Chapter Sixteen - We're All Mad In Our Own Way
Disclaimer: I don't own the song lyrics from Fall On Me By A Great Big World or the Passage from Alice's Adventures In Wonderlandby Lewis Carrol
Warning: Adult Sexual Content
Sooner or later the lights up above
Will come down in circles and guide me to love
I don't know what's right for me
I cannot see straight
I've been here too long and I don't wanna wait for it
Severus had woken up early the next morning with Remus' song stuck in his head, and the memories of last night replaying over and over. The sun was barely rising. He couldn't go back to sleep, not with those eyes in his head, not with the ghost of those soft lips still on his own.
How did Severus go from sulking among the party-goers, drinking too much wine as he drowned in his heartache, to being serenaded, then spending the rest of the night kissing Remus Lupin out in the courtyard with snowflakes landing in their hair and on their shoulders?
Now they were boyfriends. Severus couldn't believe he had a boyfriend! Severus never thought this sort of thing would happen to him, to find someone special enough to accept and understand him, even all the darkest parts of him.
And it was so hard to leave Remus in front of his portrait door last night, when all Severus wanted to do was to continue kissing him.
Severus stayed in bed. Not noticing the sun climbing higher into the sky until its rays began to brighten his room with a soft glow. Severus was too lost in his thoughts, replaying Remus' song in his head. His voice had certainly enchanted Severus last night.
Fly like a cannonball straight to my soul
Tear me to pieces and make me feel whole
I'm willing to fight for it
To feel something new
To know what it's like to be sharing a space with you
The lyrics of that song gave Severus shivers with their underlying message. And the way Remus locked his gaze onto Severus as he sang, his voice echoing around the candle-lit room. Severus felt his stomach clench at the memory.
Closing his eyes, Severus tried to savor the feel of Remus in his arms, the taste of Remus on his tongue as he kissed and suckled at his neck. Severus was certain Remus' intoxicating scent still lingered on himself. And the way Remus' face was so close to Severus' own, that all Severus could see were those hazel-green eyes that always reminded him of a wooded forest in the summertime… Merlin…Severus already missed Remus, even though they've only been separated for a short amount of hours.
Severus wondered if Remus was still sleeping. Perhaps Remus was just waking up with the memory of last night on the forefront of his mind, just like Severus had. Is he thinking of me?
"Sev?" Harry called out, snapping Severus out of his day-dreaming.
Severus pulled himself out of bed, shivering slightly from the cold air of the dungeons. He put on his warm bathrobe over his pajamas, then combed his fingers through his hair, smoothing out the tangles before meeting Harry.
Severus hadn't meant to stay in bed that long. He had planned to be up before Harry arrived. And Severus found his son standing by the portrait door, dressed in muggle jeans and a Weasley sweater with his knapsack packed to spend the holidays in their quarters.
"Are you barely getting up?" Harry asked at the sight of Severus still in his pajamas and messy hair.
"Long night," Severus only said, giving Harry a one-armed hug. "Breakfast?"
Harry grinned at Severus as he put his knapsack down on an armchair. "Yeah, it was a long night," he laughed.
"Do you want breakfast or not?" Severus asked again with annoyance.
"I could use some food," Harry laughed again.
Severus rolled his eyes at his son's antics as he turned back around towards his room.
"Just give me a few minutes to shower and dress. Why don't you floo call Remus?" Severus suggested, feeling his stomach flip at himself for mentioning his new boyfriend's name.
"Okay, did he have a long night too?" Harry called out, just as Severus was closing his bedroom door.
Out of the shower, and holding his wardrobe open, Severus stared at his many pairs of black pants, his white shirts, and long black robes. And for the first time in years, Severus wished he had something different to wear.
Severus caught his reflection in the small hanging mirror on the wardrobe door. His wet hair was plastered against his head and neck. Once it dried out, it would resume its usual oily look. No matter how much Severus washed his hair, the potion fumes always had that effect on him. However, his hair wasn't as bad as it used to be back when he was a teenager. Severus looked into his own cold black eyes. His skin was too pale to be considered attractive. Behind his chapped lips were his crooked teeth. His nose was certainly too big, a flaw that the Marauders never let him forget. Severus didn't need their reminding, he knew he wasn't a handsome man. Not like Remus who was considered easy on the eyes with his soft features and golden hair. And with those friendly eyes and that mischievous smile. Remus, who always wore muggle clothes when wizarding robes weren't required.
And the question: what did Remus find attractive in him? burned in Severus' mind, making him feel more self-conscious than ever before.
Severus sighed in defeat at the sight of his robes. These would just have to do.…
Once he was done getting dressed, Severus found Harry in the kitchen pulling things out to make eggs for breakfast.
"Sit down, son, I got it. Remember, you're not allowed to cook anymore for anyone until you come of age."
Harry shrugged. "I got the coffee going for you."
"Okay, you're allowed to do that and only if you want to."
Severus poured himself a cup, enjoying his first sip. The aroma of the coffee took away all of his insecurities, making him feel silly. Severus knew Remus liked him for more than just his looks.
"What's with you and coffee?" Harry asked, taking his usual seat at the table.
"You'll understand when you're older," Severus said, taking another sip before placing his mug down on the counter to get started on breakfast.
"So you really don't want to talk about last night?" Harry asked teasingly.
"What's there to tell?" Severus said, cracking eggs open into a bowl.
"Fine, be that way," Harry sighed in defeat.
"You're way too much in my business for my liking," Severus said as he finished cracking the last few eggs and began to whisk. "Did you ever get a hold of Draco? Is he joining us for the holidays?"
"Yeah, I told Draco that he's welcome to come here. But I don't think he's going to," Harry said. The teasing tone in his voice was gone, replaced by resignation.
"You tried, Harry. That's all we can do. Draco knows there's support from us if he ever decides to take it."
"I know… And now I see why you're keeping your distance. Hovering over him just pushes Draco further away. When I talked to him, I could see the suffering in his eyes, hear it in his voice. He doesn't look good. Draco really doesn't want to perform the task, but he says he has no choice. I told him there is but he wouldn't listen. He's so bloody stubborn!"
"Just like someone else I know," Severus only said, pouring a bit of cooking oil into a pan.
"Hey!"
"Did you floo call Remus?" Severus asked, successfully hiding the nervousness he felt at seeing Remus again.
"Yeah, he's getting dressed and packing. He's mentioned the cabin!"
"Yes, we're spending the holidays there. So after breakfast, make sure you have everything that you want to take with you ready, and bring your homework."
"Awww, Dad. Can't that wait till we get back?"
"No complaining. Speaking of homework, what's with you and Potions all of a sudden?" Severus asked as he began to pour the raw eggs into the pan. He missed Harry's face pale at the mention of Potions.
"What do you mean?"
"Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about!" Severus snapped as he turned towards Harry with a spatula in his hand.
Just then the living room glowed green and a moment later, Remus stepped into the kitchen wearing his usual light blue muggle jeans and a green sweater. Harry looked relieved at the interruption of their conversation.
He's definitely hiding something! Severus scowled at his stubborn son, then his eyes landed on Remus standing in the doorway of the kitchen.
And Severus couldn't help but stare.
His heartbeat increased, Severus suddenly felt his hands shake. No one had ever made him this nervous before. Severus' eyes briefly glanced Remus up and down, admiring the way his jeans seemed to hug his slim figure. The green sweater looked soft, and it brought out the hazel color of Remus' eyes.
"Morning, lads," Remus greeted them shyly, meeting Severus' gaze. And Severus knew he was caught checking Remus out. The corner of Remus' lips turned upward into a small smile, his cheeks blushing.
Fall on me
With open arms
Fall on me
From where you are
Fall on me
With all your light
With all your light
With all your light
And the song was in Severus' head again as he held Remus' gaze. Then the memory of Remus sitting so close to Severus in the courtyard flashed through his mind, momentarily making Severus forget what he was doing.
We're boyfriends! Severus thought again, still in disbelief.
And the way Remus was looking back at him, Severus knew he was remembering the events of last night as well.
