Chapter Fourteen - Hanging On By A Thread

Before Severus knew it, it was mid-December. The final month of the year had brought the students and the staff of Hogwarts its icy snow storms, along with final assignments and exams due before the fall term ended, keeping everyone busy and confined inside the castle walls for the past few weeks.

Severus found himself with barely any time these days. Not only did he have a huge never-ending pile of essays on top of his desk, and crates with viles of student potions that needed grading, Severus was also spending his time, mostly nights, gathering specific items he needed for a personal project he was working on. Severus barely had enough time to give Harry Occlumency lessons and his mental health checks every other Friday evening. Also, he was dealing with the stress of trying to get a hold of Draco, which was now impossible, for the Slytherin had stopped coming to Severus' lessons, detentions, and was ignoring all of Severus' office summons.

And even though Severus was constantly busy, and there were a million things that always had to be done, Severus was glad of the distraction and chaos of the last few weeks before the winter holidays. It kept his thoughts from wandering to Remus, and feeling the ache in his heart every time Severus remembered their last meeting together on top of the Astronomy Tower.

Despite of all the things that had to be done, Severus had managed to set some time aside to finish brewing December's batch of Wolfsbane Potion for Remus' full moon change near the end of the month. It was the reason why after weeks of keeping himself busy, of not dwelling on the fact that Remus hadn't come to him with an answer yet, that Severus was finally letting himself think of that night on the Astronomy Tower, of the way Remus locked his hazel-green eyes that were flecked with gold, full of unspoken words, onto Severus' own.

And Severus finally let himself remember the sudden longing he had felt, to just pull Remus close against him, not caring at all for an explanation for Remus' avoidance. Severus didn't care for the reasons, he just wanted this strange thing between them to be over. Severus remembered how sick to his stomach he felt, full of nerves, as Severus gave in to his longing, pulling the werewolf forward, and meeting him in a deep kiss. And how Remus looked warm in Severus' winter robes. Severus left them on Remus, he looked better in them than Severus did.

Sighing deeply, as he slowly began stirring his potion counter-clockwise, Severus thought back to that night in his office, and how he was just beginning to feel almost glad that Slughorn had taken half his classes, but he would never admit that to anyone. That night, with his muscles sore from sitting so long at his desk, Severus just felt like he needed a walk. For no matter how hard Severus tried to focus on his work, his mind kept returning to Remus on that hill, with the Shrieking Shack in the distance, leaning on that wooden fence, and the wind blowing Remus' hair into his eyes, and the ends of his old Gryffindor scarf. That night, Severus kept thinking about the way Remus made him laugh so hard with that silly childhood story of his. Then suddenly those hazel-green eyes were shining with mischief. Remus was smiling shyly at Severus, asking him, "You think I'm cute?" His smile turned into a smirk. And it blew Severus away, that smirk and those eyes, and Severus couldn't help but flirt back, "What if I said yes?"

And maybe it was Severus' fault that the kiss happened. What if Severus was the one that led Remus on? For Severus was the one who brushed Remus' hair aside out of his eyes. Not being able to pull his hand away, touching Remus' face, placing his hand on the back of his neck. Trying everything in his power to just not pull Remus forward and kiss him.

Severus knew he had crossed a boundary of their friendship that Remus wasn't ready for. But then Remus surprised Severus by leaning in and kissing him. Remus kissed him, so it wasn't entirely Severus' fault. Remus was the one who started flirting on that hill, yet they were always flirting with one another, always finding excuses to touch each other. It wasn't just Severus' fault that kiss happened. It was Remus' fault too.

And yes, Severus might've scared Remus away by saying those words, "I think I'm falling in love with you…" Severus didn't mean to say them. He was just caught up in the moment, and before Severus knew it, they had slipped out. And everything changed so fast. The look in Remus' eyes crashing back down to reality, as he took in what Severus had whispered to him. Then suddenly Disapparating, leaving Severus alone on that hill.

I scared him away…he isn't ready. Why did I say that? But it's what I feel… Severus remembered thinking, as he walked through the dark corridors that night, not realizing his feet was taking him to the winding staircase of the Astronomy Tower.

And in a way, Severus was glad that kiss happened, leading Severus to admit his growing infatuation to Remus. Severus couldn't help that he was falling in love. It was what he felt, and now it was out there, and Severus didn't have to suffer in silence any longer. It didn't have to be like back when Severus was a teenager, crushing hard on Lily in silence, and hoping every day she would see Severus like how he saw her. Severus really thought he could do that again, but after that kiss, Severus knew that was impossible.

Still stirring the cauldron of Wolfsbane counter-clock wise, Severus recalled how he was out of breath from the long climb up the stairs. He remembered his breath suddenly coming out as a fog, and how the cold air stung his face. He wasn't expecting to find Remus up there, sitting on the ledge, shivering in the icy-cold air, with his head pointed towards the twinkling stars. Severus had barely seen Remus in a little bit over a week. The sight of him sitting there, so close, yet Severus felt so far from him, it took Severus' breath away. And for a moment, Severus didn't know what to do or what to say. Everything was changed between them. Their easy friendship was now a thing of the past. And for one brief moment, despite of him not regretting anything, Severus almost wished that their kiss hadn't happened, that Severus never let those words slip. And Remus could just turn around, and smile at him, inviting Severus to sit next to him.

And Severus remembered how cold Remus felt, his body shivering, and his breath coming out in a fog just like Severus' own. Their breaths intermingled as Severus wrapped Remus in his winter robes. The look Remus gave him, Severus could see that the werewolf felt the same way as he did. Remus was falling in love too. Severus was rather good in reading people, and sometimes Remus was an open and closed book. And on that icy-cold night, on top of the Astronomy Tower, Severus could see the pain in Remus' eyes, the uncertainty, the longing, the fear. Severus could see it all in the tears that ran down Remus' cheeks. Remus didn't have to explain himself for disappearing. Severus understood what was going on, what Remus couldn't say. That understanding led Severus to give Remus the ultimatum to make things easier for him, to give him that gentle push, hoping Remus would choose him.

