Chapter Thirteen - A Starry Night
Author's Note: Just a quick note before you guys start reading, I have been rewriting and updating Already Home. So far, I've done chapters 1-22. Not much is changed, if you guys don't have time to reread it or just don't want to, I understand it's a lot haha... Anyways you can still understand this story if you've decided not to reread Already Home.
Next update will hopefully be before July!
The sky was a pale-blue with a frosty chill and hardly a cloud in the sky as Remus, dressed in his old threadbare, brown robes, and Gryffindor scarf, cheered on the Gryffindor Quidditch team as they assembled out to their names being called. Severus was sitting besides Remus, wearing his usual black robes and his Slytherin scarf. Sitting together on the very back of the stands, on the top row, they had a very good vantage point of the skies.
"Without Draco Malfoy as Seeker, this game should be quick and easy." Minerva McGonagall winked at Severus. She was just passing by them on the way down to her seat next to Zacharias Smith, who was commentating today's match.
Severus scowled. "I didn't boot him off the team for your benefit, Minerva!" But she didn't answer as she took her seat. Then Severus said to Remus, "That trophy needs to come back to my office, if Minerva gets it another year…"
"The captains are about to shake hands! Look at our kid, Severus!" Remus whispered proudly out of earshot, only for Severus to hear. Remus was hoping to pull Severus out of the grumpy mood he'd been in during the past week, since he was forced to replace Malfoy's Seeker position on the Slytherin team.
"I know, I see him," Severus whispered back, his eyes on Harry stepping forward ahead of his team, dressed in his Gryffindor Quidditch robes, and holding onto his Firebolt. "Slytherin could really use Harry on their team. I mean he's sort of an honorary Slytherin now that he lives with me in the dungeons."
"No, you're not taking our captain!" Remus laughed as they watched Harry shake hands with the new Slytherin Captain, Urquhart. "You'll have to get past me and Minerva!"
"Everyone, mount your brooms! The game's about to start!" Madame Hooch commanded under the Amplifying Charm. "Now, take off on my whistle…three…two… one!"
The shrill sound of the whistle split the excitement-filled air, followed by louder cheering from the spectators on the stands. Blurs of red and green shot up into the air.
"Come on, Harry, show those Slytherin slimeballs what you're made of!" Remus called out, watching Harry soaring up fast through the frosty air, and zooming around the Quidditch field, no doubt in search for the golden snitch already. For a brief second, Remus couldn't help but feel like he was back in the past, watching James flying around the field like that as a Chaser.
Harry suddenly zoomed past the faculty stands, followed by the Slytherin Seeker, ruffling the hair and loose articles of clothing of the Professors and staff.
"Come on, son, go easy on my team," Severus muttered. His voice so low against the cheers of the faculty, that Remus was the only one able to hear him.
Ignoring Zacharias Smith's biased commentary of Harry on his choice of having Ron as Keeper, Remus turned his gaze onto the quaffle, just in time to see Ron saving Gryffindor from a Slytherin score. The quaffle was then taken by Dean Thomas, flying his way through the Slytherin Chasers, dodging a bludger aimed at his head just in time, and passed the quaffle along to Ginny. She scored so fast, the Slytherin Keeper barely had any time to react.
Remus cheered along with the Gryffindor supporters at the sound of the score bell. Severus scowled at the Slytherin team.
Remus laughed and nudged his shoulder with his own. "How about we make a bet?"
"No, my team is already getting slammed!" Severus scowled again at the bell ringing for another Gryffindor score.
"It'll be in your favor," Remus laughed. "Whoever's team wins, has to buy the loser a drink."
Severus tore his eyes away from the game, gazing down at Remus who grinned mischievously.
Severus shook his head in exasperation. "Fine, Lupin. If you're so confident about Slytherin losing, then you're on!"
"Let's shake on it," Remus chuckled, holding out his hand.
"Is that really necessary?"
"Yes."
"Merlin, your hand is cold!" Severus suddenly held onto Remus' hands, rubbing them for warmth. "Why are you always cold?"
Remus for a moment, couldn't answer. His heart just leaped out of his chest. He could only stare at Severus, lost in a daze.
Suddenly another sound of the score bell for Gryffindor rang loudly, pulling Remus back to reality. He pulled his hands away, shoving them in the pockets of his robes as Remus turned his attention back to the game.
Remus spotted Harry flying around the pitch. It had been a week since Harry's last relapse, and the weekend trip to the cabin. Severus was right. Harry needed to get out of the castle. As soon as Monday morning arrived, Harry had thrown himself into Quidditch practice schedules, spending every evening preparing for this game.
A half hour had passed, and it seemed like Gryffindor was going to have an easy win. They were sixty points to zero. Ginny was a force to be reckon with on that broom, making her a target to Smith's biased commentary. Ron was doing fantastic as well, even joining in on the singing Gryffindor supporters: "Weasley is Our King!"
"Thinks he's something special, today doesn't he?" (J. K Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, pg. 297).
Remus heard the voice, just as he saw Harper, the Slytherin Seeker almost knock Harry off his broom.
"Your blood traitor pal…"(J. K Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, pg. 297)
Harper suddenly flew on ahead.
Remus suppressed a growl deep in his chest at Harper being vile towards his cub. Among the angry protests of Gryffindor supporters, Remus shouted out, "Get him, Harry, knock him off his broom! Don't let him talk to you that way!" Remus' eyes glued on Harry flying after Harper.
"And you say I'm a bad influence." Severus gently nudged Remus' shoulder, his eyes on his son.
"Did you hear what Harper just said to him? That nasty little bugger!"
And then suddenly, the stands went quiet. Harper and Harry were racing after the snitch, but Harper was too close. There was no way Harry would catch up in time.
"Oi! Harper!" Remus heard Harry yell out in desperation. "How much did Malfoy pay you to come on instead of him?" (J. K Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, pg. 297).
"That's right, cub! Fight dirty! Give Harper a taste of his old medicine!" Remus shouted.
Harry's jeer distracted Harper, causing him to let the snitch get away from him. Harry took his chance, swiping the golden snitch out of the air.
"Yes!" Harry shouted, followed by the screams coming from the stands around him.
Remus cringed at the loud noise hitting against his sensitive werewolf eardrums, but the pain was worth it to see his cub so full of excitement for his team's win. No one deserved this more than Harry and his strong hard-working team.
"Ginny, where're you going?" Remus heard Harry yell. (J. K Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, pg. 298)
Remus turned his attention on Ginny, who was flying fast towards the faculty stands where Smith was sitting.
"Look out!" Remus shouted. The faculty around Smith screamed, dodging out of the way as she crashed into him.
