Chapter Nine - I Saw it All, I Felt it All
Severus was walking swiftly through the corridors to Minerva's office. He and Remus were enjoying warm bowls of soup in the Hogwarts kitchens after battling the snow from Hogsmead, when they were interrupted by a summons from Madame Pomfrey to come to the hospital wing as soon as possible. Hagrid was on his way with Katie Bell who had been cursed. Later, as Severus and Remus examined the dark magic radiating from the unconscious girl in the hospital wing, Filch arrived with a cursed necklace wrapped in Harry's scarf.
"Professor McGonagall has the Potter boy and his friends with her in her office, I bet they had something to do with it. She wants you to come by, let me know if you need the chains, I have them nice and polished in my office," Filch had said too gleefully to Severus' distaste. He had to hold back from hexing the man for talking that way about his son.
He had taken the necklace carefully, shutting the door in the man's face. What made Albus choose to hire him as the caretaker, Severus would never know. And of course Harry and his friends were caught up in this. They were always in the thick of things, meddling Gryffindors. Severus gently laid the necklace on Madame Pomfrey's desk.
"Lupin, come look at this," he said, waving his wand over it. The dark magic radiating from it was making him sick. Remus seemed to have felt the same, for his face grew a little pale as he studied it alongside Severus. After awhile they finally discovered what counter curse could be used to keep the curse from spreading in Bell. Once they were about done, Severus left it to Remus to finish so he could attend to his son who was still stuck in Minerva's office.
Severus arrived to the office swift and silent, as Minerva was by the portrait door telling the teens off.
"There is no way it could've been Draco Malfoy. He was doing detention with me this afternoon, catching up on all the assignments he has missed. Thank you for telling me your suspicions, Potter, now if you excuse me," she turned around, noticing Severus by the door. "Your father is here. You can discuss this with him. I need to check on Katie Bell."
Minerva nodded to him. They both stepped out into the hallway. Now that she was out of sight from the teens, she began to reveal how worried she really was of the situation. "Severus, I'm glad you're here. Did you and Remus get a chance to look at that necklace? How is Katie doing?"
"She's stable," Severus answered. "It was dark and advanced magic. Remus is just finishing up with the counter curse now. Contact me if anything changes."
"That poor girl…she is lucky to have you and Remus here," Minerva said quietly, shaking her head. She then glanced at Harry quickly. "Potter thinks the culprit was Malfoy. There's no way he's right, is he? You've said it yourself, this is advanced dark magic that we're dealing with."
Severus sighed impatiently. "Of course he thinks it's Malfoy. I'll talk to him. It doesn't hurt to explore this theory even if it is far-fetched. Thank you for holding him here."
Minerva nodded and not waiting another second left for the hospital wing. Severus watched the witch hurry down the corridor before entering the office. He found his son pacing, his two friends sitting down in the student chairs in front of Minerva's desk. They were all looking flushed from the cold and frustrated with each other as they talked about the possibilities of it being Draco. Granger and Weasley grew quiet once they saw Severus.
"Can you two wait outside, please," Severus said as politely as he could, only for Harry.
They both nodded, casting weary glances at Harry before standing up, closing the door softly behind them. Severus looked at Harry who finally stopped pacing.
"Sev…!" Harry blurted out. "I … you have to believe me."
"Hold up," Severus replied, his voice full of authority, giving Harry a hint to stop and listen. "First of all, I want to know if you're okay?"
Harry shrugged, muttering, "yeah, I'm fine."
"Okay. Tell me what happened with Bell, then we'll get to your Draco theory."
Severus listened to Harry as he began to explain how he and his friends were walking back to Hogwarts from The Three Broomsticks. Katie and Leanne were in front of them arguing about the necklace when suddenly Katie rose into the air with her arms stretched out and her face expressionless. Before they were able to pull her down, she started screaming as if she were in pain. Luckily, Harry was able to find Hagrid to help them, who rushed Katie back to the hospital wing. Harry found the necklace in the snow, wrapped it up in his scarf and gave it to Professor McGonagall once they met her at the steps of the castle.
"Harry, what you did was right. You got help as soon as you could. You had the sense to not touch the necklace and bring it to us…."
"Is Katie okay?" Harry asked, not letting Severus finish.
"Remus and I stabilized her. Madame Pomfrey and Professor McGonagall are looking after her now."
Harry met Severus' gaze in earnest. "Sev, I think it was Draco. He has to be behind this. You told me he was given a task from Voldemort!"
