Part 7
"It was what I wanted." Clarisse said softly. "I wanted things to be simple, to return to normal, to simply work for him again."
"What went wrong?" Rose asked.
Clarisse shrugged. "I'm not sure, I'm not sure at all. I thought it would be easy. I was stupid!" She said angrily leaning forward and refilling her wine glass. "I missed his attention, I hated the fact he thought I didn't return his feelings because I did… I honestly did."
"Were you in love with him then?"
Clarisse stretched her legs out. "I'm not sure, possibly," she shook her head. "Probably yes. Oh you know I'm not very good at this, how many relationships I have had, seriously."
"Two, if we count the King, three."
"And how many times have I chosen the wrong man."
Rose smiled. "Two, maybe three."
"Not exactly a proven track record of success."
"No, why did you stay over Christmas?"
"I'm not sure, I think mostly I was embarrassed to come home, afraid you would know something was wrong. And maybe, a part of me didn't want to leave him." She shrugged settling back on the couch.
Christmas passed slowly for Clarisse, she didn't go home, for some reason she felt ashamed. Ashamed for allowing herself to get too close to Joseph, for her feelings to get too intense and somehow she felt that if she met up with her family they would see through her and immediately know the truth. She was a fraud. Somebody who pretended to be in control, a consummate professional, and yet she was flirting with the person she should keep the most distance from.
She busied herself with planning new timetables for the following year, with organising the calendar and putting together order forms for various items that needed to be purchased. It was dull and lonely work; most of the staff were enjoying the holidays.
The King and his sons spent Christmas Eve and Day at a retreat, a family meeting. Clarisse never questioned it, part of her didn't really wish to know what they got up to at Christmas, she felt slightly jealous. Boxing day they returned to the palace, she and a handful of maids and two chefs took care of the celebratory meal that took place that evening, only a few close friends attended, it was easily organised.
Joseph was as pleasant as ever towards her, he complimented her on the decoration of the palace and the swift organisation of the traditional New Year Ball. But there was something in his eyes when he looked at her, something more… she didn't dare to analyse it.
The evening of the New Year ball was frantic and busy and Clarisse hardly had time to breathe. At a quarter to midnight the staff working that evening joined the celebrations in preparation for the countdown to midnight. Joseph gave a brief speech wishing everybody a prosperous new year and thanking them all for their hard work.
Clarisse stood at the back of the room, hiding herself away. She wore a long cream dress embroidered with gold, it wasn't new but it was the first time she'd had the opportunity to wear it. As Joseph scanned the room he caught her eye, she looked away, to the floor avoiding him.
The room broke into applause and she realised his speech had ended and the final dance was taking place. Folding her arms behind her back she raised herself on her tiptoes to glance over the crowd, the elite were waltzing, she recognised the tune. She watched Joseph glide across to the centre of the floor with a breath-taking young brunette on his arm. Well young, younger than the both of them anyhow, mid-thirties perhaps.
"Fine looking woman isn't she."
She turned sharply as Richard whispered in her ear. "Lady Desai. Friend of the King's cousin James, he's been trying to set them up for a while. From a good breed."
Clarisse bit down on her lip. "You make her sound like a horse."
Richard laughed. "Well it's true, women aren't viewed quite the same in royal circles, as you very well know."
She took a deep breath avoiding his leading comment.
"Well would you like to dance Clarisse?" He touched her elbow.
She glanced at him mulling it over. "No, no I don't think so." She mumbled and looked back to where Joseph was elegantly guiding Lady Desai around the floor. "I'm sure you have plenty of other female admirers who will happily accompany you this evening." She said cuttingly.
"Yes I suppose so, but then it seems so does the King."
Refusing to rise to his comment Clarisse ignored him and waited until she was sure he had left her side before she backed out of the room. She walked the long empty hallways, the music died behind her and she listened for the chime of the clock. The cheers of the crowd signalled it was midnight, a new year.
