Chapter Eight - So Much Alike

A/N: I do not own Moonshadows from Cat Stevens

Warning: Mentions of self harm and mental health

After what felt like an eternity being stuck in dreams of himself running as a wolf in a dark and cold forest with no light, and of girls with red eyes calling his name, Remus finally found the sun. He followed its rays, his eyes blinking in its strong light, feeling the warmth on his pelt that washed away the icy, cold fear. And he saw a silhouette of a black wolf before he opened his eyes slowly, the hospital wing coming into focus.

His eyes landed on Severus Snape and Madame Pomfrey who were standing at the foot of his bed. The Potions Master was handing over a small wooden box of potions to the medic witch. Remus didn't voice himself to them, only watched the early afternoon sun-rays falling on Severus, illuminating his dark features.

The lingering fear from his nightmares washed away, leaving him a throbbing headache. Remus closed his eyes and took a deep breath. The gentle murmuring of Severus' voice gave him a warm comfort as he tuned in with this body, mentally scanning himself and feeling the areas that hurt. His muscles were sore, one side of his face felt tight, and he realized how heavy and stiff his leg felt. He tried to move it a little but was greeted with pain, causing him to open his eyes as he gasped, alerting himself to Severus and Madame Pomfrey.

"Lupin, you're awake," Severus suddenly said.

"How do you feel?" Madame Pomfrey asked, as she began to check his vitals.

"I'm fine, just sore," Remus groaned.

"Of course you're sore, you did a number on yourself last night. I told Albus not to pile too much on you. Stress always makes the wolf more restless, resulting in you having more injuries."

"It's nothing I can't handle, Poppy," Remus said, trying to sound light. He didn't want her to fuss over him, he wanted to show that he was strong, that he was used to pain.

"Well, your vitals seem good and everything is healing nicely," she said. "Do you feel any pain?"

Remus shook his head, the sudden pain from his movement had passed, leaving a dull ache behind. He could feel Severus watching him as Madame Pomfrey fussed over him. Feeling slightly embarrassed from the matron's fussing, Remus didn't meet his eyes.

"Poppy, can I take over? I need to speak to Lupin," Severus asked politely.

"Certainly, Severus," she handed him a small jar. "If you don't mind helping him with this. It's to minimize the new scarring on his face. And he may be in pain once he starts to move around, if you need to give him a dose of this, you may."

Severus took the jars and nodded. Remus watched him pull up a chair besides his bed and took a seat. For a few moments it was silent. Remus let Severus gather his thoughts while he tried to sit up to a more comfortable position. He wanted to inspect his leg and figure out why it was so stiff and heavy. He tried not to grunt out in pain as he pulled himself up, slowly moving his leg.

"Here! Let me help you," Severus suddenly said, realizing what Remus was doing.

"No, I'm fine!" Remus shouted without meaning too. He was already embarrassed enough.

Once Remus pulled himself up, propped up with pillows, he took the chance to inspect his leg. Just below his knee all the way down to his calf muscles were heavily bandaged.

"How bad is it," he asked, frowning at the sight. His leg was now hurting from the movement as Poppy had predicted.

"It's going to take a while to heal on its own, not as fast as your usual wounds. Here take this, it's to help with the pain," Severus handed him a small vial.

Remus took the vile, studying it curiously for it looked familiar…exactly as the ones that were forced down his throat…. and suddenly he was insulted with the memory…

Greyback's voice was suddenly in his head, causing Remus to flinch in fear, dropping the vial.

"Go get some basic pain potions. I need the wolf to be able to stand at least today," Greyback growled. "You disgust me, Remus. You're so weak and pampered by that fool you call a headmaster, look where that's got you!"

And Remus was suddenly there, as if he never left…

"No, I can't…," he stammered out.

He was seeing the cabin and the wooden fence. The sounds of crunching feet of werewolves walking on dirt floor and the sounds of the forest that hid him from the world was loud. Bright and hot sun burned his skin, as kids leaning on the fence watched the Death Eaters hold Remus down. He could feel their tight iron grip as he fought against them. Rough hands pulled his mouth open, and pain potion after pain potion was forced down his throat. Remus fought until everything was numb, until he lost a sense of who he was, until he couldn't fight anymore.

"Remus…."

Remus flinched at the unknown voice calling his name. Greyback was still loud in his head.

"Don't you look worse for wear? It hardly seems fair to let the cubs fight you in this pitiful condition, doesn't it? But you know, son, war… is… never… fair…, Crucio!"

And pain, so much pain….he writhed from it, trying to escape it, screaming in agony.

A dark skinned boy was suddenly circling him, amber eyes glowing…

"You killed him, Remus Lupin," her voice whispered, a voice that haunted him only in dreams, and Remus wondered when he fell asleep. Could it be possible Kaylie was haunting him in the waking world as well? The boy jumped on Remus with a growl, tearing into his shoulder. The scent of dirt and blooded invaded his senses. He felt the spirit of the wolf began to grow angry.

"No!" he shouted.

"Remus, it's okay," the unknown voice sounded again from the distance, warm and calm. It chased away the others. "Remus, you're here with me….It's Severus, your.. your friend…"

Severus?

"You're just having a flashback. It isn't real. You're here in the hospital wing at Hogwarts. You are not at that camp anymore. You are not in danger, you are safe with me," the voice said, becoming louder and stronger.

Remus grasped on to that voice, letting it guide him back to his sanity. I'm going crazy, he thought as he gasped for air.

I can't breathe…

"What's wrong with me? I'm crazy… I'm a monster. She's right, I killed them all, I killed them all!" He didn't mean to say that, it just spilled out, he was losing control. He could feel the wolf at his surface, whimpering in pain, longing to be free.

"No, Remus, you are not any of those things. Breathe for me please, come on, Remus. This is Severus, I need you to breathe."

The voice was louder than all the others, the one guiding him out. "Open your eyes, Remus, tell me where you're at."

Remus shook his head. "I can't…"

"You can trust me, you're safe here at the hospital wing of Hogwarts. No one can hurt you."