Harry suddenly cleared his throat pulling Severus back down to earth.
"Eggs are burning, Sev."
"Shit! Fuck!" Severus exclaimed, spinning around and scraping the burnt egg off the pan with the spatula, causing Harry to laugh.
As Severus began to make a new batch of scrambled eggs, he listened to the conversation between Harry and Remus. They were planning which muggle films to watch over the break, and the days to go snow sledding, and if they could invite the Weasley children over for a day.
Suddenly Severus felt Remus' presence near him, causing him to lose all feeling in his legs. It took all of Severus' skill to keep his mask on and remain nonchalant. Severus side-eyed Remus to see him reaching up for a mug in the cabinet. And he wished he could just pull Remus close and kiss him good morning, but Severus was too shy with their relationship being so new, and with Harry sitting at the table.
"Do you need help with that?" Remus asked as he poured himself some coffee. Then added a large amount of cream and sugar into it.
"You can take all that to the table." Severus gestured to the stack of plates and cutlery sitting on the counter.
Remus adjusted his collar, briefly flashing a red bruise on his skin, just where his neck met his shoulder. He casually winked at Severus before covering it back up and going back to the table with the dishes in his hands. That little display of mischief caused Severus' cheeks to blush so red. Severus was thankful his back was turned towards Harry so he couldn't see the effect Remus had on him.
"So, the cabin?" Harry asked excitedly as they all sat around the table eating. "Are we going to stay the whole holiday?"
Severus looked at Remus. "Would you have us there that long?"
"Of course, that cabin has been empty for far too long. Consider it your home away from here," Remus said.
An hour or two later they traveled by the Floo network to the cabin this time. They were hindered because Harry had a hard time getting a hold of his owl in the Owlery. Hedwig was now hooting softly in her cage as Remus unlocked the cabin door.
"It's like we never left," Harry grinned as they all stepped inside.
Right away they began to dust and clean up the cabin a bit to make it as comfortable and homey as possible. Remus had found boxes of Christmas decorations in his father's tool shed, so they spent the morning decorating the cabin as well. Then after a quick lunch, Remus led them through the forest paths in search of a Christmas tree.
Severus couldn't get over how happy Harry seemed as they trudged through the snow, wearing Remus' old muggle snow jacket. Severus also didn't miss the looks Harry kept shooting at him and Remus, leading Severus to wonder if Harry knew something about last night.
Remus had also brought back Severus' winter robes. Severus couldn't help but remember the night he had placed them on Remus, who was shivering in the icy cold air on top of the Astronomy Tower. That night seemed so long ago. He bet if he closed off his senses and concentrated, Severus could smell Remus' scent on them.
As the day grew older, the shyness between Severus and Remus had faded away. Since they were around Harry, they found themselves slipping into their easy friendship once more, as if the previous night never happened. Yet for Severus, it was hard throughout the day to not just hold Remus' hand whenever he was close, just for a reminder that they were more than just friends.
Severus knocked gently on Harry's bedroom door. It was late now. Remus was cleaning up the living room, clearing away the boxes from the Christmas tree decorations and the empty hot cocoa mugs.
"Come in," Harry called out.
Severus entered the bedroom, finding Harry laying in bed and reading Quidditch Through The Ages.
"Don't you ever read anything else?" Severus asked, pulling the old wooden desk chair to Harry's bedside and sitting down, silently hoping it wouldn't crack under his weight.
"It's better than the girly novels Remus has in here."
Harry glanced at the stack of old books on the night table as he pulled himself to a sitting position with his back resting against the headboard.
Severus picked one of them up, noticing the white rabbit on its green cover as he wiped away the dust. "Alice's Adventures In Wonderland," Severus read aloud, then flipped through the pages. The scent of old books invaded his senses. "Maybe you have a point."
"The full moon is in a couple of days, right before Christmas. Do you think Remus will be okay going back to Hogwarts to change in the shack by himself? Why can't he change downstairs?"
"How do you know what's in the basement?" Severus asked, surprised at Harry's intuitiveness.
"Why else would it be locked? Remus never talks about it…of course that's where he used to change."
"It's really dark down there. And Remus wants to be as far away as possible from you in his werewolf form," Severus said, remembering the night Remus took him down to the dark basement. The metal cage gleaming in his memory.
"But Remus has the Wolfsbane Potion, it's safer now. I've been around his werewolf form about twice already."
Severus remembered those two nights clearly. The first time, Remus changed without the protection of the Wolfsbane Potion. It was in Harry's third year. Severus recalled how he had woken up alone in the Shrieking Shack. He then made his way out of the tunnel, back on Hogwarts grounds, just in time to protect Harry and his friends from an advancing Remus Lupin werewolf. Luckily for them, the wolf had run off before it could do any damage. The second time wasn't too long ago. It was right at the end of the summer when Greyback had kidnapped Harry. And again luck was on their side that no one was hurt. Remus had the protection of the Wolfsbane and was able to keep most of his mind to focus on fighting Greyback, while Severus got Harry out of the rotten cellar. Severus remembered his raw fear at the possibility of losing Harry to Greyback, or of Harry suffering just like Remus. And he understood why Remus chose to change as far away from Harry as possible, even if the cage in the Lupin's cellar was an easier choice.
"And those two times were too close for my liking. You're lucky you weren't bit. It's better this way, safer. It'll put Remus' mind at ease so he doesn't end up hurting himself. Don't worry yourself over Remus. He's been doing this for a long time."
"I'll try not to," Harry sighed as he closed his book and placed it on the night table, then pulled his knees up to his chest. "I just can't stop thinking that he'll be alone. And after what he's told me, Remus is dealing with depression just like me. He's hurting like me. I wish there was something we could do to help him."
Noticing the glum expression on Harry's face, Severus impulsively decided to tell him about his Animagus project. Maybe it would put Harry at ease to know that soon Remus wouldn't have to spend full moons alone, hurting himself in the Shrieking Shack. "I have a secret to tell you, but you have to promise to not tell Remus or anyone else. Can I trust you, son?"
"A secret?" Harry said, his eyes now on Severus. "Yeah, I won't say anything. I promise."
"I'm in the process of becoming an unregistered Animagus."
"You are!" Harry exclaimed with shock and excitement.
"Lower your voice! You know Remus has very good hearing."
"Oh, right, sorry. You're doing it for him are you?"
"Just like you, I worry about him being alone as well. Remus is getting older. Even though he would never admit it, the changes are taking its toll on him. It would help if I was there with him, making sure he didn't chew himself up. That last injury he had was bad."
Harry slowly nodded, staring at Severus with an earnest expression. "Severus, do you love him?"
Deciding to be truthful, Severus nodded. "I do, kid… I'm falling in so deep, it scares me."
Harry smiled.
"You've known for awhile that Remus and I were becoming something?" Severus asked, impressed by Harry's intuitiveness once more. "You're very observant."
Harry shrugged. "You two are just like Ron and Hermione. It doesn't take a genius to realize something was going on between you two. I was just waiting for both of you to stop being idiots and see that you're both crushing on each other. Now if only Ron and Hermione can realize their feelings for each other… Then I can have some peace and quiet."
"Okay, Mr. Genius, how about we talk about you and Miss Weasley?"
"There's nothing to tell. She's with Dean Thomas…"
Severus shook his head in exasperation, then asked, "Do you remember our camping trip and that time I showed you how to meditate?"
Harry nodded.
"You've asked me if I was happy… I told you I wasn't quite there yet…"
"And I made you promise to tell me when you've found it," Harry said, watching Severus with round eyes. "Your happiness…"
"I found it, Harry. I found it in you and in Remus. You two are my family."
"Dad…" Harry said, looking immensely touched.
Severus only shrugged. "Okay, enough of that. Let's get you settled for the night."
Harry scooted down into the blankets, making himself comfortable.
"Mental health check," Severus said.
"I'm happy right now… I'm excited for the next few days to spend Christmas with my dads, and going to the Burrow."
"What are you looking forward to the most?"