"Professor McGonagall told you he was here the whole time doing detention," Severus answered.
Harry started pacing again. "Well, that's the perfect alibi, isn't it? Someone has to be working with him. Possibly a girl since Leanne said Katie went to the girl's bathroom and came back out with the necklace."
"Harry, I am listening to you. Your theory does have potential, but even if you're right, task or no task, you don't have proof," Severus said, still standing by the portrait door, watching his son fuming over Draco. He really hoped the teen would've dropped this by now. Unfortunately it looked like Bell's incident had brought up all of Harry's suspicions of Draco bearing the dark mark back from beneath the surface. He really wished Harry could just let it be, mind his own business, focus on school but this was Harry, famous for his hero complex. He was a Gryffindor through and through, just like his parents. Severus was a fool to think Harry would drop this.
"Yeah, I know, McGonagall told me the same thing but I know he's up to something!" Harry argued back. "Do you remember when we went to Diagon Ally before I got taken by Greyback? Ron, Hermione and I followed Draco to Borgin and Burkes. It seemed like he was trying to get something fixed! It has to be the necklace he was talking about! Maybe his task is to bring a dark object in? Or maybe to hurt someone by using dark objects? My friends and I were thinking Slughorn or Dumbledore. Slughorn knows a lot of the bad crowd, maybe Voldemort is out to get him…."
"Okay, son, that's enough."
His voice was low, commanding authority once more. He needed the boy to calm down, the pacing was triggering a headache.
"Dad!" Harry shouted in frustration at Severus' tone. "I feel like this is right! Don't you believe me?"
Severus kept a steady gaze at the teen who had finally stopped pacing. His hands balled into tight fists. Severus stepped closer to him so the boy was looking up at him with green eyes full of hurt and frustration to be heard. Severus suddenly grabbed his hands, ignoring the flinch as he made him unclenched his fists, revealing crescent-shaped marks on his palms. "You're hurting yourself. I need you to calm down now," Severus said. "Sit, please."
Sitting down in one of the student chairs, Harry blinked in shock at his palms, as if he just realized what he was doing. He then sighed, running his hand though his messy black hair. Severus knew it was a nervous tic of his.
"I do believe you are on to something. Like I've said, your theory doesn't sound completely impossible, however, you have to realize there are a lot of flaws. It could've been anyone who gave the necklace to Bell. Dumbledore has a lot of enemies and so does Slughorn. That necklace still could've been for anyone either than them. Now I am planning on speaking to Draco about this, I'm not going to ignore this possibility. Just please leave it to me. I don't want you getting in to any fights with him. I need you to trust me on this."
Harry was sitting with his arms crossed, eyes on his lap. His body stiffened at the words: trust me on this.
Severus sighed and knelt down in front of him. He realized he was going to have to be at eye level to make Harry see, to make him understand the importance of his trust. He lifted his hand gently, so that Harry could see Severus' intentions so he wouldn't flinch in fear again. He placed his hands over Harry's own. "Harry, please, I know what I'm asking. I know it's hard for you. I know you're trying. I want you to understand that I'm not going to let Draco fall into dark magic. Trust me."
Harry stared at Severus, his eyes dark with grief for his friend. "Severus, I want too." A tear fell down his cheek and Severus wiped it away with a calloused thumb.
"I know you do, kid, just please try for me. Leave this to me. Trust me," he softly said.
Harry nodded slowly. His green eyes were bright as he suddenly threw himself forward, hugging Severus tight.
"Everyone thinks I'm crazy about this but I know I'm right. They've made Draco into a Death Eater. I know he doesn't want that, he doesn't want to do this task. I'm scared for him, dad."
Severus held his son tighter at those words to show that he was here and listening. It was so rare for Harry to call him dad, to express any sort of affection due to his past abuse. The boy was always afraid of taking initiative and so Severus always appreciated these rare moments. He just wished Harry could trust him enough to protect Draco.
Suddenly the dark thoughts that were always on the edge of his mind broke through his wall of protection. Thoughts of Harry starting to trust him, the journey it took him to get there, all of that would soon be shattered because of Albus and his plans. Severus closed his eyes tight, his heart beating in pain at the thought. Harry finally let go of him. And Severus mentally chased away those thoughts and emotions, making sure his face was passive, hoping Harry wouldn't see the pain in his eyes.
