Set approximately one month into the future. Spoilers for Scar, Sacrifice and Black Market. Also spoilers for the Lee - Dee relationship (which really isn't much of a secret anymore, is it?). I know I've found BSG's latest way of telling stories to be annoying (starting in the present and jumping back in time), but this story seemed to need it, so my apologies if you're as tired of this as I am.
ooooooooooooo
Lee pushed open the hatch, heart pounding in anticipation of spending some quality rack time with Dee. They hadn't had many opportunities to be alone together since the beginning of their relationship, but this evening he was pretty sure the bunkroom would be deserted.
"Voila," he said with a flourish, as he ushered her into the senior officer's quarters. Unfortunately his prediction that the bunkroom would be empty was proven wrong. Starbuck was passed out on the floor beside her bunk.
Lee sighed and pushed past Dee, who had stopped in surprise, and knelt beside the prone woman. "Oh Kara," he whispered, shaking his head with pity. "What are you doing? You're going to kill yourself one of these days." He slapped her cheek gently to bring her round. It was then he realized she wasn't breathing. "Oh gods," he breathed, face paling. He felt for a pulse but found none. "Oh my gods! She's not breathing ..."
oooooooooooooo
One month earlier ...
Starbuck. He was calling her Starbuck now. Not Kara. How ironic. It used to be that they had trouble remembering to call each other by their callsigns when they were flying, but now, even in their off-duty hours he called her Starbuck.
And why wouldn't he, really? A line had been crossed in their relationship. One they'd been skating awfully close to for months, but now that it had been crossed, there was no going back. Their night of drunken almost-intimacy had changed things between them forever. No, you did by rushing things. He was more than keen on the idea - if you'd only have let things unfold as they would and kept your mouth shut, everything would have worked out. And you'd likely be repeating it by now too! But she knew that while it would have given her a temporary release from her guilt and frustration about Anders, it wouldn't solve the problem. Only going back to Caprica and rescuing him would do that. But then again, would that really be a good thing? She knew that despite her firm assertion that there was nothing between her and Lee, there was. Always had been - always would be. They were like magnets - even when they wanted to stay apart, they were drawn to each other. Bringing Anders into the picture could only cause trouble. Keeping the two men she had feelings for apart was a much better idea.
Two-timer, she thought, then quashed it with another shot. Didn't need to be thinking those thoughts. Then again, with things as aloof as they were with Lee, what did it matter how she felt about him? He'd given her the chance - she'd frakked it up. As usual. There was obviously not going to be another. Maybe bringing Anders back was a good idea - at least then she'd have a chance at happiness. He hadn't led her on then pulled back when things got fast and furious. He'd welcomed it. He was a very passionate man, and not afraid to show it - unlike Lee, who always kept himself tightly under control. 'Captain Tightass', the nuggets had taken to calling him behind his back. But he probably knew and didn't care. Not much was kept secret around here.
She finished her bottle and stood up, somewhat unsteadily, remaining still till the world stopped spinning. Time to hit my rack. Hopefully I'm wasted enough to actually sleep. But sleep had been elusive for her lately. First it was visions of Anders - their time alone together, their goodbye, and her promise to return for him. Then it was dreams of Scar - blowing her and everyone else to smithereens. Now it was of her and Lee, reliving their one night of passion. It reduced her to tears every time, thinking about how it ended and how it could have ended if she hadn't been honest with him. Whoever said honesty is the best policy was full of bullshit, she thought, as she made her way down the corridor to the bunkroom.
She turned the last corner and abruptly stopped. Two people were standing close, very close, just outside the bunkroom door. Lee. And ... Dee. Lee and Dee? No, that just wasn't possible was it? Never seemed like there was anything there ... well obviously there is now. He had one hand on the bulkhead behind her while the other touched her cheek. Kara wasn't close enough to hear what they were saying, but even though she was drunk, she could read their body language loud and clear. She watched for about two seconds longer - just long enough to see Lee lean in and kiss her - and she turned and stalked off in the opposite direction.
That bastard! Not five days ago he was willing to frak me and now he's after her? What happened to 'what about us' hey Lee? Obviously I was right - there is no us! She was fuming. How could he betray her like this? He was always the one she could count on to be there for her. No, you just liked it when he acted like a puppy on a leash, adoring you even though you went elsewhere. Fed your ego to know the great Apollo was so head over heels for you that he'd never even look at another woman. But obviously he had been looking. It seemed like he was going to be doing more than just looking soon too.