As Severus added more ingredients to the Wolfsbane, he pushed all thoughts out of Remus out his mind, for that was all he could take. Thinking about that night only left Severus with his heart aching, making it hard for him to concentrate on what he was doing, which was dangerous. For Severus couldn't afford to mess up this batch, not so close to the full moon.

Suddenly the sound of Severus' portrait door opened, followed by Harry's voice. Before meeting his son, Severus lowered the flames, setting a timer to come back and check on the simmering potion in a couple of hours.

It was an early Friday evening, the day before Slughorn's Christmas party. Lessons had ended in the early afternoon, officially ending the fall term. While Severus spent his new freedom in his lab, Remus had braved the winter weather and taken Harry out to Hogsmeade for hot butterbeer at the Three Broomsticks, and to pick up Harry's dress robes for Slughorn's Christmas party. It was something Severus wish he could've done himself, but it would've looked suspicious if he and Harry were seen out in the village together.

Harry was found standing by the portrait door with a large, wrapped-up parcel in his hands. Remus was by his side, also carrying a parcel similar to Harry's. They were both red in the cheeks, snow was caught in their hair, and both were wearing warm robes thick enough for winter weather. Remus' eyes were shy as usual, not meeting Severus at all as they greeted one another. It pained Severus to see that Remus still wouldn't look at him, reminding Severus the delicate thread their friendship was hanging on.

And despite of the hurt Severus felt, he was just glad the werewolf wasn't isolating himself anymore. Things were slightly better now between them than the first week after Remus kissed him. The morning after that night on top of the Astronomy Tower, Severus was in the Great Hall eating breakfast, when Remus, showered, dressed, and clean shaven for a day of lessons, walked into the hall, sitting next to Severus for the first time in a week. Remus didn't say anything at first, only helping himself to some eggs and toast, then pouring himself a cup of tea.

Severus was sipping his black coffee, watching Remus as he added a huge handful of sugar cubes into his tea when Severus couldn't help himself and said, "Why don't you just dump the whole pot in there?" Causing Remus to laugh.

Then Remus stopped laughing, shyly glancing at Severus, as he said, "Severus, I apologize for disappearing, for you know, running off… I didn't do it to hurt you. Can we start over?"

Taken by surprise with the sudden apology, and with his heart racing from wondering if Remus was about to tell him his answer, Severus replied, "Of course, wolf. Don't forget, Harry and I have dinner together every other Friday."

"I'll be there," Remus said, and he didn't say anymore. It was followed by an awkward silence that Severus hated.

"No more disappearing, do you promise? For Harry at least?" Severus added, hoping it would encourage Remus to keep talking.

"No more disappearing, I promise."

And that was that. Remus didn't mention anything on what he'd decided, what his answer was going to be. And Severus didn't dare mention anything, for he had said he'll give Remus his space until he'd decided, and Severus was going to keep his word.

And so the weeks went by since that morning, Remus kept his promise. He no longer hid in his quarters, or avoided Severus. Remus always made sure to sit near Severus during meals at the Great Hall, or when they ran into each other in the staff room. Remus always checked in on Harry's D.A. Club meetings, and he stopped by for dinner every other Friday with Harry.

Even though Remus made the effort to be around more, their relationship had changed. They weren't as close as they once were before that kiss, it was like they were walking on eggshells around each other, waiting for the other to break first, to restart that discussion on the Astronomy Tower. Their conversations were always light, just small talk, mostly about Harry and work. They also never spent the evenings together in one another's quarters for tea anymore, something Severus missed deeply.

And the worst part about this strange thing between them now, was that Remus never met Severus' eyes anymore. Maybe Remus was hiding the depression that Severus admitted he saw in Remus' eyes. Maybe Remus didn't want Severus to bring up the ultimatum or force him into answering before he was ready. Remus had to know Severus was waiting everyday for his answer, that with each passing day filled with only polite greetings and small talk, it killed Severus inside.

"Harry, nice to see that you found some dress robes," Severus greeted his son.

"Remus said they match my eyes," Harry muttered, his face turning red. "I still don't see why I have to go to this thing. Especially since I can't go with Ginny. She's going with bloody Dean Thomas!"

"Language, kid. And it'll be rude to reject an invitation. You should be grateful you're able to go, not every student gets this opportunity," Severus gently scolded.

"You're only saying that cus you're being forced to go as well."

"Well, if I suffer then you have to suffer."

Remus laughed at Severus' comeback, causing Severus to look at him. Their eyes connected. Remus quickly looked the other way. There was still a small spark of the old Remus, sometimes Severus was able to catch those small moments. Each rare find gave Severus hope that soon the excruciating, long wait would be over. And Remus would come to him with his answer, and they could be close again.

"Do you have a date yet?" Severus asked, returning his attention back to his son.

"I asked Luna…" Harry said, his cheeks blushing even more.

Suddenly Severus felt his own face heat up as he realized if this was a time he should talk to Harry about girls and dating, or even boys if that was an option for Harry. Did the Dursleys ever talk to him about that stuff? Severus wouldn't even know how to start such a conversation.

"Luna Lovegood?" Remus asked. "She's a bit eccentric, isn't she?"

"Yeah, she was my safest choice," Harry shrugged.

"Your safest choice?" Severus asked. "Care to elaborate?"

"Ever since the last Daily Prophet came out stating I was the chosen one, the girls in this school have gone completely mental! Do you know how many detours I have to take in this castle, just to get to lessons without getting trapped under mistletoes? And Hermione told me she caught Romilda Vane and a bunch of girls talking about slipping me a love potion! And guess what, Hermione was right as usual! Romilda Vane was trying to offer me a gillywater yesterday! I had no choice but to ask Luna, she's the only sane girl I could think of," Harry explained.