Remus opened his eyes, his vision slightly blurry.

"Can you breathe? Come on, in and out." The voice was warm, gentle, it began to calm Remus down and he found that mirroring the breathing of..Severus.. it was Severus… made it easier to breathe.

Remus' vision soon cleared, and he was pulled into dark obsidian eyes, bringing him back to reality.

"Tell me your surroundings, tell me where you are," Severus said softly.

"I'm with you, Severus," Remus tore his gaze away from his eyes and looked around the room he was in. "In this room with white walls, beds and the curtains. It smells like herbs and medicinal potions. Large windows, letting in the sun, showing us the grounds of Hogwarts."

"Yes that's good, can I touch you?"

Remus nodded as he gained control of his breathing. His vision became clear and he forced himself not to cry as he hid his face in his hands. He was so embarrassed Severus saw him like that. How a tiny potion bottle could set him off, he didn't understand…

"What is wrong with me?" he asked, cold hands gently tugged his own hands away from his face, holding them gently.

"There is nothing wrong with you."

Remus just shook his head. "I can't stop seeing her, Severus, I can't stop."

"You've once shown me a memory of Greyback ordering the Death Eaters to drug you…is that where you went? Those were of my own brews. I'm so so sorry, Remus, I didn't know…"

Remus shook his head. "It's not your fault you were only following orders. You wouldn't have known the potions they demanded were for me at the time."

"You're not crazy, Remus, you're not a monster. You are just a person whose had terrible things happened too. You were tortured, and now your mind and body is trying to recover from it. You are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. That girl you're seeing is a symptom of that. She isn't real, it's not her actual spirit haunting you. Kaylie doesn't hate you. She is at peace with her father. Her death wasn't your fault."

As Severus spoke, Remus stared at their joined hands. The feel of the Potions Master's skin on his own grounded him, keeping him from falling apart again. He held on tighter. He could still feel the wolf inside of him howling in pain, Remus felt like doing the same. He felt like he was going insane and just wanted to cry but he couldn't. He had to keep his emotions in check because of his father, whose voice was forever in his head telling him to reign them in. Don't lose control. Don't cry. Don't be angry or the wolf will show. The wolf was always tied to his emotions and he hated it. He needed something to distract himself with, he was sure the wolf was showing in his eyes. He didn't want to scare Severus away.

He moved his gaze to his bandaged leg. Ptsd, is that what he had? Was that the cause of his sleepless nights and of Kaylie's spirit haunting him? She felt so real… her eyes and her voice, it was real to him. He thought of what Severus said and couldn't accept it. The Potions Master didn't have to see her every time he closed his eyes, he couldn't possibly understand.

"I'm here if you ever want to talk. I won't force you this time, just know that I'm here for you," Severus said, breaking the silence.

"Can I see my wound?" Remus asked. He didn't acknowledge Severus' words, purposely changing the subject. It was making him uncomfortable. It was weird that Severus Snape was acting like this towards him after years of dislike and bullying, even after several months of friendship from each other.

"I don't think you'll want to see it," Severus frowned, his dark gaze searching Remus.

Can he see the wolf in my eyes?

Remus forced his gaze to meet the obsidian black eyes of Severus Snape. And he felt that familiar pull every time they made eye contact. It scared him, yet warmed him, making him feel safe. It was confusing. What was it about those eyes that made him feel like that? Why did he want to lean into him, yet push him away at the same time?

"I need to," Remus said softly.

He could see that Severus was hesitant. "Severus, please, I want to see what I did to myself."

"Okay, just keep in mind it looks way worse than it seems. Poppy checked it before you woke and said it's healing nicely."

Remus watched him undo the bandages until he could see the damage he'd done to himself. His leg from the calf muscles up to just below the knee was severely chewed. The flesh was raw yet looked as if it had been healing for a couple of days.

"Will I able able to walk normally once it heals?"

"Only time will tell. Poppy has been putting drops of potion to regrow the missing flesh and muscles you've lost. Since the injury is severe it may still cause permanent damage, especially since it was done by the wolf. You're going to have scarring and you might have a limp for awhile."

Remus nodded as he watched him rewrap his leg, hiding the hideous flesh. The wolf inside him was calming down, leaving Remus to feel more like himself again.

"Did you want to talk about last night?" Remus asked, once they're both settled again.

"We can talk about it later if you want."

"No, I think we should..."

Severus nodded.

"I just want to apologize for being so harsh last night, your feelings were valid. I'm sorry it seemed like I was leading you on and then suddenly turned to Tonks," Remus confessed. "I didn't mean to make you feel like I was dumping you as a friend, your friendship means a lot to me."

"Your friendship means a lot too, wolf," Severus said. "I don't like you being friends with that witch, but I'll bear it for you. She makes you happy, I can see that, and I don't want to keep that from you."

"It's easy being around her. She doesn't know much of my past, it's like starting new with her, but it doesn't mean that I don't want to be friends with you. She may be a new start, but she isn't you."

Severus smiled. It was rare to see him smile and it warmed Remus to be the cause of it. Remus' eyes landed on the small jar on the night table. Severus watched where his eyes landed and picked it up.

"May I?" he asked.

Remus nodded once.

Severus unscrewed the lid and leaned forward to gently dab the balm onto Remus' face, his fingers felt cold and calloused from working with potions. The scent of herbs and his shampoo enveloped Remus' senses as he watched Severus' face, his eyes full of gentle concentration. He suddenly wanted to kiss him, but he didn't give in to that impulse, he couldn't, he just couldn't do it. It would mess up the friendship they finally reestablished.

"This should make most of the scarring go away," he said, pulling Remus out of those dangerous thoughts. They leaned away from each other, reestablishing their personal space as Severus put away the jar and wiped his hands on a cloth.

"More scars on my face, that's exactly what I need."

"It gives you character."

"I look frightful."

"Remus…"

"What changed, Severus?"

"What are you on about?"

"What changed? You've hated me for years since we first met, and now you want to be my friend? When did I stop being a monster in your eyes?"

"Remus Lupin, you're not a monster!"

