Fallen - chapter 28

Without thought Clarisse reached forward and touched Joseph's mouth, stroked his bottom lip then down across his beard.

He was trembling as she touched him; she suddenly felt very much in control of the situation as she took the glasses from his hands and placed them on the tray with their empty cups.

On her knees she moved forward, closer to him, the heat from the fire suddenly felt intense and she was burning, her skin prickling as she got closer to him. She felt his breath on her cheek as she placed her hands on his shoulders.

She lowered her face to his and kissed his forehead, stroking the back of his neck as she did so, then down over his brow, closing her eyes and moving her face down over his, their noses touching, their skin instantly tingling at the slightest touch.

Suddenly she felt his hands on her back, his palms outstretched as he stroked up her spine, she flinched at the touch, at the memory of what his touch could do. He kissed her chin, almost in reflex and reassurance and suddenly her mouth was against his.

She could barely breathe, could barely move, she was almost in his lap, her hands gripping his shoulders, his hands still gently resting on her back.

Their lips stroked each other's, gently and teasingly, she heard the breath catch in his throat and he heard her murmur something. His hold on her tightened as he held her closer and she groaned deeply as the kiss itself deepened.

Opening her mouth to him she felt his tongue caress her own, licking and tasting and devouring each other as they had those few months ago. Right now it felt like forever since they'd last kissed, it felt like forever since he'd last touched her and been a part of her body.

It took seconds for her to dispose of his shirt, and before she was aware of it even happening she realised he had lifted her dress clean over her head and thrown it aside.

He laid her back and kissed down between her breasts, wordlessly worshipping this body he had spent so many nights craving for, aching for…

She pushed his trousers and boxers down with little effort and gazed at him in the firelight, magnificent again, healthy and glowing with adoration as he kissed her stomach.

Suddenly she was impatient and she lifted herself forward to straddle him again, resting on his lap she pushed herself forward to his erection, a clean sweep of heat shot through her as she came into contact with him. Longing and desire in one immeasurable pulsating strand running through her core.

He smiled and kissed her face, stroking her hair back.

"I want to feel all of you," he said hoarsely. "I've missed your body so much I can't even find the words, I want you in my arms naked, to feel you as mine again."

Leaning her head forward she kissed his mouth hotly. "I've always been yours, I never stopped… not for a second."

Lying on her back again she allowed him to peel each stocking from her legs, stroking her skin, right down to her ankles and the soles of her feet.

He returned to her face and kissed her again, leaving her breathless, moving down her neck he nuzzled beneath her chin, licking the softest part of her body, the tender spot at the base of her throat. He felt her shiver beneath him, felt one of her legs fold over his, he was barely able to restrain himself, he was almost grateful for the barrier of her underwear otherwise he would be inside her now.

He slid his hands beneath her back and lifted her up to him, kissing her again; her hands were on the back of his head tickling him with her fingertips as he unclasped her bra. When he lay her back down he almost cried as he felt the warmth and fullness of her breasts in his hands again, her nipples firm in his fingertips.

Moving his mouth over each one he teased and fondled them with his tongue until she moaned so loud he was certain the guard outside the main entrance must have heard her.

"Joseph…" Placing her hands on his chest she pushed him back and sat up with him.

He watched mesmerised as she removed her panties and sat in front of him. Taking his hands in hers she positioned them until he was sitting in the centre of the rug, her legs around his, she moved closer until her breasts brushed against his chest.

"This is what you want?" He said huskily, stroking her hair with one hand, holding onto her shoulder with the other.

"Yes." She breathed leaning in to kiss him again. "Yes."

He was so hard now it was almost painful, the need to be fused with her again unbearable, she sensed it, felt the raw heat radiating from him.

Gently and tenderly she reached down to touch him and he breathed her name in one long deep sigh.

Raising her legs a little over his to give herself leverage she lifted her body closer still and guided him inside her, watching as they finally met.

When it happened she gasped sharply, she hadn't prepared herself for it, not feeling like this. A wave of emotion seemed to erupt in her chest and she stilled, her nails digging into his sides as he held her.

Her heart thudded and constricted, she ached with it, and she gasped again struggling to find air.