Harry and the rest of the Gryffindor team joined her on the stands, as she was getting scolded from Minerva. Harry briefly hugged Ginny, laughing at what she'd done. Remus turned towards Severus to see him watching as well.
"It's nice to see him happy," Severus muttered, leaning over, his breath warm against Remus' ear.
Remus tore his eyes away from Harry and his friends, and towards Severus. His face inches away from Severus', close enough to kiss if Remus dared too. "Are you coming to terms with your sad defeat?" he asked innocently.
Severus rolled his eyes. "I need to leave. Seeing Gryffindors this happy is making me sick."
Remus laughed. "Okay, I see you're still being a sore loser… I'll come with you. How about we get some drinks in the village? I owe you one, remember?"
"That sounds wonderful." Severus reached over, pulling gently on the ends of Remus' tattered Gryffindor scarf. "Maybe, I should get you a Slytherin scarf to replace this old thing?"
"Oh no you don't," Remus laughed. "I only accept Gryffindor colors, thank you very much." He then stood up. "Just let me go say congrats to Harry before we leave."
"Can you tell him I'm proud of him? There's too much people around for me to tell him myself. I'm supposed to hate him still," Severus said as he stood up as well.
"Of course I will."
"Thank you, wolf."
Remus could hear in Severus' voice that he was downhearted at the fact that he couldn't congratulate his own son himself. As Remus made his way down the stairs towards the commentator's box, where Harry and his teammates were standing, Remus hoped that perhaps after the war, Severus and Harry wouldn't have to act like enemies out in public any longer.
After congratulating the Weasleys and the rest of the team, Remus pulled Harry into a big bear hug, the ones Sirius used to give. And maybe it was because of the excitement of winning the game or he was among people who loved him, Harry didn't flinch away. He accepted the hug with one in return for Remus.
"That was a James Potter/Sirius Black move, if I've ever seen one!" Remus praised his cub.
Harry grinned sheepishly. "I was desperate!"
"I'm proud of you and your teammates, Harry, congrats! You guys really deserve this win."
Harry laughed. "Thanks, Remus."
Remus pulled Harry away from the others, casually pointing Severus out of the moving crowd. Severus was standing at the stairwell ready to leave.
"Severus wanted to tell you himself that he's proud of you. He just couldn't with everyone around."
"I understand." Harry looked up, catching Severus' eye, who gave him a quick and small smile.
"Is he upset about Slytherin losing?" Harry asked, switching his attention back to Remus.
"You bet!" Remus laughed. "Go, have fun with your friends tonight. You deserve it, cub. I'll take care of the old man, take him down to the village for a drink or two. We'll see you later."
"That was some game!" Remus exclaimed as he and Severus walked down the path towards Hogsmeade. The sun providing them with minimal warmth as Remus and Severus walked far ahead of the celebrating Hogwarts professors who've had the same idea as them.
"Did you see Ron saving those goals? And Ginny! She could really join a professional team one day if she wanted to. She had the Slytherin Chasers scared out of their wits. And Harper, that slimy Slytherin! I'm glad Harry had to resort to playing dirty to catch the snitch, gave Harper a taste of his old medicine!"
"Are you done?" Severus snapped.
"You're just being a sore loser," Remus huffed.
Severus only rolled his eyes. "Merlin…" he muttered. "I thought book nerds like you didn't care for Quidditch."
"I only care for it when my cub is on the team," Remus grinned. "But you have to admit, Severus, Harry really pulled his team together. Especially with Ron being a mess during his first game. And what Harry has told me, how he's like during practice… I guess Ron had some sort of confidence boost today. And replacing Katie Bell with Dean Thomas, that boy is another talented one in the air. I understand now why Harry felt threatened by Thomas…"
"Yeah, I see your point. I'm proud of Harry, especially after everything that's happened. He really does deserve the win, I just wish it wasn't against Slytherin. If only Draco would've pulled his act together in time and completed his missing assignments, showed up for detention for once, and stop sleeping in class, then maybe Slytherin could've had a chance!"
"Malfoy sounds like he isn't doing so well…"
"It's the task…he won't let me help him. He keeps pushing me away. I'm so close to just giving up, letting him fuck it up… And then he could see how stupid he's being!"
Remus was the only Order member who knew of the task. Without Albus' knowledge Severus had told him about it very briefly, not giving much away, and again, Remus didn't ask questions. He knew Severus had no choice, he knew Severus wasn't allowed to reveal that information. It frustrated Remus sometimes to know that Severus had secrets from him. Everyday Remus was opening up more to Severus. Severus knew a lot about him, yet Remus didn't know much about him.
"Severus…"
"I don't know what to do, Remus."
"Just don't give up on him."
"I'm trying not to."
The village was covered in snow when Severus and Remus arrived, the crowd of Hogwarts professors behind them turned their direction to the Three Broomsticks. Remus and Severus searching for a quieter place, headed towards the Hogshead. The village wasn't as full as it should've been for a Saturday, Remus guessed with the war growing closer each day, more people just stayed at home these days, only going out when necessary.
"Drinks on me, Slytherin loser," Remus teased.
They'd spent the afternoon eating lunch and drinking spiked butterbeer in honor of Harry's win, lost in easy conversation about their work week.
Once they were done, they've decided to go to the bookshop. Severus had immediately disappeared, talking about searching for new books from one of his favorite Potions Masters.
Remus wandered through the aisles of dusty books, finding himself in the used-book section filled with fictional books meant for teens. Remus loved reading them when he was in school. When he wasn't reading books on his favorite subjects, he was lost in these. No one knew of his guilty pleasure on fantasy and adventure fiction, except for the other Marauders. They used to tease Remus relentlessly for it.
Carefully fingering the spines, Remus suddenly found a dark-blue book with a black wolf under a silver moon sewn onto the spine. It reminded Remus of his recent reoccurring dreams of himself as Moony, running after a small, black wolf that was always leading him out of the dark forest, chasing a light ahead of the path, yet never reaching it. Remus pulled the book out, flipping over the pages, the scent of old and dusty books invading his senses. Remus found a spot on the windowsill, and soon lost himself in the story.
It was almost like a fairytale, a wolf destined to be the next alpha of his pack, falls in love with a human princess. He desperately wanted to become human, in only to meet her. He didn't want the path set out for him, he wanted to choose his own destiny. And encountering an old hag who was the guardian of the moon in disguise, the wolf made a deal. He gave up his soul to the moon, so that he could become human. As long as he turned back into a wolf every full moon.
