Chapter Ten - Actions Speak Louder Than Words
Huge Trigger Warning: on Depression and Self-Harm
A long howl broke the silence of the dark forest. Remus, in his wolf form, ran as fast as he could, trying to find a way out. The wolf spirit inside of him wanted to turn and fight the unseen enemy. It growled and howled to be let out, but Remus did not give in. He didn't want to be lost in the darkness. Another howl sounded through the trees. A howl that filled Remus with hope, and he followed it, letting out his own mournful howls.
Remus Lupin, she whispered. You promised, you promised…
The whisper had seemed to come from among the darkness of the trees with no particular spot. Remus ran faster than he ever did in his life. He kept going, ignoring the wolf's growls inside him, ignoring her whispers, and trying not to think of red eyes, as he followed the howl that soon led him to a light.
A small, black wolf was waiting for him at the end of the path. Behind the wolf, Remus could see a lit clearing. It was a place he knew that she could never follow. He'll be free from her whispers, free from the guilt. It was the edge of the dark forest that he'd never knew existed. It was a way out, and he was almost there!
Suddenly, Remus awoke. He was laying naked, shivering on a hard, wooden, and splintered floor. The pre-dawn light was seeping through boarded up windows. The full moon of November had set, his change was completed. He opened his eyes, his vision blurry, he closed them again. He was alone in the Shrieking Shack. The memory of his dream began to fade away. That wasn't the first time he dreamed of the black wolf. He knew it wasn't Padfoot. What could it mean? Is it supposed to be Severus? He started seeing the black wolf in his dreams when the memory of Severus pulling him out of his wolf-state of mind, months ago, had resurfaced in his memory.
He knew deep in his soul, it was Severus. But why would he be a wolf? His patronus was known to be a doe. Did it mean he was becoming part of his pack? Those were questions Remus didn't know the answer too, giving him a headache as he mulled them over and over in his head, still laying on the floor. His muscles ached, especially the damaged muscles of his leg injury, from the last full moon.
"Accio wand," Remus choked out. His wand flew straight to his hand. Remus closed his fingers tight around it. His hand trembling, he summoned the tattered blanket from the bed to cover himself, almost passing out from the exertion.
Not long after, the door opened, and entered the footsteps and scents of Madame Pomfrey and Severus. When Remus was a boy, it was always Madame Pomfrey who collected him from the shack. Now, that Remus was a grown man, and Poppy was not as young as she used to be, she always required Severus' help to get Remus back to the castle. Remus refused to ever be on an enchanted stretcher. He'll rather make the long and painful journey, limping back to the castle with his dignity intact.
A warm, comforting scent of herbs, and a familiar scented-shampoo enveloped Remus, causing his body to relax. He felt a hand on his face, soft and warm. He opened his eyes once more, and the face of Severus came into focus.
"Remus," Severus whispered, his voice sounded relieved. His dark eyes were boring into Remus, looking for any sign that he may be hurt. Despite of the strange dreams, Remus felt quite fine. No open wounds this time, no broken bones, no blood, no new scars. Just sore muscles and the pain from his old injury.
"Were you worried for me?" Remus croaked, his voice hoarse and scratchy from howling all night.
"Me, worried for you?" Severus scoffed. His eyes dancing with amusement from their sarcastic banter.
"Yeah, you're right. What was I thinking?" Remus smiled softly.
"Silly werewolf."
Remus turned his head slightly to see Poppy running diagnostic spells on him.
"Everything looks good, Remus," she said. "Can you stand?"
"Yeah…" Remus' breath hitched from the pain in his leg as he tried to move.
"What hurts?" Severus asked, the playful light in his eyes disappearing, replaced with concern.
"My leg."
"I'm not surprise. That injury is going to keep coming back if you don't rest it. I'll help you up. Just lean on me," Severus said as he offered an arm for Remus to pull himself up.
"Sure, just let me tell the wolf to go easy on my leg during the next change," Remus said sarcastically, as he pulled himself to his feet, leaning on Severus with his bad leg off the ground.
"You know what I mean," Severus said in exasperation, holding Remus up against him, and then sitting him down on the bed. He handed Remus his clothes from the night before.
Remus quickly dressed himself under the tattered blanket. Severus and Madame Pomfrey tactfully looked away.
"It would be easier if we could just put you on a stretcher," Poppy frowned, once he was done and Severus helped him up again.
"No," Remus simply stated. Anything but that!
The three made their way slowly to the castle. Madame Pomfrey insisted for Remus to rest in the hospital wing, but he only wanted to be in his bed. Once they were finally at his quarters, Remus changed into fresh pajamas and sunk into his bed, burrowing himself under his covers. No bed ever felt more comfortable than this one right here.
"Lay on your back, Remus," Madame Pomfrey said, entering the room. "I need to wrap up that leg."
Remus sighed, he was moments from sleep, but still did as he was told. She worked, muttering spells to soothe the pain, relaxing the muscles, and bringing down the swelling, then wrapping it up for support. Remus kept his eyes closed, listening to the soft sounds of Severus making some tea in the kitchen. The boiling of water in the kettle, the clinking sound of the teacups, the swish of his robes, his heart beating against his chest. And he thought about those dark eyes boring down at him, moments ago as he laid on that floor.
Once Severus returned, Madame Pomfrey had Remus' wrapped up leg on a pillow. She placed a couple of potions on his nightstand to make sure he took for strength once he awoke. Once she was gone, Remus was already drifting off.
"Hey, don't fall asleep yet, wolf," Severus scolded softly. "I need you to drink this."