"Christmas breakfast."
"That's interesting, why is that?" Severus asked, suddenly remembering that heartbreaking memory of Harry crying in his cupboard while the Dursleys enjoyed their holiday breakfast together.
Severus had been wanting to bring the memory up to Harry. The things Severus saw in that memory were horrific. A young Harry locked up alone, not able to go to the bathroom, forced to wet himself, and crying without an ounce of love or sympathy from the Dursleys. Is this memory the reason why Harry's answer was Christmas breakfast?
"The Christmas' I had growing up weren't fun. It was just me being locked up the whole day. They would literally forget about me until it was time to start cooking," Harry said with his voice suddenly cracking.
Severus could feel the emotions coming off from the teen. The same ones Severus felt when he was inside Harry's head. The rejection, the hunger, deep sadness, and the burning question: what is wrong with me?
"When you showed me your broken wall, I saw a glimpse of what you're talking about. It was a memory, you were about four and you were on your cot crying. The smell of breakfast was wafting inside your cupboard. I heard the Dursleys opening up presents. You were alone… Harry, nothing is wrong with you."
"I know…I know…" Harry's face was beet red. He was no longer looking at Severus as he began to rub anxiously at his arm.
"I would pee myself every year when they did that. Dudley was always excited for Christmas morning, he always got presents. For me, I just got humiliated and abused. That was how I spent Christmas until I started going to Hogwarts. It's fine wetting yourself when you're a little kid… It just gets embarrassing when you're nine or ten… Dudley would always laugh at me while Aunt Petunia made me clean up my mess."
Severus reached over and covered Harry's hand with his own, holding on tight to prevent his son from rubbing at his skin. Harry flinched and tore his arm away.
"I'm sorry… This is just so embarrassing… No one knows about this…" Harry muttered, wrapping his arms around himself.
Severus successfully hid his frustration for fear of an argument breaking out. They were conversing well until now. Severus looked around the bedroom, trying to spot something he could use to distract Harry from hurting himself.
Severus stood up and went to Remus' old desk, rummaging through the drawers until he found a purple muggle marking…marker? Severus had forgotten what it was called but he knew it contained ink inside, that it was for children to draw with, meaning it could easily be washed off. He opened the cap and touched the tip to his wrist. It left a purple dot.
Perfect… Severus thought, then he sat back down on the old wooden chair.
"Hey, kid," Severus said gently, trying to catch Harry's gaze. "Look at me now. Do you see what I'm holding? Can you tell me what this is?"
Harry looked up slowly, meeting Severus' gaze. Then his eyes landed on the purple muggle instrument in Severus' hand.
"It's a marker…"
"Fascinating things muggles come up with, huh?" Severus said as he examined it. "What does it do? Remus has a bunch of these on his desk."
"You use it to write with or draw. It's like a quill, but you don't need the ink pot. It's for kids really…"
"How does it work?"
Harry took the marking and pulled off the cap. He grabbed Severus' hand and drew a small lightning bolt shape onto his palm.
"I thought you grew up with muggles, shouldn't you know what this is?" Harry asked, concentrating on his drawing.
"It's been a long time since I've been in that world. I'm afraid I've forgotten a few things, such as a mark and its uses."
"It's a marker," Harry corrected, examining his finished lightning bolt.
"Can you do me a favor, Harry?" Severus asked.
Harry looked up, letting go of Severus' hand.
"Whenever you need to cut or you start scratching or even rubbing at your arms, try to use the marker to draw on yourself instead."
Harry shot Severus a confused look, but did as he was told.
Severus watched Harry in silence for a few moments as he drew a purple lightning bolt onto his wrist, before continuing their conversation.
"Try not to dwell on those memories. It wasn't your fault, none of that. They were wrong to lock you up like that. Every time you get lost in them, remember that you're safe now with me and Remus. We'll never humiliate you like that or forget about you. You're loved by us so very much, Harry. And I'll always keep reminding you that."
At first Harry didn't reply. He focused on tracing and retracing the lightning bolt on his wrist. Then Harry finally closed the cap and reached over to place it on the night table.
"Dad…"
"Yes, son?"
"What you and Remus are doing for me now, I really appreciate it. I know you guys would never treat me like how the Durselys did. It's not even about the holiday traditions that I'm excited about. It's just being part of a family, not being locked up and forgotten. That's what I mean by saying I'm looking forward to Christmas breakfast."
Severus reached over and smoothed down his son's wayward hair, surprised that this time Harry didn't shake his hand away. Severus then gently took off Harry's glasses, placing them on top of Quidditch Through the Ages.
"You also said you were happy today," Severus said. "What was it that made you feel that way?"
Pulling the covers closer to himself, Harry smiled softly as he said, "Cus I had fun with you and Remus today. I've never been Christmas tree hunting before, let alone decorate one. And Remus' hot cocoa was so good…"
"He still won't share the recipe with me..."
"Do you think I'm a bit closer to finding my happiness soon?" Harry asked.
"I think you're very close, Harry. Remember, you have to tell me when you find it. Do you promise? Just like when you made me promise you."
"I promise."
Severus' mask was securely on, hiding the heartache he felt at Harry's words. Just hearing Harry opening up, telling Severus how happy he felt today with him and Remus, it was breaking Severus. Harry had worked so hard to get to this point. His mental health was in such a better state than it was last summer. And Severus was going to take all of this away once he completed Albus' task. Harry was going to break in the aftermath of Severus' betrayal, but Severus knew his son was strong. Harry would get through it... He'll have to...
And Albus' words rang in Severus' head, "In the end, he'll know why you had to. In the end, he'll see that you did all you could to help him through this war."
Chasing the echoes of Albus' words away from his mind, Severus decided not to dwell on their cloudy future and just enjoy this moment with his son, because very soon everything was going to be ripped away from them. Severus just wished there was some way to prepare Harry for it instead of blindsiding him.
Albus and his fucking secrets!
"It's time to get some sleep, kid, close your mind," Severus said softly. "Take a deep breath and let it out…"
"Sev, do you think Draco will still think about our invitation and want to show up? Does he know we aren't at Hogwarts anymore? What if he changes his mind and can't find us?"
"Don't worry about that, I'll be checking up on him. Now close your eyes and take a deep breath. Acknowledge that thought, and let it go..."
Harry closed his eyes, taking a deep breath.
For several moments Severus continued to guide Harry to breathe, to untense his muscles with each exhale to help close off his mind.
Then Harry suddenly opened his eyes again.
"You know, you and Remus don't have to hide your relationship from me. If you want to hold hands in front of me or whatever, it's okay. It'll be like having normal parents around that love each other."
"Thank you for telling me that. Now acknowledge that thought and let it go," Severus said softly. "Take a deep breath now. Let it go. Picture that waterfall again. Close your mind off by noting the ripples of the flowing water, the colors that you see, and how it may feel... And if you feel another thought coming up, acknowledge it, let it go, then start over… Keep picturing that waterfall as you breathe in and out. Remember to relax your muscles…"
Half an hour later, Severus closed Harry's bedroom door softly behind him.
Harry was starting to get better at shutting his mind down, although tonight it was hard. He kept getting distracted, voicing whatever thought that would pop up into his mind. For the most part, Harry was talkative and happy tonight. It wasn't very often that side of him showed, and Severus always appreciated those moments. That was why he was so patient tonight, starting over and over until Harry's mind was finally settled.
Now that Harry was finally asleep, Severus realized he and Remus were alone together for the first time since last night. And Severus' stomach clenched nervously at the thought, wondering what Remus had been doing while he was with Harry.
The cabin was quiet and all of the muggle lights were dimmed. The flames in the fireplace were dancing merrily in its grate. The Christmas tree with all of its colorful lights and gold yellow star was standing in front of the large living room window. They had spent the evening decorating that thing. Severus thought the muggle decorations were a bit tacky, but they did remind him of his mom and the Christmases they used to have. Severus' gaze traveled down, and suddenly he found Remus laying underneath the Christmas tree.