Remus was so entranced by the story, that he didn't realize how much time had passed. Severus found him, carrying a stack of wrapped-up books in his hands.
"There you are… What book have you lost yourself in?" Severus eyed the shelves around them. "Is this the teen section?"
"It's nothing…" Remus quickly said, feeling embarrassed for reading a fantasy book meant for teenagers. Remus stood up, stretching his sore limbs, then placed the book back on the bookshelf. "Ready to go?"
"Almost…" Severus said, eyeing the book Remus left behind, but not asking anything about it. "I'll meet you outside, I have one more question to ask the clerk."
They walked back towards Hogwarts in a comfortable silence. The air was growing colder, the sky becoming darker as they climbed up the hill. Once they were at the top, they were met with a distant view of the Shrieking Shack. Remus suddenly stopped, leaning on the wooden fence, staring out at the shack.
"It's strange to see it from the outside sometimes," Remus admitted as Severus leaned on the fence besides him. "At least in there, I had some light… The cage my father built in the cellar was completely dark."
"I wish there was a better way to handle your changes. I see no reason to just have you do it in the Room of Requirement. It can accommodate the wolf by turning into a forest. Also, the Wolfsbane Potion allows you to keep most of your mind."
"You know that can't happen. The school board wants me in the shack. I'm lucky that they're even still allowing me to teach, better not push it."
Severus turned towards Remus, his dark eyes suddenly shy. "Remus, I bought you this," he said softly, handing Remus a wrapped-up book.
"Severus, you didn't have to do that!" Surprised, Remus turned his body towards Severus, his eyes on the wrapped parcel.
Severus shrugged. "The way you were lost in it, I think I did." He handed it out to Remus. "Please take it."
Remus nodded, still in shock of Severus buying him a book. He took the parcel and opened it. It was the blue book with the sewn wolf on its spine.
"Severus, thank you...for thinking of me..." Remus stuttered out.
"You know you don't have to hide anything from me," Severus said, his dark eyes reading Remus' reaction.
"And I should say the same for you," Remus said, before he could stop himself.
"You know why I can't… I'm bound to Albus Dumbledore, bound by the Dark Lord," Severus frowned, his eyes back on the Shrieking Shack. "And I know you think I'm brave to do what I do, Remus, there are terrible crimes that I've done in my past, with possibly more to follow just so I don't lose my cover. If you knew…if you knew what I've done…would you look at me the same way? Would you turn away from me? You see yourself as a monster, but compared to me, you're just a puppy. You didn't choose to be a werwolf or to hurt those kids. My choices led me to this situation I'm in, and there's no escaping it. If it were my choice, I wouldn't be doing this for the war. I wouldn't be keeping secrets from you. You'll know everything about me… But like I said, I'm bounded to them, to their war… I'm so sorry that you feel like I'm hiding things from you."
"I understand, Severus, that's why I'm not holding it against you, but…" and Remus stopped speaking, trying to figure out what he wanted to say.
Severus turned his gaze to Remus, his eyes were dark against his pale skin, reading Remus as he spoke. Severus' dark hair framed his face, with a few strands blowing in the gentle breeze. And Remus was able to see a glimpse of Severus without hiding his emotions behind that mental mask. Remus could see the pain and fear he carried inside of him. And in those eyes, Remus could see the longing in Severus to open up and tell Remus all of his flaws, his past crimes, and the things he was forced to see and do as a Death Eater. Severus was so much like Remus. They were both flawed and broken together, because of lost love, because of the war.
And seeing all of that in those dark eyes, Remus couldn't help but notice how beautiful Severus looked to him in that very moment, with his green Slytherin scarf against his black robes, leaning on the fence. Remus knew the things Severus was hiding were dark, horrid, but he still wanted to know. Remus wanted to know everything about Severus Snape, or at least what he was allowed to. He'll take what he could get. Remus understood…the war…it took a lot out of them, even the chance of a normal relationship.
And wondering what it would be like to run his hand through that dark hair, to cup Severus' cheek, and kiss those lips that looked so warm and inviting, Remus said softly, "I want to know you, Severus, like you know me."
"You may not like me if you knew… I've been meaning to ask… Do you still ever see me as Snivellus…the way you and your friends used too?"
Remus shook his head. "No, I don't ever see you as that kid anymore. You are different now, Severus. And I want to learn the person you've become, the person you hide behind that mask of yours."
"My mask?"
"Yes, you only take down it in front of Harry, and sometimes me…"
Severus smiled. "You're making me sound mad, like I'm two different people."
Remus laughed. "Join the club, Severus, why do you think Peeves calls me Loony Lupin?"
"Cus you're mad?"
Remus shrugged. Severus only continued to smile at Remus, with his dark gaze shyly meeting his eyes, filling Remus' stomach with butterflies.
"Are you sure you want to know everything about me? Think about what you're asking, Remus, I've done unspeakable things in my past."
"Wasn't it your words, Severus? You said we both have flaws, we've both done things we wish we can change. You once said you saw the person I was. I want to see you too. And if you're afraid of me changing my mind, of not liking who you are based on what you've done in the past when you were a dumb kid, or because you've had no choice as a Death Eater, I think I'm the best person to understand. You are so different from the kid I knew at school, you've gone through major character growth."
"You've been reading too many fictional novels," Severus muttered. "What is your book about anyways?"
"It's a fairy tale, it starts off with a pack of wolves. They have their own society, their own beliefs and customs. This young wolf, son of the Alpha, he falls in love with a human princess. And so he howls and howls to the moon, pleading to turn him human for one night just so he could meet the princess. That's all I've gotten to… It's a fantasy novel that explains the myth of werewolves, I think…"
"I never knew you to be into those types of books. Although, I did see your collection at the cabin."
"My mom used to like reading them with me when I was a kid. A lot of these books always involved some kind of curse that needs to be broken, characters that always go on some type of journey that changes them, and sometimes that journey leads them to not only change in their lives, or answers about their past, or serious character growth, it leads them to love. A lot of these books talk about true love breaking any curse. When I was no older than eight or nine, I used to believe that might happen to me, that a true love's kiss would break the curse I was in. This is so embarrassing to admit this, Severus, you'll really think I'm loony…" Remus stopped, thinking if he should tell him or not. Severus' eyes were already dancing with laughter, not saying a word as he listened to Remus ramble on about fairy tales.
Remus was suddenly filled with embarrassment. "No… Never mind… I don't think I can tell you. Not even my friends knew this."
"Wait, not even Black or Potter knew about this? Remus!" Severus suddenly grabbed him by the shoulders, his face close to Remus, their eyes connecting as Severus said, "You have to tell me! I'll tell you anything you want, if you do. Anything reasonable that is…you know I'm limited."