Remus opened his eyes. Severus was standing over him, a steaming mug of tea in his hands.
"What is it?" He forced himself to sit up carefully, to not disturb his resting leg. The usual scent of tea was laced with something.
"I spiked the tea with Pain Potion, to help you sleep. I didn't want to trigger you as the last time."
Remus smiled at the thought. "Thank you, Severus." He took the mug and drank a couple of sips. The warm, earthy drink was the best tea he'd ever tasted. He drunk half of it, before he felt his eyes growing heavy. He put the mug down on the side table.
"Get some sleep," Severus said as he closed the curtains, blocking out the rising sun. "I'll be back after lunch with some food for you…"
Filled with the warm, soothing tea, and wrapped up in his blankets, Remus drifted off to sleep before Severus could finish his sentence.
It was late afternoon once Remus awoken again from a nightmare-plagued sleep, drenched in sweat and finding himself in immense pain. Fear from the dream still lingered, making his heart thud against his chest. He drank the rest of the tea that Severus had given him; that seemed like ages ago. Quickly feeling the effects, he laid back down, staring at the ceiling.
Since his capture with Greyback, it wasn't the first time Remus had woken up from a nightmare-ridden sleep like that. Always drenched in sweat, gasping in fear, that soon always led to him feeling so exhausted, like he was falling into a pit of gloom, sucking out all of his energy. The changes of the full moon always seemed to trigger those episodes.
Suddenly there was a soft knock on the bedroom door. "Remus?"
Remus turned over onto his side, facing towards the window, his back to the door. He didn't want Severus to know he was awake. He didn't want to see anyone or do simple things, that right now, seemed impossible; things like getting out of bed, talking, eating, pretending he was okay.
"I wanted to check on you. I brought lunch. It's on your kitchen table."
Remus closed his eyes, not opening them, even long after the footsteps were gone, along with a closing door. Remus kept them closed, and fell back into the heavy darkness of sleep.
It was the late evening when Remus finally climbed out of bed. He got up slowly, stretching out his sore and stiff muscles. He drank one of the strengthening potions Poppy had left him, chasing it down with huge gulps of water. He felt terrible, sleeping most of the day made no difference. He brushed his teeth and rinsed his face, avoiding his reflection in the mirror, then limped heavily to the kitchen. A cup of hot tea and chocolate sounded nice.
Remus noticed the food on the table, left by Severus. It was under a stasis spell, keeping it warm and fresh for him. The smell of the food made his stomach queasy. Suddenly wanting nothing, Remus picked up a stored bottle of fire whiskey in his cabinet and went to the living room, sitting down on the window ledge.
And that's where he stayed, watching the sunset, then staying there long after. The fire whiskey numbed the fear and pain, took away the heavy weight of darkness inside him, quieting the wolf. And the moon shone brightly in the darkness of his quarters, casting shadows.
Unlike the bright moonlight shining its light through the windows of the castle, the corridors of the dungeons were dark and cold. The flames of the torches caused the shadows to dance, barely lighting the way for Harry, as he made his way to Severus' quarters.
Underneath his invisibility cloak, he held his arm close to his chest. It was wrapped with a t-shirt, blood was streaming out of it and around his arm, dripping onto the floor. Harry hated himself for being so weak, for giving into cutting for simply having a bad night. Despite of him scratching himself, it had been months since he'd actually cut himself up. His deep loathing of himself washed over him, as he thought of how Severus might react. What would he say once he saw what Harry had done?
Today had started normally, like any other day. Breakfast with his friends, Ron and Hermione arguing as they talked about the Slug Club and Professor Slughorn's Christmas party in December. He wanted to invite Ginny, but she was most likely going with Dean. Lessons were long and exhausting with Ron and Hermione barely speaking to each other. Harry was looking forward to Qudditch practice. Flying seemed like a perfect distraction, yet, it was ruined by Harry having to replace Katie Bell with Dean Thomas. As much as it annoyed Harry, he had no other choice. It was only fair since Dean was the next best chaser after Katie during the tryouts.
After an hour and a half of practice, the early November sky was growing darker. The cold air stung their cheeks and noses, and tensions were high out on the field. Harry, feeling like he was frozen on his broom, called an end to practice. He and Ron were the last ones to leave the locker room, as they were discussing Harry's plans on the D.A. club restarting and how to get in touch with old members. A small part of Harry wanted to keep it from Dean Thomas. Last thing he needed was Dean impressing Ginny with spells that Harry taught him. As soon as they stepped into the castle, they'd caught Ginny and Dean snogging at the foot of the staircase. Consumed with anger and hurt, fighting with himself to not attack Dean, Harry only watched as Ron and Ginny fought, before she stormed off. And Harry couldn't follow her, because Ron was his best friend, he was scared that Ron might not understand. As much as he liked Ginny, he didn't want to lose Ron.
Ron was in a rotten mood for the rest of the night, taking it out on Hermione who couldn't take it anymore and stormed up to her dormitory. That annoyed Harry immensely, because she and Harry were planning the first lessons of the D.A. club, and making a list of who to contact. Harry stormed up to his room not long after, fed up by Ron's foul mood.
And he didn't plan to do it. Yes, he was shaken by seeing Dean and Ginny kiss, and the terrible argument between her and Ron. As he stood there in shock, he wanted to attack Dean, and he hated that part inside of him. But still, it wasn't an excuse to break an almost four-month streak he worked so hard on. The last time he'd cut had been before his birthday.
