Chapter Five - Darkest Secrets

Sora couldn't sleep that night. And he knew why. He was always tired - everyone knew this and just assumed that Sora was the kind of person that needed more sleep. At least this is what he told them. But nobody knew the real reason. The real reason why he lay awake at night crying and spent the day being depressed. It wasn't for imagining Riku - though that also kept him awake; but it was because of his darkest secret that had haunted him for eight years. This wasn't the only reason he was depressed - most of the time he never even thought about his secret. Depression was just his way of coping with what he perceived to being inadequate. But when he was alone... he could not help but regret and cry for his worst mistake. It had been haunting him more recently, though he didn't know why. Tidus said that when the moon was in its fourth quarter, depression was more common. Tidus was probably right. He knew these things. And Sora admired him for that, even if Tidus saw it as a burden, Sora saw him as a man of wisdom. Someone you could go to if there was an answer you needed to know, or a problem you needed to solve. Tidus would always know a sensible answer. That was really was cleverness was. Not books or equations. But knowing how to help people. That's what Sora believed. He however, was never very good at helping people. He believed it was because he was too self-centred to notice anyone else. Though he did have a very low opinion of himself. Then again, with his secret... you couldn't' really blame him.

The weekend once again ended as quickly as it had begun, and Sora was feeling especially nervous about the new club he was going to. He felt even worse after Wakka said to him in a menacing voice,

"Have fun replacing me." Sora couldn't describe his feelings after those words. He knew Tidus and Wakka had always gone to the club together before but he wasn't replacing Wakka! Why would he think that? Sora didn't know what to do. He thought he should stay at home instead - Tidus and Wakka had been on pretty rough ground lately. And however much Tidus told him otherwise, he knew it was his fault. Tidus and Wakka had been best friends for years until Sora muscled his way in after his other friends effectively deserted him. He didn't want to get Tidus hurt after all he had done for him in the past. But he really wanted to go as he'd never really got out much and he saw this as an excellent opportunity. So he went.

Sora knew he could have really enjoyed it. He was really getting into it - his first big chance of getting the social life he'd always dreamed of. Talking to people and not worrying what they thought of him. He even quite liked another boy there until he found out he was two years younger than him, would never be interested and that was NOT the point of him coming to the club anyway. So he figured they'd just be friends at best. But Wakka was obviously upset. He didn't try to hide it. So Sora never got the chance to enjoy himself. He was upset at first but when he got back home he was angry.

"Why should I have my day ruined just because that prat can't get over that Tidus has other friends? I thought he was O.K. with it? Hell, I thought we were even friends! I guess he doesn't like me as much as I thought. He sees me as a threat. And that's all."

Sora couldn't sleep that night either. Images flashed in his mind. Secret meetings with secret purposes. He felt like throwing up... or worse. How could he live knowing what he had done? He still didn't know.