It was an odd sight to see Remus' legs poking out. His upper body and head was hidden underneath the branches. Severus suddenly remembered how Lily used to lay under the tree the exact same way, when Severus spent the Christmas holidays at her home. How could Severus have forgotten she used to do that? Did Lily and Remus used to lay under the Christmas tree together? Was it a thing they've once shared? Would she have done that with Harry if she'd lived?
With those questions burning in his mind, Severus crawled down on his hands and knees, joining his boyfriend under the tree, laying beside him. Severus' heart fluttered at being so near Remus for the first time since the morning.
"Are you comfortable under here?" Severus asked, laying his head next to Remus' on a green velvet pillow.
"Comfortable enough. Lily and I used to do this all the time. Just laying under the branches, admiring all the colorful lights up above, talking about things… She always thought white Christmas lights were boring and no fun at all. Colored lights were always more magical to her."
And Severus could see why Lily had once thought that. The colorful lights reflecting in Remus' eyes were indeed magical.
Severus then moved his gaze upward to the colorful, twinkling lights wrapped around the pine branches. "Do you miss her sometimes? Like I do?" he asked.
"Do you mean like when it's just a normal day, and you haven't thought of her in awhile. You think you're finally healed. Then something trivial reminds you of her, or Harry does or says something that's just Lily. And it's like you've been struck by the heavy news of her death all over again, as if she died just yesterday. Her loss just gets you right in the heart."
"That's exactly what I mean," Severus sighed.
"You know, Severus, I see Lily in you too sometimes. She's certainly left her mark on you."
Surprised at Remus' words, Severus lifted himself up onto his elbows, looking down at the werewolf. "You do?" he asked.
"Yeah, you guys have been best friends since you were children, weren't you? I see her in the small things that you do. Like the way you're addicted to coffee, Lily was the same way. Oh, if James started an argument with Lily before she had her caffeine fix…" Remus laughed. "And I see her in the way you're with Harry, the way you handle his panic attacks. Lily used to handle her own the same way as well. Even the way you pronounce certain words, or do certain things. It's clear you've grown up together."
"I've never realized that…" Severus said with shock, his heart aching for the loss of his best friend. "Her loss is always going to hurt, isn't it?"
Remus nodded. "Having Harry around somehow softens it a bit, don't you agree? I know he's not Lily… Harry's his own person…"
"Remus, I know what you mean. It took me awhile to get over the pain I felt every time I looked at Harry. Then I got to know him, and somehow my grief for Lily lessened. It's never going to go away completely. She indeed left her mark on me, but I think I'm okay now. I can handle it. And yes, having Harry here with us…it makes it more bearable. He's a piece of her. In a way, Lily's still with us."
Remus sighed and closed his eyes. Severus didn't move. He gazed down at Remus laying beside him, admiring the way Remus' face seemed relaxed and at peace. The perfect arches of his eyebrows were half covered with his peppered golden and grey hair. Severus' gaze then landed on each pink scar that ran across pale skin. Then his eyes stopped on Remus' lips. They looked so inviting and soft. And surrounded by the twinkling colored lights and the strong scent of pine, Severus was just about to lean down to kiss them when Remus continued to speak.
"Christmas was always Lily's favorite holiday. If she were alive she would've made it so special for Harry. I'm glad you're doing the same thing for him."
"Did you see how happy Harry was when we were decorating the tree?" Severus asked, still admiring Remus' features.
"Yeah, his face lit up when I plugged in the lights. Harry's never done this before, has he?"
"No, he was always shut up in the cupboard when the Dursleys celebrated Christmas. We were just talking about it in his room right now."
Remus opened his eyes, letting out a sigh of anger mixed with sadness. He turned towards Severus with a serious expression. "What did Harry tell you?"
Feeling the strain from leaning on his elbows for too long, Severus laid back down on the velvet pillow. His dark hair intermingled with Remus' golden and grey locks as he began to describe the memory he'd seen of Harry being locked up and forgotten, to the point where he was starved and forced to wet himself. Severus described how triggered Harry had gotten while talking about those memories, and how Severus was able to distract him. He showed Remus the purple lightning bolt on his palm as he explained why it was so important for Harry to have the best Christmas this year, especially since it was unknown how the state of the wizarding world would be by next Christmas.
"And how did you come across this memory?" Remus asked, once his initial horror and shock began to fade. He wiped away the few angry tears that had fallen down his cheeks.
"We were practicing Occlumency. Instead of blocking me Harry allowed me into his mind, and I saw more of his childhood memories besides the Christmas one. He wanted me to see his mental wall. Do you remember the brick wall I've told you about? It is now nothing more than a pile of rubble on the floor. Which means…"
"Harry's starting to trust us," Remus finished Severus' sentence. "Is that why he's been more open and talkative lately? How's he doing with all those memories out of his wall?"
"Harry's doing okay. They weren't exactly repressed, just protected. And there's still a possibility of him getting more nightmares. We just need to be ready to talk to him whenever he decides to open up. And when Harry tries to hurt himself, distraction works really well with him."
Remus picked up Severus' hand, admiring the lightning bolt on his palm. "This is quite good…" Remus complimented. "It'll be easier to handle Harry when he gets triggered, now that you found a better way to calm him. Do you think I can get a lightning bolt tattoo if I ask?"
Chuckling at the werewolf's silliness, Severus closed his hand around Remus' own. He suddenly couldn't stand the shy distance between them any longer. Severus' heartbeat quickened as he pulled Remus closer to him, a bit afraid that Remus may push him away. But Remus did not, and Severus knew he was being stupid for thinking that. It felt so nice to hold him like this, with Severus' arm wrapped around Remus' waist and the weight of his head resting on Severus' shoulder. Looking down at Remus, Severus still couldn't believe that they were together. That this man in his arms fancied him, and Severus wondered for the second time that day, why? Severus didn't think of himself as handsome. He wasn't sure if he was good boyfriend material. And all of his insecurities suddenly overwhelmed him. Severus always wore the same black robes and his attitude was always sour. His nose was too big and his hair always looked greasy. Severus had never been in a real relationship before, let alone with another man. He was inexperienced. Wouldn't Remus want more than what Severus had to offer?
"What are you brooding about now?" Remus asked, angling his face upwards to look at Severus.
"Why do you like me? I'm not good-looking… I'm always in a mood… I have baggage… Everyone thinks I'm a slimy evil git… Remus, why would you choose me?"
Remus rolled over onto his stomach so that his chin was now resting gently on Severus' chest, and with an arm wrapped around him.
"I don't care about looks, I've got scars all over my face. Besides, I think you're quite handsome. And as for your baggage, I don't care for that. I've got baggage too. I'm not afraid of your attitude. I'm a beast every full moon and I'm depressed on the days before and after… And everyone who thinks you're a slimy git can go shove themselves. I fancy you for you, Severus. Like we've said to each other so many times over and over, we are two people full of flaws, yet still deserving of happiness. You make me happy. I think that is all that matters, don't you agree?"
"I just feel like maybe you deserve better than someone like me," Severus whispered, placing his hand on the small of Remus' back, admiring the softness of his green muggle sweater.
"You are the only one that can make me this happy," Remus said softly, his hazel-green eyes full of warmth and affection, and Severus just couldn't believe it was directed towards him. Who would've known that he, Severus Snape, the greasy bat who lives in the Hogwarts dungeons, would ever be fancied by someone like Remus Lupin.
And lost in those beautiful forest-green eyes with the colored lights still reflecting in them, Severus wrapped both of his arms around Remus and pulled him on top of him, loving the weight of Remus on his chest. The heat radiating from Remus' body warmed Severus up inside and out. And suddenly they were kissing slowly at first, then fervently exploring each other's mouths. One of Remus' hands was tangled in Severus' hair, pulling at his dark strands. Remus' other hand was on his chest. And Severus didn't care if he could no longer breathe. He took his breath from Remus' mouth, their tongues dancing together. Severus felt himself floating, as if he were falling even deeper in love with Remus. Severus didn't think this feeling was even possible, least of all for him. Now Severus understood why people described their happiness as walking on air, it certainly felt like that.