As Harry brushed his teeth, he stared at himself in the mirror, wondering what Dean had that Harry didn't? The dark thoughts he had during the day, resurfaced, and he hated himself for thinking them. The jealousy, the annoyance of Dean for just simply being there, not wanting him on the Quidditch team or the D.A. club. Wanting to hex him every time he so much as looked at Ginny. Harry squashed those thoughts down. Dean wasn't doing anything wrong. Ginny chose him.
What was so special about Dean Thomas? Harry wondered again, putting his toothbrush away and turning off the faucet. His reflection showed him his messy hair, bright-green eyes looking tired behind round glasses. Why didn't she choose me? We had several moments, didn't we? Harry was the chosen one, according to the Daily Prophet. He was Quidditch captain and leader of the D.A. club. He was the Boy-Who-Lived. He was her brother's best friend for Merlin's sake, who visited the Burrow every summer. What did Dean Thomas have compared to all that?
He isn't a freak! A voice at the back of his mind sneered. Who would want you with those scars on your arms? Who would want someone with problems like that? You're not strong like Dean. You couldn't even handle punishments that you deserved from your aunt and uncle.
His body shaking hard, Harry looked down at his arm, at the scars. Some of them were small, thin, and white. Some of them were raised, darker, and longer. Harry always made sure they were hidden under long-sleeved shirts. Never once had he revealed them to Ron or Hermione, despite of them knowing. If he couldn't show them, then how on earth could he ever show Ginny, let alone tell her? He was ashamed of the evidence of his terrible tactic to cope with his emotions, his depression, his grief for Sirius and the pain of his childhood. Ginny wouldn't want this. Harry was sure she'll freak out if she saw the scars. Maybe she was better off with Dean Thomas, who was normal, with no scars on his arm.
This wasn't planned. It just happened. Looking at the scars, feeling rejected and more of a freak than ever before, Harry suddenly wanted to cut. He needed to. He had to feel the pain inside and control it. He had to control it, he had too… His body was shaking hard, and the familiar sense of auto-pilot that he hadn't felt in months, took over.
He looked around the bathroom for something sharp. He couldn't find anything. He quickly went to Ron's trunk, pulling out his Potions kit and took out the small, compact cutting-knife for potion ingredients. He wiped the blade clean with the sleeve of his pajamas. Harry's own knife had long ago been taken by Severus.
Harry climbed onto his bed, closing the curtains around it, so anyone coming in would think he was asleep. Breathing heavily, he gently pressed the blade to his skin, making a small, thin cut. Blood began to well up, followed by a burning pain, but it didn't hurt enough to match the pain he felt inside. It didn't soothe his feelings of jealousy, rejection, self-loathing; the freak he felt like he was.
He made another cut, followed by another, and another; each bigger and deeper than the one before. He was staring at four straight lines of his marred skin, blood streaming out and flowing onto his bed.
When the door suddenly opened, it snapped Harry back into reality. He dropped the knife onto his blankets, and covered his mouth with his hand, staring at his bloody arm, as tears began to fall, warm and heavy down his cheeks.
What have I done?
Harry stayed as still as possible. Listening to whoever it was that came in as they grabbed things out of their trunk, then heading into the bathroom. The shower went on.
Harry didn't waste another second. He grabbed an old t-shirt that was once Dudley's and wrapped it around his bleeding arm. He muttered a spell to clean Ron's knife, putting it back where it belonged. He then cleaned the blood off his sheets, and wrote a note to Ron that he was with Severus. Knowing his friend might come looking for him, worried he might be doing what Harry had already done. He then threw the invisibility cloak over himself so no one would see him leave Gryffindor tower.
Harry knew Severus was going to be mad, but he still wanted him. He wanted the soothing, comforting words of his dad. He wanted to feel like he had a place to belong, to be accepted, after what he'd done. He needed his dad.
Finally reaching his destination, he whispered, "Draught of Living Death." The portrait door opened, and he was immediately hit by the warm and comfortable feeling of home.
"Severus?" Harry called, letting the cloak fall onto the floor. The living area and kitchen were empty. The lanterns were all lit on a low setting.
"Dad!" Harry called louder. The panic and hurt he was feeling was prominent in his voice. Harry started shaking once more as he heard footsteps from Severus' room.
"Harry!" Severus ran to him, grabbing him by the shoulders. His eyes landed on the shirt wrapped around his bloody arm. "What happened?!"
He gently tore the shirt off his arm, examining the deep cuts Harry had done to himself.
"Dad, I'm sorry," Harry choked, his vision blurry with tears. He's disappointed in me!
Severus didn't answer. He moved in an urgent speed, as he rewrapped the shirt tighter on his arm, applying pressure, before leading Harry to his room and into the connecting bathroom.
He sat Harry on the toilet.
"Here," he said, grabbing Harry's hand and placing it on his wrapped arm. "Hold this tight, we need to stop the bleeding."
Harry did as he was told, shock taking over, as he watched his dad pull out an emergency kit from the bathroom cabinet.
Severus knelt down, grabbing Harry's arm and removed the bloodied shirt. More blood welled from the deepest of cuts. Severus pressed a wad of gauze on it, applying pressure for several moments and then checking it, repeating the process over and over.
The whole time Harry's body was shaking tremendously as he cried, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"
Once the bleeding finally stopped, Severus began to clean the wounds before closing them up with magic, until not even a scar was left behind, leaving no trace of his relapse.
"You're okay, son," Severus kept saying as he worked. "You're going to be okay. Look, the scars are even gone. It's going to be fine."