"But you used to believe that of me."

Severus shook his head. "I hated you because I didn't understand, causing me to fear you. It wasn't fair to you. I apologize for ever thinking that of you, as a dangerous creature."

"And then what changed your mind?" Remus pushed, he wanted to know how Severus saw him. What made him see him as more than a dangerous werewolf?

"It was seeing your pain, Remus, after you were rescued. I watched you struggled with the girl's death. I still hated you, still carried my grudges against you, blamed the torture I endured from your friends on you. Then when we fought against Greyback to rescue Harry, you were willing to give your life for him. Harry is the world to me, my son, and you feel the same way, how could I ignore that? How could I see you as a monster after that? You are just like me, with flaws and mistakes in our past that costed lives, and now we are trying all we can to redeem ourselves by giving everything for Harry and for the war."

"Then you understand my grief for Kaylie and the werewolf children?"

"Of course I do. I hate that I'm responsible for lost lives such as Abbot's death. There are so many cases like her's, lives that I couldn't save because it would've blown my cover," Severus said, his voice suddenly cracking.

Remus tentatively took his hand, providing a warm and quiet comfort, encouraging him to go on.

"I see them all the time in my dreams. Don't you think I struggle as you? I'm the monster for letting them die, for choosing myself over them. I'm a Death Eater and that's all people see, they don't know I've changed. They only see the mark on my arm and they run, they pull their children away, and the fear in their eyes say it all. And I shouldn't expect anything more, for it's the consequences of my choices. You were right last night, wolf, I once had my freedom. I had doors opened for me once I finished Hogwarts, but I chose the Dark Lord. I gave away my freedom. I took that for granted and paid for it. I lost Lily and I found myself alone, until I grew close to you and I guess that is why I was so upset about you becoming friends with Tonks. I was afraid of losing you. You're the only one who understands what it's like to be me."

"I know that all too well…," Remus said softly, thinking over Severus' words. He knew of the look people gave him out on the streets, when they discovered what he was, a werewolf, the fear in their eyes, and how he could never escape that. The brand on his chest was permanent, a forever reminder of the monster he was. No matter what Severus said, no matter how much they relate…. no one could could ever erase it, not when it was burned onto his skin over his heart.

Remus pulled his hand away from Severus, covering his face. He wanted to say all what he felt to the wizard next to him, who just opened up to him, but he couldn't do it. He was so used to holding everything inside, he was trained to push people away.

"Remus," Severus said. "Do you remember the last time we kissed? I don't mean to upset you or pressure you with anything you're not ready for, I just want you to remember the conversation we had after that kiss, you promised me something."

At the memory of that kiss, Remus felt his cheeks grow warm. He pulled his hands away from his face, brushing his hair out of his eyes. "And what was that?" he asked.

"You promised me you wouldn't push me away anymore. You need to let me in, tell me how you feel. You don't have to close yourself off from me. We are friends, you can trust me," Severus said, his eyes searching Remus who stared back at him, considering what he was saying.

"You're right, Severus, I did promise. It's just hard after growing up with…" Remus stopped, it hurt too much at the moment to bring up his father.

"I understand…."

Remus sighed, trying to find the right words. "I just… you keep giving me reasons why I shouldn't call myself a monster." He suddenly unbuttoned his night shirt, just enough for Severus to see the ugly brand. "But how can I not see myself as one when this is burned into my skin? How could I not think of myself as dangerous? It's a forever reminder of me being a dark creature."

Severus pulled up his sleeve, revealing the dark mark. "And this is forever branded into me, but does it still make me a Death Eater? Even now that I've changed, do I still deserve to be called a monster? Just because these marks are branded into us, doesn't make us what we are."

"But you're using your dark mark for good by spying for Albus. You have to be cunning and clever to survive every meeting with Voldemort. No one else can do what you do. It shows that you're strong and you've changed, willing to risk your life. You're not the same boy you once were who was obsessed with the dark arts. You aren't bad, Severus, not a monster at all."

"And there you have it, you don't see me as a monster and I don't see you as a monster. There are no monsters here. It wasn't your fault you were bit by a werewolf. Your father was wrong to make you believe you were any different from the boy you were before the incident. Greyback was wrong for feeding off your insecurities and branding that lie onto your chest. You are a human being, who I happen to have a lot in common with. We've both grew up with parents that never tried to understand us. We've both struggled when we were young to fit in. We both are discriminated against, me as a Death Eater, you as a werewolf. We've both made wrong choices that we wish we could change. We've both lost people we loved. We've both been through things no other could understand…and here we are, still trying to live, still fighting for the light to win. And well, you're the only one besides me that is there for Harry. You're the only one who understands and could give me parenting advice. They were wrong, Remus. Try to forget anything they've said to you and believe me as your friend, that you are very much human."


It was the end of the week, classes were finally over for the day for Harry and his friends. This time Hermione was not speaking to both Ron and Harry. This morning Ron had told her the spell Harry had used to wake him up, Levicorpus. Hermione didn't find it as funny as Ron did, harassing Harry with questions if he'd got it from the Half-Blood Prince's book. She made her arguments clear about it sounding sketchy and could be seen as dark magic. Harry didn't admit it to her, but he did get it from the book. He had been spending the mornings, looking through it, reading the messy and spiky writing. It frustrated him that he couldn't figure out where he had seen the writing before. Harry disagreed that it could be used for dark magic, this person was a genius! Hermione didn't understand that, she was just jealous of Harry being better than her at Potions now. And besides, the spell he learned this morning seemed like a harmless laugh, something his dad James Potter and the Marauders would've used.

Did that make his dad a bad person using a spell like that? He did once see his dad use it on Severus in the pensieve last year. Maybe this was another creation of theirs, like the Marauder's Map, which was definitely not a dark object. James Potter was not into dark magic, was he? He hated that Hermione had instilled that sense of doubt in him and there was no way he could ask Severus about it. Sev hated Harry's biological dad, he would most likely agree with Hermione and take the book away. Those thoughts the argument had created, had left him in a bad mood throughout the rest of the day. And what made it worse was right after that argument, Ginny had come up to Harry with a note from Dumbledore.