He held Harry at arm's length, searching his face for any sign of emotional stress that may resort to cutting. "Are you truly okay, son? Remus told me what happened with Mundungus earlier today. He said you were very upset and attacked him in the middle of the street. Harry, you need to control that temper of your's. Besides, you've told me yourself you didn't want that stuff."
"I'm okay," Harry answered, his voice a bit choked up. "And yeah, that was Sirius' stuff! He left it to me and Remus. Mundungus had no right!"
"You shouldn't have attacked him in the middle of the street," Severus reprimand as he let the boy go. He pulled himself up to sit on the other chair besides Harry.
Harry shrugged and muttered, "he deserved it, bloody git."
"Watch your language. Mundungus isn't worth the stress. Remus said the only thing worth keeping was the guitar and it's safe with him. Dumbledore will know about it."
"McGonagall said he's not back until Monday. Where is he going?"
"It's Professor McGonagall," Severus berated.
Harry scowled in frustration but didn't say anything.
"Listen!" Severus snapped. "The headmaster is a busy man. He is taking care of business for the Order, you know I cannot tell you."
"Fine….," Harry scowled again. "I'm just tired of all these secrets. You talk a big game of me needing to trust you and Professor Dumbledore, yet you don't trust me enough to handle knowing the truth. I'm the one Voldemort wants, I have every right!"
"I know, Harry, I know you do," Severus said softly. "Believe me, I wish I can tell you, but it's his decision."
Harry sighed, "I just want to be more useful to the war. Instead, I'm just stuck here in school."
"There's one way you could help out."
"And what is that?"
"Restart the D.A. club."
"I don't know, Sev, with Quidditch and everything else…" Harry shook his head.
"This time Remus will be here to facilitate the club, so it won't all be on you and Granger. You won't be alone this time, Harry. Just think how much this could help you and your peers, by preparing them to fight. One day you and all of them may be forced to join the war, you'll want them to be prepared. Starting this club is as good as saving their lives, just think how much they were improving last year."
"Yeah, you're right," Harry said as he thought about Severus' reasons. "Okay, fine, I'll start it again as long as Remus helps me."
Severus smiled softly at him. "You know I don't bring up your actual dad James much, he and Black would've been proud of you."
It was the next day, Katie Bell was stabilized. Severus and Remus had managed to stop the curse from spreading. She was quickly sent to St. Mungo's for further treatment. Severus left a letter on Albus' desk explaining the events of Katie Bell, Harry's suspicions on Draco, Mundungus raiding Grimmauld Place and Harry reinstating the D.A. club, for him to find once he returned. Severus was just coming back from the headmaster's office when he ran into Remus walking back and forth in front of the Room of Requirement, still limping heavily from overworking his leg yesterday.
"What are you up too, wolf?" Severus asked, pausing in his fast stride to watch Remus pace.
"Since I'm the facilitator of Harry's club, I'm finding a place to practice. It would be nice to see if I can get the same room as last year." He paused in his pacing staring up at the wall. "The door isn't opening."
Suddenly Remus bumped into a young, first year girl that either of them had yet to notice up until that moment, causing Remus to almost topple over. Severus was luckily near by to hold him steady by the shoulder.
"Watch it!" Severus snapped, causing the young girl to drop a set of scales she was carrying and run off.
"Severus, don't be so nasty! Hey, you dropped your scales!" Remus called after the girl but she was gone as fast as she had appeared.
"That was strange…," Severus said, eyeing the hall the girl ran down. "How did we not notice her?"
"Never mind that," Remus said, putting his hand on the wall. "Shouldn't the room have appeared by now?"
Severus tore his gaze away from the empty corridor.
"Here let me try."
Remus stepped aside as Severus walked back and forth, thinking: I need a room for a large group of students to practice dueling. He did it several times, thinking different ways he needed the room for and nothing. He even tried thinking he needed the loo, and still it didn't appear.
"That's strange, maybe someone is inside?" Severus said, giving up after a few failed attempts. "Little girls randomly appearing and a room that isn't working as it should?" He turned to Remus, who was leaning on his cane, staring quizzically at Severus.
"Lets get out of here, Lupin, we can set up a dueling space in one of the empty classrooms in the Defense corridor. We don't need the Room of Requirement. Harry doesn't have to keep the club a secret no longer."
They found an empty classroom in the Defense corridor. It was perfect since it was close to Remus' classroom, office, and quarters; so that he was always nearby to check on the students and help Harry if he needed anything.