She leant back a little, his strong hands holding her as he moved inside her. She heard him groan, heard him say her name repeatedly in a low overwhelmed voice. It seemed like some voice in the distance, something she wasn't part of, she could feel it happening, could feel the intensity inside of her, the pleasure raw and unburied… but she wasn't prepared for it, she wasn't prepared for feeling like this with him…

Her head somehow found his shoulder and she rested against him, holding onto his back as he moved deeper inside her, his thrusts faster and more intensified.

"I love you Clarisse…"

She almost choked as he spoke the words.

He brought his mouth to her face and kissed her wherever he could, her cheeks, her forehead, suckling on her earlobe.

"God I love you… I love you… I love you…"

She cried out and bit down on his shoulder, felt him stiffen inside her and suddenly stop, move slower, more certain, then the flood of heat filled her and she heard the satisfied groan escape his lips.

He was stroking her back, still holding her tight against him, kissing her shoulder and neck, still whispering those words.

"I love you so much, I need you, all the time, my love, my darling…"

She gasped, gulped and struggled to release her arm from his hold, she wanted to wipe her face, to rub the tears away.

"Clarisse…" He finally loosened his hold a little, "Clarisse?" he forced her to look at him. "Oh god I hurt you?"

She shook her head forcefully. "No, it's me; I'm so stupid, so bloody stupid."

"Darling?" He stroked her tears away, desperately trying to make sense of what was happening, of why she was so upset.

She tried to push his hands away, embarrassed by her own reaction, her own weakness.

"I thought it would be okay, that I could do this… I can do this…" she shook her head as more tears violently spilled down her cheeks, hot and salty like they were branding her for being so foolish.

"Clarisse, I don't understand…"

"It's me, ridiculous, so stupid. I wanted this. I'm so stupid!" She shook against him desperately trying to breathe but her lungs seemed unable to take in the air and she could hardly speak. "I love you, don't you understand that, I'm so in love with you… and it hurts damn it. It hurts so much."

Her hands seemed to pound into his chest for a second before she sagged against him sobbing, though he wasn't sure if it were out of sadness, pain or sheer relief.

Stroking her hair until the sobs lessened Joseph finally laid her down on the rug and lay beside her, her back to his chest.

She still gulped and shivered despite the warmth of the fire, and he leant over her, kissing her shoulder and stroking her hip until she finally spoke again.

"I didn't realise it would happen, that I could feel like that, it was too much."

"I would have stopped, I thought you…"

"I know, it's not your fault." She reached up to his hand and he took hers with relief closing his eyes briefly as the moment seemed to still around him.

"Why didn't you say it before?"

"Because I wasn't sure, because I was scared, because I didn't want it to be true."

"Clarisse." He said her name with such warmth she almost burst into tears again.

Turning she lay on her back and looked up at him, her body ached, the skin of her face felt sore and dry with tears, their was still an overwhelming aching that seemed to centre in her chest and ease its way around her body, and between her legs she felt hot and tight, so open and naked in front of him, more than she ever had before.

Folding her fingers with his she kissed his hand and he leant down over her, his body shielding hers from the firelight.

"But it's true, tell me it's true, tell me again…"

As she looked up into his eyes she couldn't help but see the honesty there, the pureness of heart he had, the complete love for her. There was no point hiding this anymore, she had nothing more to hide anyway.

"I love you," she whispered. "I love you more than anyone or anything… in my entire life, I feel everything you feel Joseph, god help me I love you, completely and utterly."

Finally.

Relief hit him in a tidal wave. The emotion rose up inside of him fierce and savage as it coiled itself around his heart. Relentless in his grip. Ravishing him in its intensity.

Love.

This time he cried, silent tears eased their way along his face, she watched him, unable to stop it, unwilling to.

In a dream he seemed to lurch forward over her and press his mouth down onto hers, he tasted of salt, she gripped his shoulders and before she was even aware it had happened he had lifted her up into his arms.

Her eyes were closed, her face pressed against his chest; it felt warm and secure, encased in his warmth and fragrance as she glided weightlessly across the room.

It was cooler in the bedroom, she realised where they were instantly, heard him click the door shut behind them and carry her up the three steps that led to his bed. The sheets beneath her were crisp and cold as he lay her down.