Harry hadn't failed to notice his absences from the past few days. During dinner when the headmaster's seat was empty, Harry, Ron and Hermione would talk about where he might be, why he was leaving, what he was doing. He even talked to Severus about the headmaster's strange absences, but his dad wouldn't tell him. The three teens then concluded it had to be linked to Harry's private lessons with Dumbledore. Harry was surprised that he received a note for the next lesson, he hadn't realized that the headmaster was back.

When Ginny had handed Harry the note, he realized that he hadn't had a chance to hang out with her. Although they've been spending a lot of time goofing around and training together with the Quidditch team, they hadn't found time to be alone and Harry felt like it was his fault. He wasn't good talking to girls, at least with Ginny it was easier and less awkward than it was with Cho. So in hoping to salvage their once-growing relationship, Harry asked her if she wanted to join him and his friends at Hogsmead the next day, but she turned him down for Dean Thomas.

Harry thought of the few times he and Ginny were alone. He thought there was something growing between them. Maybe he was wrong. He wanted to talk to his friends about it, but he couldn't. Ron would flip if he found out that Harry had feelings for his sister and Hermione was too upset with him about the Prince. Harry knew this was his fault. He had been dealing with so much lately, he should've tried harder to hang out with Ginny. She probably assumed he wasn't interested in her and now he was getting friend-zoned. This day couldn't get any worse.

And it did….lessons were tough. And the sixth year Gryffindors finally left their last class of the day, which was Transfiguration, with a huge pile of homework to be due on Monday.

The only good thing that cheered Harry up was the bit of news he received from Severus who was covering Remus' Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson, for Remus had been in the hospital wing for a few weeks now since the full moon. Before Harry left for his next lesson that morning, Severus informed him that Remus was being released today and he could finally pay him a visit.

Now that lessons were over and the weekend was starting, Harry found himself with free time until dinner. Hermione had walked on ahead, muttering to them that she was going to the library to get started on homework, leaving just Harry and Ron together walking in the corridor towards Gryffindor Tower. Stress and anxiety was building up inside Harry. He wanted to be alone, but then he'll be alone with his thoughts. He was tired of thinking of the mysterious Prince and who he might be. Tired of the questions that bothered him all day like if James Potter was into dark magic, if the spell was dark magic? If Hermione was right? And what the next lesson with Dumbledore would be about? And Ginny…when would he ever understand girls? When did it get easier? Maybe visiting Remus right now would be a good distraction. He was afraid if he went off alone, he might give into his stress and cut.

"I'm going to visit Remus," Harry said to Ron, stopping in his tracks.

"Okay, I'll walk you there, mate," Ron said, stopping besides him.

"You don't have to do that," Harry said, knowing the motive behind his friend's request. "I'm not a complete mental case. I can be on my own."

Suddenly Harry and Ron were shoved aside. As Harry regained his balance, he looked up to see that it was Draco who shoved past them, walking in a fast speed to the staircase.

"Oi! What's your bloody problem!" Ron shouted, but the Slytherin kept walking.

"Why is he in such a hurry?" Harry asked, he was itching to follow him, but he knew he couldn't with Ron. Also, he promised his dad and Remus he wouldn't do anything stupid and keep out of trouble.

It was still tempting…

"Beats me," Ron said. "Did you know he tried to smuggle in his Hand of Glory?"

"What?"

"Yeah, they searched all of us when we arrived beginning of term for dark objects. They made him stay behind as they went through his trunk."

"Draco tried to sneak in a dark object? I wonder why…do you think it's got to do with him being a Death Eater?"

Maybe with his task? Harry thought to himself. Is it his task to sneak something in?

Maybe it was the answer to why Draco was always disappearing off the map. Harry had been spending night after night watching him, trying to figure it out. Could it be a dark object he was using to make himself disappear?

"Harry, I don't think its got anything to do with that. Death Eater or not… he's just a slimy Slytherin trying to mess with us. It was dumb of us to believe that he changed, he's just a prat."

Ron's words were lost on Harry.

Draco is trying to sneak in dark objects! It has to be for his task! It's how he's disappearing off the map! He has something that's making him leave the castle!

Harry's mind was going a mile per minute. He wondered if Remus might agree with him. Suddenly he had to see his Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor! Maybe he'll know of dark objects that could make people disappear or even leave Hogwarts! And maybe he could clear Harry's stress on his dad James Potter using dark spells.

"Well, if you insist on being alone, then see ya at dinner?" Ron asked.

"Yeah," Harry answered, his thoughts still on Draco and his task, and dark objects. "See ya, Ron."

Harry turned the opposite corridors that lead him to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom with Remus' office and quarters next door. Before entering, he quickly pulled out his map to check on Draco.

"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good," he whispered. He scanned the map for Draco, but he wasn't there. Harry wished he had taken the chance to follow him and find out where he was going, and how he was doing it.

"Mischief managed," Harry said in disappointment, knowing he'd lost his only chance to figure out Draco. He closed the map, putting it away before knocking on the door of Remus' quarters.


After a couple of weeks of being stuck in the hospital wing, Remus was finally released. He had spent his time in bed reading, planning his lessons and grading papers. Severus was constantly visiting him and bringing him anything he needed. Flitwick, McGonagall and Severus all took turns covering Remus' classes. He was grateful for their help, for this was the longest he'd ever spent at the hospital wing after a full moon change. Madame Pomfrey said it was due to his age and stress. Severus told him he felt responsible for the severe injury, thinking it was due to their fight the night before and spent all he could in making sure Remus' classes didn't fall behind. Remus also refused to let his students and even Harry visit him. He missed his cub, but he didn't want the teens to see him like that with his leg all bandaged up, especially that he did it to himself. They would certainly think him as a dark creature.