They spent the whole day cleaning out the furniture, creating a big open space and replacing them with soft blue matts and various types of beanbags. Remus stocked the shelves with his favorite books on defensive spells and dueling. They had even found a boggart that put up quite a fight. They've managed to transport it into a cupboard in the DADA classroom so Remus could use it for his third years, after he promised Severus several times he wouldn't use it to make fun of him like the last time.
"Not too shabby," Remus said, looking around the finished room. They were sitting on the matts, exhausted.
"Are you sure this added responsibility won't be too much?"
"No, it's a good distraction. I'll be able to spend more time with Harry," Remus answered. "Did I tell you he stopped by my quarters on Friday? He opened up to me, Severus, not completely but he did. You know he's changed since the summer. He's a bit more open, not so closed up and quiet. He even asked me about girls," Remus laughed.
Severus sitting cross-legged besides him, snapped his head to look at the werewolf. "What did you say to him?"
"Not much," Remus shrugged, he laid down flat on his back, crossing his arms under his head as a cushion. His grey and golden hair splayed out on the blue mats. "I couldn't help him. My experiences of dating girls is laughable and I don't think I should count Marlene McKinnon. I was only ever with Sirius."
"More than me I suppose…" Severus cleared his throat, suddenly embarrassed.
Remus raised his head slightly at the subtle confession, looking at Severus with his wide, hazel eyes. "You've never been with anyone?"
"Well, you know I had a big crush on Lily and I was caught up with the dark arts. Then I became Albus' Death Eater spy. That's not exactly boyfriend material to anyone," Severus defended, his cheeks turning red.
"That's understandable, Severus, but at school, besides Lily, you had no other crushes?"
Severus rolled his eyes. "Don't laugh. I might've had a crush on Narcissa for a while."
Remus smiled, "every Slytherin did."
"Yeah…well, she never noticed me."
"What about boys?" Remus had now propped himself up by the elbows. He blushed at his bold question, pulling his gaze away. "Forgive me for asking. You don't have to answer."
"No, it's okay, wolf. I don't know. I've never thought much about being interested in boys. You're the first boy I've ever kissed. I don't know if that means I'm only into boys or I'm still interested in girls."
Severus could feel his face blushing immensely at his confessions. He didn't even know why he was revealing so much, as if someone had slipped a truth potion into his morning tea. Gazing at the earnest and warm gaze of Remus Lupin, eyes hazel and green like a wooded forest in summer time, Severus realized it wasn't a truth potion that was making him spill his guts out.
It was Remus.
Only Remus could make him talk like this. Make him admit things about himself that he hadn't given much thought yet, things like his own sexuality. For some reason it was barely just hitting him that kissing Remus twice in the past, that being interested in this man besides him, craving his company, his scent, touch, and voice might mean that Severus might indeed be into men.
Or maybe only him….
Severus then realized he hadn't said anything else in awhile and only shrugged to let Remus know he was done.
Remus gave him a sympathetic smile, "you don't have to figure it out all in one day."
"Have you always been into men?"
Remus nodded. "It took awhile for me to realize it. I went through a whole identity crises back in school, made a lot of sense why Marlene and I didn't work."
"You were rather popular with the girls," Severus said, remembering Lily, Marlene and their friends aways being around Remus, the only Marauder they had invited into their friend circle. "I've always wondered why you never went out with them. When you and Black started going out, it made sense."
"That I'm a gay werewolf?" Remus gave him a mischievous and wolfish grin.
Severus shoved him gently and laughed. "You said it, not me!"
Remus shoved him back gently, joining in Severus' laughter. Once their laughter subsided, Remus sat up.
"How did you even know Sirius and I were dating back in school? We've kept it hidden, you know how strict it was back in those days for the queer."
"I realized it while I was …" Severus shrugged in embarrassment. He didn't want to mention the obsession he once had in finding out Remus Lupin was a werewolf. How he would always watch him, for any sign of proof. "It was just the way you two looked at each other, the way you spoke, like no one else was in the room."
"Things were easier than," Remus scoffed. "We were young. Come on let's go sit in my quarters."
Severus stood up and helped Remus by offering an arm for him to grab onto, pulling him up and handing him his cane. Severus couldn't help but notice how cute and carefree Remus seemed right now, wishing he was like this all the time. He was enjoying the easy banter between them. The urge to pull him close and kiss him suddenly took over as he watched Remus pat the dust from his robes. His hazel-green eyes still bright with mischief as he looked up at Severus. Their eyes connected briefly before Severus quickly looked away.