"Severus, who would've thought you were so easy to blackmail," Remus laughed.
"Remus, do you want me to open up to you or not?" Severus scowled.
"Okay, fine. We have a deal!" Remus laughed. Once he was able to speak again, he continued, "So I was just a kid, maybe eight or nine, whose head was filled with these types of fairy tales." Remus indicated the blue book in his hands. "This is the most embarrassing thing I've kept to myself, Severus, I'm trusting you to not tell anyone."
"Remus, you are basically my only friend. Who am I going to tell? Stop prolonging this and just tell me!"
Remus smirked, Severus Snape was pretty cute when heated like this. Severus' hands were warm on Remus' shoulders, his grip tight, causing Remus' heart to skip beats.
"Okay…okay…fine… I was just a kid…a very imaginative kid. Remember that before you start making fun of me. I...I used to run around with a homemade cape my mom made me. I even had a cool cardboard sword wrapped in foil, pretending I was a hero on an adventure, to break the curse I was in."
Severus still holding onto Remus, suddenly started laughing at Remus' confession. He was laughing so hard, he was wheezing for air. Remus had never seen Severus laugh like that. It wasn't a cruel laugh, it was a real belly laugh that caused Remus to laugh along with him.
"I'm sorry, Remus, just picturing you running around with a cape and sword as a little kid! That is so fucking adorable! Okay, you've earned it. I'll finally tell you anything you want to know!"
"You think I'm cute?" Remus smirked.
Severus was suddenly quiet, gazing at Remus. "What if I said yes?" he said softly.
Severus reached up, gently brushing Remus' hair away from eyes. His hand cupping his cheek, then sliding down to rest on the nape of Remus' neck. Severus' skin against his own was like an electric current. It sent sparks though Remus' heart, making it stop beating for that brief moment. Remus suddenly felt frozen, lost in those obsidian black eyes.
And suddenly the world around them was non-existent, except for those eyes, those dark eyes, still dancing with laughter. And Remus just didn't think about it. Before he knew it, he was leaning in, closing his eyes, and pressing his lips against Severus' own, kissing him softly. Severus slowly kissed him back, his lips, warm, soft, and cautious. Remus felt his heart soaring, felt his soul reaching out, longing to be closer. He couldn't even feel the spirit of his wolf inside him, it was lost in the heated moment. Then they finally broke apart, for a moment Remus and Severus couldn't speak, all they could do was look into each other's eyes.
"Well, that laugh of yours was cute…" Remus finally said in a breathless whisper. He could feel Severus' hand still resting tightly on the nape of his neck, as if he were holding on to Remus for balance.
And suddenly, they were kissing again. Remus didn't even know who started it. This time they kissed deeper, more desperately. Severus' hand was now in Remus' hair, the other tightly holding onto his waist. Remus' hands were clinging on to Severus' robes, with a stomach full of butterflies, his legs numb, and his heart beating fast. And Remus suddenly needed to feel Severus as close against him as possible. It was as if Severus suddenly knew what Remus was thinking, for he roughly pulled Remus close against him, with no space in between, and his tongue shoving its way into Remus' mouth. Then suddenly they pulled apart, breathless, with red lips, and messy hair.
"I think I'm falling in love with you…" Severus blurted out, out of breath and in shock.
Those words shocked Remus to his core, he stepped away from Severus. Reality was crashing down on him, snapping him out of his daze from the make-out session they'd just shared. What was he doing? He couldn't do this again! He couldn't fall in love! He was too broken! Remus had blood on his hands, and the deep rooted pain that Remus held inside from the loss of Sirius was still there inside his heart. He couldn't start anything with Severus, not when he was still holding on to that pain and fear. He had to let it go…he had to go… I have to get out of here! Was all Remus could think of now. Remus backed away, not really seeing anything in front of him, not really hearing what Severus was saying to him, as he Disapperated, leaving Severus alone on that snowy path.
Remus found himself in front of Number 12 Grimmauld Place, but he couldn't go inside. Sirius hated this place, Remus hated this place. It was where their relationship deteriorated. The nastiest fights they've ever had happened here. He didn't even know why he came here, he didn't know where he was going. The only thing Remus knew, was that he had to get himself far away from Severus and those dark eyes, and his whispered… I think I'm falling in love with you… Chasing those whispered words out of his head, Remus Disapperated once more, and appeared into a muggle alleyway somewhere in muggle London. Without thinking, Remus quickly walked to the nearest pub.
Remus spent the rest of the evening in a lonely booth in the back of a pub. The hood of his robes was up, hiding his face. Remus didn't want to be found or bothered by anyone. He just wanted to be left alone as he drank away his heartache and fear of falling in love again, drank away the monstrous and broken parts of him. Remus kept repeating to himself all of the reasons why he couldn't fall in love again. He kept reminding himself how bad things got with Sirius in the end, and how it left Remus so broken… He didn't think he could ever be the same again. And Remus just wanted to drink until he couldn't remember any of it, until he couldn't feel anymore, until he was so flat out drunk, he didn't even know who he was anymore.
But this was Severus…a small voice in the back of Remus' mind said. Severus who had saved his life countless times now. Severus who had seen all the bad parts of Remus. Who also had bad parts inside of him, who was just as broken as Remus, and Severus was still falling in love with him. They were the same, their souls needed each other to heal their broken parts. Remus knew that deep down inside, that this was meant to happen. It was written in the stars as soon as Severus had saved Remus in that cellar all those months ago.
And as Remus put his drink back down onto the table, he thought of those dark eyes, the sound of Severus' laugh, his deep voice, and how warm and sturdy Severus' body felt pressed against him. Remus thought of the electric charge he felt when Severus touched him, brushing aside the hair from his face, and his hand at the back of his neck. And how the world seemed to stop spinning when they had kissed.
Remus thought of the time they've been spending together, the deep conversations they've had over tea. The love they both share for Harry, their kid… The very fact that Severus was willing to open up to Remus about his own mysterious past, his mask finally breaking into pieces for just Remus and no one else. Thinking about all of that, and thinking about their first two kisses, and how Remus cowardly pushed Severus away…denying the sparks growing between them… Remus knew he couldn't run from his feelings anymore. The fear he held deep inside had to go, for his feelings for Severus wasn't just a fleeting infatuation. Remus was falling in love too… and that scared him so deeply and painfully.