She flounced into the pilot's rec, grabbed another bottle of ambrosia and sat heavily on the chair she'd so recently vacated. She drank until the world began to disappear and she fell forwards, passed out on the table for the night.
oooooooooooooo
Three days later ...
She walked silently through Lifestation, hoping not to disturb him by the plodding of her boots. Her heart bled - she'd shot Lee. She'd shot Lee and nearly killed him! No matter that it had been an accident, no matter that the old man had forgiven her and told her it wasn't her fault, she couldn't forgive herself. She'd shot Lee - critically wounded one of the only people left who meant something to her. 'Sure-shot Starbuck' - yeah, right. Maybe she'd still have that title if Lee hadn't picked the wrong moment to throw himself at one of the kidnappers. Who are you kidding Kara? There's always that split second before you pull the trigger - you saw Lee begin to move - you should have waited!
She stopped dead. Dee was sitting by his side. That figured. She'd come to apologize, to be with the the man she'd hurt so badly and in so many ways, and there was Dee, holding his hand and whispering sweet nothings to him. She should be the one there with him! Her anger flared and she began to move, but then Lee's eyes fluttered open. He saw Dee there beside him, smiled weakly and moved his hand to touch hers. Kara's heart sank. He had Dee now - she was unnecessary. The final piece of her heart that had Lee's name etched into it shattered, and she walked away unnoticed.
ooooooooooooo
Two days had gone by and still she hadn't been to see him again. She knew that if she did, she would break down and tell him how she felt, how much he meant to her. And that was just a one-way ticket to more pain. Sure, tell him you love him - see if he'll believe you after you tried to screw him while thinking of another man and then a few days later you shoot him. He'd have to be a fool to want to have anything to do with you!
She'd decided it was time though, and made sure not to have anything to drink. She needed to be clear-headed in order not to frak things up any worse than they already were. At least I can apologize - even if there's no chance we can ever be friends again. She walked though Lifestation quietly again - was it always so quiet here? - but stopped when she heard voices. Lee's ... and hers. Frak! Wasn't that woman ever on duty? Another chance to talk to lee blown all to hell. She poked her head through the shadows to get a better look. Dee was sitting on the edge of the bed and their hands were intertwined on his chest. Lee still looked weak and frail, not surprising after being shot in the chest, but there was a look of happiness on his face. She pulled back and left, sighing sadly.
oooooooooooooo
"Are you sure you're okay with this?" Lee asked gently, rubbing his thumb across the top of her hand. "I mean with Billy dying ..."
Tears came into her eyes. "I cared for Billy, really I did, but he just wasn't ..." She stopped and sniffed. "I'm going to miss him, but I just didn't feel like I had a future with him, you know? That's why I approached you and asked ..."
Lee smiled weakly. "I didn't give you any help did I?"
"No - you just made it worse." She gave a little laugh. "It's okay, I understand the situation was confusing. I just felt like it was time for me to move on , and ... I wanted it to be with you," she finished shyly.
"Okay," he said in a near-whisper. "I just don't want you to feel rushed into anything."
"I'm more concerned with how you feel about it. You were the one who was hesitant ..."
"You just caught me off-guard. I needed some time to think. My life has been rather ..." he fished for the right word.
"Chaotic?" she supplied.
"Yes, 'chaotic' lately. I hardly know which way is up, and life keeps throwing me curve balls ..." He thought involuntarily of Kara and their almost-night of passion. "I just had to think things through, make sure this was what I wanted. I didn't want to end up hurting you."
"You could never do that."
"You'd be surprised how good I can be at hurting people." There was an edge to his voice that she didn't miss.
"Well, I won't let you, okay?"
Lee smiled, then a tremor of the curtain near his bed caught his eye. For just a split second he thought he saw Kara's face. Then it was gone. A wave of pain shot through him. I thought she was my friend - the least she could do is come and see me. And the pain turned to anger. What do I need a friend like that for anyway? All she ever does is use people ... and then discard them. Like she did with Zack, with Anders ... now she's nearly killed me too! The best thing she can do is stay away! But a little piece of his heart that had always had Kara written on it broke, and he turned to look at Dee, the face of his future.
TBC