He lead the way out of the room with Remus limping behind him. He somehow felt like he was missing his chance to tell Remus that he did have another crush besides Lily and Narcissa. It was a fleeting moment. If Remus felt the same way, Severus had no clue. He wasn't ready to find that out yet, for Remus never talked about the two kisses they've shared. Leading Severus to believe that he might not feel the same way. So he cowardly let the moment pass, deciding he would rather keep him close as friend than nothing at all.
Once they were in the living room of Remus' quarters, Remus sat down besides him on the sofa with a sigh of relief, resting his leg on the coffee table.
"You need to stay off that leg."
"I'm too busy to rest," he said, closing his eyes.
"The pain won't go away."
"I'm used to pain."
Severus shook his head at the stubborn werewolf. Their knees were almost touching. He thought about moving his knee away. He couldn't when the warmth of the werewolf besides him was making his heart beat fast against his chest. And they were close enough that Severus could inhale Remus' scent. It was a hundred times better than Amortentia.
A silence had suddenly settled between them. Severus glanced at Remus who was staring into the fireplace. The flames were crackling steadily in the quiet room, spreading its warmth over them, chasing away the cold they felt from the drafty halls. Remus' hazel-green eyes were faraway as he stared at the dancing orange and yellow flames, eyes clouded with pain and a deep sadness. Severus wondered what he was thinking about, what he was remembering. He realized how thin Remus had grown, how the bags under his eyes were deep and dark, his hair had grown more grayer, giving him a more raggedy appearance than ever before. And he knew it was due to the depression Remus was lost in.
Severus gently picked up Remus' hand, his fingers going over the shiny and smooth scar around his wrist.
Remus tore his eyes away from the flames and down at Severus' hand around his own. "Silver chains. They burned like hell," Remus said softly, his eyes suddenly becoming dark and his face growing pale with the painful memory. "I can still remember the smell of my burning flesh."
"I'm sorry you had to go through that," Severus said softly. "Where did you go just now?"
Remus sighed, pulling his hand away from Severus. "I was thinking about a recent dream I've had. It was different from the usual nightmares."
Severus turned himself towards Remus, so that he could fully see him sitting next to him. His green eyes were now flecked with gold, lost in the crackling fire once again. Severus could see him plummeting into his depression. It was like a darkness in him that dimmed the light in his eyes, taking away the marauder's mischievous and intelligent personality, leaving just this shell of his former self. Remus was lost in his own darkness, with not even the light of the fire in front of them to light his way out. It hurt Severus to see him like this, so lost and in pain. The dark circles under his eyes were evidence of his sleepless nights.
"I'm here to listen, Remus, you can tell me about your nightmares," Severus said in a voice he hoped sounded encouraging.
Remus didn't say anything, eyes still fixed away from him. Severus wasn't sure if he heard him, so he gently put his hand on the wolf's face, turning him slowly to look at him.
"Just look at me, Remus, I'm right here with you."
Tired, dimmed, golden-flecked, green eyes met Severus' own searching, onyx eyes.
"I'm sorry, I just feel like I'm falling into this darkness with no one to pull me out, no one to catch me. I want to find the way out, but how can I? When I can't even see a light."
"You don't need to apologize. How could you ever be the same after what you've went through. I know you're lost, Remus, I can see you falling everyday. Just know that I'm here for you. Fall on me. I will help you. You have to let me help you."
"I don't know how."
"Start by telling me about your dream."
Severus pulled his hands away from his face, letting Remus gather his thoughts who sighed and finally began to talk.
"My nightmares are often memories of my time with Greyback. Most of the time it's me running as the wolf and the voice of Kaylie haunting me. I'm always lost in darkness. This morning it was different. This time as I ran as the wolf, I felt someone with me, it wasn't Sirius or Kaylie, someone else… and you're going to think I'm crazy, Severus."
"I'm not going to think you're crazy."
"I…. I dreamed of you."
Remus' face was bright red at his confessions. Severus felt like his heart leaped out of his chest, shocked at the words. Remus Lupin dreamed of him?
"I was running with you besides me. You were a black wolf. And you guided me to this light that led us into this grassy clearing. I wasn't in my wolf form no longer. I was sitting among the tall grass, watching the wolf play with its pack and you were besides me, talking to me. What do you think that means?"