Falling in love. Being in love. Fighting for that love to remain strong, just to end up losing that love to death, had burned Remus so bad. It left scorch marks in his heart. Remus knew he was never going to recover from the loss of Sirius, and he accepted that. The pain was always going to be there. He could live with that, but the fear. Remus had to let it go. He had to stop walking around like a ghost in the corridors, afraid to love, afraid to live and be happy. Severus deserved a chance, he had proved it over and over again, and now it was time for Remus to be brave. Because he knew this thing between them was never going to go away, and the only way to fix this situation was for Remus to let go of his fear, let go of the memory of Sirius, and start over with Severus. For there was no way he and Severus could be just merely friends now, not after that kiss, not after those breathless words, and Remus wasn't willing to let Severus go. He was choosing Severus…he was letting himself fall in love with Severus…and he was going to be brave.
And as Remus let himself forget all of his reasons to not fall in love, he realized, if he did this, if he let himself fall for Severus, then the love between him and Sirius would be forever over. They'll never be able to reunite in the after life, because Remus was choosing Severus. And Remus had to let that promise for Sirius go. And that thought was so painful, Remus felt tears well up from the inside of his eyes. Tears sliding down his cheeks, Remus hurriedly wiped them away, making sure his face was still covered in the shadows of his hood. Sirius was the past, part of his boyhood, first love that changed him forever. Now, Severus was a new start that molded better to the person Remus was today.
What would Sirius think about Remus choosing Severus? Falling in love with the one person Sirius hated the most? Sirius must be rolling over in his grave at the thought, probably thinking Remus had betrayed him! And Remus realized, he was okay with that. If Sirius hated his choice… It didn't mean anything, because they were over. Their relationship was forever lost in the past, never to be recovered again. And at that thought, Remus drank and drank, until he began to feel the dizzying effects of too much alcohol. Then Remus forced himself to return back to Hogwarts so he could pass out in his bed.
Remus was dreaming. He knew he was dreaming, but why was this place so familiar? He was sitting on a bench, with a red steam train in front of him. This was different from his usual dreams and nightmares, yet it was so familiar. Then Remus turned around and Sirius was there next to him, speaking to him, and Remus was speaking in return, without any control of what he was saying or feeling, as if he were watching a scene play out through the eyes of a past version of himself.
"Don't be afraid to let your heart... love another…"
"Sirius? No…." Remus felt his heart breaking into pieces at those words.
"Moony... I'm serious..." Sirius insisted, hugging him tighter, as if he hated what he was saying, hated that he had to let go. Pain tore at Remus' shattered heart. He wished so much that Sirius would stop, not finish what he was trying to say...
"Sirius..."
"I want you to be happy. So if you do find another, don't be afraid of what I might think. Don't be afraid if you have to let me go. Just know that I'll always love you, no matter what, even if you decide to give your heart to someone else."
Then suddenly, Remus was awake, breathing heavily in the darkness. That dream…it wasn't a normal dream. It was a memory… And Sirius had given Remus his blessing long ago. Feeling the effects of his body coming down from the alcohol, with the walls around him swaying, Remus whispered the hardest thing he ever had to say. "It's over, Padfoot. We've been over for a long time…"
The week had dragged on. Remus avoided Severus. He was too embarrassed to explain away his sudden departure after being the one to initiate the first kiss. And it seemed like Severus was doing the same. The few times Remus braved it out of his quarters to eat his meals at the Great Hall, Severus was hardly there. And when he was, he was always leaving when he saw Remus entering, never looking at him, and Remus completely understood Severus' behavior. This thing growing between them was strong, they both knew it, and they both had their slip ups. Severus had apologized for that night in the cabin, when he pulled Remus close to him in front of the fireplace. And Remus couldn't be brave enough to do the same.
Remus knew Severus would accept his apology, like Remus had accepted his. There was no reason to be afraid, but Remus couldn't bring himself to do it. Their friendship was completely changed now, there was no coming back from that cold evening on the hill, with the Shrieking Shack in the distance. Now they had to address the feelings that have been brewing between them lately, the unspoken tension whenever they were together, and Remus couldn't even deny the flirting between them. Once he willed himself to speak to Severus, Remus knew he was going to fall for him hard. And Remus knew deep down he was ready for it, to fall so deep into love again, to risk the possibility of getting hurt again, to risk never being the same again… All of it... He was ready to take the chance, only with Severus… Merlin…he wanted Severus…but Remus was having trouble taking that very last leap to finally bring them together.
It was the weekend again, and Remus was laying on his side on the sofa in the living room of his quarters. Staring into the fireplace with his muggle notebook in his hands. The page it was open to had nothing but crossed-out sentences from Remus trying to find the words to describe that he was ready to accept what love had to offer, the good and the bad, but everything kept coming out stupid. And so, Remus just ended up moping about in his quarters, with his thoughts constantly on Severus, and the kiss they shared, the whispered words: I think I'm falling in love with you…
"Remus?"
Tonks' voice ripped Remus out of his thoughts, and he was crashing back down to reality, followed by a knock on his portrait door. Remus sat up quickly, his notebook falling to the floor.
"Just hang on a second!" Remus called out, rushing to his bedroom and throwing on some robes over his muggle jeans and t-shirt. Remus hadn't left his quarters at all today, since Friday in fact, and he didn't have the energy to fully dress into wizard attire. He looked into his bathroom mirror, rinsing his face and smoothing out his messy golden and grey hair, until he felt decent enough to let Tonks in.
Remus opened the portrait door to find Tonks standing out in the corridor, wearing a dark-green winter coat, black skinny jeans and boots. Her long hair was purple and wavy, flowing down her back. Like Remus sometimes, Tonks was never one to settle for just wizard attire. Remus kinda felt silly for throwing his robes on now.
"Wotcher, Remus, did you forget about our jam session today?"
"I could never forget you, Tonks," Remus grinned.
"Right…" Tonks narrowed her eyes at him. "Are you okay? You look like you haven't left your quarters all weekend. What's with the five o'clock shadow?"
Remus shrugged her questions off by giving her a quick hug. "Do you plan on standing out here all day? Come on, we have a jam session, remember? Want anything to drink? I think I have wine."
"Yes, that sounds lovely!"
Remus went into the kitchen to pour two glasses. "Take a seat!" he called out, trying to pull himself together, and stop thinking about Severus.
Tonks sat down, looking at the mess of paperwork and empty tea mugs covering his coffee table. "What are you working on?" she asked.
"I'm doing some cross-referencing on the Dark Arts and Potions. It's for some Potions assignment for Slughorn's third years. He's going to stop by and pick it up later. I've just finished it, so we're free to jam out now."
"Good, because you know how much I really hate Potions."
"I know you do." Remus appeared, handing a glass of wine to Tonks.