It was Friday, just after lunch. Students were back in their lessons, leaving Remus in peace to limp heavily with his cane through the empty corridors. He passed the closed doors of the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom to get to the door of his quarters. He could hear Severus' voice along with his students. As quietly as he could so they wouldn't hear him, he entered his quarters, immediately opening up the curtains, letting in light and starting a fire to warm up the cold rooms. He then sat down on the sofa, lifting up his leg to rest on the coffee table. It was now completely healed, leaving fresh scars and a throbbing pain when he over used it. A pain that will soon go away with time according to Madam Pomfrey, who treated his wound to her very best by applying potion after potion to grow back the muscles he'd lost. Remus closed his eyes, concentrating on the voices in the classroom several walls down. With his strong werewolf hearing he could still hear Severus lecturing the students. The fire flickering in his quarters made him feel warm, causing his eyes to grow heavy. He closed them, letting Severus' murmuring voice wash over him until he fell into a deep slumber.

This time he didn't dream of dark forests and haunting spirits, he dreamed of dark obsidian eyes. He dreamed of the warmth of the sun on his skin and a murmuring voice he couldn't see, until a small knock on the door startled him awake.

Remus sighed, wondering who could it be to wake him from such a peaceful nap. A blanket fell off him and he noticed a stack of student scrolls on the coffee table. Severus must've stopped by while Remus was asleep. He smiled at the thought of the Potions Master here as he then forced himself up, limped without his cane to the door and opened it. The sight of Harry standing at the doorway made him smile even more.

"It's nice to see you, Cub," Remus greeted. The boy smiled shyly at him, his jet-black hair messy from the day, his Gryffindor tie hanging loosely from his neck, and his school robes were hanging on his bag. Lessons must be over for the day.

"Hi, Remus, I just wanted to check on you. Madam Pomfrey and Severus wouldn't let me see you in the hospital wing, and today I heard you were released. It was a bad change wasn't it?"

"It gets worse with age," Remus said, not wanting to tell him it was also due to stress, his P.T.S.D, and the fight he had with Severus. "Can I have a hug?"

"Yeah of course!" Harry gave him a quick hug. "I'm so glad you're doing okay. I missed you."

"I missed you too, Cub, do you want hot cocoa?"

"Yeah!"

Remus stepped aside to let him in. Harry looked around his quarters, standing by the door. "Make yourself at home," Remus said as he picked up his cane and limped to the kitchen.

"Your place looks almost like Severus', but different colors and way more books and cooler stuff."

"Less gross looking things in jars?" Remus joked.

"Yeah, exactly! And you have actual windows, not enchanted ones," Harry laughed as he sat down on one of the armchairs. "And no Slytherin colors."

Remus chuckled as he got started on the chocolate. It was his mom's recipe and every time he drank it, it left him feeling warm and happy. It could always be relied on to soothe anxiety and stress. It could make any bad day better and he hoped it'll have the same affect for Harry. He limped back to the living area with the hot chocolates floating in front of him, guiding them onto the coffee table.

Harry picked up his cup and took a tentative sip of the hot drink. "Your hot chocolate is always amazing. How do you make this?" he asked.

"It was my mother's recipe, known to cure you of all your anxieties."

"Well it's working…how is your leg doing?"

"It's healed, just hard to walk on. I'll be back in shape before you know it."

Harry nodded, blowing at his hot chocolate and then taking another sip. Remus could see there was something troubling him.

"Is there something on your mind, Cub?"

Harry shrugged, "I just had a bad day, this chocolate helps a lot."

Remus smiled gently. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Harry sighed, "It's about my dad, not Severus, my biological dad James. Did he ever do dark magic?"

Remus wasn't prepared for this question. He did notice how the boy looked put out when he came in, that's why he offered the chocolate, hoping whatever was stressing him out, it would soothe his mind. His green eyes tore away from Remus as he asked the question, now looking down at his steaming mug.

Whatever gave him that idea? Remus thought, for he could see it had been bothering him for awhile. James Potter was the very opposite of evil and he wanted to make sure Harry understood that.

"Harry, look at me," he said gently. Harry pulled his gaze back to Remus, the stress now clear in the green depths.

"During school, James Potter may have been a bit of a toad, pig-headed, and a show-off at times," Remus smiled softly at the memory of his friend. "And yes, he bullied Severus…not everyone is perfect, even your parents. They had their flaws just like us. I just want you to understand that James as much as he acted like an arrogant toad, he made up for it by being the best friend and brother to me. I trusted him with my life and that man never had an ounce of evil in him. He never showed any interest in the dark arts, he despised them, and that is why he hated Severus who was wrapped up in them at the time."

Harry frowned, as he considered Remus' words. "It's just…well… the spell he once used on Severus, Levicorpus, wasn't that a dark spell? Hermione said that spell was used by Death Eaters."

"That spell was normally used by all of us before the Death Eaters started using it. Believe me, after James used that spell on Severus, he never used it again. Then once he got with your mother, he changed. He was no longer the stupid kid you saw in that memory, just as Sirius and I told you before. James Potter would've been proud of you if he were still here, Harry. Trust me when I say that he hadn't an ounce of evil in his soul. He was the most Gryffindor you could get."

Harry finally nodded, looking a bit relieved."I guess my mom wouldn't have chosen my dad if he were evil, huh?"

"Exactly," Remus said, relieved that he got through to the boy. "Now what had gotten you worked up over your dad using dark magic?"

"Oh uh … it's nothing," Harry said, shrugging his shoulders.

Remus could tell the boy was holding back, but decided not to push him. He had learned his lesson on that during the summer, when he and Harry had to get reacquainted. He had pushed Harry to talk to him about his self-harm and it resulted in Harry shouting and locking himself in his room until Severus returned.

"Since we're on the subject of dark magic, I have a theory on Draco disappearing on the map. Do you want to hear it?" Harry asked.

Remus listened as Harry told him about Draco's trunk getting searched for dark objects. How he might be using one to leave the castle grounds, explaining the strange disappearances on the map. Remus gave Harry his input about it, finding some flaws in the theory, for instance the castle was heavily warded and there was no way Draco could sneak something in, plus all the tunnels were blocked off.

"I'm sorry, Cub, your theory sounds promising, it really does, but we can't ignore the flaws in it. Remember, we just need to trust in Severus. I think it would help him to share your theory so he can keep a lookout just in case."