Harry couldn't say anything, but cry harder. He was so ashamed and embarrassed.
"Harry…"
Severus leaned forward holding Harry steady by his shoulders, and rested his forehead onto his own.
"Close your eyes," his dad muttered. "Come on, do as I say." He picked up Harry's hand and placed it onto his chest, so that Harry could feel his beating heart. "Take deep breaths with me."
Harry closed his eyes. They took deep breaths together until he began to feel better, breathing normally.
Harry couldn't believe what he'd done. What was wrong with him? Why did he have to give in to this terrible habit? Why couldn't he be strong? It had been months since the last time he'd cut, and he threw it all away. Just because he was feeling bad over Dean and Ginny. It was pathetic!
"Dad, I'm so sorry," he choked out.
"Shh. It's okay, you're okay, son. Don't be sorry. I've got you here with me. Come on let's get you into bed."
They both stood up. Harry climbed into bed as Severus cleaned up the bathroom. Severus then came in and covered Harry with his Gryffindor-colored comforter, making sure he was comfortable.
"Dad?" Harry hated how his voice sounded, strained from all the crying. "Don't leave. I'm scared I might do it again."
Severus' gaze softened as he looked at Harry. And Harry could imagine how pathetic he sounded, how childish he looked, asking for his dad to lay with him.
"I'll stay with you until you fall asleep," Severus said. He took off his outer robes, hanging them over Harry's desk chair, kicked off his shoes, and in his black trousers and white, long-sleeved shirt, climbed into Harry's bed.
"Budge up, kid," Severus muttered. "Make some room."
Harry scooted over. Once they were settled, Harry laid on his back, staring up at the ceiling.
"Dad, it's been over three months. I almost made it to four months without cutting myself. That was my longest streak. I'm such a mental, nutcase. Why can't I stop?"
Severus was laying on his side, staring at Harry, silently considering his words.
"Don't talk about yourself like that, Harry. You're not mental. This is something we just need to work hard on. Recovery is never easy. It takes time."
"It's hard. I feel like I'm failing, no matter how hard I try or how long I go without doing it."
"I know….but you have me… you have Remus and your friends. You have a support system. We will not let you fall, Harry. We are here for you, even on your bad days. You're not alone, not anymore."
"You're right, I feel so stupid."
"Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm just glad you came to me right after you realized what you've done. I think that's progress from the Harry I knew before the summer. Back than, would you've tried to hide it instead?"
"Yeah, you're right…I would've definitely hid it."
Fresh tears started coming down his cheeks. Harry sighed. He thought he was done with the waterworks.
"You're not mad are you? Are you going to take my wand away?"
"No, I'm not. I'll explain why once we talk about what happened."
"Do I have to tell you now?"
More tears were coming down, his throat closing up. He wiped them away angrily. He took his glasses off and placed them on his bedside table. Everything around him, including Severus, was a blurry mess, but he didn't mind.
"Hey, kid, it's okay. We can talk about this another time, when you're ready. Just try and get some sleep. I'm right here if you need anything."
Severus pulled Harry close against his chest. And he cried until he fell sleep, surrounded by warmth and the scent of potion herbs, that was only his dad.
Severus waited long until Harry stopped crying, and his breathing deepened into soft snores, before carefully prying himself away, and out of the bed. He made sure Harry was comfortable, pulling the blanket over him. Then affectionately running a hand through the boy's messy black hair, brushing away his fringe out of his face. Severus sighed, staring down at his sleeping son, before grabbing his shoes and his robes. He left the the door open just a crack, just in case if Harry shall wake and might need him.
Tossing his things into his own room, Severus then went to the fireplace, "Remus Lupin," he stated as quietly as possible, throwing floo powder into the flames. Despite of it being late, and Remus might being asleep, he needed him here. Harry needed him here.
Severus knelt down on his hands and knees on the cobbled-stone floor, and stuck his head in the fireplace. Right away he spotted Remus sitting on the ledge of his window, with a bottle of fire whiskey in his hands.
His eyes widened at the sight of Severus.
"Severus?"
"I apologize for bothering you so late. It's about Harry, can you come through to my quarters?"
Remus nodded, getting up and grabbing floo powder as Severus pulled himself out of the fireplace, stepping back to make room for him.
The flames grew green, and out-stepped the werewolf covered in soot. Severus was glad he left the bottle of fire whiskey behind. He needed Remus sober tonight.
"Severus? What happened?" Remus said, after muttering a spell to get rid of all the soot.
Severus put a finger to his lips and indicated Harry's open bedroom door. "He's asleep, come, we'll talk in the kitchen."
Moments later, Severus and Remus were both sitting at the table, steaming mugs of tea in front of them as Severus explained everything that happened.
"How is he doing?" Remus asked, face pale with shock, flecks of amber were becoming prominent in his hazel-green eyes.
"He's sleeping now. I just wanted you here to be here when he awakens, or hopefully decides to talk about it. That way he see's how much parental support he has."
"Parental support? Severus? Why, I'm touched for you to think of me as another parental figure to Harry."
"Yeah, well," Severus shrugged, sipping his tea. "You calm him down, Remus. He's somehow grown closer to you within the last month. He's starting to trust you, and I want to encourage that. He's gonna need you more than ever someday…" He stopped, realizing he spoke too much. What was it with this werewolf and making Severus feel comfortable enough to spill all of his secrets to him?
"What do you mean by that?"
Severus shook his head. "I can't….Dumbledore."