"That's a bit ironic, don't you think? Why didn't you ask Hermione?" Remus laughed at Harry's story.

"I was, but she's already got someone," Harry sighed, placing his wrapped dress robes onto a nearby entry table.

"She's not taking Weasley?" Severus asked.

"No, they're still fighting. Hermione laughed at Ron's stupid mustache during Transfiguration today, and well, they're definitely not speaking to each other in the far future, especially with Lavender all over Ron."

Severus rolled his eyes at all the Gryffindor drama.

"Just don't eat or drink anything those girls offer you," Severus said, thinking he should talk to Albus about upping security on incoming mail for silly love potions. "Lupin, Harry and I are going to have one last Occlumency lesson before the holidays start, and then you can join us for dinner if you'll like."

"No, thank you, Severus. I actually have plans with Tonks this evening. I'll see you later?"

"Again? You've been hanging out with her every weekend," Severus said, keeping his voice mildly curious, succeeding in keeping the jealousy and hurt out of his tone.

"We're working on something… I've got to go, she's probably already here," Remus only said. His eyes then landed on Harry. "Luna is lucky to have you as a date. You're going to look amazing tomorrow! And listen to your dad, cub, keep a lookout on anything suspicious from the girls." Remus gave Harry a quick hug, and was gone before Severus could say another word.

Severus sighed in frustration that didn't go unnoticed by Harry.

"You two still haven't fixed whatever's going on? Severus, what happened?"

"Harry… It's…nothing…"

"Right…"

"Come on, let's get started on Occlumency."

Over the past months of Occlumency, Harry had started to improve. He was able to block Severus at least once every lesson.

"Okay, one last try before we call it a night," Severus said, as he helped Harry up off the ground. "Are you ready?"

Harry nodded. "Give me your best, Sev."

Severus returned to his designated spot, and without warning, shouted, "Legilimens!"

And suddenly Severus was in Harry's head, with memories swirling around him.

"Harry, you didn't even try!"

"I want to show you something, go ahead and look closely at my memories. Do you notice anything different?"

"What are you on about?"

"Just look, dad!"

Severus probed the first memory that passed him. It was of Harry meeting Weasley on the Hogwarts Express. Severus left it and entered another one. It was of Harry receiving his wand when he was eleven, and of Hagrid breaking the chair as Ollivander explained the history of Harry's wand. Another memory passed, it was of Harry seeing Severus for the first time at the staff table next to Quirrell, and the sudden twinge of Harry's scar.

"Harry, these are just normal memories of your early years at school."

"Just look deeper!"

Severus sighed, swiping through the memories that were passing by him like old muggle film reels. Memories of thirteen year old Harry meeting Remus for the first time on the Hogwarts Express, of hearing Lily's screams in his head. Then twelve year old Harry escaping Tom Riddle from the Chamber of Secrets. Harry finding the diary in a flooded girls' bathroom. The flying car…of Harry and Weasley getting yelled at by Severus in his office. Eleven year old Harry going after the philosopher's stone. Harry at the Dursleys, not being able to read his letter.

Then Severus spotted a memory that was never seen here before. It was of a young Harry looking out the window, watching Dudley learning to ride a bike. Dudley's parents were out there with him. Petunia was taking pictures of Dudley as Vernon was helping Dudley ride his bike without training wheels. Harry was left alone in the house, and the emotions of jealousy, longing to be part of that family, and feeling left out and unloved was strong in the memory.

Then that memory led to another, of seven year old Harry helping Petunia cook dinner. Harry was barely able to reach the stove, stirring a pot of pasta, accidentally burning his hands. Harry started crying as Petunia scolded him. "You had one job, Harry! Now you're not getting any of this! After you help me, it's off to the cupboard for you! Stop crying, you're not dying, you insolent boy!" Severus felt the burn on his skin, felt the rejection, and pain.

In the next memory, it was Christmas morning. Five year old Harry was locked in his cupboard the whole day, listening to the sounds of Dudley and his aunt and uncle opening presents. Severus could smell Christmas breakfast and coffee wafting through the house, and into the air vents of the tiny cupboard. Sitting next to the young memory Harry, Severus could hear the young child's stomach grumbling. And Severus couldn't believe that the Dursleys could be this cruel. How could they just lock a young boy away in a cupboard, while they enjoyed the holidays?

Suddenly young Harry started crying, and Severus was hit with the emotions of hunger, feeling left out, deep sadness, embarrassment, and fear. Severus looked down at Harry to see his bed suddenly wet.

They haven't even let him out to use the bathroom! Severus realized in horror. And he wondered how many times this had happened, how many days was Harry locked in here without food or water, or access to a restroom? Kneeling down in front of the crying child, Severus wished there was a way to comfort his young son, to somehow let him know that one day, this would end. One day Severus would come get Harry, vowing to never let those horrible muggles hurt him again, giving Harry the family he'd always wanted. And Harry wouldn't have to ever feel so alone like this again.

Harry was then finally let out in the early afternoon, and scolded harshly for wetting himself. After he cleaned himself up, he was forced to help with preparing the Christmas dinner. Severus stood besides Harry who was standing on a stool, so he could reach the sink, washing all the dishes while the Dursleys enjoyed a holiday feast.

Watching the young child, Severus realized Harry never had a proper Christmas. Severus felt his heart break at the thought, even he had some early childhood memories of spending the holidays with his family, before everything changed. Those memories helped Severus get through the crappy ones where his father just drank himself into a coma, or spent all of his mom's Christmas savings on alcohol.

