all over his eggs. Hermione and Harry ignored him.
"This is the war we are talking about! It's too important! Severus and I can always talk and apologize later! Anyways, I don't even think I have much of a choice, this is a lesson from Dumbledore! Surely he's already told Severus about this."
"But Severus is your father, I could see how distant you are with him. You need to fix that!" Hermione argued.
Harry paused, shocked for a moment. He didn't think his friends had noticed. "Severus and I are gonna be okay," he said. "We always fight. Don't worry about us, Hermione."
Hermione scowled, getting up and grabbing her books. "Have you ever thought that maybe this fight is different? That maybe Professor Snape is really upset at your behavior? Honestly, Harry! He's done so much for you, and this is how you repay him? Acting like a brat?!"
Harry and Ron exchanged shocked glances, not daring to interrupt her.
"Stop pretending like you and your father are okay! You're not fooling anyone, certainly not me!" and she was gone, probably off to the library.
"How do you argue with her every day?" Harry scowled at Ron. "That was scary!"
"Beats me, mate," Ron shrugged serving himself another plate of eggs and bacon.
"But let's face it, Harry. She's always mad at one of us and then soon she gets over it. I bet she just went off to the library to do some research for what Dumbledore might teach you… like advanced spells or something, so she can show you and help you prepare later."
"Yeah… blimey… you're right," Harry said, suddenly feeling like a jerk.
"Let's face it," Ron said, "without her, we wouldn't have made it to sixth year."
Harry laughed, "I know, we are helpless without her. I don't even know why she puts up with us, honestly!"
"Cus we are the only one's smart enough to be her friend," Ron said.
Harry smirked at Ron's words. He knew for a while his best friends had crushes on each other, and he wondered how long it was going to take them to realize it. Hermione might be smart, but when it came to romance, like Ron and Harry, she was pretty much oblivious.
"Hey, Harry," Ginny sat down across from him. "What are you smirking at?"
Harry stashed the letters in his pocket. Hoping Ginny didn't see them. He wasn't sure if he could tell anyone else about his lessons with Dumbledore besides Ron and Hermione.
"Harry, listen, I was wondering if you knew who the new captain for the Gryffindor team is this year?"
"I don't know…," Harry answered. "I was actually thinking about asking Katie or Alicia." They were the only ones left from the original Gryffindor team when Harry started in his first year.
"I'm shocked you didn't get the badge this year," she said.
Harry tried not blush.
"Hey! Maybe Dumbledore is planning on giving you the badge during your…! Ow!" Ron never got to finish his sentence for Harry gave him a kick under the table. He didn't want Ginny to know about the meetings. He wasn't sure if he was allowed to tell people.
Of course, Ginny didn't miss the look Harry gave her brother, she narrowed her eyes at them, but was tactful enough to not say anything.
Harry's stomach was doing cartwheels and flipflops. The last time he and Ginny were alone seemed so long ago.
The memory of it made him blush, remembering how close she was to him, the smell of her hair, the way she looked at him. It made Harry forget where he was and how messed up and overwhelmed he felt sometimes. She made him feel like a different person, like he could somehow live a normal life. A life where his parents did not die and he wasn't the chosen one to defeat a Dark Lord. It was all Harry ever wanted, to be normal, but he wasn't… and he hated it. He hated himself for it.
Harry remembered how he felt when she admitted to him that she understood him, that she knew what he was going through, and Harry could see it in her. That she truly meant it. He could still remember the fireflies around them, making her red hair glow, and the gift she gave him, simple, yet… it meant everything. It made him feel like he belonged with her and her family. No matter where he'd came from.
He wondered what would've happened if they had kissed, how her lips would've felt if Severus had not interrupted. He so much wanted to hold her hand that was lying face down on the table in front of him.
"Let's get to class, mate," Ron said, Ginny smiled at Harry and he wondered if she knew what he was thinking about. He smiled back and waved goodbye at her before following Ron out of the Great Hall.
Severus was livid, beyond livid.
How dare Albus schedule a meeting with Harry on the very day he was assigned detention!
Albus knew why Harry had the detention, how the boy decided to be stupid and disrespectful to him.
Albus knew the sudden strain on their relationship.
Albus knew he was planning to give Harry a good lecture, in the process hopefully repairing what was broken between them!
But, no!
Albus had to be selfish!
He didn't even have the decency to let Severus know until ten minutes before Potter was to arrive. Severus had prepared a sink full of rusted old cauldrons, caked with grime of old failed potions for the brat to scrub and feel sorry for himself.