With that last thought in mind, Severus lost himself as he continued to make out with Remus. He gently began to move his hands up and down, feeling the shape of Remus' body resting on top of him. Severus began squeezing Remus' waist, wondering if he shall dare go lower. But before he could spark up his courage to do it, Remus pulled away.
Breathless and with red swollen lips that made the nether regions of Severus' pants feel a little tight, Remus looked down at him with dark eyes, and said, "Maybe we should cool down a bit, just in case Harry walks in here."
"You're right," Severus replied breathlessly as well. He wrapped his arms tightly around his werewolf, not quite ready for this moment to end.
Remus smiled. "You have to let go," he whispered, leaning down and kissing Severus again softly.
"Never," Severus muttered in their kiss. Yet he loosened his grip, allowing Remus to slide off of him. Remus then nestled himself back into Severus' arms, with his head resting back on his shoulder.
And still breathless, they stared up at the twinkling Christmas lights. Severus' head was still spinning from their make-out session.
"You don't have to sleep in your dad's study. I can take it this time. You should have a chance on the bed," Severus said, finally breaking the silence.
"Absolutely not. The office is uncomfortable and you're my guest. What kind of host would I be if I let you sleep in there?"
"Oh, I'm just a guest to you here? What happened to this cabin being home for me and Harry?"
"You know what I meant. Are we always going to be arguing about this? Why can't you just be happy taking the bed?"
"Hmm, I'll be happy taking the bed only if you're in it. We are boyfriends, aren't we?"
Remus suddenly sat up, bumping his head on the branches. "Ow!" he exclaimed, his hair caught in the pine branches.
"Stay still," Severus said, holding Remus close against him as he untangled his hair with one hand out of the branches.
"Maybe arguing under here wasn't such a good idea," Remus laughed.
After they brushed their teeth and changed into their pajamas, they both stood together in the room with the bed between them. Severus' heart was pounding with a mixture of nerves and excitement. Suddenly being in a relationship with Remus seemed all the more real to him. This bed between them made everything more real. Severus wasn't sure if he was ready for anything beyond kissing. Remus was obviously more experienced than him, having been in a previous relationship before. What if Remus had expectations Severus didn't know how to meet? Then Severus shook the negative thought away, remembering what Remus had just told him under the Christmas tree. None of that stuff mattered…only that Severus made Remus happy.
And with the bed between them, Seveus couldn't help but take in the old muggle t-shirt and flannel pajama pants Remus was wearing. The fabric of the t-shirt looked thin and frayed. Severus could see bits of skin peeking from underneath the holes. Despite his nervousness, those small glimpses of skin made him a bit curious, and he couldn't help but remember how nice it had felt when Remus was lying on top of him, soft and warm. And he remembered how he almost dared to bring his hands lower. Then Severus realized his eyes were lingering on Remus' shirt for far too long. Blushing, he met Remus' gaze.
"Nothing has to happen tonight, Severus. We'll take things slow," Remus said shyly.
Severus only nodded, too nervous to speak as they both finally climbed into the bed.
And it happened so fast. The intense nervousness that Severus was plagued with had suddenly washed away. It was as if Severus had been waiting for this moment ever since they'd shared their very first kiss as Remus sang to him in Black's bedroom. And Severus quickly thought of everything that had happened between them after that kiss… He wouldn't change a thing, the good and the bad, because every single detail was important. Every single moment they'd shared had brought them here on this bed, ready to start something new.
There was no hesitation, no fear, no insecurities or questions as Severus took charge and laid Remus down into the sheets, climbing on top of him and kissing him so deeply.
From underneath the thin layer of Remus' pajama pants, Severus could feel Remus' hard bulge pressed up against his thigh. It caused Severus to kiss Remus harder, who responded back with equal enthusiasm. Then Severus began to rub his own hard member against Remus' own, not quite knowing what he was doing. Severus figured his body was just reacting to natural instinct as he thrusted himself against Remus over and over.
"Severus…" Remus moaned from underneath him, almost causing Severus to be sent over the edge too soon. He reigned himself in by slowing down. Remus' hands were suddenly inside of Severus' pajama shirt, warming the skin that he touched, exploring the unknown parts of Severus' body.
Severus paused in their kissing, sitting up so he could take off his shirt. And leaning back down, Remus immediately began to cover Severus' chest with fast kisses, spreading his legs far apart so Severus could fit better between them, like two pieces of a puzzle, as they continued to thrust against each other.
And once they both finally released and cleaned themselves off, Severus layed on top of Remus who gathered him in his arms, both out of breath and sweating from exertion. They shared slowed kisses in silence until Severus hesitantly raised the hem of Remus' shirt.
Remus stopped kissing him. His hazel-green eyes were suddenly shy and self-conscious.
"I have a lot of scars," Remus whispered.
"I won't think any less of you," Severus whispered back.
Remus squeezed Severus tight before he leaned upward and pulled his shirt off, then laid back down into the pillows and sheets.
Severus' eyes ravaged Remus' chest and bare stomach. His skin was indeed marred by scars. Some were smooth and dark, some raised and pink just like the brand Greyback left on Remus' chest, just over his beating heart. And seeing the shiny, pink words: Werewolf: Classified Dark Creature, Severus could hear in his head, Remus' terrified screams. His eyes then traveled down to the largest scar on Remus' body. The shape of a wolf's bite on the lower right side of his torso.
Severus' hands explored the landscape of Remus' body. Remus only watched Severus with a quiet nervousness as he covered each scar with gentle kisses.
"I think they are beautiful," Severus whispered.
Severus had never woken up to another man sleeping besides him before. And he realized that he very much liked it. After what happened last night, Severus was certain he was attracted to men. It was a realization that had finally fully hit him, and Severus accepted it as he studied a sleeping Remus Lupin who was softly snoring as the morning light began to brighten up the bedroom.
Remus was laying on his side with an arm tucked under his head like a pillow. The blanket was draped over his waist, covering only his pajama pants. Severus, laying in a similar position, studied Remus' sleeping face in awe. He still couldn't quite believe that they were together, that last night actually happened, and that Severus was granted this unknown version of happiness. And not being able to help himself, Severus reached over and gently pushed golden and grey hair away from Remus' closed eyes.
Severus' gaze then traveled down to Remus' bare chest, studying the multiple scars that could be seen clearer in the morning light. Then his eyes traveled down to the largest scar on Remus' lower part of his torso. It was a huge bite mark that was the size of Greyback's jaws. The scar was red and raised, looking like it had freshly scabbed over and healed. It was hard to believe that the scar was over three decades old. Severus gently placed his fingers on it, feeling the ridges before placing light butterfly kisses on it. This was the scar that caused so much pain and difficulty in Remus' life. As a teenager, Severus had always wondered about it, of where it was, what it looked like, hoping for a glimpse of it to give him proof that Remus Lupin was a werewolf. Severus was ashamed of his younger self's actions. That he used to fear Remus, seeing him as nothing more but a dark creature.
Suddenly Remus let out a deep sigh in his sleep. Severus pulled Remus closer to him, not being able to stand the small distance between them any longer. He kissed the red bruises he had left on Remus' neck from their first make-out session in the courtyard. Severus was wondering if he should leave more when Remus opened his eyes and yawned.
"Did I wake you?"
"Yes, but it's a nice way to wake up," Remus said sleepily.
"I apologize…" Severus muttered, sucking on Remus' neck.
"Don't be…" Remus said softly, arching his neck to give Severus better access. "I had a dream… It wasn't a nightmare this time."
"Tell me about it…"
"I'm not even sure if it was a dream. Maybe I'm just remembering this… I was holding Harry as a baby. You were there. You were telling me to take your hand, that I needed to be strong."
Satisfied by the new blemishes left on Remus' skin, Severus stopped kissing his neck. He looked up, placing a hand on the side of Remus' face. Severus knew what Remus was talking about, it wasn't an ordinary dream he had.
