Disclaimer: Own none of these characters, make no money from them.

Author's Note: WellI guess you knew this was coming right...

Fallen - part 23

"What?" Clarisse could feel her subjectivity quickly fading. She gripped the back of the chair that stood closest to her and took a deep breath as she stared at him. His smiling joyful face. "What did you say?"

"I said…" he stepped closer towards her and placed his hand over hers. "Marry me Clarisse."

"I…" she swallowed several times, closed her eyes and tried to steady her racing thoughts. "Why are you…" she faltered for a second then cleared her throat in an attempt to remain calm. "Why are you asking me this?"

"You know why, I love you, I want to spend my life with you."

"How? How Joseph… really… it isn't possible."

His smile disappeared. "But I want…"

She cut him off. "I can't believe you're asking me this, now after all I've said. All I've told you."

He pulled his hand from hers and leant back on the table deflated, watching as she angrily stomped across the kitchen. "I can't believe you."

"I thought you wanted it too."

"Marriage!" She almost screeched the word.

"To be with me, last night in the car you said, when I go you'll be heartbroken."

"I don't recall using that word." She said harshly.

"You said…" he mumbled over his words, trying to make everything right again, in his mind this went perfectly. "You said when I go you'll find it difficult."

"Of course I will, I don't randomly sleep with men you know, share my inner thoughts with them for a week then casually move on. But marriage! For gods sake, locked up in that fish bowl, no thank you."

"So that's it, you're response, a blunt no."

"Blunt? I thought my feelings on this were clear. At the palace, we discussed this, it's the reason I left in the first place."

"And the reason I chased after you, I need you."

She closed her eyes and dropped her head forward. "Joseph please you can't lay that on me, we're both old enough to know better, don't guilt trip me."

His stance suddenly stiffened. "Well I'm incredibly sorry to burden you ma'am."

"And don't be sarcastic." She flung her arms up. "God! Our last day together and you do this, there was no need, we knew the outcome, we knew the time limit."

"Forget this 'time limit'." He crossed towards her in a desperate attempt. "Please Clarisse, come with me."

"I will not go back to Genovia. Don't you understand that. I can't, not after all that happened there, what they think of me."

"They know nothing, nobody knows, only us…" he grabbed her flailing hands. "I want you near me, sharing every day."

"No, hell Joseph no, you're not listening to me. I won't marry you, I won't allow myself to be dragged into that life…"

"Being with me?"

"Being with you… when… you're always so damned busy, what do I do? Offer support, walk behind you everywhere, bowing to my husband! It's not me, now please, this morning is ruined, drop this now and we can try and enjoy the day."

"Enjoy the day! How, tell me how! When I know you're counting down the hours until you can get rid of me."

"Now you're being childish, I never said that." She watched as he slumped down at the kitchen table, the remnants of their breakfast still lay there, the now cold toast and quickly cooling tea.

"You've made me feel idiotic."

She groaned and ran her hand through her hair murmuring his name.

"Stupid, stupid old guy who thought she wanted more."

"I've told you what I want, you knew, you always knew, I made it clear from the start to avoid this. I didn't want this to happen."

"Like a fool, like some dumb fool."

"Joseph!" She repeated.

"Well isn't it true, stripped me of my dignity now, good job I wasn't on one knee you might have pushed me over."

"Don't be ridiculous." She sighed. "If you think I've taken your dignity then I apologise, but really, a man should be bigger than that, if he can't even accept some rejection in his life. But then you always get what you want."

"It seems not."

"Stop doing that…. That bloody look you give me, as if I hold all the answers, I don't."

He continued to stare at her until she broke their eye contact. "I can't do this, I can't…" she marched towards the lounge.

"Where are you going?"

"To change!" She barked back. "We were supposed to be going out."

Joseph remained sitting at the table.


Just over an hour later Clarisse brought herself to get up and go downstairs again. She still hadn't dressed, in fact she'd spent the entire hour lying on the bed hoping he'd come to his senses and come and apologise.

He didn't. And she certainly had no intention of apologising to him. Still, they couldn't spend the entire day at different ends of the house pretending the other didn't exist.

If there was one thing she hated it was an awkward feeling hanging between people, especially when it involved her. So she pulled herself together and went down to him.

Her anger had dissipated somewhat but she felt it resurfacing again when she found him still sitting at the kitchen table, breaking the toast up into crumbs.