Severus shouted out his password and banged the portrait door shut behind him, heading straight to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. He slammed down the tea kettle onto the stove, all the while muttering to himself about disrespectful teenagers and headmasters that didn't consider anyone else's needs but their own!
Once the tea was ready, Severus sat down in his office. A pile of student work was there waiting for him, making him grumpier. He didn't really feel like checking those over but he did anyway, his disappointment becoming greater which each passing paper. He was just writing a big red D over Weasley's paper. When he heard the roar of the fireplace in his sitting room, the walls glowed green, and he wondered who could be paying him a social call at this hour. He glanced at the clock, it was late.
It better be Albus! He thought.
Severus got up and made his way to the sitting room, to see the Hogwarts headmaster standing in front of the fireplace.
"You have some nerve showing up after what you've just pulled!" Severus growled.
"Ah, Severus," Albus chuckled. "The lesson went well, if you were wondering."
Severus narrowed his eyes, unable to help himself, and asked how the first meeting went. He doubted Harry was even going to tell him. After all, the boy also failed to mention the change of plans for his detention.
"How did he do?"
"I showed him a bit of Merope Gaunt's family. Harry has potential. I know with our guidance, he will succeed what we cannot."
"Meaning..."
"He discovered far more than I did from Bob Ogden's memory. Harry will defeat Tom. It's essential for us to prepare him, until the time comes when he must defeat Tom without us there to guide him."
"And what if I don't want him to do this by himself?"
"Severus, I've told you so many times, it's the only way. This is what has to happen and Harry will succeed. Just have faith in the boy."
Severus snorted, eyes landing on Albus' black hand, dead, lifeless from the curse. Harry would've tried asking the headmaster about that tonight. Severus knew his son well.
"Did he ask you about your hand," he asked.
Albus raised up his hand, examined it and said, "he's very curious, he did try asking but I steered him to a different topic."
"He's not going to let it go so easily, he'll bring it up again, until he gets an answer. Harry doesn't like things hidden from him, especially things he deserves to know."
Albus only examined his hand once more and chuckled.
Severus scowled, "is there anything else in particular that you came to tell me, if not…."
"One more thing, your detention is rescheduled for any day of your choosing."
"Great," Severus muttered. "Well if that is all, I must get back to grading some very disappointing term papers."
Albus chuckled, "don't mind me intruding any longer. I have another lead on another horcrux. I won't be here for a few weeks, I'm afraid, so please watch over the students, Severus."
Worry prickled in Severus' chest. The old fool annoyed him to no end, but he had to face it, without Albus, the wizarding world didn't stand a chance. Harry would be lost without him, and Severus, well, he would be without the only father/mentor figure he'd ever known. He was never going to admit that, even after death.
"Don't be stupid this time, Albus, take care you don't curse your other hand."
The words were mean, but behind them, Severus hid his worry and fear for him, hid the fact that he cared for the man. And he was pretty sure Albus understood what he was hiding.
"I'll take care, Severus, there's too much at stake. I cannot afford to make anymore foolish mistakes.
Severus could've sworn the old man had a tear in his eye, but he didn't care to look, instead he just headed back to his office and a roar of green flames had announced Albus' departure.
As Severus buried himself into his work, his anger began to disappear. Instead fear and worry began to overwhelm him. Worry for Albus' safety on his journey on hunting horcruxes, fear and worry for his son, who was destined to walk this path alone to defeat the Dark Lord. He knew Albus was doing all he could to protect Harry and guide him, he knew Albus was doing what he thought to be right, to save the wizarding world. He knew this was Harry's destiny, but he wished Albus was wrong.
But Albus was hardly ever wrong...
And he feared for the time when Harry would be alone without his mentor or father around to guide him.
Severus found himself vowing, no matter what, no matter how much Harry might hate him after the terrible promise was accomplished, Severus planned to do everything in his power, even if he had to do it undercover, to help his son on his path to defeat the Dark Lord, to help him with any tasks Albus was planning on leaving for him after his death, and insure that he survived...even if Severus had to sacrifice his own life...for Severus had a feeling he may not make it to see the outcome of the war, not with a role such as his. All the lies he'd been feeding to the Dark Lord would surely catch up with him eventually. There was no hope for Severus, no going back, and he'd accepted it long ago. But hope would never be lost for his son, because in spirit and in life, Harry would always have Severus.