Holding back tears she made her way up the far staircase to the upper library. It was the smallest of the three in the palace yet Clarisse had discovered it had the most wonderful of views from the tiny balcony. It was there she stood overlooking the grounds, gripping the stone balcony, feeling the rush of ice-cold wind flow over her body. She would leave; it was her only choice, how could she stay? Richard knew, that much was obvious to her now, and if he knew then surely other staff members must have realised, or would soon enough.
Then there was Joseph, just what did she know about him? He seemed honest, trustworthy, caring… well he claimed to care for her. But beyond that, he was the King for goodness sake, he was brought up to be selfish and vain and spoilt. He got whatever he wanted, what woman would ever deny him? He could simply click his fingers and they'd be there in his bed waiting. And yet she was expected to believe that he'd spent the last fifteen years as a widower who never even glanced at another woman. It simply didn't wash. She couldn't accept it.
Lord knows how long she stood there. At the rear of the palace she was out of earshot of the celebrations taking place in the other wing, of the music ending, of the guests leaving and most of all she was unaware of the man who had scoured the palace looking for her and who stood behind her now.
"Happy new year Clarisse." His voice was low and sounded rather emotional as he approached her.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before turning to face him.
She took in his appearance, he'd dropped his dinner jacket, his bow tie was gone and his top few shirt buttons open. Yet his face looked drawn, tired perhaps, worried. He moved closer to her, stopping just inside the balcony doors, always watching her, always searching her reaction.
She could hardly breathe; hardly think straight, all resolve to fight him off seemed to disappear as he stared at her. She closed her eyes in an attempt to escape his penetrating gaze but she could smell him, feel his warmth as he took another step closer and her body seemed drawn to him. She longed to feel his arms around her, holding her.
When she looked at him again her vision was bleared, tears stung her eyes, she refused to cry in front of him, she refused to cry in front of any man yet the will of iron she had strived to build over the years seemed to melt in his presence.
She opened her mouth to speak but no words came out, her throat was tight and rigid, her body shaking involuntarily. Joseph stepped closer again, his arms unfolding and reaching to her, he caught her upper arms and she almost fell against him.
Fighting back her own tears she noticed the moisture welling up in his eyes as he moved his mouth over hers. He was trembling too and their lips met hesitantly, hardly touching, barely breathing. A light tremulous kiss where neither was sure of their next move, simply of the need to be together. Their lips parted, Clarisse took a deep breath and leant forward again and this time the kiss was more secure.
Joseph's strong arms circled her back and she clung on to his waist as their mouths moulded together, she felt a surge of want shoot through her body. He pulled back, touching her face, stroking her skin, her hair, kissing her forehead.
"You look stunning…" he breathed, kissing her again. "Stunning."
She shook off his words glancing at the floor, at the way their bodies pressed tightly together almost devouring each other. Intensity didn't even come close to what she felt.
"Why did you leave?" He kissed her forehead and then her mouth as she looked up at him. "I wanted to dance with you."
"How could you?" She snuffled. "You were dancing with Lady something or other."
He couldn't help but smile. "But I wanted you Clarisse."
"You have the pick of the most beautiful women in the country."
"I'm with the most beautiful woman in the country."
She would have blushed if it weren't for the fact her face was already red and clammy from crying.
Reaching up she touched his face, ran her long slender fingers down his cheek to his mouth.
"I'm in love with you." He whispered.
"I know." Was the only response she could muster. "It terrifies me."
"And me." He kissed her hair. "I never knew this existed, I never knew a woman could do this to me."
She shivered in his arms resting her head briefly on his chest. "This is the first time in my life I've never known how to handle a situation." She swallowed and took a deep breath. "I'm usually the one in control."
"As am I." He replied stroking her back. "But now I feel as if I'm placing myself in your hands."
"Don't say that." She stepped back from him slightly, looking to his face.
"Why not? It's true, right now you could ask anything of me."
"I wouldn't do that." She replied softly turning away from him and once again looking out over the extensive grounds.