Harry looking a bit put off by the end of his theory, only nodded, not saying anymore on the subject. Remus watched him glance around the room until his eyes suddenly landed on Sirius' old guitar sitting on the windowsill ledge.

"Can you teach me more of playing Sirius' guitar?"

"You really like that thing do you? Accio, guitar!" The guitar zoomed its way towards Remus who reached up and caught it.

"Yeah, it's really cool that he was into music. I didn't know that about him, I wished he'd told me."

"There was a lot of things he wanted to tell you, but didn't get the chance too," Remus said, as he tuned the guitar. He didn't miss the way Harry's eyes grew dark at his words. Remus began to play softly, hoping this song would cheer him up. He didn't mean to remind him of the time Sirius and Harry had lost.

"Yes, I'm being followed by a moonshadow

Moonshadow, moonshadow

Leaping and hopping on a moonshadow

Moonshadow, moonshadow

And if I ever lose my hands

Lose my plow, lose my land

Oh, if I ever lose my hands

Oh, if, I won't have to work no more

And if I ever lose my eyes

If my colours all run dry

Yes, if I ever lose my eyes

Oh, if, I won't have to cry no more

Yes, I'm being followed by a moonshadow

Moonshadow, moonshadow

Leaping and hopping on a moonshadow

Moonshadow, moonshadow"

And the memory of Sirius' blue-grey eyes, full of laughter and love, was all he could see as Remus remembered his voice singing the exact song to him so long ago in the hospital wing. When everything seemed easier than and they had each other.

Did it take long to find me?

I ask the faithful light

Oh, did it take long to find me?

And, are you gonna stay the night?

I'm being followed by a moonshadow

Moonshadow, moonshadow

Leaping and hopping on a moonshadow

Moonshadow, moonshadow

The memory made him hurt too much to keep playing. He stopped, remembering Sirius' voice was like a stake through the heart. He took a deep breath and looked up at Harry, and the way Harry was looking at him, he knew his cub understood.

"This was the song he used to teach me to play. Sirius used to sing it to me around the time of my changes. Especially when I was stuck in the hospital wing for days. He said it was about finding peace in your darkest moments. My darkest moment was changing and the wounds I suffered from, he always found a way to remind me I had him and our friends. I just want you to think of that song when you're missing Sirius. He would want you to be happy, cub. You have me and Severus, just think of how much we love you." Remus then handed him the guitar. "Come on, show me the chords I taught you last time."

And that was how they spent the rest of the day, playing the guitar and drinking too much hot chocolate. Harry finally opened up to Remus, becoming more talkative about his day. Remus did his best to give Harry advice on what he needed to do about his fighting friends and where he went wrong with Ginny.

"I'm sorry, Harry, I was never good with girls… I think you should just tell her how you feel."

Harry was laying on the windowsill ledge with his third cup of hot chocolate. "I don't know… girls are so complicated. Remus, can I ask you something?"

"Yes of course."

"Do you remember that night? When Severus got called by Voldemort and I went off at you because you were pushing me to talk about my cutting?"

"Yeah and I apologize, Harry, it was wrong of me to push you when you clearly didn't want to talk."

"No it's okay, I…I was upset. You just wanted me to talk to you and I couldn't. I'm just bringing this up because at the time, I was afraid you'll see me as a freak, just like how the Dursleys did. That's why I got angry."

"Cub, you are not a freak!" Remus stated, anger rising in him at the thought of those muggles. One day he would know exactly what happened to Harry during their care. One day Harry would trust him enough to tell him.

"It's okay, Remus, I don't believe it as much anymore as I used to, thanks to Severus, but sometimes it still pops up. Like for this, I think I sabotaged myself with Ginny because deep down, I was afraid she'll see me as the freak the Dursleys saw me as."

"I don't think she'll ever see you as a freak. I certainly don't and neither do Ron and Hermione, they've stuck by you for so long, Harry. That has to mean something to you."

"I know, I know…" Harry said softly, running his hand through his messy hair, blushing at Remus' next words.

"Harry, you are not a freak, please believe me, okay? I wish you could see yourself as how I see you, a strong and kind-hearted kid."

Remus still stuck on the sofa with his leg propped up, wished he could make Harry see that.

Me and you are so alike... Remus thought thinking of his own insecurities of seeing himself as a monster, just as Harry saw himself as a freak.

"I think I should get going," Harry suddenly said, getting up and stretching before collecting his robes. "I told Ron I'll see him at dinner. Are you coming, Remus?"

"No, I'll stay here," Remus slowly got up and limped over to Harry.

"Thanks for opening up to me, kid, I missed you, you know that?"

"I did too, Remus, I missed talking to you. It was just hard for awhile…I'm sorry for telling you I don't trust you. I'm trying…"

"I know, I understand, and please believe me that you're not a freak. Ginny will never see that of you, so just tell her how you feel, don't let the Dursleys get to you."

Harry only nodded as he lifted his bag to his shoulder. He then smiled, "should we talk about what's going on with you and Severus next time we hang out?"

Remus taken aback by those words, shook his head, "Harry, there is nothing going on."

"Okay," Harry said, his voice teasing.

"Go on, get out of here," Remus said in exasperation.

Harry only laughed as he then walked down the corridor, on his way to the Great Hall.


The Three Broomsticks was crowded with shoppers and students on a cold Saturday morning. Remus was waiting for Tonks just outside the pub, leaning on his cane. Madame Pomfrey would throw a fit if she saw him out here so soon and he hoped he didn't run into her. Remus was tired of being cooped up in the castle. He also missed hanging out with Tonks. He hadn't seen her in weeks, since before the last full moon. Today, he and Tonks had planned to meet for a warm drink at the pub, since Remus couldn't really walk around the village due to his injured leg.

"Blimey, it's only October and already it's snowing, we are in for a hell of a winter," Tonks said, surprising Remus. He hadn't noticed her coming up to him among the crowd.

Remus smiled, "it's nice to see you again, Tonks, let's get inside and warm up."