Harry never had the experience, nothing to get him through the day. Severus promised the young Harry as he scrubbed pot after pot, that the upcoming holiday was going to be the one he'd always wanted to be a part of, with presents under the tree, a holiday dinner where he didn't cook himself or wash a single dish.

The memory suddenly changed. Now Harry was locked in his cupboard, looking about four years old, and drawing with broken, stubby crayons under the dim, flickering light bulb. Alert for any sounds of the monster in the shadows, Severus could feel Harry's intense fear and anxiety. Drawing was the only thing that kept Harry from crying. It distracted him, kept him calm, and it was the only way he was able to show what he was feeling. Severus remembered the shoebox of drawings he had hidden in his desk drawer, vowing to make time to look through them with Harry, so that they could discuss them.

Severus was jumping from memory to memory, each one just as sad and heartbreaking, until he couldn't stand seeing them anymore. He closed his eyes, as the sounds of the Dursleys shouting at Harry surrounded him, along with the sound of young Harry crying. Harry's questions on what happened to his parents, and Petunia snapping at him to never ask questions, the lie she told about them dying in a car crash and Severus was blinded by green light, followed by maniacal laughter. The sounds of Dudley and his gang chasing Harry. The humiliation Harry felt at having to go to school in clothes that were too big, teachers asking about his bruises, and how Harry felt the need to close up and protect himself from adults who could never help him. Severus felt the broken trust, the pain deep inside Harry, the Dursley's rejection that led to the destruction of Harry's self-esteem. It was too much. Severus couldn't hold on anymore, and suddenly, he realized what Harry was trying to show him. These memories had all come from one place, and if Harry was allowing Severus to see them, that meant the wall…

Severus imagined the red brick wall. The one he had accidentally found during a disastrous Occlumency lesson. The wall that kept all of Harry's childhood trauma, protecting his most vulnerable self, the most painful emotions from people he couldn't trust. Suddenly everything grew quiet. Severus opened his eyes, and what he found, was something he'd never thought he'll see. That wall wasn't as strong and sturdy as it was before. It was still standing, yet most of it was a pile of rubble, and Harry was there, on the other side.

"Harry!" Severus shouted.

And before Severus knew it, he was being pulled out of Harry's head. He opened his eyes, finding himself laying on his back. Severus quickly got up to see Harry stirring as well.

Severus rushed over to Harry, pulling him up to his feet and embraced him in a tight hug. And for once, Harry didn't flinch away. He sunk into Severus' hug, his face pressed against Severus' chest.

"Harry, your wall is broken! When did that happen?" Severus asked, his voice not hiding the amazement he was feeling, of something he'd never thought would happen so soon.

"I'm not sure, maybe after my relapse, when you and Remus were there for me," Harry replied, his voice muffled from being pressed against Severus' chest. And Severus knew Harry was listening to Severus' heartbeat.

"How are you doing with all of those memories out of your wall?"

"I'm okay, I don't feel any different. They weren't repressed, they were always there, safely protected from anyone who asked me questions about my childhood. I just feel like it's easier to talk to you and Remus about them now without closing up. My wall being broken, it just means that I trust you guys."

"Harry, I'm so proud of you, and I'm here whenever you want to talk about those memories. I love you so much. You don't ever have to feel alone like that again, those muggles are never going to hurt you again. And you know, I'm going to give you the Christmas you deserve."

"I …I… I love you…too, dad," Harry stuttered out, his voice still muffled against Severus' robes.

Severus finally broke the hug and held Harry by his shoulders at arms' length, persistently looking his son in the eye as he said, "One day, you'll be so used to saying that, it'll be as if you've been saying that to me your whole life." And to Severus' surprise, Harry held the eye contact. Severus felt a rush of pride for his son, for being so strong.

Harry smiled at Severus' words. "I really am trying, dad. I really meant what I said back at the cabin. I want to get better, I even managed to say I love you back to Remus a couple of weeks ago."

"You did?" Severus asked, the pride he felt for his son was so strong, yet, it was tainted with the fact that Remus didn't tell Severus this. Severus always told Remus everything about what was going on with Harry, so that Remus never felt left out. Didn't they agree this was a shared responsibility between them? And the fact that Remus kept this milestone from Severus, they could've celebrated over this. It was a big thing for Harry to say I love you to them, he hardly ever admitted his affections towards his adoptive dads.

"Yeah, he didn't tell you?"

Severus shook his head, pushing the sudden hurt away, as he let go of Harry's shoulders. "Come on, let's end the lesson for the evening. You've been doing so well, you deserve a break."

"I wouldn't mind a game of chess," Harry suggested.

After dinner, they spent the evening doing just that, with Severus beating Harry in every round. Harry didn't seemed bothered by it, for according to him, he was used to losing every time he played with Weasley. As they played chess, they were also planning the best Christmas Harry had always wanted when he was a kid.

"Can we invite Draco? Do you think he'll come if we ask him? We can keep it a secret, no one would know that he's spending the holidays with us," Harry asked, as they watched one of Harry's chess pawns destroy one of Severus' knights.

After taking a few moments to decide his next move, Severus ordered a pawn forward, destroying Harry's pawn that just took out his knight. As they watched Harry's pawn crumble to dust, then Severus finally answer, "You are right, it would be easy to have Draco over without the Slytherins around for once, I did see his name on the list of students that would be staying here for the holidays. Draco's the only Slytherin staying. You can try and ask him, if that's what you really want, Harry. Just back off if he refuses the invitation. I don't want Draco attacking you again."

"I'll be careful, Severus. He hasn't been coming to your lessons, is Draco mad at you? It isn't simply cus you kicked him off the Slytherin Quidditch team is it? It's his task…"

"You're right, the task is weighing Draco down. He doesn't care much for anything these days involving school," Severus said. He watched Harry perform his next move, ordering a knight away from his king to destroy Severus' own knight, leaving Harry's king unprotected.

