Chapter Three - Deepest regrets
Behind him, sora could feel a cool breeze.
"Mmmm... what I'd give just to be out there." Sora fantasized the lush green grass and cool breeze. He daydreamed rolling around in the forest... with Riku.
"NO!" He screamed, sure that he would have been heard. Then he decided. He wasn't going to be a wuss this time. He wasn't just going to go back to class like a good little boy. He sucked at keyblade class anyway... though he wished he didn't. He wished he could master the keyblade with confidence rather than just being... the assistant. But now was no time for wishing. Now was the time for action. Sora climbed awkwardly onto the toilet and heaved himself through the window. Luckily he was small, so he just managed to get through. He rolled over onto the grass smiling. At least he was free from the torture of classes. He'd catch a bus to the park and just sunbathe all day. Bliss.
The park was empty.
"Good." He thought. At least there would be no-one to ask him why he wasn't at school. He lay on his back, looking at the clouds. Seeing all the different shapes they made. He was at peace. And for the first time in he didn't know how long, he was happy. But he knew it couldn't last forever.
When he got home everything was normal. Mum and Sara were watching T.V. and Dad was working. Sora went straight up to his room. No-one noticed. Why would they? They never do. He pulled open his top draw and fished under his diary to find pictures of his fantasy. Riku. Sora's mind drifted back to what Tidas had asked him earlier...
"Sora... are you gay?" Sora knew that he was. It wasn't a big deal. He liked girls too... Yuffie for instance. He really liked Yuffie. The way she sang made him feel so...tingly. But he didn't like her as much as Riku. No. Riku was his fantasy. His dream. His life. It was true, all Sora ever thought about was Riku. Mostly fantasizing but then about how Riku would never know that little Sora existed. He knew he was overreacting. Riku was just a guy. Why get so emotional and waste your life for a guy? But Sora couldn't stop. It was an obsession beyond all others.
Sora still deeply regretted the day four years ago, when the Keyblade Master tryouts were on, and there was a space to be Riku's duelling partner. He desperately wanted to enter, but every time he told his mum about it she just told him he wasn't good enough, or she'd change the subject. So Sora never got round to it. But there were no words to describe the deep regret permanently placed upon Sora's young heart. It was tearing him apart.
But now, Kairi was Riku's partner. And Sora just knew they'd get together. Kairi was beautiful, talented; popular... the list went on. And then of course the fact Kairi was a GIRL! And Riku was STRAIGHT! Well... at least that's what Sora assumed. But that didn't stop him dreaming of romantic rendezvous under the moonlight. In secret gardens... on peaceful beaches... driving to see mountains. There wasn't a fantasy that Sora hadn't fantasized. They consumed him. They made him feel better though. Because, for hours on end, he could live in a world which was fair. A world where he was happy, truly happy. Isn't that what we all want? To just be happy. Some of us are. But Sora wasn't.
Sora picked up his guitar and sat on his bed. He began strumming out the tune to his favourite song. Hallelujah. Yuffie sang it. It was the first song he heard her sing. And the last. He never got to hear it again. It was so beautiful though, it sent shivers down his spine. He wished he could write songs like that.
He went downstairs and turned on the computer. He went onto his online diary.
I'm weird today. I didn't talk. I'm talking now. But only because I'm tired. I'm sad, but i always am so what does it matter and who gives a shit? Only one person. I won't kid myself. No-one else should. They just think i'm sad over another stupid girl...or probably guy now coz everyone thinks i'm gay. It's not that. It's much worse. No-one can know. I don't care if this is going to be posted on the internet. Because the thing is no-one will believe me anyway. They will just think it's some new ploy for attention.. I got angry alot today. Then i felt bad so i cried all through break. pathetic. i planned a note in my head. it made me more sad. i'm sorry Wakka for bringing you down i'm sorry Selphie for not smiling and for not talking to you today. i'm sorry everyone for getting mad. i'm really sorry though, to Tidus. you did nothing wrong yet i took my stupid depression out on you...this doesn't make anything better. i still did it. it wasn't me though.
He pressed the 'publish entry' button and turned off the machine. It was the cowardly thing to do. Apologizing over the internet.
"Sora! Tea's ready!" Sora plodded into the kitchen to find Sara already eating. He sat down opposite her and started eating. They never talked anymore. Probably because Sora never felt much like talking. In silence he was at peace. In a world with his love. In a world of innocence...or not, thought Sora, smirking slightly.
"What are you smiling at?" Asked his sister.
"Oh," Sora thought... "Just nothing..." Sara gave him a weird look before returning to her food. And once more, Sora let himself drift of into his own fantasy world...