"And that's one of the reasons I love you." His arms were around her again instantly, his chin on her shoulder.
"Why do you think this happened Joseph? After all these years, all this time I've spent alone and then I meet you and everything changes, everything I believed in is gone. All those standards I praised myself on."
"You've lost none of those standards, this isn't about you chasing after the King like some wanton maid, you see past the title, you treat me as an equal." He breathed deeply and she shivered as his breath caught her neck. "Sometimes the way you look at me… you have the most amazing eyes, do you know that?"
She wordlessly shook her head.
"You do, god Clarisse," he hugged her tight against him. "You take my breath away."
"Joseph… please, I can't…" The tears ran down her face again and she reached up to rub her eyes. "I can't."
"Why not?" He whispered gently kissing her cheek.
"Because." The words caught in her throat and she swallowed again trying to gain some kind of control over herself. "Because I'm afraid." She angrily wiped at her face, her tears becoming erratic as she shook in his arms. "I'm afraid."
"Shh, my darling." He squeezed her body to his, reached down and folded his fingers with hers. "My love. I'm here, I'll do whatever I can."
She closed her eyes and leant her head back onto his shoulder taking huge gulps of the winter air.
"Take me some place." She snuffled, finally opening her eyes and blinking away the tears.
"Hmm." He kissed her neck, softly, repeatedly.
"Take me away somewhere."
He rested his chin on her shoulder. "Where would you like to go?"
"Anywhere…"
"How about England?"
She laughed lightly, at odds with her teary expression. "Yes."
"How about Devon?"
"Mmm, yes, home."
"Would you show me around?"
"Yes."
He kissed the side of her head. "Long walks?"
"Yes, and then when we return home…"
"…which is a little old cottage." He interrupted.
"Yes, when we returned to our cottage we would sit in front of the fire, and roast marshmallows."
This time he laughed. "Okay, marshmallows, and kisses?"
Her voice dropped. "Yes."
He squeezed her waist and she closed her eyes again.
"Stay with me tonight." He breathed into her hair.
She swallowed, battled her own desire to be with him against the uncertainty in her heart. "I can't."
He nodded his head in agreement; he already knew what her answer would be. "Then stay with me for a while. Here. Just let me hold you for a while and pretend that all this…" he gestured out to the view. "That all this doesn't matter, only we do, only you do."
She took a deep breath before turning back to him. Straightening his collar she nodded her consent and lifted her mouth to his again. He drew her inside and closed the balcony doors, the room, she realised, felt slightly chilly. She allowed him to lead her to the oversized couch and quickly sat down.
Joseph surprised her by stooping to remove her shoes; he cradled her feet in his hands and massaged her ankles before he moved to sit with her. They twisted and turned trying to find a comfortable position before finally his arms found the right angle around her waist and her head rested against his chest. They lay tangled together on the couch in the darkness, the only sound of Joseph's hand tracing circles on Clarisse's arm.
"We didn't even speak." Clarisse whispered into the dark room. "He just held me, it had been so long since I'd been held, if in fact I'd ever been held in such way."
She quietened, slightly embarrassed by her revelations.
Rose reached out from beneath the blanket that covered both of their legs until she found Clarisse's hand. Folding their fingers together she stroked her sister's hand reassuringly.
"You don't have to hide anything from me. I didn't realise…" She said gently.
"Didn't realise what?" Clarisse managed to choke out.
"That it was real, deeply real. That my little sister finally found someone."
"Yes, only he turned out to be wrong, or I did." She shook her head. "I was delusional to think it could ever be anything more. We inhabit two very different worlds."
"Yet you stayed until April?"
"May actually, I went to France for a while, to hide away." Clarisse yawned. "Goodness I'm tired."
"Then sleep, we can finish this tomorrow."
"Yes… tomorrow." Clarisse said sleepily as her head fell back to the cushion.
Sorry to end at such a point - promise next chapter will be up soon. xx Rhonda