Severus felt his stomach clench in nervousness. It was time to tell Remus how he'd brought him back out of his wolf state of mind by using Legilimency, going through memories that were personal to find him. The dream was more than just a dream, it was a memory.
"I have a confession to make."
Remus stared at him, waiting, clearly in pain and confused at what Severus was trying to say. He shouldn't have waited so long to tell him...
"After you were rescued, you were trapped in your wolf state of mind. I had to use Legilimency to pull you out, you were a danger to others and yourself. It was the only way to help you, do you understand? I didn't mean to invade your mind and see those memories. I had too. I had to find you and pull you out. That dream of us in the meadow, of me talking to you, that wasn't an ordinary dream. You're remembering me talking sense into you. You were giving up, you didn't want to come back. I had to remind you the worth of living."
"You went into my memories? You saw what they did to me, besides what I've chosen to share with you?"
Severus nodded in guilt. "It was the only way."
"So the dream, it's real, I'm not crazy?"
"You're not crazy, only remembering."
"What did you see? Why didn't you tell me this sooner?"
"I didn't want to embarrass you, I knew it was intimate to go into your mind like that, but it was the only way to help you. You weren't yourself, Remus, you were giving up and I couldn't let that happen. I saw your memories of the way your father treated you. I saw his reaction when you were accepted into Hogwarts. I saw you as the wolf running with your pack. I saw what Greyback did to you. I saw him burning that brand into you and the way you fought against him. I saw you with Kaylie and the promise you made to her. I saw you lying in that cellar after you were forced to fight the kids, after they drugged you. I saw you losing yourself. And I felt your pain. I felt the revulsion and shock you had after attacking those kids. I felt your grief. I felt the loss of not only yourself, but of the deaths of Black and Kaylie. I felt the love you had for Black, for your friends, and Harry. I felt your loneliness, the way the wolf mourns for its pack during the full moons. I saw it all, I felt it all, Remus."
Remus was shaking hard at Severus' confession. "I feel like I should be upset at your intrusion, but your intentions were good. You saved me. I thinks it's better this way. That way, you understand…" Remus suddenly stopped, unable to speak anymore. He covered his face with his hands.
Severus pulled the wolf close to him, holding him against his chest. Remus let him without any protest, shaking hard against him.
"It's okay, Remus, I see you. You don't have to say anymore."
And at those words, he felt the wolf shuddered softly, tears falling down his cheeks, letting out a gut wrenching sob. Severus could feel the pain and grief, and only held him tighter as if to show that he was bearing the pain with him.
Harry was excused from Dumbledore's office, closing the door just as Severus was arriving up the stairs. Harry didn't notice him at first. His mood was still stuck on what transpired in the meeting. He'd told Dumbledore everything about Draco. The headmaster refused to give him a proper answer, only brushed him aside in a hurry to start the lessons.
Why can't Dumbledore just tell me what's going on? What's with all the secrecy? Is he even planning on helping Draco?
Harry's stomach sank at those thoughts, it left him feeling hollow. He so much wanted to help his friend. He knew Draco didn't want to be a Death Eater, he was trapped on the wrong side of the war. Dumbledore was Harry's only hope and he brushed him aside. But why was Harry even surprised? Why did this hurt so much? It wasn't unknown for Albus Dumbledore to have secrets. Secrets that were apparently too important to trust onto Harry, yet expecting Harry to blindly trust him.
Not only was he disappointed by the result of the Draco conversation with the headmaster, but the memories that were shown to Harry, including the mysterious disappearance of the cracked ring, left a lot for him to think about. Dumbledore had done nothing but left him with more unanswered questions, more secrets, leaving Harry as frustrated and tired as ever.
"Hey, kid."
Harry flinched, just realizing Severus was there. He pulled his gaze onto him. "I didn't see you," he muttered in embarrassment. His anxiety was high, causing his hands to tremble. He didn't want Severus to see, so he shoved them into his pockets, out of sight.
Severus gave him a look, as if he could see right through him. "Did your lesson with Professor Dumbledore go well?"
Harry scowled in annoyance. Why did the professor always have to be so nosey? Why couldn't he just let him be? "It was fine."
Taken aback, Severus flashed him a warning look. "I have to speak to the headmaster." He frowned at Harry. "Wait for me here."