"Thank you, sweetie," she winked.
Remus blushed.
"I don't mean to snoop, but is this something you're writing?" Tonks picked up Remus' notebook off from the floor, showing him the page it was open to.
"Yeah…it's…" Remus shrugged, suddenly feeling embarrassed and slightly annoyed at her for reading the small chorus that he wrote. It was private. He hadn't meant to leave it out for Tonks to see. That was the song he was working on for Severus. Remus had no idea where he was going with it. And ever since they had kissed, Remus was hit with writer's block. He had been spending lonely evenings staring at his notebook, trying to figure out how to describe the torrent of emotions inside of him. Things he wanted to say to Severus, but didn't know how… Suddenly fed up with the frustration of himself being blocked, Remus realized, maybe he could use Tonks' help.
"It's this song I'm writing, but I have major writer's block. I'm stuck… Maybe I could use your help."
Remus watched Tonks read the lyrics again. "These are very deep, Remus, I can see this turning into something good! Of course I'll help you!" Tonks then looked up at Remus, her blue eyes turning into a hazel color. "Is this for someone special?" she asked.
Remus didn't answer that question. He picked up his guitar, strumming the strings, showing her the beat of the chorus. "Show me what you got, Tonks."
"It's for someone special, isn't it? You prat! Why won't you tell me who the lucky girl is?"
"Are we doing our jam session or not?" Remus laughed.
And her voice was powerful. Remus wasn't prepared for it. He was in awe. And it convinced him even more to let Tonks help him write this song, even though the small voice in the back of his mind was telling him how much Severus disliked her. And Remus remembered the argument he and Severus once had over Tonks. Severus can't choose my friends!
And for a good couple of hours, they worked together on the song. Tonks made Remus drink enough wine to help him dish out everything he'd been feeling for his mystery crush, until they finally had a good set of lines.
Fall on me
With open arms
Fall on me
From where you are
Fall on me
With all your light
With all your light
With all your light
Sooner or later it all comes apart
The walls are all shattered, I'm back at the start
And I'm willing to follow this
Wherever it goes
The heart has its reasons that nobody knows
They were both singing the lyrics together, trying to find the right beat on the guitar, when suddenly they were interrupted by a knock on the door.
"Remus, my boy!" It was Slughorn, letting himself in.
"Horace!" Remus greeted, putting down his guitar. Then standing up, picking up the scrolls the Potions Professor had come for.
"No, no, don't you two stop on the account of me. I didn't know you two were such good singers," Slughorn said, standing by the portrait door.
"We were actually just about wrapping this up. I should get going, we'll work on this again, next weekend?" Tonks asked Remus, as she stood up, putting on her green coat.
"Yeah," Remus agreed, really liking the new set of lyrics they had created together.
"Wait, wait, Tonks, don't go just yet. I'm planning a Christmas party before term ends, and one of my entertainments fell through. Would you two like to play that song to fill in that missing spot? It's really something. I think that song's exactly what I'm missing."
"I don't…I don't know, Horace," Remus muttered, his face blushing in embarrassment at the thought of singing this in front of everyone.
"Remus, is she going to be there? The girl you're writing the song for, is she going to be at the party?" Tonks asked.
"I don't know, there's a possibility…" Remus muttered, hating that Slughorn was listening to their conversation about his crush, especially that the walrus-sized man was a known gossiper. The last thing Remus needed were rumors about him crushing on someone spreading around the school like wild fire. Then Severus would certainly never speak to him again.
Remus didn't even bother to correct Tonks when she kept assuming his crush was a girl. He didn't want to give anything away. He couldn't let her know who this song really was for. And Remus was sure that Severus would be at Slughorn's party, just like how all the other staff members and Slug Club students would be.
"Remus, if there is even the slightest chance that she'll be there, you have to do it."
"No, Tonks! Excuse me, Horace, just let me and Tonks talk about this in the kitchen before we agree to anything, okay?" Remus grabbed Tonks by the shoulders, pulling her to the kitchen with him.
"Tonks!" Remus said once they were out of earshot from Horace. "I can't do it! This song…it's too special. I can't play it in front of everyone!"
"Yes, Remus, it is special! And it needs to be heard, just imagine our voices together, imagine her watching you sing this, think of what could happen? This could change things between you two, what if this is what pulls you two together? And what if you don't do this? And you guys never get the chance, and you end up alone, with your unheard, unfinished song, like some crazy, reclusive writer. Remus, do you really want that for yourself? Do you really want to be a crazy old man, alone? And wondering what could've happened if you would've just showed her?!"
"Tonks!"
"Remus! This song needs to be finished! It needs to be sung for the person you're writing it for! You're right, it's too special! Too special to be kept away half written in a notebook, forgotten and unheard!"
Remus sighed, glaring at Tonks. He thought of Severus and how badly Remus just wanted to go to him, how the past week of not speaking to Severus tortured him. And the nights were the worst. Remus couldn't sleep, always just laying in the darkness of his room, replaying the kiss over and over in his head, wondering if Severus was awake like him. Why couldn't Remus just go to Severus and tell him how he felt? Why was this so hard? Why couldn't Remus just be brave? And the thought of speaking to Severus made Remus' stomach feel queasy. Suddenly he was feeling a bit dizzy, chasing away those dark eyes out of his mind, Remus realized maybe he had too much wine. And maybe Tonks was right, maybe this song could tell Severus everything that Remus was afraid to say.
Remus sighed in defeat, his eyes staring into Tonks' stubborn hazel eyes. She was so insistent on this to happen. She was so much like Sirius…stubborn, strong-willed, never backing down when she wanted something. Maybe that's why Remus enjoyed her friendship, Sirius' spirit lived on in her.
"Okay, fine! But you are singing it with me! There's no way I'm doing this on my own! And you're doing most of it! I'll just mainly be the man playing the guitar!"
"Yes!" Tonks screamed jumping up and down. "Yes! Yes! I'm so excited! Okay, we have only weeks to get this together! That means I'm coming here almost every weekend, until this thing is finished and perfect. Is that okay with you?"
"Yes!" Remus laughed as she hugged him tight. "Why am I getting the feeling, that I'll never be able to say no to you?"
"Horace, we're doing it!" Tonks called out, rushing back to the living room to tell Slughorn the good news.
What did I get myself into? Remus thought as he poured himself another glass of wine. But Remus knew for Severus, it was all worth it.