"I wish he can just accept our help. I don't know much about the task, but I do know it doesn't have to be like this. Why is he torturing himself? He could be with us right now, if he weren't so bloody stubborn."

"You already know, Harry. This situation is highly dangerous, but don't you worry. I'm still watching over him. Draco isn't in danger yet. He's safe, as long as he remains at Hogwarts."

Harry sighed. "It's the holidays, the Slytherins are all going to be home. If Draco accepts my invitation, that means he doesn't have to pretend for the next few weeks, or think about his task. He could take a break, be himself again. I just want the Draco I spent the summer with back. I miss him."

"Ask him, Harry. I will allow it, if that's what you want."

"Thanks, dad," Harry said as he watched Severus order a knight forward towards his king.

"Dad…"

"Yes, son?"

"I have two questions, I've been meaning to ask. One about a book and another question…about…"

Severus tore his attention away from the game and onto Harry.

"Are you still not going to tell me what happened between you and Remus?"

Severus raised an eyebrow, not missing the hesitation."Is that the question you were really going to ask?"

Harry shrugged, his eyes casted down.

"Well then, no. I'm not going to tell you," Severus muttered, his attention back on the game.

Harry scowled in response, then scowled again as Severus took out his king, beating him again.

"What were you going to ask me?" Severus asked, once Harry's king was destroyed.

Harry sighed. "It's just a conversation Hermione and I had yesterday in the library. She was warning me about the girls sneaking love potions into the school. If they can easily do that, can't Draco sneak in dark objects?"

"No, that's impossible. Our security is as tight as ever, nothing can get in here."

"But what about those love potions?"

"Those silly love potions are harmless, they won't set off the dark objects sensors and detectors."

"Well, what if Draco sneaks in a dangerous potion disguised as a love potion? Or something else like that cursed necklace disguised as a Weasley object, or something else harmless?"

"No, like I've just said, that's impossible. Something as dark as that necklace, even if it were disguised as something harmless, could never have made its way into the castle without setting off every safety alarm, detectors, sensors, and wards we have in place."

"But if there was even chance he was able to…" Harry's voice rose.

"No, there is no chance!" Severus snapped, not letting him finish.

And Harry was now glaring down at the chess board, refusing to look at Severus. "You know, I understood when Hermione debunked my theory… Severus, I really thought you would at least listen!"

"Harry, I am listening. And I'm telling you, there's no possible way! I've told you all of this before! Why are you bringing back this argument?" Severus said in exasperation.

Harry didn't answer him. He stayed silent, his green gaze still stubbornly glued onto the chess board. And Severus could see Harry was closing up, and he didn't like that. Severus didn't want that mental wall to be rebuilt, especially after what it took for it to be torn down.

"Harry, come on, son, look at me. Remember, no more closing up," Severus said gently, trying his best to be patient.

Harry didn't react. His eyes still casted down.

"Harry, I am speaking to you," Severus said, his voice firm this time, letting Harry know that Severus wasn't going to put up with him staying silent. Severus was trying his best to not lose his temper. He was annoyed at the fact that this conversation was turning into an argument. He was annoyed at the guilt trip Harry threw at him, and was now refusing to listen to Severus, refusing to meet Severus' eyes. Severus had enough of that from Remus, he didn't need it from Harry as well.

But Harry refused, only shaking his head, silently fuming.

Severus really thought Harry would be done with these theories of Draco being a Death Eater, sneaking in dark objects. Hadn't they already discussed this? There was no possible way Draco could sneak anything into this castle, every attempt he's tried, had failed.

And Severus wanted to just tell Harry everything that was going on about the task and all of Draco's failed attempts. About the unbreakable vow Narcissa forced Severus under, and how this task was linked to Albus' planned death, just to spare this argument that kept coming back up, tearing them apart. But it was too dangerous to give Harry any of that information.

Severus waited for Harry to pull himself together, waited for his eyes to finally meet his. But Harry was still stubbornly keeping his eyes down onto the chess board.

Severus didn't mean to lose his temper, but he had enough. Before he could stop himself, Severus slammed his hand down onto the chess board to get Harry's attention, knocking the broken chess pieces onto the floor, causing the board to rattle. Harry snapped his head up, his eyes finally now on Severus, glaring angrily at him

"Listen to me, kid, we've had this discussion about Draco and dark objects, and the possibility of him being a Death Eater before. Now, what did I tell you last time?" Severus said in his most strictest professor tone.

"To trust you!" Harry snapped.

"Yes! I am listening to you, and I'm telling you my answer! To trust me! I am watching Draco! And believe me, I would know if he snuck in anything as dark as that necklace! I don't want to have this discussion with you again! You know my answer! Trust me! Leave it to me! This task is none of your concern!"

"But!"

"End of discussion! Now go, get ready for bed! It's almost curfew!"

Harry stood up, his eyes glaring, not saying a word as he went to his room. He then came back out with his school robes on, and his school bag slung over his shoulder. Harry didn't say a word as he passed by Severus, slamming the portrait door shut behind him.

"Merlin!" Severus shouted in exasperation, knocking the whole chess game to the floor, then stomped to his room, slamming the door behind him as well.

Still fuming from his argument with Harry, Severus wasn't ready to turn in for the night just yet. He paced the room, thoughts reeling on how he should've handled Harry to prevent the argument from happening between them. Maybe Severus shouldn't have lost his temper, but he was tired of this topic coming up. It forced Severus to gaslight Harry on his suspicions on Draco. Draco did bear the Dark Mark, the task was not only a punishment to Lucius' failure of procuring the prophecy and getting himself arrested, this task was Draco's first test to prove his loyalty to the Dark Lord's side.