Remus sighed, knowing that he truly couldn't reveal anything. Severus knew he understood Dumbledore and his plans for the war, the secrets, the missions.
They drank their tea in silence for a few moments.
Then Remus said, "Sometimes I can see it in your eyes, or the way you drift off from others in the room, silent, brooding, and I know you're thinking about it…I know you're hiding something, and I know you cannot tell me. I trust that it's for the best, everyday the war looms over us closer and closer. Whatever happens, Harry has me, even if you can't be around anymore."
Unable to speak, Severus only nodded. He didn't want to think about his terrible promise, the terrible fate that awaited him and Dumbledore, sending Harry on his path to fight the Dark Lord. He hated it within every inch of his soul, and wished so dearly he could just take Harry and go into hiding. But that could never be an option, Harry's fate was too wrapped up with the Dark Lord. The only thing that kept him sane, that very moment, was the reassurance of Remus' words. No matter what happens, Severus knew Harry would be okay with him. He wasn't going to leave Harry alone, he'll have Remus to pull him through Severus' fake betrayal.
And he remembered the state Harry was in, only hours before. The tears, the shock, the blood and the repeated apologies. He wondered what triggered him. Was it the lessons from Albus? Was it a dream he had? Or did he have a flashback of the abuse he suffered as a child. It could've been anything, Severus realized. He was just going to have to wait until Harry was ready to talk.
Severus sighed, worry over his son consumed him. He hid his face underneath his hands. He suddenly didn't care that Remus was there to witness him break like this. Only he could understand when it came to Harry, the worry and pain this ordeal had brought to Severus.
"Severus, this isn't your fault," Remus said softly. "You're doing all that you can to help him. The important thing is that he went to you right after. You know that must've been hard for him. It shows that he trusts you." Remus leaned over and gently pried one of his hands away from his face, his golden-flecked green eyes meeting Severus' own dark eyes. "Actions speak louder than words."
Remus was right of course. Harry's actions tonight spoke volumes of the trust he had for Severus. If this would've happened during the summer, when Harry was first brought into Severus' care, there was no way Harry would've gone to him after cutting himself. Severus remembered the times he found the boy sitting on the couch, early in the morning, after a long night of restless sleep and nightmares, never once coming to Severus.
Actions speak louder than words… Remus' words, rang true in his head, as he recalled Harry immediately going to him, with fresh deep cuts on his arm. He'd never said a word of protest as Severus patched him up. He thought of the way the boy clung onto him for comfort, apologizing over and over for what he'd done. He realized the boy must've been scared that Severus would be upset, but he still went to him. Severus was deeply touched. Remus was right, Harry's actions spoke trust. And his actions showed how strong Harry was, to do what seemed hardest at a moment of crises, to admit that he needed help.
"You're right, Remus, actions speak louder than words," Severus said softly, mulling these thoughts over in his head.
"Why don't you get some sleep?" Remus suggested. "I'll just kip out on the sofa tonight, that way I'm close by in case Harry wakes and needs one of us."
Severus sighed, "Are you sure? You should be the one resting. You had your change last night. How are you doing by the way? I came to check on you after lunch. You didn't answer, I assumed you were still asleep."
Remus briefly looked away before saying, "I'm fine, I slept most of the day. Go rest, Severus. I'll call you if anything." Remus was insistent he was okay, yet, Severus could see the circles under his eyes. And he remembered the bottle he found Remus drinking earlier, he wasn't okay.
But tonight, he'll let him be.
Severus nodded, getting up and placing his mug in the sink.
"Goodnight, Remus."
"Goodnight," Remus said softly at him before Severus left the kitchen.
He checked on his sleeping son, who was curled up in a ball inside a cocoon of his comforter. He wished to the heavens that Harry could just catch a break. He just wanted him to be happy. Seeing him in tears, so broken and ashamed was hard. Severus had almost cried himself after he healed Harry's arm, guiding him to breathe, to calm him. But he forced himself to remain calm, he had too for his son.
Severus then placed some extra blankets and pillows on the sofa for Remus and went into his own bedroom. He took a long, hot shower, feeling the warm water wash away the stress and soothe his tensed muscles. Dressed in his pajamas, he slipped into bed, still trying to get his son's whispered apologies out of his mind as he fell into a restless sleep.
Even though Remus promised Severus, he'll sleep on the sofa, he wasn't ready to turn in just yet. He wasn't tired. He didn't want to fall back into nightmares. His tolerance for alcohol was higher than the normal range for wizards, most likely due to him being a werewolf. Remus had barely drunk himself into a good buzz when Severus had contacted him. The tea he was given, paired with sudden fear and concern for Harry, and Severus' melancholy mood had sobered him up.
He quietly stood up and made his way to Harry's bedroom, sitting down on the desk chair.
I'll watch over him, before turning in. Just for a little while… he thought.
He hadn't meant to fall into a dreamless sleep on the chair. And it was how Harry found him the next morning. Remus woke up to see Harry laying on his side, green eyes meeting his own.
"Good morning, cub," Remus yawned, stretching out the kinks in his muscles from sleeping uncomfortably for so long.
"Severus told you?" he asked.
Remus nodded. "Don't be upset with him. He was worried for you."
"I'm not. I'm glad you're here."
Remus smiled, "breakfast?"
They crept silently out of Harry's room, the living area and kitchen were empty. Harry silently opened Severus' door a crack, peeking in and then shutting the door softly.
"He's still asleep."
Suddenly Remus had an idea. "Do you want to surprise him with pancakes?"