Leaning on the doorframe she folded her arms. "What are you doing?" She whispered.

He never turned his head to look at her but she saw him flinch slightly at the sound of her voice. "Nothing."

"Nothing, like some sullen teenager, god men can be so infuriating, you didn't get your own way so what do you do? Sulk! It never fails to amaze me."

"If you've simply come down here to humiliate me more…"

"Humiliate you!" She quickly moved around the table to look at him. "Do you really think that's what I set out to do? I thought you knew me."

"So did I…" he shrugged. "Guess I was wrong."

"And what's that supposed to mean?" she rested her hands on her hips.

"Nothing, forget it." He pushed his plate away and rubbed his hands together knocking off the few loose crumbs.

"Obviously you have something on your mind."

"Well come on Clarisse, it's plain to me now that you've led me on."

She shook her head in disbelief. "I can't believe I'm hearing this… I led you on! So I suppose that this is all my fault, I orchestrated this entire thing right, I brought you here, I forced you into my bed. And let me guess… I took advantage of your good nature."

He swung his legs out from under the table and stretched them, leaning back in his chair with a cold hard look on his face.

"You're no innocent bystander Joseph, you have your own mind, you knew what you were getting in to. If you recall I was the one who gave you the easy way out, I left you, you had no reason to come after me."

"I had every reason – how the hell can you say that, I couldn't believe how much I missed you. How I fell apart."

She vividly recalled how he'd looked the day he'd arrived at her door, it seemed a lifetime ago, that haggard pale lifeless man.

He reached for her body, trying to catch her waist and bring her to him. "I love you Clarisse."

"A moment ago you hated me."

"I could never hate you." He succeeded in bringing her body to his, his head burying against her stomach. "I love you Clarisse, I love you… so much. So much."

She rested her hands on his shoulders and pushed herself back from him. "This isn't right." She whispered.

"Please…" his voice was croaky.

"Joseph you're a mess, one minute you're blaming me for all that has gone wrong, the next you're confessing eternal love. Its…" she shook her head. "Its crazy, it's too intense, too much. I can't do it. You have to stop it."

She folded her hands together, pressing her fingernails into the underside of her chin. "You have to stop."

He closed his eyes and took several deep breaths. "What do you want from me?" he finally asked. "Hmm, what is it you want?"

"I never asked you for anything."

"The hell you didn't!" He slammed his fist down onto the table and she jumped. "The truth is you're too afraid to even try, too afraid to give any man a try, no matter who he is. All those men you told me about… you had all those men."

"Don't do this." She shook her head refusing to let the tears that stung her eyes fall.

"Some slut…" he murmured beneath his breath.

"Joseph… don't say that…"

"Isn't it true! Walking away when you're bored, your not wanting to marry me is linked like every other failed relationship you've ever had, he wasn't rich enough, he wanted children, you didn't love him, you didn't find him interesting, intelligent, funny, stimulating, he wasn't good enough in bed! Whatever Clarisse, when it comes down to it the bottom line is it's you that has the problem, you, nobody else. And get this… the one man she will give into, and she has time and time again, the one man she'll sleep with whenever he snaps his fingers is some womanising alcoholic… how very ironic."

She rushed to the door, wiping at her face at the hot tears burnt her skin.

He grabbed her arm. "Now tell me that doesn't make you some slut."

"How could you?" she gasped. "How could you?"

She was shaking, tears relentlessly streaming down her face. "I trusted you, I told you those things… shared it all…"

She felt his hold on her loosen, his stance alter immediately.

"God Clarisse… how can you make me like this?" he reached to touch her face and she instinctively pulled back. "I would never hurt you, I never meant… I'm so screwed up over this, so angry, with you, at you… with myself. I'm sorry, I didn't mean."

She snuffled and attempted to pull free from him.

"Clarisse," he held her tight again, dropping his arm down and around her back. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, any of it. I want you so much. Don't you see that, I want you so much I can't even see straight. Maybe that makes me some selfish vulgar man, but the thought of any other man touching you, looking at you… I want you; I want to be with you, the one who loves you, the one you turn too. Nobody else, and I hate myself for that, I hate what I'm becoming, infatuated with you, obsessed, some insane person that you fear."

She breathed deeply, her head suddenly felt so heavy.

"I made you cry, I shouldn't have said..."