Harry didn't say anything, only nodded as Severus entered the office, closing the door behind him. Harry forced himself to breathe quietly, pressing his ear to the door. He couldn't hear anything. Severus of course had put up a silencing spell. He wondered what his dad and Dumbledore were talking about, he hoped it was about Draco. Of course Severus would get better answers than Harry did, and of course they weren't going to tell him anything. They wanted him to trust them blindly on this, yet they didn't trust him. Harry was tired of being left out on this, Draco was his friend. Harry was part of this war. How could Dumbledore trust him with memories of Voldemort's past but not trust him on their plans for Draco?
He suddenly felt his arm burn. Looking down, he realized he started scratching himself. He pulled his hand away from his skin, ashamed for what he was doing. Harry sighed in defeat, sitting on the steps, waiting for Severus to come out.
The door suddenly opened, Harry stood up. He could see Severus was frustrated at whatever they had talked about. He wanted to ask but knew there was no point.
"Come on," Severus said, walking past him at a fast pace down the circular stairs. Harry followed behind him.
Once they were well away from Dumbledore's office, Harry finally dared to ask, "Did you talk to Dumbledore about Draco?"
"Yes I did," Severus said shortly, offering no further information.
"Well, what did he say?"
"The headmaster knows your suspicions and is taking them into account of the investigation. That's all I'm allowed to tell you. Don't worry about Draco. We are watching over him."
But not doing anything to keep him away from Voldemort….
Harry didn't voice those words out loud. He knew if he did, it would only result in them arguing. Harry did not have the strength for another one. They've been on good terms for awhile now and didn't want to break that streak. Plus, he promised to try to trust him, he had to keep reminding himself that.
"Are we going back to your quarters?" Harry asked.
"No, Lupin and I have something to show you."
"Oh?" Harry looked at him in surprise. He wasn't expecting that.
They made their way to the Defense corridor. Severus glanced at Harry walking besides him. He had run into him in front of Albus' office looking lost in his thoughts. He didn't fail to notice the boy quickly shoving his hands into his pockets. Severus knew Harry was stressed, knew he was close to giving into his anxiety, in danger of being triggered to cut himself. Whatever that had transpired between Harry and the headmaster tonight, had left the boy filled with anxiety. Severus could see it in his eyes. The way he looked at Severus, quiet and defensive. Severus had decided not to call him out, but to distract him, making this evening a bit better by showing him the classroom for the D.A. club.
They stopped at the portrait door of Remus' quarters.
"Stay out here, I'll get Lupin."
"I don't really care for surprises."
Severus rolled his eyes, "Remus wanted to surprise you."
Harry leaned against the wall, finally pulling his hands out of his pockets, crossing his arms and not saying anything else.
"Blackbird," Severus muttered.
The portrait door opened. "Lupin?" Severus called out softly, just in case the werewolf was sleeping. It was late, yet, Remus made Severus promise to call him when Severus decided to show Harry the classroom. No matter the time of day or night.
"Remus?" Severus called again. He found the werewolf curled up in an armchair in front of the fireplace, looking warm and sleepy. A book in his hands, his eyes half closed.
"Severus?" Remus mumbled sleepily, stretching his arms, arching his back.
Severus couldn't help but stare. The messy golden hair, rumpled robes and a small smile on his lips. He suddenly just wanted to join him. To sit besides him, pull him close and nuzzle his neck, getting lost in his scent….
Realizing his thoughts were leading him astray from his purpose, Severus cleared his throat and said, "I'm showing Harry the classroom, if you want to join us?"
At those words, Remus opened his eyes fully and sat up, suddenly looking at Severus with a raised eyebrow. Severus realized he was still staring. Blushing slightly, he looked away.
"Harry and I are waiting out in the hall," he muttered and left to join his son.
Harry was still leaning against the wall, waiting, when Severus joined him. Remus followed behind, looking more alert and excited.
"Hey, Cub! Ready to see your surprise?" Remus grinned, eyes shinning mischievously.
"Why can't you guys just tell me?" Harry asked, he was still in a mood.
Severus didn't like that Harry had come out of Albus' lessons like this. Full of anxiety, moody and triggered to cut. He promised to himself to keep an eye on Harry after each lesson. He tried asking the headmaster what they were about, but of course he received no answers.
"Then it wouldn't be a surprise!" Remus chuckled, throwing an arm around Harry, who stiffened slightly, then melted against the werewolf, leaning into his touch. Severus always had to make sure Harry knew Severus was going to place a hand on him to prevent him from flinching away. He guessed only Lupin could get away with such sudden familiarity.