"You were remembering me trying to pull you out of your wolf state of mind. The only thing that convinced you to take my hand was Harry. You pulled yourself out for him."
Staring into each other's eyes, Severus saw a hint of depression in those hazel and green depths.
"Are you okay, wolf?"
"I just sometimes wish Lily and James were still here for Harry. He deserves so much more than what we can ever give him as stand-in parents."
"I know… Believe me, I wish that all the time," Severus sighed. "Despite me hating Potter, he came from a loving family. He would've been a great father. Tell no one I said that, Remus."
Remus smiled softly and covered Severus' face with light kisses. "I'll never reveal this side of you." Remus then pulled Severus in for a deep kiss, which caused Severus' stomach to fill up with butterflies.
Once they pulled away, Remus sighed, then said, "I have something to admit. It's a thought I'm always wrestling with around the time of my changes, when my depression is at its peak."
Severus only held Remus close, waiting for him to continue.
"Sometimes when I'm in that dark place… Sometimes I wonder if what Sirius had said was true. That it should've been me who died rather than James. It's what he wished deep down inside, somehow Sirius saw a better future. And maybe he was onto something…"
"Remus…" Severus interrupted. He was not only shocked at what Remus revealed about Black, Severus also didn't like how casually Remus was speaking of his own death.
"No, think about it, Severus. Let's say I was there with Lily and Harry that night. Let's say James was out with Sirius, out of harm's way. If that would've happened, then Harry would've still had James. He would never have gone to the Dursleys, he would've never been abused by them. That is already one positive outcome."
Severus shook his head in disbelief, but didn't say anything as Remus continued.
"James would've stopped Sirius from going after Pettigrew, and he wouldn't have fallen the way he had. James would've held Sirius together in a way I never was able to. That's the second positive outcome. Sirius would still be alive, and he'll have James."
"No, Remus, I don't think that's true for even a heartbeat. Harry would've still suffered. No way Potter would've been the same if he had lived and Lily had not. And Black loved you. I think he would've reacted the same, maybe even worse. I don't think Potter could've stopped him from going after Pettigrew. No one could've… You know what he was like… Besides, if that scenario had happened, then we wouldn't have happened… Doesn't that mean anything to you?"
"Yes, yes of course it does. Forgive me and my melancholy, Severus."
Severus pulled Remus into a deep kiss. "You're forgiven," he said softly. "You know, I don't even think Black really wished that of you. He wasn't himself, he was in a very dark place. No one could've pulled him out of it, not even you. Don't you dare blame yourself anymore for his actions and his death. Don't you ever talk about your own death so casually like that, Remus. It hurts to hear you say that it might've been better if you had died. Next time when you have these dark thoughts, think of the positive outcomes to this scenario. That Harry is safe and happy with us despite his past. That you and I found each other. Harry and I are very happy and grateful that you're alive. Remember that, okay?"
Remus only nodded, his eyes suddenly shining with unshed tears.
"Now, shall we get up before Harry finds us here? I don't think I'm ready to explain this to him yet, although I think he already knows we're together. He told me last night it was okay if we wanted to hold hands and act like normal, loving parents around him. That we didn't have to hide this from him."
Remus laughed as he rolled off the bed. "He gets his intuitiveness from Lily." Catching his reflection in the large mirror of the dresser, Remus put a hand to his bruised neck.
"Merlin, Severus!" Remus laughed again with exasperation.
"I might've gotten carried away," Severus said sheepishly. He tapped his wand to Remus' neck, muttering a concealment charm.
"If only these scars could be hidden as easily," Remus muttered, gazing at his scared up chest in his reflection.
"They are beautiful scars. They don't need to be covered up."
"The full moon is coming closer. I'm sticking with my plan to change at the Shrieking Shack."
"I thought so, I'll accompany you there. Make sure you get there safely."
"You don't have to. I don't want to be a bother. Besides, you can't leave Harry alone."
"Harry can spend the night at the Burrow. He'll be happy to spend time with his friends. Besides, I want to help you, Remus. Let me help you. I need to check up on Draco anyways."
"Severus…" Remus sighed. "Okay…fine."
"Stubborn werewolf," Severus replied.
And as the days passed, days filled with snow sledding, muggle film days, and muggle board game nights by the fireplace with delicious hot cocoa, none of them for once stopped to think that this may be their only Christmas together. Severus had simply decided to stop brooding on Albus' task and just live in the moment with his boyfriend and son. And despite Harry's blessing on their new relationship, Severus and Remus still found themselves shy of public affection towards each other. Every moment Harry wasn't around, Severus and Remus stole kisses from each other every chance they had. At night they would hold each other tight, exploring each other in the darkness of their room.
And when the morning on the night of the full moon arrived, Severus didn't wake up to hazel-green eyes but golden eyes dark with a suffocating depression.
"Are you okay, darling?" Severus whispered softly. The term of endearment naturally rolled off his tongue for the first time, and Severus tried not to let himself feel hurt over Remus' lack of reaction towards it. It wasn't his fault. Remus wasn't himself right now.
Severus placed a hand on his boyfriend's arm. Meaning to only pull him close, but Remus flinched away.
"Remus, it's only me. I just want to hold you."
But it was clear Remus didn't want to be touched. He was withdrawn and quiet, his eyes not really seeing. He was lost in his depression, falling down to the dark place he so often spoke about. And Severus was trying his best to keep Remus from completely falling.
"I know this is because of the full moon tonight. Remember that you can fall on me. Remember your song," Severus said, his heart breaking to see Remus like this.
"Sooner or later it all comes apart. The walls are all shattered, I'm back at the start," Remus whispered softly, his golden eyes finally seeing Severus. "I'm trying to hold on, Severus, I really am. It's just hard. I had nightmares all night…I was back in that cellar." Then his eyes clouded once more and he hid his face behind his hands. "I'm sorry I'm like this… I'm sorry… I'm sorry… Just go…"
"Hey… Hey, it's okay. I'm not going anywhere. You're okay, you're safe. Greyback is far away from us. I won't let him hurt you again."
Severus knew it was wrong of him to force his company onto Remus, but seeing him like this, Severus had to do something. He pulled Remus against his chest, this time ignoring the way Remus flinched from his touch.
Severus hated how stiff Remus felt in his arms, whispering to him over and over…
"You know Harry and I love you very much. We want to spend most of this day with you…"
"Just know that I'm here, Remus. I'm holding you and you're safe…"
"It'll be time to get up soon, darling. Remember I'm making pancakes, and you're supposed to give Harry a morning lesson on that guitar before he gets dropped off at the Burrow. Remember those things that we planned today? You can lay down again once all that's done."
Not responding at all to Severus' gentle coaxing, Remus rolled away from him, burying himself into the covers.
"I want to be alone," Remus pleaded.
And so Severus let him be. He dressed silently, not wanting to bother Remus any longer. Severus took one last look at the Remus-shaped lump under the blankets before shutting the bedroom door softly behind him.
The first thing Severus did was rid the entire cabin of alcohol, including the bottles hidden in Lyall Lupin's study. Severus didn't want to return home to find a drunk Remus Lupin, then having to drag him all the way back to Hogwarts in time for his change at the Shrieking Shack.
As he locked up all the bottles away in the cellar, a place in the cabin Severus knew Remus would never go to, Severus couldn't blame Remus for refusing to change down here. Even if it would be easier. It was fucking dark and cold. And as soon as he brought down the last of the bottles, hiding them away with a few strong concealment charms, Severus booked it up the stairs as fast as he could and locked the cellar door.
Now that was done, Severus had to figure out what to do with Harry. He was sure Remus wouldn't want their kid to see him like that. Severus knew Remus struggled through the days around the full moon. Remus really hid his depression well, Severus didn't realize it was that bad until he saw the full effect it had on Remus this morning. He was completely closed off, unable to be reached. Every touch made Remus flinch away in fear, as if he were remembering the pain touch had brought to him when he was trapped in Greyback's cellar. And Severus remembered the last few full moons when Remus would hide away from everyone in his quarters; this is what he was hiding.