Harry smiled, "yes!" he whispered. "And coffee, he's gonna want a lot of coffee. He has sixth year potions today."
"In that case, we should get started," Remus grimaced in sympathy.
As they made the pancakes together, Harry working on the mix and Remus flipping them on the pan, they talked a bit about the D.A. club and Harry's and Hermione's plans for it. Remus gave him advice on what spells to teach, and jinks and hexes that certain students needed help on.
It was an easy conversation. Remus could tell Harry was carefully avoiding the topic of what happened last night. Remus decided to be patient, to wait till Harry wanted to talk about it. Yet he wanted Harry to know that he was also there, willing to listen. He wasn't going to just let this go without any acknowledgment.
"You know, cub, whenever you're ready to talk about last night, just know I'm here to listen. I'm not pressuring you to start right now, just to let you know that I'm here. And you can talk about it when you want to."
"Thanks, Remus," Harry said gratefully, as he started on the coffee.
"What's going on here?" Severus suddenly asked, his voice sleepy and sounding immensely grumpy. He was already dressed for a day of teaching in his usual black robes. Harry and Remus were still cladded in their pajamas. Harry's hair was as messy as ever.
Remus laughed. Of course Severus Snape wasn't a morning person. He suddenly found that very funny.
"We made pancakes!" Harry announced.
"I see that. What's so funny, Lupin?" Severus shot him a glare.
Remus cleared his throat. "Um, nothing." He winked at Harry who gave him a small smile in return.
"You shouldn't be standing on that leg of your's," Severus pointed out.
Harry suddenly handed Severus a huge cup of steaming black coffee, guiding him to take a seat. And instantly Severus' mood changed after he took his first sip.
"What?" he asked, at Harry and Remus who exchanged bemused glances.
Harry was smirking at him. Remus began to clean up and serve the pancakes on three plates.
"Severus, I think you have an addiction to coffee!" Remus laughed. "Seems like Harry is the only one that's noticed it."
Severus only rolled his eyes at their antics.
"Thanks, wolf," he muttered as Remus placed a plate in front of him.
Remus and Harry took their seats.
"This is a nice surprise. I appreciate the pancakes, and this is very good coffee, thank you, son."
Harry blushed, "I used to make coffee all the time for my aunt and uncle."
Severus raised an eyebrow at Harry's words, caught off guard by the new information. Remus meanwhile had realized how hungry he was. The last time he ate had been well before the full moon. He began to uncharacteristically scarf down his pancakes. He was famished. After he cleaned off his plate, he looked up to see father and son staring at him with wide eyes.
"Sorry, I was starving."
"Bloody hell, Remus, you can give Ron a run for his money!" Harry smirked.
"Sorry, it's the full moon."
"You didn't eat the food I left you?" Severus asked, eyes glowering.
"You know, Harry, I think I'll try your famous coffee!"
Remus stood up, rinsed his plate and poured himself a cup of coffee in a Slytherin-styled mug. Severus only scowled at Remus' antics, but didn't say anything.
"I think I should go and get ready, I have early lessons today," Remus said, before Severus started asking him more questions. He picked up his cane, preparing to head out.
"Wait, Remus," Severus said. He looked down at Harry. "Do you want to come here for dinner after lessons? It's Friday."
Harry nodded, playing with the food on his plate and taking small bites.
"Remus, join us tonight?" Severus asked.
"Of course," Remus agreed, before flooing back to his office with his coffee.
"He took your Slytherin mug, sir."
"I've noticed," Severus sighed.
Annoyed as he was at Remus' antics, he enjoyed the wolf's playfulness. It was like parts of the old Remus were still there, like tiny pinpricks of light showing through the dark bleakness of his depression.
"Is he going to be okay?" Harry asked.
Severus looked down at his son, he hadn't realized Harry might've noticed the change in the wolf. Remus was almost as good as Severus when it came to hiding emotions behind a strong mental mask.
"He'll get there," Severus said.
Harry didn't say anything else, only continued to push his pancakes around with his fork.
"Harry, eat your food."
"I'm not very hungry."
"Just half then, you'll need your energy. You still have lessons today."
"Okay."
"You know you do better when distracted."
"I know…"
"We'll talk about it tonight, okay?"
Harry only nodded as he slowly began to eat his breakfast, and Severus was glad even for that small win. Harry always had trouble eating when he was stressed out or when the self-harm got really bad. He could see the signs that Harry was falling back into depression. He was regressing back to the behavior he had when he first arrived during the summer, closed off, unable to eat, always on defensive mode. And Severus wanted to pull him out of it before he fell too far down again. Maybe getting Harry out of this castle may help, for ever since term started, their relationship had grown faulty. Maybe it would be best if they had some sort of weekend family getaway to fix the cracks between them.
Once breakfast was done, Severus deep in thought for plans this weekend, decided to talk to Remus during lunch for ideas, as he made his way to his sixth year Potions lessons with Harry trailing far behind him in a deep sulk. The students were all lined up against the walls. One side Slytherin and the other Gryffindor. He suddenly caught the eyes of Draco Malfoy who then glanced at Harry; who joined his friends. They immediately started whispering amongst each other as Severus unlocked the classroom door, inviting the students to go in and take their seats.
They were working on Felix Felices today, a very complex potion to brew. It was known for its golden color, granting luck for one full day from just one small sip. Severus feeling uncharacteristically nice today, told his class that whoever brewed a perfect potion, could keep a small vile of their work. However, the potion was so complex, he doubted any of them would be able too. It was nice to see the dunderheads actually working hard and paying attention to instructions for once. Severus made his way around the class several times, making sure to favor his Slytherins. He rolled his eyes at Draco's mess. It was unlike him to do horribly at Potions, and knew this was due to the task he was having trouble accomplishing. He couldn't help but notice the small glances the blonde Slytherin kept shooting at Harry.