Severus took the lead ahead of them, letting them have their time together. The wolf's presence seemed to calm Harry down. Severus noted that his hands were no longer trembling. He stopped at the classroom door, opening it to let them in first.
"You want to restart the D.A. club," Severus said, as he watched Harry look around the room in amazement. "It doesn't have to be in secret anymore, so we set up this classroom for you. I talked to Professor Dumbledore and he made it an official school club. Lupin will be your facilitator since it's part of his subject. You and Granger can go to him for any questions."
Harry continued looking around, not saying anything yet.
"Do you like it, Cub?" Remus asked, smiling broadly at Harry's reaction. Severus kept his gaze away, trying to ignore the butterflies in his stomach that was caused by that smile.
Harry turned around, finally facing them. "It's perfect!" he said. "I can't wait to show Ron and Hermione!"
"It's just missing one more thing," Remus said, searching his pockets. He pulled out a folded photograph and passed it to Harry.
Harry took it, his eyes staring hungrily at the picture. Severus looked over him to see that it was a photo of the original Order. His gaze landed on a young Remus Lupin, not yet deeply touched by the war. His hair had more color, his eyes were bright with happiness and hope. And there was that beautiful smile as he stood besides Black, whose's arm draped around his thin frame. Lily and James were besides them. Everyone in that photo seemed hopeful, not knowing the fates that awaited them. And oh Severus wished things had turned out differently. A dark thought suddenly made itself known, shaking Severus slightly. He hid it well from Lupin and Harry, for Severus was the master of hiding his emotions.
In an alternate reality, what if Lily and James Potter survived? It was the danger he caused them to be in. It was their death, Lily's death, that made Severus see the wrong of his actions. And if they survived, then Severus would've never gone to Albus for forgiveness. If they survived, would he not been given the chance to see the wrong of his actions and repent? Was that the purpose of their death? Set up by some cruel, sick joke from the universe, that they died so Severus could change, so Harry could end up having a rotten childhood, only so they could end up here, at this very moment. Father and son. Severus shook his head of those thoughts, stepping forward, making himself look busy as he sorted some leftover books onto the shelves as Remus and Harry talked.
"Remus? I thought this was lost."
Remus shook his head. "Just know that we're all proud of you, your generation is going to achieve what we failed to do."
"You really think so?"
"I feel it in my bones."
Harry smiled, suddenly standing next to Severus as he pinned the photograph on the bulletin board above the bookcases. Severus watched the determination in his son's face, the resolution to win this war for the original Order. His fighting spirit that lay dormant for months was finally back.
And no matter how much it scared Severus to think of a world where he never changed his life, where he never sought Albus for help, for repentance, he would've gave it all up for Harry's parents to still be alive, to save him from the rotten childhood. To spare him the pain and depression. He would do anything for Harry, even sacrifice his own happiness.
And for the first time, Severus understood the reasons behind Albus' request for Severus to full-fill his promise. He never thought about how much it might hurt the old man to do this to Harry and Severus, to make himself out as heartless. To allow Severus and Harry to bond, then take it all way by making Severus do the unspeakable. Forcing him to make the ultimate betrayal that will cut through Harry, shattering everything they'd worked for. Albus knew what he was doing. He was doing it so Harry could have a fighting chance. Severus and Albus were the sacrifices to ensure Harry's success. Albus had so much faith in Harry, that he would remain strong after the fulfilled promise. That Harry will eventually forgive Severus; if he had the luck to still be alive when it was all over. And maybe Severus had to be strong like Albus. Accept the sacrifice, accept the fate it would lead them too, for it was the only way to make sure the light chased away the darkness.
A/N: Enjoy my new chapter! Next one will be up before April hopefully!
Comment Replies for Chapter 8
To everyone that commented under Guest,Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment. You guys are all so nice! Every comment gave me the encouragement to get this chapter posted.
To Jan-AQ
I'm glad you're enjoying my story! Thank you for adding it to your website. Please send me the link!
To Imaginer.012
Thank you for your friendly support and comments! You are always super nice and I appreciate you!
To XSerendipity92X
Thank you for being the first to comment as I sat and waited with my cup of coffee, being nervous if anyone liked it haha! Thanks for the detailed comment you left, those types of reviews always give more insight and ideas to help me with my writing. Also, I'm glad you caught all of that, it's exactly what I was trying to instill without the characters saying it.