"Yes, please! I can't feel my face!" She laughed as they stepped inside the warm pub. Tonks was right, the day was cold, colder than it usually was in October. Winter had started early. Remus could feel his face and hands defrosting. He didn't have any gloves on, only his old robes and Gryffindor scarf that was older than his students.

Tonks shook the snow off her shoulders and then reached up and brushed the snow out of Remus' hair, she laughed as he shook his head, splattering snow everywhere. She was dressed today in a warm muggle coat. Her mousy-brown hair was done in two short braids. Her eyes were a bright sky-blue color, matching the beanie she was wearing.

"I'll get us some drinks, you can find a table," Tonks decided. "You need to get off that leg, I feel bad making you come down all this way."

"I needed the exercise," Remus shrugged. "Just don't tell Poppy I was here. She'll come down herself and drag me back to the hospital wing if she knew."

"Yikes, I've spent a lot of my time there as well due to my clumsiness. Don't worry your secret is safe with me," she laughed, then turned towards the bar. "Morning, Rosmerta, a hot cider and a hot chocolate would be lovely, both spiked with whiskey, of course!"

Remus limped his way to one of the last empty booths, leaning his cane against the wall. He hoped the whiskey would help numb the aching pain from the walk down here. It was foolish of him to attempt this journey so soon after being released from the hospital wing, but he needed air. He also wasn't going to deny Tonks' invitation, they were becoming closer every time they hung out. It was just something about her that sparked something inside Remus. He felt young around her, they never ran out of things to talk about and she was always making him laugh. He felt carefree around her and she was cute. Remus had never really showed much interest in women. His dating history was only Marlene McKinnon for a week of hand holding in third year and then Sirius. He didn't even want to think about what was going on with him and Severus. Tonks was just easy to be with. He didn't know if he liked her, but for now, he was just enjoying her friendship.

Tonks soon joined him with their drinks. "Bottoms up," she smiled, sitting across from him.

They clinked their glasses together. "Cheers," Remus said, before drinking the spiked chocolate, it warmed him instantly.

"Extra strong, in courtesy of Rosmerta," Tonks cheered.

Their conversation soon turned to Tonks' job as an auror and what she'd been up too with Mad-Eye lately, then to their school days at Hogwarts, Remus' adventures in the werewolf colonies, to his teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts. Now they were talking about music, along with starting a second round of drinks.

"So you were in the Hogwarts choir?" Remus asked. "I once thought about joining, but I had too much going on with my furry problem. I learned to sing from Sirius, I have his guitar."

"His guitar? I think I remember it… my mum was the one who gave it to him. I helped pick it out. He was the only one of my mum's family that I was able to see."

"Sirius and Andromeda were the only ones who were normal in that family."

"Now, I wouldn't call my cousin normal!" Tonks laughed.

"Yeah, you're right, Sirius was a nutcase," Remus laughed.

"I've never heard him play," Tonks sighed, sipping her cider.

"That was because of Azkaban. I don't think he even knew how to play anymore once he returned. His passion for so many things were gone. He was a different person before he died," Remus said, finishing the last of his chocolate. The buzz of the alcohol was making him feel light and warm, more willing to talk.

"I would've loved to hear him play."

"Yeah…his voice was beautiful," Remus said wistfully.

Tonks suddenly looked at her watch. "Bloody hell, it's already almost noon! I promised Mad-Eye I'll stop by the office. I'm sorry, Remus. This was fun, we need to hang out again."

"Yes, of course!" Remus agreed.

"How about next time we have a go on that guitar? If you don't mind, that is? I'll like to show off my voice, and I'm curious on what you can do."

"That sounds perfect," Remus said. "I should also be getting back to the castle. I'll walk out with you." Remus picked up his cane and carefully stood up, limping after Tonks and saying goodbye to Madame Rosmerta, before stepping into the freezing air outside.

"Harry!"

Remus and Tonks, startled at the sudden scream, glanced at each other, then looked towards the direction of Hermione's voice. Just a few steps away, he could see Harry pinning Mundungus Fletcher against the wall with a hand around his neck and his wand pointing at him, ready to attack. His face full of anger.

"You took that from Sirius' house!" Harry shouted. "That had the Black family crest on it!"

"Harry!" Remus shouted, trying to get to the angry teen. A large crowd of shoppers had decided to enter the pub, cutting him and Tonks off from Harry and his friends. He could barely see Mundungus' blue face between the crowds of passing people.

"Harry, you mustn't!" Hermione shrieked.

A loud bang suddenly sounded, shaking the ground and causing people to scream and move aside, finally allowing Remus and Tonks to get through. A loud crack followed, alerting Mundungus' departure.

"Come back you thieving….!" Harry shouted, as Remus limped towards him as fast as he could, hearing the colorful choice of swear words out of the boy's mouth. Remus was sure he picked up some of those from Severus.

"Harry!" Tonks had gotten to him and his friends first. "There's no point in yelling in the middle of the street. He has to be in London by now."

"Harry!" Remus finally reached him, grabbing him by his upper arm and pulling him away from the others. "Why are you attacking Mundungus?!" he shouted.

"He was nicking Sirius' stuff, Remus, nicking it! That's my stuff! And it's your's! He's stealing from us!"

"Harry, you need to calm down. Tonks is right, Mundungus is long gone. Besides, you know Sirius didn't care for that stuff and neither do you, don't get upset over it."

"But we have to do something! He can't get away with this!"

"I know, I'll inform Dumbledore about this, that way he can place wards against Mundungus from entering the house again."

"Okay good! But doesn't this bother you, Remus? That was Sirius' stuff! He had no right!"

"Believe me, it bothers me too, but it's just stuff. You've told Severus before that you didn't want any of it."

Harry huffed out in frustration, "yeah, but still!"

"Come on, cub, reign in that temper of your's," Remus said gently, his hand still holding on to Harry's upper arm. "Just let that stuff go. I'm going back to Hogwarts. Do you want to walk back with me? Or do you want to stay with your friends?" He wondered if this was going to trigger Harry to cut. Remus couldn't blame him for being upset. He had half a mind right now to track Mundungus down and curse him for his thievery, for it did bother him, just not as much as it was bothering Harry. Sirius really didn't care for that stuff, plus Remus had to stay in control for his cub.