At the end of the lesson, Harry was the only one able to create a perfect brew. Severus really had no words, again he couldn't figure out why Harry was a sudden Potions genius. He was up to something, bloody kid, there was no way he could be suddenly that good in a short amount of time. And it looked like Granger was just as frustrated as Severus was about it. She kept trying to figure out where she went wrong, her hair getting bigger and bigger each moment. Severus had to hold back a sharp comment for her to calm down. He made no move to help her, for he privately thought this failure was good for her.
With the lesson over, and all the potion vile's placed on Severus' desk; minus Harry's, Severus began to work on the grades, when he suddenly sensed a presence in the room. He looked up to see Draco standing by the door.
"Mr. Malfoy?" Severus said in surprise. "Do you need something?"
Severus was indeed curious about this. He'd been meaning to talk to Draco about the necklace, but was waiting for the perfect moment. Maybe now was as good a time as any.
Draco was standing by the door, his robes hanging on his bag, shirt sleeves rolled up and tie almost undone. His hair was messy and mused up, looking a bit like Harry's black fringe. Purple, dark circles were like bruised shadows underneath his eyes. He wasn't doing well, Severus could see that, and he wished he could do something to help, but Draco wanted nothing to do with him. He avoided Severus as if he had Dragon Pox. He was always the first one out of the classroom as soon as lessons were over. During detentions, if he bothered to show up, he did his work, barely speaking and not answering any questions Severus would ask him.
Severus didn't know it was possible to find someone more stubborn than Harry, but he did. Harry may have had a brick wall protecting his emotions, but Draco's wall was made of steal. Never breaking, hiding behind it where Severus couldn't reach him. And this was why Severus was so caught off guard to see Draco standing there.
"I just want to know if Harry's okay," Draco asked, his voice hesitant, no longer as confident as he once was.
"Why? You're not going to break his nose again are you?" Severus eyed him with suspicion. He didn't know what to make of this sudden change, his sudden concern for Harry after attacking him twice this term.
"No, professor…" Draco shook his head, he seemed to have trouble with saying what was on his mind. "I overhead his friends worrying over his absence…. then I saw him trailing behind you this morning when you've arrived. He looked well….downhearted..I just…did he cut himself?"
"Draco…"
"This doesn't change anything." Draco averted his eyes away from him, his steel-blue gaze landing somewhere over Severus' shoulder. "I just want to know if he's okay."
"Why don't you ask him yourself? You know he's been worried about you too. And you pushing him away, acting like a bulling, little prick isn't helping."
"I know, but you know Harry, it's the only way… I care about him too much to continue as friends and then.…" Draco stopped, still searching for the words going on in his head, that Severus wished he could just use Legilimency to find them, but he knew it would be an insult to intrude like that. "It's better we break off this friendship now, before it grow's stronger. It's the only way I could go on with this task."
"I understand…you have to do what you have to do, no matter the consequences, the people you push away… I get it, Draco. That is why I'm trying to help you…If you would just let me…"
Draco scoffed. "I don't need your help!"
"You don't have to do the task, we'll figure something out!"
Draco turned at Severus' words, ready to leave, and Severus could only think of one thing to say to make him stay.
"You're right about Harry, he cut up his arm last night."
Draco stopped at those words, hand on the door knob, turning around slowly. "I do still care for him," he said, eyes finally meeting Severus' own, and he could see the pain caused by him pushing Harry away.
"I know you do."
"But he can't know."
"I won't tell him. He's not doing great right now, but he'll be okay. He's strong. And you don't have to push him away, there's still time…"
Draco shook his head. "No…"
"Fine, I won't say anymore. One more thing before you go, Draco, I know you don't want my help, but just take this piece of advice. The necklace… you need to be careful. Harry is on to you. Don't try anything else as stupid as that. I know you're not a fool…."
Draco didn't even let Severus finish. He scowled at his words, slamming the door open, before stepping out into the hallway, the door slamming shut behind him.
Later that day Severus found Remus in the staff room, lounging on the armchair and going over his lesson plans.
Severus sat at the armchair nearest to him with a sigh.
"Long morning?" Remus asked.
Severus nodded.
"Remus, I have an idea…."
And he told Remus all about his plans on taking Harry away this weekend. How he needed a place somewhere remote, safe, easy to put up safety wards.
Remus happily suggested his parents' cabin, hidden deep in the woods. It was the last place they moved too when Remus was about eleven. They were able to hide his full moon changes there, with no neighbors around to hear the howls. And so Remus' lesson plans forgotten, they began to plan a weekend trip to the cabin, preparing to leave that evening.
Lessons were finally over, to Harry's relief. He was tired of sitting through lessons he could barely concentrate over, his mind kept replaying the events of last night like an old muggle, movie reel. He kept seeing the blood, the blade, Severus' eyes, and the pain; he could remember the pain and how it felt. And he would close his eyes tight, trying to get himself to stop seeing those images. He didn't eat at all today, food made him queasy. And he was tired of the concerned looks Ron and Hermione kept shooting towards him all morning. He'd barely said a word over his disappearance last night, once they were reunited in Potions, that morning.