He knelt next to her, arranging the pillows, peeling the sheets back and waiting as she pulled herself up beneath them.

Settling back she gazed up at the ceiling, the canopy above them, all that silk draped over the bed, the sturdy wooden posts at each corner adorned with carvings, the bed sheets embroidered in gold. She'd never seen his bedroom at the Palace, but she'd often imagined it would look something like this.

He lay next to her and took her in his arms, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

She snuffled and took a deep breath as he smiled at her.

She felt rather self-conscious as he stared at her, stroking her face, her hair, her neck.

"I always imagined what your bed was like…" She whispered croakily.

"Not like this." He replied.

"Bigger?"

"A little, but not a four-poster."

"Why not?" She watched as he smiled broadly and ran his finger along her lower lip.

"I'm not really a fan of them… and just what were you doing imagining my bed Madam?"

"Just…" she chewed down on her bottom lip. "Nothing." She shrugged.

"You know I've imagined you saying those words to me for so long now… so long."

"I know, I'm sorry I hurt you; sorry I said I didn't… I didn't know how too, I didn't want too, Rose made me accept that it was the truth."

He smiled and rubbed the tip of her nose with his. "And it's that bloody awful?"

"It's excruciating."

He sighed deeply. "These months apart, not knowing, trying to forget… We could have…"

"Could have what?" Her eyes were wide and bright with tears. "Nothing's changed Joseph. Nothing. You're still who you are and I'm still who I am, how do we possibly…" She paused as a sob caught in her throat.

"Please don't cry, I seem to bring you nothing but heartache."

"No." she snuffled squeezing his hands. "No you don't, I smile just thinking of you."

He could help but feel totally overwhelmed with joy at such a small admittance.

Kissing her forehead his voice took on a low gentle whisper as he spoke. "Remember you once asked me to take you away somewhere, do you remember that?"

She nodded mutely.

"We were on the balcony."

"It was snowing." She added.

"Yes, it was. I've never wanted to fulfil a wish more in my life, right now there is nothing more I'd rather do."

"But you can't… we can't." She said solemnly.

"How do we go on? How do we…"

"Shhh," she lifted her head up and kissed his mouth. "I wish I knew… I wish…"

"Tell me what you wish my darling."

She rolled onto her side. "God I wish I didn't feel this way, I wish we'd never met, I wish I didn't know what it meant to be with you."

"Surely you don't mean that."

She groaned and buried her face in the pillow. "I wish you weren't always right."

He chuckled. "That I can't help I'm afraid."

"Oh Joseph," she glanced up at him. "Joseph I'm exhausted, I haven't slept properly since your letter. The travelling today, worrying myself stupid over really idiotic things… which bloody dress to put on! And now…"

"Confessional time."

"Yes…" She groaned again. "I don't want to feel like this."

"Why not?"

"Because it's messy and difficult, because I'm too tired. Too much wine and sitting in front of that fire. And making love."

Now Joseph grimaced. "Badly. I'm sorry, I never thought our 'next time' would turn out so disastrously."

She reached up and stroked his chin. "You've grown your beard."

"A little, I like it shorter, the grey doesn't show as much."

"I'm putting on weight."

"No you aren't!"

"Yes I am, my hips, and my hair won't do what I want it to do."

He pulled her closer to him, feeling her warm body soft against his. "These are the reasons I've missed you my dear. You make me smile."

"I've missed this too, I miss talking to you. With you. And the sex doesn't matter."

"Yes it does, I wanted to love you properly."

"You are, right now. You always do, I realised that while we were apart."

He kissed her slowly, stroking the back of her neck with his thumb.

"Joseph…" she breathed. "Damn it why can't we just be simple? Why can't it just be us?"

Sighing he closed his eyes and seemed to melt into the pillow beneath his head.

"Happiness might be overrated anyway." She said sarcastically.

"Hmm, perhaps."

Lying next to him she rested her head against his upper chest, she could feel him kiss the top of her head before he reached over and switched the lamps off.

Together they lay in the darkness wrapped around one another, stroking each other's bodies with their own.

"Say it again." He whispered into the blackness.

She smiled slightly. "I love you Joseph…"

"I love you too."

"Unfortunately." She added coyly.