Finally deciding to take Harry out for a day of Christmas shopping before dropping him off at the Burrow, Severus began to place the last of the pancakes on a plate. Harry came into the kitchen wearing his Weasley sweater over his pajamas, his feet covered with brown woolen socks that looked as if they were once Remus'. Severus had made Harry get rid of every piece of clothing that was once his cousin's, including all of his uncle's socks. Those things were bloody disgusting.
"Morning, Sev…" Harry greeted, taking out the pitcher of pumpkin juice from the muggle icebox. He grabbed a glass from the cabinet and sat down at the table. "Is Remus still asleep?"
"He's resting for tonight. Listen, son, let's give Remus some peace and quiet,'' Severus suggested as he sat at the table, passing Harry his breakfast plate. "How about me and you go Christmas shopping in the village nearby, before I drop you off at the Burrow?"
"That sounds great, when do we leave?"
"Right after we eat."
Once breakfast was over, and Harry was in his room getting dressed and packing an overnight bag, Severus decided to bring a plate to Remus, and to let him know they were leaving. He found Remus in the same spot, laying on his stomach, buried under the covers with his eyes closed. Severus sat at the edge of the bed, placing the plate on the night table with a cup of tea. He muttered a stasis spell to keep them fresh.
Suddenly Severus felt eyes on him, causing the fine hairs on the back of his neck to prickle. Severus whipped his head back towards Remus. And to his surprise, Remus was watching him with eyes that weren't only his. They were clouded and unseeing, and if Severus stared into those golden eyes long enough, he could see the presence of the wolf.
Severus pulled himself together quickly. He didn't want Remus to see that he was unsettled by the wolf's gaze.
"Harry and I are going out to explore the muggle village nearby before I drop him off at the Burrow. That should give you a few hours of peace and quiet. Just send me a patronus if you need me, I'll be here in a heartbeat."
Severus felt his throat choking up a little as he spoke. For that wasn't his Remus behind those eyes, he couldn't touch Remus without him flinching away. And still, Severus had to try one more time. He gently put his hand on the small of Remus' back.
And even though it was expected, it still hurt to see Remus flinch away from Severus. He had to remind himself to not take it personally.
"I'll be off then… I love you, wolf," Severus said. There was no reply. And Severus' heart broke as he left the room.
"Is Remus really okay? Harry asked.
They were trudging through the snowy sidewalk, glancing at the Christmas decor and displays of the storefront windows. Severus was fascinated by how everything has changed since he was a kid. Muggles really knew how to get by without magic.
"He will be… You know it's the full moon tonight, Remus is just not himself. That's why I thought we should get out of the cabin and leave him be for a few hours."
"Does his depression get really bad around the full moon?"
It took awhile for Severus to respond as they continued walking. He didn't know what to do. Should he sugarcoat the truth to Harry? Or be honest? What would Remus want Severus to say? Severus then glanced at his son and realized Harry was young, but he was also almost an adult. He shouldn't have to be coddled anymore.
"Sev, how was Remus this morning?" Harry asked again.
"It was concerning… He didn't want to be touched... His eyes…" Severus took a deep breath, trying to gather his thoughts together. "Most of Remus' depression stemmed from what Greyback did to him. The full moon is a big trigger. In a few days, he'll be himself again. We just need to keep reminding Remus that he's safe with us now."
Harry looked up at Severus, his voice filled with concern as he said, "You're not going to break up with him are you?"
Severus stopped in his tracks. "Harry?!" he scolded.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for that to come off as rude. I don't want you guys to split, I really don't. I'm just worried for you, dad. You and Remus just started dating. It's not fair that you have to deal with his stuff as well as mine. Isn't this too much? It's understandable if you might…"
"No, don't finish that sentence. I understand what you're saying. I don't ever want you to think that I'll back out of this family because it's too hard. Give me more credit than that, kid. It's hard, yes, but it's worth it. I really don't regret anything. I've been alone for so long that having you two mental heads around will never be too much. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine."
"I'm sorry if I overstepped," Harry answered sheepishly.
"All is forgiven, son. I'm actually touched that you're looking out for your old man."
Harry only shrugged, then said, "Dad, am I really a mental head?"
"Yes, you and Remus both, but you're my mental heads."
Harry laughed.
"Dad…"
"Yes, son?"
"You can drop me off at the Burrow before lunch. Don't leave Remus alone for very long. He needs you more than me right now."
"Are you okay with that?"
"Yeah, I have a bunch of Weasleys looking out for me today. Remus only has you."
Harry suddenly stopped in front of a candy shop. "Can we get him some chocolate? Maybe it'll cheer him up a little. Even if Remus doesn't eat it, at least it shows that we care."
Severus agreed with his son's thoughtfulness, and they made their way inside. The warmth of the small shop washed over them along with the aroma of chocolate and sugar.
"Hey, after this, let's get something warm to drink?" Severus suggested.
"Yeah," Harry agreed.
After walking around the shop for a few moments, Harry picked a huge box of chocolate.
"Let's get this?"
Severus laughed. "If that doesn't cheer Remus up, I don't know what will."
When Severus returned home, the cabin felt empty and cold. After resizing all the shopping bags on top of an entryway table, Severus immediately went to the bedroom to check on Remus, wondering briefly if he had left. But to Severus' relief he found Remus asleep, still in the same position when Severus had left him that morning.
Careful to not make a sound, Severus knelt down by the edge of the bed, examining Remus' sleeping face. He looked tense, as if he were having a nightmare. Severus gave him a gentle kiss on the forehead, hoping it would ease his sleep. He then placed another blanket over him, remembering how easily cold Remus always gets.
Severus left the bedroom door open just a crack, just in case Remus awoke and could see he was home.
Feeling relieved that Remus was still here, Severus decided a cup of tea was exactly what he needed to calm his anxiety. Once the tea kettle was going, Severus started up the fireplace to warm up the cold cabin.
Moments later with his steaming cup of tea on the coffee table, Severus lost himself in one of Remus' old books, Alice's Adventures In Wonderland. Severus wondered what made this book appealing to Remus. Alice was one of the most daft characters Severus had ever read. If it wasn't for the creativity the author had put into this Wonderland, he would've just called it quits after the first few chapters.
"But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.
"Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat: "we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."
"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
Severus was just pondering over the passage he just read when Remus suddenly appeared in the living room, wrapped in the blanket Severus had covered him with.
Severus looked up in surprise. "Remus, come sit by me." He gestured towards the empty spot beside him on the sofa. "It's warm here by the fireplace."
Remus sat next to Severus, noticing the book in his hands. "Are you reading Alice's Adventures In Wonderland?"
"I found it in your old bedroom."
Remus read the passage Severus was currently on and chuckled. "The Cheshire Cat was always my favorite character.''
Severus glanced at Remus, relieved he was partly himself again, and no longer just an empty shell.
Severus closed the book and placed it on the coffee table beside his empty tea cup. He then gathered Remus into his arms.
"I've missed you," Severus said softly. He noticed the way Remus stiffened at first, then let himself sink into Severus' arms.
"I'm sorry for this morning…" Remus said quietly.
"Don't be, it's something you cannot help."
"Why are you so patient with me? This should scare you away. Me turning into a wolf and falling into deep depression every month. This isn't good boyfriend material."
Severus shrugged and indicated the book on the coffee table. "It doesn't scare me. Besides, I do agree with the Cheshire Cat, we're all mad in our own way."
Then before Severus knew it, Remus had pulled him in for a deep kiss, causing his stomach to fill with butterflies and the hurt he had felt earlier all faded away. All of this was worth it, if he could just keep kissing Remus. Once they were done they leaned their foreheads together and Severus was falling into those golden eyes. How could he have ever been unsettled by them?
"I love you, Remus, nothing you do can scare me away," Severus whispered, thinking about what Harry had asked him during their walk in the village. No way was he ever giving this up, no matter the stress it may bring. Besides, Severus had far greater baggage on himself. "There are things about me that may scare you away as well… And I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to call it quits."