After lunch during D.A.D.A, Remus called Ron and Hermione to his office. Harry wondered briefly what that was about, but didn't care much, for it gave him a break from their unspoken concern, the questions he knew were on the tips of their tongues, but didn't ask. They were walking on eggshells around him.
They came back to their seats, their eyes glancing at one another, silently communicating to each other. Harry scowled at them, snapping at them whenever they spoke to him. Why couldn't they just leave him alone? He was just so tired. All he wanted was to be alone in his room, in Severus' quarters. He wanted to be in his bed and just sleep the days away until he felt normal again. He felt hollow today, everything seemed meaningless, and he hated himself. He couldn't stand being in his own skin for what he'd done to himself last night.
I'm so stupid. He kept saying over and over throughout the day. I'm so weak and pathetic for giving into cutting. I was doing so good, what happened? Severus probably wants nothing to do with me. I'm such a freak!
After the last lesson of the day which was Transfiguration, Harry gathered up his things, walking behind his friends.
"Guys, I'm going down to the dungeons. Severus wants me to join him and Remus for dinner."
"Okay, Harry, we'll walk you there," Hermione nodded.
"No, I can go on my own," Harry scowled in annoyance.
"Harry, don't be silly!" Hermione snapped back.
Harry rolled his eyes and continued on ahead. If they wanted to follow him and watch over him like a baby, then fine! His mood was becoming darker by the minute. He just wanted this day to be over.
No one spoke until they've reached the portrait door.
Hermione suddenly hugged Harry. "I know you won't tell us what happened last night, but Harry, we love you. Just know we're here for you, okay? Have a fantastic weekend!"
Harry only nodded, not understanding what she meant by that. At Hermione's words of affection, he realized how mean he'd acted all day. He hugged her tight, burying his face into her soft hair that smelled like her apple-scented shampoo. He didn't deserve good friends like her and Ron, especially how they were only trying to help. Ron patted him on the shoulder, his blue gaze intense with concern.
"She's right, mate," Ron said. "Don't push us away. Whatever happened, we'll help you get through it. And don't forget to bring me back a souvenir!"
"Ron!" Hermione scolded.
Ron only grinned. "Doesn't hurt to ask, Hermione. He'll bring you one too, won't you, Harry?"
"What are you guys on about?" Harry asked, his gaze traveling back and forth between them.
"Don't listen to Ron, he's just being stupid. You'll see Harry." Hermione smiled, her chocolate-brown eyes suddenly bright with tears.
Guilt made his stomach clench as Harry realized again how horrible he was today, yet they were still there by his side. He couldn't have asked for better mates, he didn't deserve them. He was rotten, Aunt Petunia was right….
"Thanks, guys. I'm sorry for being a git all day. I promise I'll try to be better….I'm just… I…" He didn't know what to say, how to explain what he was feeling inside… his words were lost.
"It's okay, Harry, you don't have to explain. We understand," Hermione said, and Ron nodded his agreement.
They all hugged once more. And wondering what their cryptic words were about, Harry left them behind as he stepped through the portrait door.
He was greeted by Severus and Remus who were in the living room. Severus standing by the fireplace, and Remus sitting down in one of the armchairs. Next to them were packed bags, along with Harry's rucksack.
"Um, what's going on?" he asked.
Remus stood up strapping his guitar over his back, and began shrinking the bags and placing them into his pocket. Severus came over to him, kneeling down to eye level.
"Harry, do you trust us?" was all he asked.
Harry stared into the obsidian-black eyes of his father. Then glanced at Remus who nodded, his own hazel-green eyes full of warmth and encouragement.
And he knew the answer deep inside.
After everything that happened, he finally began to feel that spark in him. The blooming feelings of trust. And he wanted to grasp them, to hold on to them, because that was what he wanted the most.
"I think so…" Harry said.
Remus suddenly brought out an old, muggle, knitting magazine.
"Courtesy of Dumbledore," he said. "Go on, Harry, it activates in less than five seconds."
Harry stared into his eyes and he knew whatever they were up too, he would find out in five seconds. Curiosity got the better of him, so he did what he was told, placing his finger onto the magazine with Severus mirroring his actions, and they were suddenly all pulled away into swirls of dizzying color.
A/N: I hope you guys enjoy this chapter! Just wanted to say that I looked over the previous chapters and fixed a few things. For instance, in one of the chapters Severus had his 6 year class work on potions of their choosing and Harry chose Felix Felices, I changed it to another potion…. Anyways.. please let me know your thoughts! Next chapter will be posted sometime in April, hopefully before May!
Responses to Reviews for Chapter 9
Imaginer.012: Thank you for being the first to review chapter 9! I'm so glad you like my story enough to sneakily read at work lol, it made me laugh haha cus I often do the same! Yes, my favorite parts of writing this story are the moments between Severus and Harry, and I'm glad you've noticed and appreciated those parts in the chapter. This new chapter would probably make you cry, and I apologize haha. Thank you for your compliments as well, I really appreciated them!
LunePrimus: Thank you for your comment! And I love that you appreciate my work with Severus and Remus! My loves haha 3
BlueWater5: Thank you! That part was hard to write haha and I'm glad you pointed it out.
To all Guest Reviews:
Thank you for all the praises for chapter 9! And you guys kept reminding me to get chapter 10 posted as soon as possible haha. I appreciate the guest who purposely sent me a bunch of reviews just to encourage me to post the next one asap. I had such a bad day at work (I work at The Three Broomsticks lol), the day I received those, it made my day 100 times better. I seriously love all of you guys and your nice reviews and thoughts on Severus and Harry. They give me more to think about. 3