Harry took a deep breath. Remus looked earnestly back at him in concern. Hoping he was going to be okay. He didn't want to leave him if he was too triggered.

"I think I'll be okay, I want to stay with my friends," the teen finally said as he ran his hand through his messy black hair.

"Are you sure? Just please find me or your dad, if anything, do you promise?" Remus said, squeezing his arm and making direct eye contact.

"I promise I'll be okay," Harry muttered, his bright green eyes meeting Remus' own, full of sincerity at the words.

"Alright, go on then." Remus let go of his arm and watched as Harry walked back towards Tonks and his friends, exchanging a few words with her, before the teens went inside the pub.

Tonks was now by Remus' side as they walked down the street.

"Wow that was intense," she said.

"He's just upset. He's had a hard time dealing with Sirius' death and then seeing Mundungus stealing his godfather's stuff was a bit triggering."

"I don't blame him, I would've been pissed as well. What about you, Remus? Are you okay?"

Remus shrugged. "Sirius hated that place and everything in it. I already have the guitar, the only thing worth saving."

"I'm glad it's safe with you," Tonks said, smiling softy at him. "I should really get going. We'll jam out on that guitar next time we see each other, yeah?"

Remus nodded as they hugged each other, then with a crack she was gone, leaving Remus alone to limp slowly back to Hogwarts in the falling snow.

Remus was halfway to the castle when a voice suddenly shouted his name.

"Lupin!"

He turned around to see a hooded figure catching up to him, white snow flakes contrasted against the dark fabric. It was Severus. Remus felt his heart speed up at the sight of the Potions Master in the snow, wearing dark winter robes, gloves and a Slytherin scarf.

"You know Poppy will have kittens if she see's you out here. How is your leg handling this hike?"

"It's numb from the cold," Remus said sheepishly, his teeth chattering a bit.

Severus looked at his cold hand holding on to the cain, the other in his pockets. "Your hand is red, here take my gloves."

Before Remus could refuse, Severus took off his gloves and handed them to him.

"Thank you," Remus blushed, putting them on, his fingers suddenly defrosting in the warmth of the soft gloves. "There's a heating charm on them?"

Severus nodded. "Come on, wolf, it's bloody freezing out here. We'll have a cup of tea and I can give you something for the pain in my quarters."

"That would be nice, Severus."

Severus suddenly reached up and brushed the snow out of Remus' hair, smiling shyly. Remus met his eyes, his stomach doing summersaults. They were standing so close, he could see the pinkness of Severus' cheeks from the icy air. The fog of their breaths intermingling together. Remus' heart was threatening to beat out of his chest as he forced himself to pull away, walking ahead of Severus.

He tried to ignore his internal reaction of being so close to this man walking besides him. He tried to ignore the very fact that he didn't have the same reaction this morning when Tonks did the same thing, brushing the snow off of him as they entered the pub. He really liked Tonks, he had fun with her today. She was cute, funny and good company. Any wizard or witch would be lucky to be with her and Remus just didn't feel it.

He didn't get lost in her eyes, his heart didn't go haywire at the sound of her voice, his legs didn't want to give out at the sight of her, but he felt all of that with Severus, and he was afraid. Afraid this could be the start of something big, deep and true just like what he had with Sirius. And what if he gave himself and Severus a chance? What if he just said fuck it and let himself be happy for once? And what if he did just that and ended up hurt and alone? Just like how it ended with Sirius. He just couldn't do it… he wasn't brave enough. He couldn't deal with heart break just now, not on top of everything else.

Remus broke out of his thoughts and glanced at Severus who was walking besides him, snow was falling lightly, landing on the hood of his cloak that covered his long dark hair and green Slytherin scarf. Remus quickly thought of something to say, only to break the sudden heavy silence.

"I just ran into Harry as I was leaving the pub."

Remus then explained Harry's confrontation with Mundungus. "You're going to have to talk to him. I hope I was right in leaving him with his friends, I just didn't want to embarrass him in the middle of the village."

"No, you were right, Remus," Severus said in his deep voice. "Harry is in good hands with his friends. I'll make sure to talk to him once he returns, just to check up on him, for it may still trigger him later. Blasted Mundungus!"

"That was a colorful mouth he had, I wonder who he learned it from?" Remus laughed.

"Who Mundungus?" Severus asked, turning his head slightly to look at Remus.

"No, your son," Remus smiled mischievously.

"Are you insinuating he learned that language from me?" Severus asked, sounding insulted.

Remus couldn't help but laugh, shrugging his shoulders. "You said it, not me."

Severus only rolled his eyes, causing Remus to laugh even more as he walked on ahead. A snowball suddenly hit him in the back.

"Hey!" Remus laughed, bending down slowly to pick up some snow to retaliate. He threw his snowball at Severus, but since he was still feeling the effects of his whiskey-spiked drinks, he missed and began to slip on the icy path.

Severus caught him just before he hit the ground, standing him upright "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, it's hard walking in this snow." His heart beating fast at Severus' touch, he forced himself to ignore it, to stop thinking they could ever be more than friends. If only Severus knew the affect he had on Remus.

"You shouldn't have came out here. Just lean on me, I'll help you the rest of the way. We aren't too far now."

Severus took the cane and had Remus lean against him, pulling him close and wrapping an arm around his waist. Remus threw an arm around Severus' shoulders, leaning half his weight on him. And despite of his heart beating against his chest at being so close once again, Remus just let it happen.

Fuck it … he thought. He needed help. His leg was really hurting now, making it hard to walk.

They then journeyed on slowly up to Hogwarts to have a cup of warm tea, not knowing that soon they would be interrupted by an attack on Katie Bell.

A/N: Thank you everyone for the reviews! I still feel like this draft is kinda rough so let me know if anything needs to be fixed. Next chapter will be up sometime in March.