And Harry's theories on Draco sneaking in dark objects wasn't far from the truth. Draco had tried several times already and has failed. It was almost like Draco wasn't really trying, like his heart wasn't in it, it most likely wasn't. Severus was tired of offering his help to Draco, and always getting snubbed. So the past few weeks, Severus just left Draco alone, keeping watch from a distance, and making sure all of Draco's foolish and weak attempts to kill Albus didn't succeed, and went by unnoticed by Harry and the rest of the school.

The only way to end this argument for good, was to tell Harry the truth, but the truth was not only dangerous, it wasn't Severus' right to tell Harry. It all laid on Albus' shoulders, the plans he had for the war, the information the headmaster was keeping to himself, which not even Severus fully had access to.

Sighing in frustration, Severus sat down at his desk, promising himself to find Harry before Slughorn's Christmas party and apologize. It wasn't Harry's fault for getting upset, this was all on Severus, for not revealing the answers Harry was searching for, for losing his temper. Severus didn't want to spend their first winter holidays together in mid-argument.

And sitting at his desk, Severus' eyes landed on his research notes for his side project, on becoming an unregistered Animagus. They reminded Severus of Remus, and the deep and meaningful conversations they used to share. And Severus suddenly wanted nothing more than to just get up right now and go to Remus' living quarters for a cup of tea, and talk to Remus about what just happened between him and Harry. Severus desperately needed Remus' advice, his reassurance, that Severus was doing the right thing in hiding the truth about Draco to Harry.

But Severus knew if he did just that, he wouldn't be welcomed with a cup of tea, they wouldn't spend their time discussing Harry, while laying around on the sofas and armchairs in front of the warm fireplace, like they used to. It would just be mindless small talk out in the cold corridors. Severus wondered if Tonks was still there, keeping Remus company, causing Severus' mood to drop even more.

He was just tired of waiting for an answer that was never going to come. Severus imagined himself getting up right now, marching straight to Remus' portrait door, knocking loudly on it until Remus opened it. The werewolf would be wearing his muggle clothes, faded light-blue jeans, and some muggle band t-shirt. His golden hair would be a mess, covering those hazel-green eyes that would probably shine golden, as Severus demanded an answer.

But I said I'll give him his space…

And then Severus realized there was no point in even talking to Remus about his and Harry's argument. Remus couldn't give him advice on what to do, or reassure Severus that he was doing the right thing. Because Severus wouldn't be able to fully tell Remus the truth about Draco and Albus, it would lead to Severus revealing his forced promise to Albus and he couldn't risk that. And that realization made Severus feel more alone than ever.

And looking through the research books on becoming an Animagus, Severus remembered the day he picked them up. It was the bookstore in Hogsmeade, the day he went with Remus, before the kiss, before everything changed between them. And now they were at this weird standstill, that Severus didn't know how to fix. Severus remembered the book he purchased for Remus that day, an old fairy tale on wolves. Severus wondered if Remus finished it yet, wondering if he even kept it.

Severus sighed, he couldn't get Remus out of his head, no matter how hard he tried. Leaning forward on the desk with his elbows on the dark, wooden surface, Severus ran his hands through his hair, then placed his forehead into his hands, closing his eyes.

The first step to becoming an Animagus was to carry a mandrake leaf in his mouth for a full month. Severus had started that step as soon as he, Remus, and Harry had returned from their weekend trip. Severus wasn't even sure how he managed to be successful with this first step. Luck was just on his side, for he was able to keep the leaf in his mouth after kissing Remus several times, Remus hadn't even known.

While Severus carried the Mandrake leaf in his mouth, he worked on his research and gathered all the items he would need for the later steps. Luckily for Severus, he was talented in Transfiguration and Potions, and so it won't take him years like it did with the Marauders. Severus was hoping he'll be successful before next summer.

Now that it was mid-December, the evening before Slughorn's party would mark a full month for Severus, and it would be time for the next step. Opening his eyes, Severus sighed and sat up straight, finding the notes for the second step, going over the list of items he would need. A crystal vile that has received the pure rays of the moon, a strand of his own hair, and a silver teaspoon of dew. He had all the items stored safely away in his lab, ready to use.

And it wasn't until when the late hours of the night began to turn into the early hours of the morning, did Severus finally went to bed. He knew the research by memory already. He understood each step clearly, and was ready. For Severus couldn't afford any mistakes. He had a limited amount of time to complete the process, for Severus couldn't help but have a feeling that by June, everything was going to change.


The night of Slughorn's Christmas party had finally arrived. Severus had just completed the second step of his Animagus transformation. He finally took the mandrake leaf out of his mouth, placing it in the small vile that contained the pure rays of the moon, and a single strand of his hair, adding a silver teaspoon of dew that had come from a place in the dark forest where sunlight nor human feet have ever touched it. The small vile was now safely tucked away in his lab, and in seven days time, Severus would have to perform the next step, which was to add the chrysalis of a Death's-Head Hawk Moth, and leave it somewhere dark, until the next electrical storm. Severus was hoping it would be soon. According to Firenze, the next storm would be between late winter or early spring.

Now dressed in his black dress robes, Severus was intermingling among the other Potions Masters at the party, listening to their insufferable conversation on whatever it's worth improving the Wolfsbane Potion or not. Annoyed by the biased subject, Severus did not say a word. Instead, Severus kept an eye on Harry, who was dressed in green dress robes that indeed matched his eyes, with Luna Lovegood dressed in an eccentric silver dress, by his side. Slughorn was introducing them to an author named Eldred Worple, and a known vampire, that goes by the name, Sanguini.

Harry had come back to Severus' quarters that early afternoon to pick up his dress robes that he'd left behind last night after their argument. Severus was in his lab, checking on the simmering Wolfsbane when he heard the portrait door open. Severus met Harry in the living room. The silence was awkward and tensed.

"I didn't think you would come back so soon," Severus said.

"I had to pick up my dress robes," Harry replied back.