"You scared me," she finally blurted out. "You hurt me."

"I'm sorry." He held her face. "I'm sorry, I'll do anything, anything you want." He pressed his mouth to hers.

She grasped his shoulders and pushed him back, "Don't, I can't…" He continued to kiss her. "No, I can't do this, I can't pretend."

She backed away from him, watched as he slunk back against the wall. All this, all this because he'd asked her to marry him, everything was so wonderful last night, this morning, waking with him…

"I've messed you up Joseph, you aren't like this, your calm and patient, you listen, that's why people respect you so much, because whatever situation you're thrown into you never lose it, never. And witnessing this… you behaving like this."

She finally realised that him staying here, trying to cling onto her was never going to work. It wasn't healthy for either of them, arguing over this, both battling their corner. They were too stubborn to ever agree, or back down. It was destroying him, destroying what they'd had.

She had to push him away.

"Joseph, you should go… I know you don't want to but…"

"Please don't force me away, I love you, I've never been in love, not like this, you…"

"I don't love you." She shook her head, slowly, resolutely. "I don't love you."


The words kept going round and round in his head, she didn't love him, all this and she didn't love him.

Again he lifted his head and glanced across at her, she sat in a chair by the door, that summer's day they'd enjoyed so much yesterday had gone replaced by something grey and ugly. Rain threatened.

He still remained on the floor, slumped down after her words had hit, crumbled up like some broken old man.

He could hear himself, hear what he'd said to her, the things he'd called her. His mind seemed so muddled, so desperate and aching; he wanted to take it all back. Go back to this morning when he'd woken with her in his arms. The feel of being with her. Of holding her.

He'd never know it again, he realised that now. He'd overstepped the line, he'd done it unthinking. Blindly clawing for something to hurt her with, to hurt her the way she'd hurt him with one simple sentence. 'I won't marry you.'

"I don't believe you." He said, his voice was low, thick with emotion. They'd hadn't spoken in over an hour and he realised how sore his throat felt, how dry, he needed a drink. He had no energy to move.

"It doesn't matter what you believe." She responded coolly. "It's the truth."

"No…"

"Yes."

"God Clarisse you don't just dig the knife in, you twist it round, further and further until I'm not sure if I'm really alive at all… why are you doing this?"

"Because it won't work, we won't work, it wouldn't last."

"How do you know that? You won't try."

"I know…"

"Explain to me, explain your reasons."

"I don't have to."

She rose and crossed the kitchen flicking the switch on the kettle.

He watched silently as she took out two mugs, a lemon from the fridge was quickly chopped and dropped into the mugs then topped with boiling water.

She handed one to him.

"If you feel as nauseous as I do this will help… or might."

He took it without a word and placed it on the floor next to him.

"Please come sit at the table, don't stay there, its cold, you'll make yourself ill."

"I feel like I'm dying."

"Ohh Joseph don't say that. That isn't what I want, believe me this isn't easy, this isn't an easy thing for me to do."

"Oh but it's a stroll in the park for me, I do this all the time you know." His attempt at being flippant failed because a deep sob escaped his throat.

"Joseph." She moved from her seat and knelt in front of him. "You must understand this, I never for one moment intended to hurt you, I thought you realised, I thought I made myself clear."

"You did, I thought you might change, I thought your feelings would change, the more time we spent together… the deeper my feelings got, I thought you might want me."

"If things were different, we could try, but there's too much, too many hurdles." She gripped his hands in hers. "We have to let this go."

"I can't…" he shook his head. "It hurts too much, contemplating never seeing you again… I can't."

She closed her eyes, when she opened them again he'd leant his head back against the wall. He looked exhausted.

She placed her hand on his forehead. "You look wrecked. Go lie down for a while."

"Back in your bed!" He shrugged. "I don't think so."

"On the couch then, anywhere, the spare room."

"I don't have the energy to move."

"Fine!" she snapped getting to her feet. "Fine, if you won't even help yourself then I give up."

He watched through half-open eyes as she retrieved her mug from the table and left the room. His mind was still screaming her name, beg her to stay you idiot, beg her to let you stay, forget who you are, forget what Genovia means… you can't give this up.

Yet he remained in stony silence on the floor, tears streaming down his face.


Well I hope you don't dislike our Joe here, I am trying to show his desperation... :-) Please leave me a review and let me know what you think... Thanks x R