With the weekend over and a new week beginning, Remus found himself with little energy and in a deep depressive mood as he made his way through his lessons and office hours. Skipping dinner, Remus was sitting in his office, grading the essays on boggarts from his third years, which led Remus to remembering how he and Severus found the boggart in the D.A Club classroom, the one his third years were going to practice on later during the week. Remus sighed, remembering their conversations that day, the easy friendship, before everything got so messed up.
After a couple of hours, Remus put down his quill, suddenly feeling too restless to grade another essay. Stretching and checking his pocket watch, he realized it was time to look in on how the D.A Club was doing before they finished up in twenty minutes. Remus hadn't had a chance to see Harry during the weekend, and thought maybe seeing his cub would pull him out of his dark and restless mood.
Remus entered the D.A Club classroom to see the students all paired up and practicing jinxes and hexes. Harry was walking around, giving advice to a few of the groups. Quietly, Remus snuck in and sat down on top of one the desks that were pushed to the back, watching his cub proudly. Harry suddenly turned and caught his eye, raising an eyebrow at Remus' sudden appearance, probably wondering where Remus had been for the past three days.
Remus could tell Harry was itching to talk to him, but he couldn't tear himself away from his club members. Remus also noticed that Hermione wasn't around this time, for she was usually the one helping Harry out. He did notice Ron was here and peculiarly attached at the hip with Lavender Brown. Remus wondered when and how that had happened, realizing he must've missed a lot of drama as a consequence to hiding in his quarters so much. Realizing Harry might need help since Hermione was not around, Remus stood up and began walking around the room, offering advice, but not interfering very much. Once the time came for the students to leave, and everyone departed to their common rooms, then Harry was finally able to speak to Remus as they began to straighten up the room a little.
"Where have you been, Remus?" Harry asked as he straightened up the books on the shelves, and Remus started to move the mats and beanbags back to their respectful places with a flick of his wand.
"Just busy with grading, lesson planning…you know…" Remus answered.
Once they were done, Harry picked up his school bag, turning his green eyes to Remus. "Did something happen with you and Severus?"
Remus only shrugged as an answer, not really knowing what to say, not really wanting to tell Harry what happened. "Come on, cub, I'll walk you back to Gryffindor Tower."
They left the classroom, walking in silence for awhile, until Remus finally asked, "Has Severus said anything to you?"
"No, he won't tell me. And he's been in a foul mood lately, especially during Potions," Harry answered, walking besides Remus. "Remus, I know you two are fighting. It's not hard to guess. I've noticed you two avoiding each other, you guys barely look at other. You know it sucks that I have to deal with my best friends fighting right now, with me being stuck in the middle. And now I have to deal with my dads doing the same thing… Can you just fix whatever's going on? I'm going mad here!"
Remus glanced at Harry, knowing he was right. He and Severus had to stop this cold war between them. And the only way how was for Remus to go and apologize. He had to talk to Severus, but not yet…not tonight… Remus wasn't ready just yet.
"I'm sorry, cub, I'll fix this. I promise."
Harry only nodded in response. Remus nudged his shoulder gently with his own, causing Harry to look up at him. "You see me as your dad?"
Harry shrugged, his cheeks slightly blushing. "Yeah… Is that okay?"
Remus smiled, and for the first time in a week, he felt a twinge of happiness. "Of course, Harry! You know I love you, right? And I apologize that you're feeling caught in the middle between me and Severus. I'm going to talk to him."
"I… I love you too, Remus," Harry whispered, stopping for a moment, his green eyes down at the floor.
Remus' moment of surprise that Harry actually answered him back this time, went away, replaced by concern in the hurt and worry that was being shown in Harry's demeanor. "Hey…hey, cub… Severus and I are going to be okay. Don't worry about it."
"I had so much fun with you guys at that cabin, and then knowing you guys were there together in the stands watching me play Quidditch. I have a family, you guys are my family. I don't want it to break."
"We are not going to break. I promise you that. Whatever happens between me and Severus, you're always going to be our first priority."
Harry only nodded, running his hand through his messy hair as he continued walking.
"Do you want to update me on the Ron and Hermione drama? I've noticed Hermione missing and Lavender Brown being very close to Ron."
Harry sighed in exasperation at the thought of his best friends, then told Remus everything about what happened after the Quidditch match. How Ron and Lavender Brown kissed in the middle of the common room, and how Hermione saw and ran off. Then Harry found her sitting alone, letting her cry on his shoulder, when Ron and Lavender walked in, looking for a place to snog. Hermione had sent a jink at Ron who now thought Hermione as crazy. Now Ron and Hermione were barely speaking to each other, leaving Harry caught in the middle. Remus could suddenly better understand why Harry was so upset with Remus and Severus fighting.
After Remus walked Harry to Gryffindor Tower, Remus realized he didn't want to return to his quarters just yet. So he detoured his way towards the Astronomy Tower, climbing up the winding steps, out of breath, until he finally reached the top. Remus immediately felt the freezing cold on his face, stinging his cheeks, his breath coming out in a fog, and the stars were so bright and cold, twinkling thousands of miles above him. Not caring that the air was below freezing, and the ground was icy, and the fact that he wasn't wearing robes warm enough for a cold winter night so close to December, Remus climbed up the wall of the ledge, sitting down with his legs hanging down over the open space. He hadn't sat out here in such a long time, the last time was when he was a student himself, just sitting here, gazing at the stars, and thinking about life after school, or his feelings of Sirius, or whatever problems he was going through at that time. Harry was right, Remus had to fix this thing between him and Severus. And Remus made himself a promise to try and talk to him tomorrow.
But how do I apologize? What should I say to Severus, after kissing him, then leaving him alone on that hill, then avoiding him for a week… And when I do talk to him, am I really ready to let myself fall for him? Can I do this again? Am I strong enough? How could those three words change everything between us in just a whispered moment?
There was no moon tonight, only the vast starry sky, and the wolf inside him was silent for once. Remus almost wished it was there to distract himself from his thoughts. He was mentally exhausted from trying to figure out what he should say to Severus, to fix this wedge he'd created between them. Mentally exhausted from berating himself to stop being such a coward, and Remus knew part of the reason why he kept prolonging his apology, was the deep hole of depression he was in. The depression that was causing Remus to hide in his quarters, spending half the day in bed during weekends, and forcing himself up during the school week, barely eating, obsessively keeping busy with his work, the nightmares… And Remus' evenings were spent drinking while staring at the fire cackling in his fireplace, with his notebook on the coffee table, with his stupid song that would be forever unfinished.