"I would never."
"We'll talk more about my past when you're feeling better," Severus said, remembering Remus' request on the hill. That day seemed so long ago.
"I don't deserve you."
Severus layed down on the sofa, pulling Remus on top of his chest. "You deserve everything my darling, don't be so hard on yourself."
"You've been calling me darling," Remus said.
"It just sort of slipped. Do you like it?"
"I love it, now I have to call you something…"
"Mm…hmm..." Severus closed his eyes, maybe a nap with Remus on top of him was just what he needed before they set off to Hogwarts in a few hours.
Severus was just drifting off when Remus asked, "Where is Harry?"
That question made Severus open his eyes, peering at Remus with concern. They've been talking about their plans for the full moon for days. Severus had just said that morning he was dropping Harry off at the Burrow. Maybe Remus was still feeling a bit foggy from his heavy bout of depression this morning.
"Remember, Remus, I told you this morning I was taking Harry shopping. Then I was going to drop him off at the Burrow."
"Oh yes, I have forgotten. Did Harry have fun this morning exploring the village? They have a fantastic chocolate shop."
"Harry picked something out for you. Let me get it."
Remus climbed off of Severus. He stayed seated on the sofa with his golden eyes watching with curiosity as Severus made his way towards the entry table with all of the shopping bags.
Severus returned with the large box of chocolate and handed it over to Remus, who laughed loudly at the size.
And that was the best sound Severus had heard all morning.
They spent the rest of the afternoon napping together on the sofa. And when it was time to leave, Severus gently coaxed Remus awake. Remus' face was pale and his muscles were tense and sore, readying themselves for the upcoming change. Severus had managed to get a bit of tea and chocolate into Remus before they Apparated to Hogwarts.
The sun was setting behind them, its rays casting long shadows as they entered the tunnel underneath the Whomping Willow. During the journey Remus barely spoke. And once they were inside the bedroom of the Shrieking Shack, he immediately took off his clothes, handing them to Severus along with his wand. Then Remus sat crossed-legged on the bed, waiting for the full moon to rise.
"I don't want to leave you," Severus said, placing Remus' things on top of the wardrobe, out of reach from harm's way.
"I'm used to being alone. Don't worry about me."
"I'll be here as soon as the moon sets."
"Severus… It's time…" Remus gasped, his pupils dilated and he clenched his teeth together.
Severus didn't say anything more. He felt like he was leaving half of his heart behind as he made his way out of the tunnel.
The first thing Severus did once he reached the Hogwarts castle, was make his way to the Slytherin dungeons. He hoped Draco was still awake. Severus hated the fact that he was spending Christmas alone here. Even though Draco was annoying Severus to no end with his stubbornness, Severus still wanted his godson to be with them at the cabin.
The Slytherin common room was dim. The only light was coming from the fireplace. And it was empty except for the silhouette of Severus' godson sitting on the sofa, staring into the fire.
Severus didn't say a word as he sat down beside him.
Draco immediately bursted into tears, catching Severus off guard. He didn't expect Draco to break his cold facade right away. Maybe because it was the holidays, and Draco was spending it alone without his parents for the first time in his life.
Feeling pity for the boy, Severus placed a hand on Draco's shoulder. Severus didn't say anything, not wanting to upset Draco even more or give him any reason to leave.
And once the tears began to subside, did Draco finally speak.
"What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be off with Potter eating gingerbread cookies and singing Christmas carols together?"
"Harry misses you, Draco. I miss you… Forget all of our differences for right now. Put the task aside and come back with me."
Draco shook Severus' hand off his shoulder.
"No, I can't do that! The Dark Lord wants this done! I'm so close to figuring this out! So close, but it's so hard to fix!"
"Maybe if you tell me, I could help you," Severus coaxed, trying his best to keep his patience.
What was it that needed fixing? Did Draco mean to let that precious piece of information slip, or was the stress finally taking a toll on his mind as well?
"No! I've told you so many times!"
"Okay…okay, I understand. I won't offer my help anymore. I just want you to take a break. Harry and I are spending the holidays at a safe house. We would like you to join us, of course I can't tell you of the location."
Draco shook his head.
"No! Can't you understand that I need to get this done! I'm running out of time!"
"You hopeless child!" Severus snapped. "Just take a break! Can't you see that I care too much for you to see you fall like this?"
"Fuck off, Snape!" Draco shouted.
The young Slytherin suddenly stood up before Severus could stop him, and he began to run up the steps to the sixth year dormitories.
"Draco," Severus said, forcing his voice to sound calmer.
At first, Severus wasn't even sure if Draco had heard him. Then to his relief, the blonde teenager stopped on the fifth step with his back facing Severus. From where Severus was sitting, he could see Draco gripping the dark banister of the stairwell so tight, his knuckles were white as if to keep himself anchored down.
"Despite this war, despite my role, your task, and the danger we are all in, remember that I'm your godfather. I only want what's best for you."
Draco just hung his head at Severus' words, then continued up the stairs in silence.
Severus sighed in defeat. That kid is in too deep….
Severus was at a loss on how to reach Draco. It seemed like with each attempt at reaching out, he only pushed his godson further away. One day Draco would be so far away, Severus won't even be able to see him anymore. And he refused to sink into despair, he wasn't giving up on Draco. Severus waited in the common room for a little longer than he planned, hoping Draco would come back down and reconsider the invite, but he never did. So Severus left him a note, telling Draco to owl him if he should change his mind.
The full moon was big and bright. Severus admired it from his kitchen window as he sipped at his glass of red wine. It was strange being here alone in his quarters without Remus or Harry around. Severus had gotten used to being in their constant company for the past few days. And his thoughts traveled back to Remus in his werewolf form.
What was the wolf doing right now? Was he sleeping curled up on the broken bed? Was he howling out his loneliness and grief for his missing pack, for the trauma Greyback had put him through? Was he gnawing on himself to deal with his never ending restlessness, pacing the room, wanting to run free?
Severus chased those gruesome thoughts away. Since he knew he wasn't going to be able to sleep, Severus made his way to his private lab to check in on the progress of his Animagus Potion. Severus wished things could speed up, but he had to be patient. He couldn't screw up the process.
And when it was just a few hours before dawn, did Severus finally fall into a restless sleep on his sofa. A sleep full of unsettling dreams that he couldn't remember when he awoke, just as the full moon began to set.
A/N: Thank you everyone for being patient on this update. I really meant to get this chapter up weeks earlier, but things happened… and the chapter itself turned out longer than I had expected. I really hope you enjoyed my new chapter! Thanks for reading and reviewing, I'm always appreciating that! Love you guys! Next Update: Around the end of September!
Review Responses:
Imaginer.012
I honestly wasn't expecting Drarry to happen so soon, lol it just happened while I was writing the chapter! And thank you for always being my first reviewer!
Guest #1
I've been planning a Drarry scene, I just didn't know when nor expected it to be so soon. It just happened haha and it felt right for the story and timeline. Anyways, thank you for your review and stick around so you can see where I lead Harry and Draco.=)
Guest #2
It's okay, it was understandable lol. I'm just glad you get super excited to read my updates!
Guest #3
Yes, I know poor Severus. That happens a lot in this recent chapter I've posted. Where he's happy with his new family, but then Albus' task and Narcissa's vow is always hanging over him. Even though Severus has accepted Albus' task and understands it has to happen, it's just hard for him. He can't escape them. And thanks for your review!
Guest #4
Thank you for noticing my accomplishment! I celebrated your review! Haha! And congrats on being my 100th reviewer! Thank you for reading and enjoying my story! =)
Guest #5
Yes… haha very foreshadowing of something romantic happening…
Guest #6 (Sunshine)
Thanks for your review! And I'm curious about your theories, lol… Also I'm sorry I made you and everyone wait so long this month for this new chapter, things just happened … life… you know?
Guest #7 (Pat)
I'm not sure if this was meant to be mean or not… Anyways, who said this story was stopping? Lol! Thanks for leaving a review!