"Harry, about last night. It was wrong for me to lose my temper. Your concerns about Draco are valid, and so are your theories of dark objects being snuck in. They aren't bad theories, just…"

"Trust you, I know," Harry finished.

"Please, son. I wish I can tell you everything I know about this war, about Draco, believe me I do, but I cannot. It's not my right to reveal everything to you. You know that, we've discussed this already. I'm not choosing to hide things from you."

"I know, I understand."

"Do you?" Severus asked. "Because I don't want this argument popping up again. We can't let it keep tearing us apart."

"I know… You're right, I did say I was going to trust you… It's just hard sometimes, seeing Draco suffer and not fully knowing why, and not being able to just help him."

"At least there's one thing you can do today."

"And what's that?" Harry asked.

"The Slytherins have gone home today. You can try and find Draco, maybe he'll drop the act now that it's safe."

Harry nodded. "I guess I should go find him then."

"Yeah, you should… Hey, before you go, give me a hug, kid."

Harry put down his dress robes, then stepped forward and gave Severus a tight hug.

"No more arguing, okay? I love you," Severus said into the messy, black hair that tickled his nose.

"No more arguing," Harry only repeated. He let go of Severus, then stepped back, picking up his dress robes once more. "I'll see you tonight, dad?"

"I'll be wearing black dress robes," Severus said, not at all taking offense that Harry didn't say I love you back, for it was baby steps Harry was taking to being more trusting and affectionate towards him and Remus. Seeing that broken wall last night, Severus knew Harry was getting there, and Severus was patient enough to wait.

"Of course," Harry laughed, then he was gone, off to find Draco.

Coming back to the present, Severus suddenly caught sight of Remus entering the room, and for a moment, Severus had to remind himself to breathe, to take in air, and to let it out slowly. His stomach clenched up with nerves at the sight of Remus, dressed in midnight-blue dress robes, and his hair was combed neatly with his golden fringe away from his eyes for once.

Severus really thought he could do this, to give Remus his space, to wait until he was ready to answer the question their friendship seemed to be paused under. And Severus wondered if Remus knew Severus was watching him from across the room. If Remus knew how nervous he was making Severus feel, nervous enough to possibly cause Severus' knees to give out right from under him.

Suddenly, the sound of conversation coming from the Potions Masters was lost on Severus when Tonks suddenly appeared at Remus' side, holding him by the arm. She was dressed in a black evening gown, and her blonde hair was long, flowing down her back in curls. Severus' heart plummeted to see them arriving together, as if they were dating.

And seeing them together, mingling in the crowd of people with Tonks looking happy at Remus' side, and Remus offering his greetings to others, with that smile of his, Severus realized, that he and Remus were going to be stuck in this weird, distant, friendship thing forever. Remus wasn't going to choose Severus, he was choosing her. Why couldn't Remus come to Severus and just tell him that? That Remus didn't want him… Why was Remus leaving Severus hanging? Didn't Remus care how much this was hurting Severus? To be left hanging on by a thread….

Severus began to walk through the crowd, not really seeing anyone. Barely nodding along silently as people tried to converse with him, trying to ignore the fact that Tonks was pulling Remus onto the dance floor. He began to think if becoming an Animagus, all of the work, the long research, the task of gathering all of the materials… If it was all worth it, if Remus was just going to keep Severus on his thread, hanging forever…. Severus had been brave enough to tell Remus how he felt, that he was falling in love. He was wearing his bloody heart on his sleeve for this man! Besides Lily, no one had ever been able to touch Severus like this, to make him want to take down his mask and show every part of himself. Didn't Remus realize how hard it was for Severus to let someone in?

And Severus really thought that Remus just needed time and space to think about what he wanted. Severus tried to understand, but now he was beginning to doubt everything he saw in Remus' eyes that night on top of the Astronomy Tower. Severus was beginning to doubt the spark of electricity that struck though them as they kissed, and the look in Remus' eyes, of him falling for Severus too.

Did I somehow get it all wrong? Did Remus ever feel anything for me? Were we ever on the right page? Was it all just in my head?

Remus always said he was too broken to start anything, but clearly he wasn't broken enough for Tonks. Maybe she's the reason why Remus was making Severus wait so long for an answer. Does Remus have feelings for her?

And at that painful, heart-wrenching thought, Severus casted his eyes back onto Remus, still on the dance floor with Tonks, spinning her around, causing her dress to fan out around her feet. They were laughing, and the happiness he was seeing in them, it certainly looked like they were dating. Why was Severus so surprised by this? He had noticed them hanging out every weekend…refusing to acknowledge the possibility of them being together as Severus kept himself busy with his work.

Standing there among the crowd, pouring himself a second glass of red wine, Severus made sure he was out of sight from the dancing couple. Severus tried not to imagine himself in Tonk's place, dancing with Remus. He tried not to imagine himself pulling Remus close to a slow song, with Severus' hands on Remus' waist, and those hazel-green eyes staring intensely at Severus, and with that shy smile, only for him.

And consumed by heartache, Severus was just considering on calling it a night when suddenly, Slughorn's booming laughter was heard, followed by a pudgy and large hand that wrapped itself around Severus' arm, pulling him forward into a conversing group. Severus, forced out of his pity party, was suddenly met by Harry's shocked green eyes at his dad's sudden appearance.

"Stop sulking about, Severus! Join us! We were just talking about Harry's talent in Potions! Amazing, he is! Just like his mother! And Harry wants to be an Auror, just like his father! How fascinating!" Slughorn gushed, his grip on Severus so tight, there was no way he could escape.

Severus gave Harry his best glare as he watched his son's shock disappear, replaced with a quiet amusement. Harry's lips were upturned into a small smirk, unnoticed by anyone.

He's enjoying watching me suffer! The brat!