Shivering in the cold night air, suddenly Remus heard soft footsteps climbing up the steps to the tower. He took a deep breath, inhaling the scents of a certain shampoo, herbs, potion fumes, coffee, and a certain scent that was only described as Severus…
It was Severus climbing up the winding stairs of the Astronomy Tower. Remus didn't move, he stayed where he was, his gaze on the stars as he mentally tried to prepare himself for the sudden confrontation. How did he find me? How did he know I was here alone? What were the odds of them running into each other on the Astronomy Tower this late at night?
Suddenly the footsteps stopped, and Remus could feel Severus' gaze right behind him, burning into him. Remus' breath suddenly quickened, his heart beating fast, skipping beats. And he thought he was ready, he really thought he was ready to fall in love again, but Remus was overtaken with panic… And everything he wanted to say was gone. Remus didn't know what to do, all he could feel was the heavy darkness inside himself, and how he craved Severus' light…
"It's nice to see you out of your quarters for once…nice to see you're alive," Severus snapped.
Remus took a deep breath, trying to calm his fast-beating heart, knowing he deserved that. He finally found it in himself to turn around slowly, sliding off the wall with his feet hitting the icy-stone floor. Remus shoved his frozen hands into his pockets, staying where he was with his back against the wall of the ledge. And Merlin, Severus was just standing there in his warm-looking, black winter robes, with his dark eyes reflecting the icy stars. Remus just wanted to pull him close and kiss him, and apologize over and over for being so stupid and cowardly, for leaving him on that hill after those three words that must've been very hard for Severus to admit.
"Severus…"
"Do you regret kissing me?"
"No!"
"Then why did you run off?"
"I just freaked… I didn't plan on kissing you, it just happened… And Severus, I'm sorry if I've made you feel like I regretted that kiss. I don't regret kissing you, it's not that at all. I just…don't know…if…I'm ready…I want to…I don't know," Remus stammered out, then suddenly stopping.
"You don't know what you want?
Remus shook his head, looking down at the ground. Trying to figure out what to say. But it was so hard with those dark eyes staring at him, waiting for an answer. This was his chance to talk to Severus, to make things right. And Remus was blowing it.
"You may not know what you want, but I do…" And Severus was suddenly in front of Remus, gently cupping his face, caressing his cheek, forcing Remus to look up at Severus. And Remus was lost in those dark eyes reflecting the night sky.
"You're always cold," Severus muttered softly, as if it were just a passing thought in his mind. Severus took off his winter robes and put it over Remus' shoulders, then suddenly, he pulled the robes forward, bringing Remus closer to him. Severus kissed Remus so deeply, without warning, it caught Remus off guard. Remus kissed him back, doing everything he could to keep himself standing. Still holding onto the robes, Severus pulled away, ending the sudden kiss that left Remus' stomach queasy with butterflies, and lost in those obsidian eyes.
"I know what I want, Remus," Severus whispered, the icy fog of their breaths intermingling. "What I want is right here in front of me." Severus clenched the fabric of the black winter robes in his fists, emphasizing what he meant. "Are my feelings one sided? Did I read you wrong? Isn't this what you want as well? I really need to know, no more running off, talk to me, Remus. Because I really thought I could do this, I really thought I could be your friend without being anything more, never voicing my feelings towards you, and just suffer in silence like I did with Lily… I'm not as young anymore and naive. I can't do that anymore, especially when what I feel for you, is a thousand times stronger than what I've ever felt for Lily."
Severus let go of the robes, now holding Remus firmly by the shoulders, looking him straight in the eye, as he said, "Remus, you mean so much more to me, do you understand that? And I've tried giving you your space, but you can't just play with me like that, kiss me, and then freak out and leave. And especially when I know you feel the same way… I understand what I've said might've scared you, but it's what I feel, it's the truth."
Still shivering in the icy cold, despite of the warmth of Severus' winter robes on him, Remus could only listen to Severus as he spoke. Severus stared into his eyes, waiting for him to say something, but Remus couldn't. He didn't know what to say, he was feeling blocked. He wasn't ready for this confrontation. And what Severus was saying, that he meant so much more to Severus than Lily ever did, he knew this was going to be big, the unspoken love brewing between them, and this was what made him so afraid. Was he really ready to do this again? To fall in love so hard, to risk the chance of getting hurt again so badly? Remus wanted to be ready, he wanted Severus. He had to trust his heart to Severus, but was he brave enough, strong enough, to do this again?
"Severus…" Remus could only say. He was so ashamed of himself, he tore his eyes away, not able to bear seeing the hurt in Severus' eyes that was caused by him. "I'm sorry," he choked out, tears welling up and streaming down his cheeks. Why couldn't he just tell Severus how he felt?
"Look at me," Severus whispered, wiping the tears off Remus' cheeks with his fingers.
"I can see it in your eyes, you're falling deep into your depression. I know you feel too broken, I know you've been hurt, and if you feel like you're not in a good place to start anything, then I'm okay with that. Just don't turn away from me, don't let yourself fall. I'm right here if you need to talk. Remus, you have to let me know what you want, either we are just friends and I will back off, or we are something more. I can't have these games… And before you make your decision, just please consider if I'm worth another chance at love, please consider choosing me." Severus' voice cracked under the pain he must be feeling to say those words, Remus was breaking his heart.
"Severus, I can't decide right now," Remus choked out, feeling guilty, a coward, and broken, more than ever.
"Then I'll give you your space. Just know that we don't have a lot of time with this war, we have to enjoy every moment we have. Even if that means we may get hurt. It'll all be worth it, wouldn't it? To have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?"
And then Severus was gone, leaving Remus alone under the starry sky, in the frosty night. Yet, warm in the winter robes Severus left on him.
Review Responses:
Imaginer.012:Aww your review was my favorite for chapter 12! It almost made me cry, because I worked so hard on that chapter. Thank you much for writing that! My thoughts on ch.12 were literally the same as your's as I was writing it and editing it haha. And you're so sweet! I love you for always being supportive with the best reviews. Especially since I was going through stuff at the time I was posting the last two chapters, and still managed to work hard on them and get them posted for you guys. I really hope you enjoy this next chapter and I'm sorry if it made you cry, cus I was crying the whole time while working on it all week lol.
LunePrimus:Thank you! I'm really glad that you liked how I arranged chapter 12 with the character points of views. And also the flashbacks, just cus I felt like I left holes in the last story, so for chapter 12, I decided to bring up past issues of Harry for Severus to tackle them. I'm always looking forward to your reviews, they are always the best as well! I really hope you like this new one I posted!
For the Five Guest Reviews:Thank you guys for your thoughts on ch. 12. They were such nice surprises over the past few weeks. They reminded me to get chapter 13 up as soon as possible. So this new chapter is for you guys! Thank you so much, I loved all of your comments!