Then it was Harry's turn to suffer under Slughorn's attention, as he continued to loudly gush over Harry on being extremely talented in Potions to the listening crowd of people, involving Sybill Trelawney and Luna Lovegood. A couple of weeks ago, Severus had Slughorn cover a day of lessons while he traveled deep into the Black Forest to find dew that was never touched by human feet or sunlight. It was a whole day's task, and returning exhausted, yet successful, and wanting nothing more than to settle by the fireplace in his living area with a glass of red wine, Severus was hindered by Slughorn who wouldn't leave his office. Slughorn kept going on and on about how impressed he was by Harry's talent, and how he was just like Lily Potter, who was once a favorite student of his.

Severus was still suspicious on Harry's sudden Potions talent. There was still no way he could've reached that level so suddenly… And Severus bore his eyes into Harry, who had the audacity to just shrug innocently at the conversation. With his bad mood growing worse with every second, Severus couldn't help his snide comments towards Harry in response to Slughorn, of having the feeling that he was never able to teach Harry anything at all for the past five years.

We're definitely talking about this soon! I've put off this mysterious Potions talent of Harry's long enough!

Just as Severus was keeping his mask on, with his glare intact. Not daring to laugh along with Harry at Lovegood's strange comment on Aurors, only for the reason of her leaving Slughorn speechless for once, and to the sight of Harry drowning in his mead.

Karma for being a lying brat!

Filch suddenly barged into the party, dragging Draco in by the ear.

Severus didn't intervene as Slughorn talked Filch out of letting Draco go, he was too busy staring angrily at Draco for causing such a scene, for trying to sneak into a party he wasn't invited to, his father taught him better than that! If Draco wanted to attend, he could've just asked. It was his own fault for avoiding Severus for so long. Severus had the idea during the weeks leading up to the Christmas party about putting in a good word to Slughorn on the behalf of Draco. Then Draco stopped coming to Severus' classes, and so Severus didn't even bother. The boy didn't deserve it if he was going to be slacking off at school, task or no task!

Or perhaps, Draco was caught walking the corridors, cooking up some new foolish scheme to complete his task, and used gate-crashing the party as an excuse? Could my godson be anymore foolish?! Severus thought in exasperation and frustration at Draco's stubborn, careless, and idiotic behavior.

Still staying silent as Draco thanked Slughorn, kissing up to the walrus-sized professor for letting him stay, Severus continued to observe the blonde Slytherin. Severus hadn't seen Draco so closely in weeks. And Severus could now understand why Harry was so worried for him, why he kept demanding Severus for answers, for thinking up theories of what Draco might be doing. Draco was clearly self-destructing himself, for his skin was looking a little grey, a little sickly and pale, with dark circles under his eyes. His hair wasn't carefully gelled back into his usual neat style. It hung around his face in thin and loose strands. He lost a lot of weight, and the smile he was giving Slughorn was fake. He wasn't happy at all, he was extremely stressed. Observing all of this, Severus couldn't help but fear for Draco's mental health. It was clear that the weight of the task was too heavy for Draco to bear. It seemed like Severus wasn't the only one hanging on by a thread, Draco looked like he was barely hanging on as well, and was in danger of letting go, falling down a dark place where Severus could no longer reach him.

Severus didn't want Draco to turn out like Harry, falling into cutting and suicidal thoughts. And thinking that, Severus began to feel an intense worry and fear for his godson. He also began to feel the heavy weight of guilt for not trying hard enough to help Draco. Harry was right. Draco didn't have to do this task, there were other options. Albus could have Draco under his protection. And Narcissa's vow only stated for Severus to protect Draco, to keep him alive, and if he can't perform the task, then Severus would have to step in. Albus had already destined Severus to perform the task. The bottom line was Draco didn't have to do this. And Severus didn't try hard enough to make Draco understand that, he gave up too easily. If this were Harry in Draco's place, Severus would've fought way harder. And with that last realization, Severus decided to take this chance to reach out to Draco once again.

"Draco, a word," Severus stepped forward, noticing for the first time that Harry was still besides Luna, his green eyes on Severus and Draco.

Severus passed Harry, whispering quietly to his son, "Don't you dare follow me. Stay here." Harry scowled as a reply, letting Severus know he was heard.

After shrugging Slughorn's protests off, Severus then grabbed Draco roughly by the shoulder, pulling him away from the crowd and pushing him forward, forcing his godson to walk ahead of him. As they marched through the parting crowd, towards the door, Severus' fear, anger, and guilt towards Draco was rising high. But the eyes of the parting crowd couldn't see that, just the expressionless mask, Severus had on, revealing nothing. Except for one person in the crowd, and suddenly Severus caught the eyes of Remus Lupin for the first time that night

And Severus knew by the worried look Remus shot him, that he saw the turmoil of emotions going on inside Severus. Those hazel-green eyes were seeing right through his mask, making Severus' head spin as he left the room without acknowledging Remus. Dragging Draco out into the corridor and into a nearby classroom, it was because of that worried gaze that made Severus forget to put up a silencing charm, just in case Harry didn't do as he was told.

A Special Thank You for all of your kind and wonderful reviews! The main Motivation that keeps me writing!

Imaginer.012

LunePrimus

And the five Reviewers under Guest

If you guys were confused about Severus seeing Harry's broken wall in this chapter, awhile back ago I've started rewriting Already Home. In chapter 18 The Monsters in the Shadows, I added a scene where Severus first finds that wall for the first time, that's what Severus is referring to when he finds the wall broken in this chapter, I hope this doesn't cause any confusion.

Also, I think I kind of accidentally made Remus out to be a coward in the last chapter which wasn't my intention, but it's okay, I'll go with it, lol. Just don't be so harsh with him, he's going through things, and the two reviews calling him a cowardly werewolf did make me laugh lol.

Okay, that's it haha, and I hope you liked this chapter, please tell me what you think, and next update will be sometime in July.